Feeling sorry for my BPD mother

[mav3rick]

I just do, despite thinking back to all the times I'd try and let her in, thinking it'd be different, and how again and again she'd throw it all back in my face. How she'd make up lies about me to anyone with an ear to listen. How she'd lie to me about the world and stunt any chance of personal growth. How she wouldn't let me speak and would say the same things over and over again. How she wouldn't let me out or leave me alone.

Yet, yet, I know she is miserable now. I know she has always been miserable, but I know she is truly alone now that my brother and I are gone. She lives close to her parents, her mother who is BPD and father who is an enabler. I doubt she'll ever be happy.

Why do I hurt for her? I don't even feel this for myself. In some ways I'd like to think she loves me, she is just too sick to show it properly. I don't know, I don't know how to process any of this. It was as though she was several different people growing up... . can I not pity at least one of them?

I'm sorry, I don't quite know what I'm saying. I just thankful to have somewhere to post this. Thank you all for listening.

[zubizou87]

Mav3rick,

I also sometimes feel sorry for my mother, I find it so difficult to understand why she doesn't see her condition, that her actions are so chaotic yet so predictable. You are ending a cycle of abuse, you have been pulled out of the chaos of a dysfunctional family and you can see things from a different perspective. It's just one of the advantages our generation has, we have access to therapy, self help books and we can heal and decide on the life we want, happiness and well being is a choice for us.

I don't think my mother will ever get better either, even though she was neglected and failed horribly by her parents she just won't go to the therapist and say 'I was abused as a child, it's had an effect on my personality how can I heal' it would mean admitting that she wasn't perfect. However you have to think to yourself that she is an adult and she is responsible for her own choices, you can't rescue her, if she chooses to live this way you can't stop her nor help her she will just drag you down too.

[Calm Waters]

my BPD mother died 2 weeks ago and i have been reading her diaries, despite being married to my BPD npd father for 71 years at the end she was neglected lonely crippled housebound deaf and incontinent. I can now see her for the wounded child she was, I have a memoir she wrote about the dreadful neglect she suffered as a child as she reverted back to this at the end. I think its important to remember that BPD's are seriously damaged, they can heal, I am on my own healing BPD npd journey. Its easy to vilify their behaviour I know but the condition is complex as are humans, I gues what drives them / us whilst it remains unconscious and defended will always be in control. I think the journey is making ones BPD unconscious conscious unfortunateley our parents generation never realy had the skills and support to do this, WE DO! if we choose to take it

[PrettyPlease]

I'm sorry, I don't quite know what I'm saying. I just thankful to have somewhere to post this. Thank you all for listening.

It's an interesting post, and I'm glad to have read it.

Welcome to the Healing board -- I looked through some of your earlier posts and see you were on Coping until now.

I think zubizou87's and Calm Waters' words are wise.

One thing I'd add is that it's understandable, given the life that you described in your FOO in your other posts, that your emotions would be trained to be for her benefit, not yours. And this is common when you're raised by a self-centered person (whether BPD or NPD).

In other words, horrible as it may sound, it's not only our thoughts that we need to retrain, but our emotions. We need new boundaries there too.

Why do I hurt for her? I don't even feel this for myself.

There's no reason you can't get to a place where you can feel some empathy for your mother and feel good about doing it -- but to get to that place you have to be able to feel the full gamut of empathy for yourself and what you went through, first. If you've only got the mother-empathy part, then the boundary-work isn't done.

I read that you were looking for a good T, but it's been a long time since those posts. Did you find one? Disentangling the emotions and the thoughts is difficult work. You've been doing well with the thoughts, IMO, based on your posts -- but I think having a T would be helpful for the emotions.

In some ways I'd like to think she loves me, she is just too sick to show it properly.

If true BPD, she has a mental disorder. Parts of the brain are formed differently; these are measurable using various brain measurement devices. It means that her emotions are dysregulated. She interacts with reality, 'the present moment', in a different way.

Perhaps think of it as if your mother was blind. She could love you, but she could never love 'how you look', right? She would love you in other ways. But with a BPD person, it's that she can't perceive (and therefore can't love) the meaning of certain kinds of actions. Things that a normal kid could do or say will trigger a core and unbearably terrifying feeling in her, and she'll dysregulate into life-saving actions like attacking and raging.

So, she actually was never capable of loving you in the way that many children are loved. It's not that she 'really loved you' in those ways but she just couldn't show it now because she was too sick. No, it's that those ways could never exist. She did love in other ways, probably; but not those.

If she'd gotten DBT, perhaps she could have changed that. But most people with BPD don't get that far.

I know these things are hard, but I think facing them squarely makes recovering our own balance easier in the long run.



PP

[GeekyGirl]

It's ok to have empathy.   You can be empathetic and angry at the same time.

Why do I hurt for her? I don't even feel this for myself. In some ways I'd like to think she loves me, she is just too sick to show it properly. I don't know, I don't know how to process any of this. It was as though she was several different people growing up... . can I not pity at least one of them?

I agree with PrettyPlease--it's really important that you learn how to have empathy for yourself. You've been conditioned over the years to put your mother's needs before your own, and while that's not your fault, you have to do the work to really be able to focus on your needs too.

How can you keep feeling empathy for your mother, and at the same time, make sure that your own boundaries are being met?

[SeekingHealing]

I was always expected to think about my uBPD father's feelings.  Yet he wouldnt validate my feelings.  I didnt want to call the cops on him because i didnt want him to get angry, but also i didnt want him to lose face, lose his job, etc. 

[Aerials]

Reading posts like yours remind me why I signed up for this forum because I read such similar experiences and feelings as I have had with my mother.  While attempting to work out Christmas plans this year with my mother, my dad, and my now fiance's family (talk about a Molotov cocktail for BPD), my mother went into her rage, on which I actually thought she had made progress in therapy over the last few years.  She sent me and my fiance a diatribe in emails and letters, and I was at first 90% angry and 10% sad and sorry for her, and now those feelings have reversed.  Today is her birthday, and I thought of it quite a few times today as I wrote the date for work papers.  Just now, I saw she was calling my cell, and I did not answer.  I feel sorry for her that she does not have the interpersonal skills to maintain relationships, whether they be with her child, close friends, or spouses.  I really want to fix her brain, but no one in the world can do that.  Only she can accept the BPD dx and seek behavioral therapy instead of pointing her finger at so many people in her life who has supposedly abused her.   In the meantime, I am not picking up the phone.  There is a simple boundary I maintain- she cannot verbally abuse me and/or my fiance/his family, and she managed to break that rule even though we live many states away from each other. 

[mav3rick]

Wow guys, I'm blown away by these replies. It is incredible to think you all actually know what I'm going through. I still haven't gotten over it!

I was always expected to think about my uBPD father's feelings.  Yet he wouldnt validate my feelings.  I didnt want to call the cops on him because i didnt want him to get angry, but also i didnt want him to lose face, lose his job, etc. 

IKR!

I'm sorry I don't have the time to get back with everyone; to whoever asked, I'm kinda on my way out the door to a recovery center for my eating! Just wanted everyone to know I'm listening and really appreciate your support. Hope to talk to you all soon, take care!