I am trying to emotionally detach as I still have to share living arrangements for the next couple years. Harder to do than I thought... .
I am doing good (my reference of good is rather vague). I get terribly depressed and question a lot and am getting a lot of lies about how wonderful our marriage was and that I am ruining something good... . so I am questioning what the truth was/is.
I also have gone out with friends the last two weekends - yes, I actually made some- so there goes his idea that I am incapable of having friends.
I am managing to see that life is good without him controlling me all the time. Really good to tell you the truth.
But when I come home he wants US (me included) to play UNO and monopoly with the kids, the table is set for 4 for dinner (he never set the table before), he wants to take a drive in the country - all 4 of us like a happy family. I don't mind us doing things together with him and the kids, but this is way to delusional to feel secure. It's like he wants me to live his lies that I don't want out. He wants me to play along with this sick version that everything is going to be ok. I play Uno for the kids... .
If I'm on the computer he keeps asking me what I'm looking at. If I'm jotting down ideas to do in the near future, he jumps beside me on the sofa and reads what I'm writing. Even if I am looking at what's in the fridge, he comes up beside me and insinuates something sexual. He is in his super-vigilant phase.
He is not sleeping in another room anymore... . he moved back into our room and sleeps in our bed.
I keep reading all these posts of how the pwBPD find replacements fast, but why doesn't he? Why can't he move on? Maybe if he could, he'd leave me alone. I don't know of anyone that would want to have sex with a person that tells them they don't love him. I wouldn't. Then why does he keep wanting me? If only he wanted me the other 17 years... .
I get the splitting thing and the projection. But this denial is weird. It makes me insecure.
He had a little theatrical rage a couple days ago and he took off his wedding ring saying he couldn't stand to wear it.The way he talked it was as if if was literally burning his finger. I wore mine for 2 days after that, but then decided that if I really wanted out, I would have to take it off sooner or later. I had to do a little "un-vow" prayer before God to take mine off, but I did. I vowed to put me first and work on me, not putting his selfish desires in front of my well being. I was torn up about it... . Today he ask me to put mine back on. No way! What does he think it is... . obviously to him it's just jewelry to say he owns me!
Should I just count my blessings? Better to be painted gold than black, right? We could be having horrible fights and things flying across the room, but we are not. It is constant sexual harassment, and I'm doing good about keeping my boundaries (usually), but that's easier to handle than him flipping out and his rages. If he will paint me black as bad as he is worshiping me, than things will get really bad. If they do, then how could I handle a couple years of this? Yes, I know... . too many ifs.
Should I suggest he date other people... . how do I get him off me?
