A difficult day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys

My thoughts went to you yesterday. I am divorced more than a year. Separated more than one and a half. Most of the time I am fine. My exh and I are living in the same building, different apartments. Sometimes we see each other casually. Surprisingly friendly. Since a while he has a gf. I found out bc of her car. Its each time a reality check when I see the car.

I didn't saw the her or the car for a while. I have even admit I had some hope, that it is finished. And yesterday it kicked in fully. I left the house and heard a woman's step, higher heels. I looked back and up to the second floor from outside: It was her. She looked at me. I don't know if she knows who I am. It was only a glimpse and I felt awful.

The are together for a while, she must have extraordinary skills. What does she has that I don't have and so on... . the full program. 

I tried to stop all those thoughts. Made some preparation tasks for my job. I ended to look at her page on a foto community. Things I didn't do for months! I felt so sad. Spent a bit time with crying.

Okay, plan B, swimming work out. Its often a good way for me to find peace and relaxation. The pool was very crowded. Didn't find my rhythm. No flow for me. Only boring lanes, garlic smelling guys in my way, I was fighting the water. I ended by thinking: I tried everything, no escape or me this day.

And the moral of the story: It can catch you even after a long while. I spent many days without much thoughts about my ex or our shattered marriage. Its not that I am suffering day by day, really not. But you never know.  Emotions are a surprise box. As I usually tell here: Detachment goes in circles. 

[Surnia]

Hi guys

My thoughts went to you yesterday. I am divorced more than a year. Separated more than one and a half. Most of the time I am fine. My exh and I are living in the same building, different apartments. Sometimes we see each other casually. Surprisingly friendly. Since a while he has a gf. I found out bc of her car. Its each time a reality check when I see the car.

I didn't saw the her or the car for a while. I have even admit I had some hope, that it is finished. And yesterday it kicked in fully. I left the house and heard a woman's step, higher heels. I looked back and up to the second floor from outside: It was her. She looked at me. I don't know if she knows who I am. It was only a glimpse and I felt awful.

The are together for a while, she must have extraordinary skills. What does she has that I don't have and so on... . the full program. 

I tried to stop all those thoughts. Made some preparation tasks for my job. I ended to look at her page on a foto community. Things I didn't do for months! I felt so sad. Spent a bit time with crying.

Okay, plan B, swimming work out. Its often a good way for me to find peace and relaxation. The pool was very crowded. Didn't find my rhythm. No flow for me. Only boring lanes, garlic smelling guys in my way, I was fighting the water. I ended by thinking: I tried everything, no escape or me this day.

And the moral of the story: It can catch you even after a long while. I spent many days without much thoughts about my ex or our shattered marriage. Its not that I am suffering day by day, really not. But you never know.  Emotions are a surprise box. As I usually tell here: Detachment goes in circles. 

[myself]

 

[santa]

It would be difficult living in the same building. The possibilities for an awkward situation must always seem present. Have you considered moving? That kind of close proximity must make detaching pretty tough.

Sucks about the pool. I know how irritating it is when you want to swim, but don't get to. Swimming is my favorite thing to do. I usually swim everyday.

[Turkish]

Oh Surnia, that must be so hard living in the same building. Did he do that on purpose? The Other womans coping skills are irrelevant. She is not his wife, and you were married for a long time, no? Nothing matches the intimacy and comittment of marriage. He's still the same person underneath the facade. I don't know if it helps you, but I reverse my whole situation and think if I did what my stbx did. What would it be, objectively? A lie.

Keep swimming, just do the flip turn and come back.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was on Twitter today, and the Twitter gods thought they'd ask me if I wanted to follow some new people, gave me a list, and there she was. Gotta admit it was a shock for a minute, Twitter is clearly not my friend, but surprisingly it didn't last long, and no, I'm not following her. I agree, the emotions do what they do, and detachment is not linear. Take care of you!

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear Surnia, the wisdom and experience you have showed us all here has been a lifesaver, you are strong, wise example to us here, its actually a comfort to know that its still hard even for those of you who are further along in their journey to healing, its a reminder for me about my own journey to expect the ups and downs...

I Think you did great, you swam, even in the face of garlic... . thanks for not sugar coating the possibilities.

[Tolou]

Hi Surnia... .

It is not easy, especially living in the same building, but you are strong, I can tell by the guidance and advice that you give others you know the things to do.

I have to see her at work, almost every day, I ended it.  I no longer speak with her, or even look at her because I just can't afford risking anything else, not one suicide threat, not a another rumor, or scene for my co-workers to see me as this monster?  Believe it or not, almost 7 months now, I have not said a word to her and walk right by her.  I have my good days, where theres no second guessing my behavior, and then there are the bad days.

On the those days, I try my best to remember why I left... . and wasn't to be this passive-aggressive person thats ignoring her now, it is because I remember... . the irrational thoughts, childlike behaviors etc... . the gut wrenching pain...   Surnia, stay strong keep your head-up.  There is nothing she has, that you don't!  You deserve to be in a reciprocal relationship where things can returned to you, in every way!

[laelle]

Hi guys

My thoughts went to you yesterday. I am divorced more than a year. Separated more than one and a half. Most of the time I am fine. My exh and I are living in the same building, different apartments. Sometimes we see each other casually. Surprisingly friendly. Since a while he has a gf. I found out bc of her car. Its each time a reality check when I see the car.

I didn't saw the her or the car for a while. I have even admit I had some hope, that it is finished. And yesterday it kicked in fully. I left the house and heard a woman's step, higher heels. I looked back and up to the second floor from outside: It was her. She looked at me. I don't know if she knows who I am. It was only a glimpse and I felt awful.

The are together for a while, she must have extraordinary skills. What does she has that I don't have and so on... . the full program.  

I tried to stop all those thoughts. Made some preparation tasks for my job. I ended to look at her page on a foto community. Things I didn't do for months! I felt so sad. Spent a bit time with crying.

Okay, plan B, swimming work out. Its often a good way for me to find peace and relaxation. The pool was very crowded. Didn't find my rhythm. No flow for me. Only boring lanes, garlic smelling guys in my way, I was fighting the water. I ended by thinking: I tried everything, no escape or me this day.

And the moral of the story: It can catch you even after a long while. I spent many days without much thoughts about my ex or our shattered marriage. Its not that I am suffering day by day, really not. But you never know.  Emotions are a surprise box. As I usually tell here: Detachment goes in circles.  

There are many couples who remain together... . miserable.  Simply because you see them together it does not mean they are "happy".

Her car wasnt around for a while, could it not be that the old BPD push was in full swing and they are recently back (pull) together and into "Idealization" stage?

There are many possible truths to what is going on in their relationship, and that they are happy, is just one of them.  Being with someone who is BPD makes that possibility

far less than the others.  Having been forced by purple elephants to stay together is more likely.  

You chose to give something better to yourself.  They are not your problem.  :)on't let them rent space in your head.  They are not worth it.

  I am so sorry that you had a rotten day, and I hope tomorrow will find you joyful.

[maxen]

hi Surnia. you've given so much to this board, i'm sending along my thoughts to you on this difficult day. i'd like to second what recycledNOmore said:

Dear Surnia, the wisdom and experience you have showed us all here has been a lifesaver, you are strong, wise example to us here, its actually a comfort to know that its still hard even for those of you who are further along in their journey to healing

even by posting your story you're helping us!

[Perfidy]

Surnia, I'm sorry you felt that way. We all know how hard this is. I could cry for you, looking at the photos. I still have a few on my laptop that I don't even want to look at long enough to delete. I haven't even powered it up in about seven months! Wow... The time it takes for me to be in acceptance more than I'm not. It really makes me wonder... Is indifference even possible? I also have taken great comfort in your words. I'm really sorry that you had a bad day. I hope lots of good days in a row for you.  Hugs. Do you ever consider moving away? I would not even call you weak or blame you if you did. I would call it having the strength and courage to choose what's best for Surnia.

[Waifed]

Surnia

I am so sorry you are feeling sad.  I can feel the pain in your post.  Although there is nothing I can do to ease the pain I can say that I understand how you feel and know that it is so hard sometimes.  I hope you will bounce back quickly.

[shellsh0cked]

Surnia, I'm sorry you felt that way. We all know how hard this is. I could cry for you, looking at the photos. I still have a few on my laptop that I don't even want to look at long enough to delete. I haven't even powered it up in about seven months! Wow... The time it takes for me to be in acceptance more than I'm not. It really makes me wonder... Is indifference even possible? I also have taken great comfort in your words. I'm really sorry that you had a bad day. I hope lots of good days in a row for you.  Hugs. Do you ever consider moving away? I would not even call you weak or blame you if you did. I would call it having the strength and courage to choose what's best for Surnia.

Been there.  Had plenty of those myself.  I remember a time where I couldn't even drive home without crying most days... . sitting out in the car when I got home trying to find the drive... . to do anything.

It DOES get better.  It just takes time.  It took me longer than I thought it would.  Times I thought I was fine when clearly I was not.  Perfidy is right too.  Getting to acceptance isn't always easy. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Surnia, I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I hope you're feeling better today? A big hug for you.  

Thank you Surnia for sharing and all that you do for us here. You've helped so many people, and your posting this, it helps too by showing that everybody struggles sometimes... . and that's ok.  

[Mutt]

I can understand Surnia how difficult it can be by being in close proximity with the ex. I had stayed close 1 block, she moved across the street. I moved out of my old apartment and into a cheaper one in the same building. When ex left w/ the kids I didn't know what was going on. She had no money, job, 4 kids and I didn't know about the replacement or BPD. I thought the whole thing was going to fall apart in 3 months, but it was nothing but that. I thought she was going to come back. 3 weeks later, out come(s) replacement and he's living w/ her and kids.

I run into the ex and replacement at stores in the neighborhood from time to time and it is painful as hell seeing them together. First time that happened 2aster 2013, ex looked at me and put on a huge smile on her face.

Lease is up in the Spring. I got 50/50 w/ the kids. Divorce is starting next month. I plan on moving. I can't be this close to her anymore, I need more time and  distance to get used to her and replacement(s) and I've accepted I'm a trigger when she see's me and I'm planning / moving on.

I'm sorry that you had a bad day. You've helped me on this board before and I've always appreciated it.  

[Surnia]

Hi all 

and thank you so much for you caring support  It means a lot to me. Normally I am more the kind of secret keeper or lonely sufferer if a day is turning bad.

So many good things said here, yes, Turkish, I think it makes a huge difference being married or not.

Sometimes I ask myself about moving, but than I change my mind. I like the quarter and find good and payable apartments is incredible difficult in my town and I am even a bit lazy... .

And even if it hurts sometimes seeing my exh I don't want to go back.

Today it was way better! No, the space I rented them was only for a weekend 

And even swimmer's knowledge here. 

[seeking balance]

and thank you so much for you caring support  It means a lot to me. Normally I am more the kind of secret keeper or lonely sufferer if a day is turning bad.

Kudos to you for having the courage to share - Daring Greatly my friend 

I am longer out than you Surnia, and a random thing - running into old mutual friend who I no longer see - can create that same circle of doubt... . the "not enough" button pushed.  The good part is - like you - it doesn't last long and I have the tools to work through the emotions rather than stuff them.

Emotions are a surprise box.

Yes they are!

[Turkish]

Hi all 

and thank you so much for you caring support  It means a lot to me. Normally I am more the kind of secret keeper or lonely sufferer if a day is turning bad.

So many good things said here, yes, Turkish, I think it makes a huge difference being married or not.

Sometimes I ask myself about moving, but than I change my mind. I like the quarter and find good and payable apartments is incredible difficult in my town and I am even a bit lazy... .

And even if it hurts sometimes seeing my exh I don't want to go back.

Today it was way better! No, the space I rented them was only for a weekend 

And even swimmer's knowledge here. 

I'm also a swimmer.  three years ago I  took lessons at the local international swim center. I  learned the science behind the strokes had changed a  lot since I  was on swim team 30  years ago.  I  was cement,  and somewhat competitive in breast and fly back then,  but if I could take that knowledge back,  I'd have been the king.  so relaxing...  

[Surnia]

Kudos to you for having the courage to share - Daring Greatly my friend 

One of my new years resolutions. Put in practice. It feels good.

[shellsh0cked]

Kudos to you for having the courage to share - Daring Greatly my friend 

One of my new years resolutions. Put in practice. It feels good.

One thing I learned in the last 3 years of my life?  Say what is on your mind... . whether it is painful or not to say... . It feels so much better to get it off your chest... . e