I am concerned about slander

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm so glad I stumbled on this forum and post. Your experiences are extremely similar to mine, and I was wondering what to do about the slander and defamation. In my case it was harassment, rape, physical violence, bringing her to the point where she'd wanted to suicide but my preventing that (perhaps out of guilt), threatening with a knife, and probably more that I haven't heard of. The people in our sporting circles she confided in and slandered me to now doubt her. Unfortunately they weren't terribly fair in their actions toward me at first and now are things have been brushed under the carpet to avoid embarrassment to the leaders and the way they handled this. I think I can walk away, and hope that in a city of 1.5 million people that I'll never see her again.

[cheesecake]

I'm so glad I stumbled on this forum and post. Your experiences are extremely similar to mine, and I was wondering what to do about the slander and defamation. In my case it was harassment, rape, physical violence, bringing her to the point where she'd wanted to suicide but my preventing that (perhaps out of guilt), threatening with a knife, and probably more that I haven't heard of. The people in our sporting circles she confided in and slandered me to now doubt her. Unfortunately they weren't terribly fair in their actions toward me at first and now are things have been brushed under the carpet to avoid embarrassment to the leaders and the way they handled this. I think I can walk away, and hope that in a city of 1.5 million people that I'll never see her again.

[ForeverDad]

Did she take any legal actions, such as filing police reports, protection or retraining motions?  If not, then likely the only substantive consequences are that you found out who aren't your Trusted Friends.

Also, do you know 100% that you won't let her back into your life?  Sometimes we victims/targets slide back into the relationships, often starting out by being polite of being conned yet again.  A relapse is especially possible if we share children.  With children there has to be some contact if only for parenting and exchanges.

My ex, mother of our child, made numerous allegations against me after we separated ("sour grapes" or retaliation) to every agency she could find.  Often she phrased her allegations in ways that made it hard to call them lies, as in, "My child told me... . "  That was a scary time in my life.  Eventually I realized that she did it for a few major reasons:  (1) She was in a custody struggle and she had to make me appear worse than her and (2) her extreme Denial meant she could not admit the blame for her issues, moods, feelings, perceptions and behaviors, she had to shift the blame and project them onto me.  It's a disorder most evident the closer the relationship.  And what is closer than spouses or lovers?

My lawyer said it's very hard to prove intent of slander or libel.

[ogopogodude]

Hello Cheesecake. Welcome to this healing site.

My advice... . (and here everybody KNOWS what ogopogodude is going to recommend... . ) ... . videotape, videotape, and vdieotape.

There is nothing like evidence.  I bought two cameras (that loop the video footage)... . well actually three, ... . in case one fails to work... . that mount on the windshield and one on the rear backlite (rear windshield).

I carry my mini-iPad everywhere with me... . and my iphone 5s , ... . I have practiced how to videotape with efficiency.  My car's video cams go on automatically as I start the car, ... or turn on if someone goes in front or back of the car.

Sounds bizarre, ... . yes?

Well, ... . not nearly as bizarre as the behaviour of a raging temper ridden BPD in a full  blown rage episode.  And how does it feel to be (falsely) accused of those awful things/crimes  that you KNOW are not true?

So, ... . be a boy scout, ... . be prepared. You never want to be in a position of "he said/she said" ,... . video tape totally eliminates this by 100%.

[ogopogodude]

If anybody wants to know the make and model of the car windshield-mounted video camera, ... simply private message me (as I am not sure is I am allowed to put a link to the website of the company that installed the amazing cameras inside my vehicle).

[Matt]

I think a key is whether there is any record of what she said.

If she told a bunch of people stuff, but nothing is written down, it will be hard to fix.  Any time it is mentioned to you, you can say, "I've heard she is saying that about me, but it is not true." and that's about all you can do.

I guess you could file suit for slander, and try to get those people to testify as to what she said.  I think you would have to show that it hurt you somehow.  If you choose to do that I wish you well - I wish more people would fight back - but I don't know if much will come of it.

But if she has written anything down, and especially if she put it into the court proceedings, that's very different.  In that case I think you should ask the court to cite her for contempt - it's against the law to put false information into court documents - and also see about having her charged with a crime. 

(Unfortunately I don't think much is likely to come of that either, but you probably have a better chance.  Just today I read of a very high government official putting false information into a court record - and the judge found out - and the official admitted that what he wrote was false - and it caused the person involved a ton of trouble and money for several years.  And of course the government official - who is still in office! - got no consequences of any kind.)

[TCarlisle]

You mean you are concerned about your name/image, as a result of the lies she is undoubtedly telling to anyone that will listen? That is a very valid concern.

The key to slander/libel is the person knows what is being said/written is not true, does it anyways, and it causes damages. The unfortunate thing is, a BPD believes to their core everything they are saying is true, so whether it happened or not isn't too important -- it is whether the person saying it knew it was a lie.

I struggle with the same issues, since my ex is somewhat close to the industry I work in. Also, she has recently started to semi stalk me and now is friends with a lot of people in my social circle. I say semi stalk, because although it clearly is stalking, the law won't define it as such.

I've thought very seriously about starting a website called www.thetruthabout[her name].com and am quite close to deciding to do that. On that site I will simply state the history of our relationship, the serious incidents of abuse that escalated to domestic violence, the circumstances of all arrests, and the outcome of each.

People think I would be risking being sued for slander/libel for doing this, but of course since I am stating facts that can be proven, it won't result in me losing. Some have said it would be stooping to her level. But I have very good reasons for wanting to get "my side" out there.

If you have arrests in your past because of the BPD's false allegations, most states have an expungement process.After a certain amount of time (usually 2-3 years) you can get arrests and even convictions removed. A lawyer will want about $1500 to do it, or you can find the process and forms etc. at your courthouse (or their web site) and get it done for filing fee costs (usually about $75).

I had an employment background check dig up some of my old arrests, which I haven't bothered to expunge, and was able to get through it by demonstrating to the employer that there never was a conviction, and ultimately I ended up holding a permanent restraining order on her. But it would be best to get rid of the record so it doesn't ever come up.

If you know that you are being painted black within your industry/profession to people that could be damaging to you, you might just sent a strongly worded cease and desist letter, threatening a lawsuit of she does not cease. Or, you can file a lawsuit... . then agree to drop it if she agrees to never do it again, etc.

It is another flavor of boundaries and enforcing... . she can bhit to her disordered family all she wants, or drunks and druggies in the bars she hangs out in. But damaging my name within my industry is crossing the boundary and action must be taken. That is about the only thing BPDs comprehend.

[mywifecrazy]

This thread boils my blood! I'm supposed to feel sorry for my poor old uBPDxw because she has this disorder.

How can I feel sorry for someone who goes around telling my neighbors that I raped her beat her and beat on my children. She did all this just so she could get her best friends husband in bed with her and to RESCUE her from me. Now that she has her man-victim and has screwed up my life and her best friends she wants everyone to forget what she's said and done. SCREW HER and screw any PWBpd who does s**t like that. Not until they own up to their lies and clear peoples names they tried to destroy!

[Matt]

Yeah, this is a very frustrating topic, but I think this is a good and important discussion!

The key to slander/libel is the person knows what is being said/written is not true, does it anyways, and it causes damages. The unfortunate thing is, a BPD believes to their core everything they are saying is true, so whether it happened or not isn't too important -- it is whether the person saying it knew it was a lie.

Good reasons to think in terms of "false statements" rather than "lies".  Find out exactly what was said, and if it is not true, then it's a "false statement".  You may never know, or be able to prove, whether it's a "lie" or not, because someone might believe what they are saying.

My wife used to say, "I know there's something between you and [some other woman]!"  She accused me of "something" with virtually every woman I came in contact with.  She was always wrong, but over the years I came to realize that when she said "I know that... . ", she was probably telling the truth.  I think she really did know it (even though it wasn't true).

I've thought very seriously about starting a website called www.thetruthabout[her name].com and am quite close to deciding to do that. On that site I will simply state the history of our relationship, the serious incidents of abuse that escalated to domestic violence, the circumstances of all arrests, and the outcome of each.

At least one other member here has done pretty much exactly that - documented his ex's behavior in on a public web site for everybody's entertainment.  And it's pretty entertaining!  But... . it hurt his custody case - the case was already "settled", but with a high-conflict case, nothing is ever fully settled, and by posting all that stuff about his ex - although it may all be true - he hurt himself in the court's eyes, and things went worse for him after his ex, and then the court, found out about the site.

If you have arrests in your past because of the BPD's false allegations, most states have an expungement process.After a certain amount of time (usually 2-3 years) you can get arrests and even convictions removed. A lawyer will want about $1500 to do it, or you can find the process and forms etc. at your courthouse (or their web site) and get it done for filing fee costs (usually about $75).

I went through this.  My ex had accused me of assault;  in fact, if the officers who came to the house had believed her story, they would have had to charge me with attempted murder.  But they found solid evidence she was lying, and put that in their report.  But... . in my state, when a woman accuses a man of domestic violence, the officers are obligated to arrest him and charge him, so I was charged with assault and four minor offenses.

When the officers' report was available, I got a copy, and gave it to my lawyer, who showed it to the judge, who then ordered that the charges be dropped.  Later I found that the arrest record was posted online for any potential employer to see, and it was interfering with my ability to get work, so I contacted the court, and filed a motion, asking that the arrest record be sealed, or expunged, or whatever.

The judge wrote me back a nice note, explaining that my state has no provision in the law to have any arrest record sealed, expunged, or whatever.  Every arrest record is available to anyone online, at no cost.  The record also shows that the charges were dropped, but you have to know their codes to figure that out - it's not obvious.

So I have to live with that, probably forever.  A big reason to avoid being around someone who might make false accusations in the first place.

If you know that you are being painted black within your industry/profession to people that could be damaging to you, you might just sent a strongly worded cease and desist letter, threatening a lawsuit of she does not cease. Or, you can file a lawsuit... . then agree to drop it if she agrees to never do it again, etc.

This sounds like a practical approach in any state - doesn't really depend on how your state handles these cases.

[TCarlisle]

The police in my town still believe I am the problem and she is the victim. It about makes me want to puke. When we have a snow storm and the plows dump mounds right in front of my driveway, and actually clear everyone else's, I know exactly why.