Fidelity and BPD

[talbed]

Hi All... .1 Day new here (intro'd in Introductions area)

I mentioned in my intro that 3 weeks ago I have been personally told by our MC ina private session that my w is absolutely BPD.  She treats, and has treated, a number of BPD's and it was very clear to her that my w is full on BPD.  It certainly explained everything (after 3 weeks of reading everything I can on this condition).

Our MC told me in a private session that I do have a decison to make - stay or go.  We had another session and I feel I can stay, and she feels good about my personality fitting well into this sitch.  But, it will be hard... .as she said "a calling of sorts".

The only area I KNOW I will have difficulty is fidelity... .  I am extremely monogomous minded and this is an absolute deal breaker - and cheating isn't just sex for me either... .important fact I think.

My w definitely exhibits signs of absolutely needing attention from men to validate her.  I used to think it cute, but now see it as chronic.

And there are so many clues and statements that even my MC says "yea, she is full blown in this area... .one of the more hard core she has seen"  But my MC (a woman) seems to have a 'gut' that she may not cheat. 

One last piece of info... .I have never ever been a jealous man.  In fact my ex-wife felt I was dysfuntionally not jealous.  I am just confident and can feel safe... .  but so many things in the last 2 years has made me more fearful than I prefer... .

Her statements, her actions when we go out, the situations she "ends up in", the keeping around of many of her exes, the chronic talking about them, the fact that she admitted to cheating on just about every long term guy in her past - of course only after she was convince they cheated on her (drilling into the facts I only see extremely loose circumstantial evidence that would make every person a cheater)... .  they all just worry me that one day I will face something I would prefer to never face in my life.  In fact I know I can't.

So not sure what I need here... .assurances?  warnings?  tips?  advice?

I can deal with the rage, the blame, the insecurity, the accusations, this is my only "flaw" in being that guy that can handle it... .  and to me its a big one... .

Thanks experts!

talbed

(Things Are Looking Better Every Day)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I am the same way. My uBPDgf just visited and had a conversation with her ex last year and I cannot get over it. What bothers me more is all the emotional issues surrounding her ex than any physical contact they may have had. She only admitted to a hug. Her kids were with her so I tend to believe her. Their incredible need for attention just comes with the disorder and you will probably will never be able to fill that bottomless pit. You already pointed out the catch-22. Her perception will be that the two hours you spent at the sports bar with your guy friends will just have been a cover for you being with your imaginary mistress. Then she will use that against you to justify her very real affair. The only way you can get around this is to be with her 24/7. It is one of their most powerful tools in their control kit.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I am stills struggling with this one myself. At least you have a lot of self confidence, which is good. You can always do some type of surveillance, but that is a dark path to go down. Trust me, you do not want to go there. It will drive you crazy.

That she has admitted to cheating on all of her ltr's is not a good sign. History tends to repeat itself without a major change. Therapy for her might be positive change for the relationship. Has your MC recommended this? The best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure she understands your expectations and exactly what will happen if they are not met. Then follow through if something were to happen. Good luck and I hope things improve for the both of you.

[talbed]

LINE

Thanks... .

Our MC says she is quite a bit of time away from introducing the concept of BPD to my w.  She says there really is just "one chance" to get them to see and admit there is a problem.  Not one chance in her lifetime mind you, but the intro of that concept that is not accepted will likely spell doom to our relationship and any hope of intimacy.

From what I have read, and know of w, yea, I agree.

I have occassionally grabbed a phone... .very rarely... .  50% of the time BINGO, a text or some reference to a past dude contact.

There is always a "reason".  I have stated clearly, 1) cheaters always get caught 2) it is a total deal breaker for me - no recovery ever 3) karma is a hit__.

and yea, have been accused of cheating already... .and I don't do the two hours with buds... .

You are right... .this can tear one up.  I already have one past BF who thinks I am scum of the earth based on a rage on me to him I happened to catch... .I had to confront both her and him on this and basically put down a "cease and desist" order of communication going forward.  He understood... .  He realized I wasn't messing around... . 

[Love Is Not Enough]

I agree with your MC on not telling her. It does not accomplish anything and only causes them to feel more devalued than they already do. I have known about my gf for 2 and a half years and have only ever mentioned DBT. She finally gave me an "in" recently to really push for therapy. I am giving her contact information today to T that has DBT experience. I doubt the T will even bring it up as it does not mention BPD anywhere on her website. I am just going to tell her to request DBT from the T and that she does not even have to "open old wounds" if she does not want to. It will be interesting to see what she does with it and if anything comes from it. I do not have high expectations at this point, but at least either way I know I will do what's best for me.

[MissTajo]

hello!

I just signed in yesterday and 90 per cent of the reason I joined in was because of all the cheating associated with BPD. My bf and I have been together for a year. He was extremely jealous in the begging but with the time passing he came to realize I'm just not that kind of girl. I would never cheat him or anyone. That's just not in my blood. Its a deal breaker and I would never accept to be with a cheater. BUT being with him has made me do and say things I thought I would never say and do. Don't ask me why but it just can be so intense sometimes to be with someone with this condition that I just agree to shut him up.  I'm getting better and putting my foot down more. Though he can be the sweetest guy I have ever met and the best friend I have ever had and a loving person I am ALWAYS thinking that he is going to cheat. He said he never did that to anyone before but I know they lie so well... .  I'm always thinking about it! How do I get over this? Its eating me inside! I've always been somewhat jealous but with him is just too much... .