please help: think 16 year old son has BPD

[yankeeclipper]

Hi:

I'm completely new to posting online, but i know i could use some help and support if I'm going to make it through this.

My sixteen year old son has always has certain personality complexities.  I've thought of him as my "'eggshells" kid since he was two or three because of his volatility. His moods change on a dime and without much rational basis.  He's struggled with interpersonal relationships throughout his school years; he'll have friends but then he seems to alienate them.  Sadly, his friends are really the only thing that is important to him... . he doesn't have other passions or interests.  He's very impulsive, also, and often acts without weighing the consequences.  His behavior is escalating now; he's been smoking a lot of pot, has gotten into a couple of fights (one resulting in a suspension), ran away from home when i told him he needed to be home by a certain time, etc.  As far as damaging behavior, in addition to the pot, he's punched in some walls, broken his closet door, and broken a bunch of CDs and stuff in his room (like he's gotten angry and just crushed them.).  His grades have dropped a lot as well.  he didn't pass one class and did poorly in some others. he also lies very easily and has stolen from me and his siblings.

I've taken him to a couple of therapists but the therapists just take him at face value and say it's normal teenage stuff.

He says there's nothing wrong with him and he is very, very averse to therapy. Is there any hope at all when a kid rejects help?

I honestly don't know where to turn.  I've read about DBT and it sounds like it might be helpful.  we live in the SF Bay Area (Contra Costa County). Are there any good practitioners?

Also, we are concerned about keeping and the rest of our family safe.  prior to reading about BPD this weekend, I'd wondered whether we might ultimately need to send him away to a wilderness program/therapeutic boarding school.  Is he even eligible if he is PBD and would it just make his condition worse?

I love my son and am so terribly worried and scared.  Any advice would be welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Yankeeclipper and    A lot of us parents are struggling with the same types of issues you are, particularly when it comes to friends.  My dd has this tremendous need to have a social outlet but her friendships are all short-lived.  I feel so sad for her.  I know it hurts her so much and makes her feel like she's unlovable. 

Please be careful when choosing a treatment plan.  The wrong one can make your BPD child worse than none at all.  Also, be wary of those 30 day programs.  It has taken your son a lifetime to get where he is today.  30 days won't make much of a lasting change. 

How are you and your family dealing with all the stress of having a BPD son?  I know how all the trauma and drama can wear you down.  How are you taking care of yourself?  How is the rest of the family?  How many children do you have?  Does he have a good relationship with his siblings?

I'm looking forward to getting to know more about you and your family.  Keep posting!

-crazed

[yankeeclipper]

My son has siblings with whom he's never gotten along very well... . sometimes he does, but there's always been tension and major arguments.  He's really difficult to live with, which is why i've always felt like we walk on eggshells.

I know it's important to take care of myself, my marriage and my other kids.  I'm working to do that but of course it's a big challenge.

What makes me feel helpless is that i don't know what ind of treatment to seek out for him and how to get there.  What have others done that has been helpful?  i really, really could use guidance in this area.

[jellibeans]

Dear Yankeeclipper

My dd has seen a few therapist but the only one that has made a difference is the one she sees now and she does DBT therapy. Is your son open to therapy? I think you could start with a Neuropsychological Evaluation... . that could be a starting point to see what difficulties he is having. They can suggest a course of action.

Your sons seems like he is in a lot of pain and the mood swings are impacting how he is able to get along with people. Have you read any of the aricles here?


Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

Parents’ “Bill of Rights”


When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time... . things will get better... . please keep posting

[jellibeans]

so sorry for the misstake on my last post... . forgot what board I was on... . now that you have found the parenting board there will be the support and help you need... .

[yankeeclipper]

Thank you jellibeans.  Your words mean so much to mean that I can't keep from sobbing.  I called a neuropsych Friday morning but didn't hear back.  I'll try again tomorrow. I'd like to get that ball rolling.  I've also (just this weekend) learned about DBT but don't know how to find a good therapist in our area.  My son isn't open to therapy.  He says he'll do it just to get us off his back but he's really very hostile about it.  He hasn't ever been open to therapy.  He thinks he doesn't need it and his last word was that his only problems are his dad and I. The times I have gotten him to go before have been entirely witless.  The therapists just say that he's a normal adolescent bot.  They actually believe everything he tells them (takes him at his word) when he is very good at lying and obfuscating.  I know we need someone GOOD but how to find one.  I don't want to keep blowing my collateral by taking him to useless ones.

I look forward to reading or watching all of your suggestions.  And will get to that now.  I really, really appreciate your support.

By the way, I'm not sure what you were referring to when you mentioned a mistake in your last ost.  I'm very new to this.  is this something I should know about?

[Kate4queen]

Hi, my son sounds just like your son. He was probably at his most violent and difficult at the age of 16, so I totally sympathize with where you are. My son was also very charismatic, charming and considered a brave, intelligent individual fighting against his physical disabilities and - his horrible parents. Yes. apparently somewhere along the line we became these evil people who when we were worried about his behaviors were told that we were the problem.

have you contacted his school? We made sure the principal and the counseling department knew about our concerns for our son. They didn't believe us, assuming he had a 'right' to be angry about his disability and that he was just angry. We knew in our souls it was something more and even when they wouldn't offer any more help, we persisted just to have documentation at the school showing that we had been concerned and that we were worried.

So number 1. make sure you keep records and document what's going on.

#2. are you afraid of him?

#3 if so, how are you protecting yourself and your other children from him? (I know it's a horrible thing to consider, but you are allowed to feel safe in your own house. (I know we didn't) )

#4 I'd suggest you get therapy for yourself and everyone else in your family if he won't join you and start looking at ways to set boundaries to his behaviors-not for his benefit but for yours.

Unfortunately, my son who is now 22 hasn't improved much, although his physical violence did tail off at about age 19. We fund his rent and living costs in the bay area but we are tapering those off in the summer because we're not really helping him any more, we're just enabling him.


I wonder whereabouts in the bay area you are? I used to live there and found a wonderful counselor who was very up to date with the latest info about BPD and was actually the person who reaffirmed my opinion that my son had it. She couldn't help him directly because he too refused to go to counseling but she did help us learn to deal with him in a different, non confrontational, positive way that means we don't get drawn into fights and his rage and spiraling anger.

[jellibeans]

Dear Yankeeclipper

You posted the same post on the newbie board and I got confused as to where I was... . my post didn't make sense... .

I found my dd16 therapist by googling DBT therapy... . I do believe there is a national directory... I am not sure where you are located.

The things that really helped my dd16 were boundaries... . she need to feel the consequences for her actions even if that meant calling the police. My dd ran away from home several times and we called the police... . when she tried to hurt herself we took her to the ER. I found when we let other be involved with her care she listened more. We finally had to place her in a RTC for a few months because she was so self destructive. That helped kind of wake her up and she has been more compliant with taking meds and following the rules around here. It was suggested by one of her therapist we have a behavioral contract with her... I am not sure that was the best thing for her... . the tough love approach is not what these kids need. I think you need to look at how can you reduce the conflict in your home.

What are the main difficulties you are having with your son? School? drugs?

[yankeeclipper]

Oh, i see.  Yes, there's definitely a bit of a learning curve with respect to me and this website!

My primary concern is that his lifelong pattern of behavior is escalating. I've always know he had a thornier personality than my other kids and that getting along with him is more of a challenge.  Lately, we've added these things:

lots of pot (including a very potent crystal form of pot);

poor performance in school;

two fights (including one suspension) in the past two or three months;

ran away from home (just one night);

NOT where he said he would be on sleepovers (raves perhaps or all-night drug benders);

struggles with friends (he's always had this);

stealing (hopefully just from his own family);

spending all his money instantly (he's never been able to save a penny, actually... . spends as soon as he has access);

lying in bed all day unless he can "hang out" with his "friends";

destruction of his property in his room (banging walls, breaking CD's, etc.)

When I set limits on his behavior he gets very angry, says he wants to live independently, and insists that his only problems are his parents. I know he ives me and that I'm his rock, yet that's not enough.  He doesn't have a great relationship with his siblings or, generally, his father.

[yankeeclipper]

Thank you kate4queen.  I really appreciate your response.

When my son gets really angry about something, he can be scary.  He hasn't threatened to hurt any of us but he has damaged the house (mostly his room)... . broken a closet door, put holes in some walls, damaged his own personal property.  His eyes kind of darken when he's really angry and I know that he's no longer in control of himself.  The condition does seem to be worsening, however.

We live in Contra Costa County.  I'd love any recommendations you have. 

What is hard is setting rules for behavior.  He wants to do whatever he wants to do, but we really can't trust him.  Weekends are a huge battle.  If i tell him i don't want him "sleeping over" (which I don't because he doesn't go where he says he's supposed to be and ends up I know not where--rave, all night weed bender?), a nasty battle ensues.

I emailed his counselor at school last week but haven't heard back.  I'm trying to figure out what steps to take.

Might i ask what you tried with your son and whether anything was helpful?

[jellibeans]

dear Yakeeclipper

Can you tell me what consequences he receives for the things he does? Have you ever called the police? If he has drugs in your home what do you do when you find it? Have you ever drug tested your son? These are simple kits you buy at the drug store... . if he wants the freedom to go out then he should be tested when he gets home. I have searched my daughter's room while she is out as well.

I don't think turning a blind eye to illegal activity is the best way to proceed. There has to be consequences.

My daughter has run away several times and each time we have called the police. The last time she ran away they wanted tot ake her to Juvie but let her stay but it was clear if she ran away again she would be going to juvie... . that was the last time she ran away.

I have heard that so many times as well... . we are the problem and if my dd could live on her own things would be great. We would like nothing more to see her living independently one day but the odds of that are pretty low right now. I am not sure I told you of a book or not but if you can get "Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr" it would be a good one to read... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders