Absolute thinking

[maxsterling]

Our couples therapist suggested to my BPDgf to work on her "absolute thinking" in that having such thoughts contribute to her distress.  Such as, "We will never have enough money."  or "everyone always... . "  It was a weird exchange, where the therapist suggested other ways to thinking about a situation, and GF defended herself with more absolutes, to which the T tried correcting her on.

And later I thought about it, and decided that I can't recall ever being around anyone else that thought like this.  I've been around a few negative and depressed people, but don't recall any of them having this kid of thinking affect every area of their lives. 

Is this part of the black/white splitting mindset of BPD? 

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[Cipher13]

Wow I wonder what would happen if I could get the same thing to happen to my wife. Thats kind of what I am hoping this T will point out. I am guessing its the black and white thinking that is the root of the aboslute thinking.

[Surnia]

Hi maxsterling

"always - never - everyone" are really "killer" words. My thoughts are its not just related to BPD. My ex-husband with strong N traits has this too in his mindset.

Watching myself I would say I tend to jump on this when I feel helpless.

[an0ught]

Hi maxsterling,

Is this part of the black/white splitting mindset of BPD? 

yes

thinking in extremes is one of the factors that amplifies the emotions and is part of the distortions that make it hard for a pwBPD to regulate. When the world is pitch black and blazing white being in the shadow can be frightening indeed. Alone holding black and white in the mind at the same time can be a challenge. Grey needs to be cast into one of the two buckets - immediately - as ambiguity is even more frightening than pitch black. I mean you got to know where you stand exactly otherwise you don't really exist 

Frontal assault usually is hopeless. Maybe in individual therapy but in couple therapy? Did the T get through? For us partners the best courses of action are:

- validate - a calmer person is more likely to able perceive grey

- dialectical messages - using both black and white in our message rather than using grey

- let it go. If it is not important don't bother. Life may well be a better teacher than us.