Is this her trying to suck me in?

[max101]

Hi everybody,

I felt like posting because something happened just a short while ago and I need to share it with people that understand.

SHORT RECAP: My uBPDgf broke up with me exactly one week ago. After 3.5 years she felt like things were not going well and after talking to her T she decided it is time she concentrates on herself and her university. I accepted (smart move) but am feeling mixed, drained from her BPD episodes but said to see it all end.

In any case, there was no contact for the last 7 days until she sent me a message today out of the blue, I did not want to be an arse and knew that not responding would cause more crap:

HER: Hi, how are you?

ME: I'm OK, studying and looking for work.

HER: Ok, so is there anything?

ME: Hard to say, waiting for call backs and staying positive, something will come.

HER: Oh, ok. Don't you care whats happening to me?

ME: I do. How is university?

HER: Sorry I contacted you, maybe it was not a good idea but after 3 years I was curious to see if you were OK... .

ME: That's not the point. I simply think it's better if you take some more time for yourself.

She has not responded to this last message. Do you guys think it was a tactic to "suck" me in, to try and steer the conversation towards our break up or to get me to meet up. I feel like I handled it Ok, what do you think?

I would appreciate any feedback

[seeking balance]

Honestly - it was not about you at all... . if you get sucked back in that is your choice.  It took me a long time to understand what I am about to share.

BPD is an attachment disorder - fact

She likely was feeling something (lonely, sadness, etc) and max101 made her feel better in the past so how about reaching out to see if he will help me feel better.  For her - it is a win/win. 

What I mean by that:

1 - you are nice, she feels wanted and feels better

2 - you are a jerk, she gets angry (this is better than lonely) validates why she broke up with you anyways.

So, what can you do for you on this?  Simply take it for what it is... . if you are in limited contact (LC) answer the questions, keep it simple/boring.  Try not to tell her what she needs or what you feel - keep it very, very sterile.

How are you feeling?

[Johnny Alias]

I'm gonna be serious with you... . why are you even responding?  She broke up with you and now shes wanting to know why you aren't asking questions about her life?  Please.  

Do yourself a favor and go NC.  I know I preach about it a lot on this discussion board, but if she's BPD and she broke up with you it's for the best.  Things will NEVER be the same and you cannot be friends.  You're too attached to her for that to happen.  

And I hate to say this, but there is an EXTREME possibility she is already seeing someone else.  BPD's don't typically end things unless they have another branch to swing to.  I mean... . yeah, like never.  They can't be alone and have to have attention and love showered on themselves at all times because they REALLY don't like who they are... . they dont even KNOW what they are... .

I like how she just jumped into ":)on't you care what's happening to me?"  Total manipulation from the woman who just tossed you away.  Tuggin on your heart strings.  Just let her go man.  This wasn't going to have a happy ending not matter how you slice it up and analyze it.  

Once you go full NC and block all forms of communication she's going to still try and contact you through mutual friends or whatever eventually.  You're a toy.  She doesn't want to lose her toy.  She might want to play with it again someday.  By the time this happens you will hopefully have hit the reset button and become emotionally detached.  At that point you'll be able to talk to her... . but I STILL DONT ADVISE IT.  They are experts at pullling you back in with sex, sob stories, whatever.  

Adult children.  Remember that.  You've been dating a 5 year old in women's clothing.  You can't reason with her, calm her down, or make sense of what she's done.  THIS WILL NOT CHANGE!  

Seeking Balance is 100% correct about the attention be it good or bad.  Just give her NONE.  Seriously. 

[max101]

I feel like my responses were cold/distant which is surely better than telling her I am having a hard time. I mean, even in a relationship with two "nons" I do not think it is a good idea for people to discuss "how they are feeling" so soon after a break up as it is obvious it's hard on everybody.

Personally I am feeling lonely in a way, a part of me wants her next to me but I know that would be a terrible idea and that we would break up again.

I don't see how I will get closure if she will be contacting me but I also cannot block all venues of communication because that would just instigate so much more rage and negativity and would be much harder for me.

[seeking balance]

I feel like my responses were cold/distant which is surely better than telling her I am having a hard time. I mean, even in a relationship with two "nons" I do not think it is a good idea for people to discuss "how they are feeling" so soon after a break up as it is obvious it's hard on everybody.

Your responses were fine, nothing wrong with it.  Be mindful not to tell her what she should do however.   I simply think it's better if you take some more time for yourself.  Likely this felt nicer to you than saying I need space.  Again, nothing wrong with responding if that is what you need for you to detach.

Personally I am feeling lonely in a way, a part of me wants her next to me but I know that would be a terrible idea and that we would break up again.

Wise mind - it is lonely and hard, we loved them and miss them yet they are the ones who cause the pain and chaos.  Right now, actions trump emotions so you can heal - you are being wise. 

I don't see how I will get closure if she will be contacting me but I also cannot block all venues of communication because that would just instigate so much more rage and negativity and would be much harder for me.

Nobody says you have to block all venues yet - you will know emotionally if it gets to that point for you.  NC is a tool to help detach, it is not a magic cure.  But many of us could not get our balance without it - again, you know what you need right now.

Perhaps next time - try not responding immediately - delay her gratification, change the patterns of the dance... . this way you are not the "quick emotional fix".

Again, you handled it just fine - this is complex emotional stuff.

[winston72]

Hey Max101... . your responses were not at all cold... . they were quite polite and appropriate.

The post from SB is so "on target"!  Worth really digesting... . and I think JA is spot on as well.  

Copying the text of the message is so instructive and enlightening for me.  Man, have I been in a lot of these conversations!  And, it seems to me that you might not even be able to see just how "disordered" her communication is.  Please read it again... . she has only four lines of communication and she cannot maintain continuity even in this brief chat.  She pulls you closer, puts you down thereby pushing you away, then abandons you by not completing the conversation.  My, a whole complex of personality issues in 42 words!  Yes, I counted.  

As was already noted, she is likely not intending to be sinister or destructive... . she is just being herself, having a moment of need and reaching out to you.  The connection however is "disordered".  When you (me, us, people on the other side of such a connection) are emotionally vulnerable to this type of "attachment" or "connection" or "communication" and we presume that it should be understood as an attempt to communicate and connect as you might do with her... . well, we start to get all twisted up ourselves.  

I suspect at this point you might not even see the confusing, dead-end, aggressive, manipulative twists in those 42 words... .

[winston72]

My post crossed in the BPD-ethernet with SB... .

[max101]

Wow, in all honestly I did feel that it was some form of manipulation on her part you guys have made it even more clear. I agree, jumping into the whole "don't you care about me" is an obvious sign that she was trying to manipulate me into start discussing her feelings and how this break up is hard on her.

In the past I remember that I was terrible at her game and would jump into asking her about her feelings which she would quickly use to attack me and claim I am a cold ass. I feel like she is not responding because she doe's not have the material to label me as horrible but God knows what is cooking in her head.

From your experiences, can I expect many more of these "out of the blue" messages?

I just cannot understand why she is contacting me if she is the one that broke up with me because SHE needs time to herself, to figure out who she is and what she wants from life.



 

[seeking balance]

From your experiences, can I expect many more of these "out of the blue" messages?

yes, the contact emotionally soothed her - it was for her and about her.

I just cannot understand why she is contacting me if she is the one that broke up with me because SHE needs time to herself, to figure out who she is and what she wants from life.

I am going to tell you exactly what Schwing posted to me that stopped me in my tracks (paraphrasing here)... . she has a T and is doing what she thinks is best for her and her emotions... . work with your own T so you can do what is best for you and your emotions.

At the end of the day, we really can only take care of and change ourselves - she is just being who she always has been.

Hang in there,

SB

[winston72]

It might be most instructive to ask if, from your experience, she will contact you again.  Everyone is different, but you have plenty of information and history with her to make your own assessment.

Again, you apply your rationale for how people process relationships and break-ups when you think about her actions.  So you ask why she would call if she broke up with you?  As SB highlighted, such reasoning is not what drives her behavior.  And, it will spin you down the rabbit hole to try to solve that mystery.  Your path forward, as it always is in life, is to look to yourself and how you react and respond to her... . and then make judgments on what that means for you. 

I hesitate to use the word manipulative.  In the case of my ex, she very consciously and purposefully lied to me for specific goals.  That was manipulation, in my book.  In the case of the texts you received, the net effect was to "jerk you around"... . the effect was manipulative, but it does not seem to be a grand scheme... . more reflexive, innate tendencies to have her own needs determine how she treats other people.  Same effect in some ways, maybe even more dangerous than the one who plans it!

Jumping ahead a bit... . you are withholding some of your reactions to her and some of your desires because you are still too vulnerable to her... . "because that would just instigate so much more rage and negativity and would be much harder for me."  I agree that you should do whatever you need to do to be in a safe place and take steps, in your own time, toward recovery.  But think about this... . you do not want to upset someone by seeking some space and quiet to heal... . this someone who was abusive to you and who broke up with you!  Things are a bit upside down... . and I can recognize it because I spent a long time with my own feet above my head... . spinning and spinning.

Keep posting, Max... . some daylight coming your way!

[seeking balance]

It might be most instructive to ask if, from your experience, she will contact you again.  Everyone is different, but you have plenty of information and history with her to make your own assessment.

Thanks for clarifying Winston - I certainly should not give a definitive yes to the contact occurring again - I should have said most likely based on what I have seen here - but there really is not a one size fits all... . thanks for pointing that out 

[State85]

Seeking is spot on.

If you're not NC, don't be so quick to respond. Take that control from her. Leave her hanging for a while, don't let her think you are desparate to have contact with her.

I love how she asked ":)on't you care what's happening to me"

Mine does this all the time when I'm LC or NC. She'll text "ya, I see you don't care at all at how I am", or "You con't care about me".

See, its all about them... . everything is about them. In my case, if my exgf is occupied with someone else, or garnering the attention she craves... . I don't hear from her.

[myself]

One week after breaking up isn't very long. It's not surprising she turned to you to get her needs met. If you went NC, her rages and negativity wouldn't be able to affect you. It's breathing room.

Every story is different, but I agree with what the others said, it's about attention and control. She wanted to get a reaction out of you so she could react to it. Did it feel sincere when she asked you how you were doing? After three years, does it feel like she is being real with you?

I did not want to be an arse and knew that not responding would cause more crap

You wouldn't be being an arse, you'd be doing what is best for you (and following her wishes that she needs time to herself to figure herself out, without you which meant breaking up). Ask yourself if you will continue to respond, just to not cause more crap. How long will that go on? Whose crap is it?

[acknowledgement]

I'm so confused by the nc. My friend (lifelong) gives silent treatment for days weeks even a month. Latest came in an e mail from her saying she wants silence and doesn't want to talk now that she thinks things are different with our friendship she's changed... this came after she "forgot" about a definite plan we made to get together for birthdays and after she was annoyed that she didn't know my cell wasn't working, as I asked her to please return my calls on my other phone... Is this plain crazy BPD fear of abandonment... . I know it's not normal after decades of being friends to tell someone you don't want to talk to them... . feelings not facts?, but I struggle with wondering if i should try to contact her again to validate her feelings and try to keep the door open... . or do I just let 30 years of knowing someone slipmintomher silent treatment without reaching out to try? Any advice appreciated... . l

[santa]

It's just push/pull manipulations.

She contacts you and then says, "Sorry for bothering you."

She's just trying to jerk you around. Go no contact and let her be some other guy's problem.

[justaboutdone]

HER: Oh, ok. Don't you care whats happening to me?

ME: I do. How is university?

HER: Sorry I contacted you, maybe it was not a good idea but after 3 years I was curious to see if you were OK... .

Wow!  This is my life now and these games are tiring!  This is everyday of my life.  It was always about her in that message and it was never about you.  It was about you only enough to get you to ask about her. Of course, she did not even give you enough time for you to finish talking about you before attacking you like a venomous snake.   



I like this advice taken from Joseph Carver, PhD on this website

"- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target."

[mgl210]

Try this one out for size... .

She sent me a text last week wishing me a happy new year... . ?

[Moonie75]

Try this one out for size... .

She sent me a text last week wishing me a happy new year... . ?

It's February!

[mgl210]

Chinese New years was just last week bro

MGL

[acknowledgement]

I sent a message, trying to use the validating tools, empathy, etc (SET), saying "your feelings are important to me. I love you as my dear friend and would never abandon our friendship. I hope to speak to you soon, as my heart is open". She responded coldly with " Abandon is a powerful word. you are too distant, this is too difficult for me, what type of friendship is this?". I called her on the phone and asked her to call me back... . no call. I guess at this point I am silenced and she does already have a "replacement friend" to vent all of her MANY issues and needs and complaints about others to... . do I stick to complete NC and just forget that she was part of my life for over 30 years? Was the friendship even ever real, was she capable of love if she can turn the switch off from last week (when she sent me a gift of pictures of us together and wanted to plan a trip away)... . ?

[Pearl55]

These validating tools makes me LAUGH.

[mgl210]

and she texted me again last night wishing me an early happy birthday... .

[max101]

I have to agree with some of the people that posted, that I am actually in control and can always go no contact or at least be distant and hence make her get bored of me. At this point I want to work with limited contact and then with time and depending on her behavior I would proceed with no contact.

The type of text games, especially "You do not care about me" were very common during our relationship but usually I would just cave and overly validate her feelings even though I knew it was incredibly dumb, childish and pathetic.

As for using Validation tools, SET techniques they may work for some but I tried them and nothing worked. BPD's are incredibly smart and simply label these attempts by us NONS as manipulation.

In a bizarre and probably morbid way I am curious what her next move will be. I expect an attack message along the lines of: "I cannot believe you do not care what happening in my life and have not shown interest in seeing me"

Have to prepare a good response in my mind for that

[mgl210]

Well, she wrote me back when I asked her what the deal was about those text msgs she sent me, and this is the response I got:

I texted you to say happy new year and happy bday from one acquaintance to another, nothing more. I'm not conflicted, just being polite, but I'm ending all communications on all levels and via all mediums now.

However, I know this isn't the end of communications... . It never really is... It just will come back now that I've given her an ultimatum and stood up to call her on the way she's treating me... .

Best wishes

MGL