How do they feel when you start dating someone else?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I'm probably going to get a bunch of responses like "Who cares! Move on!" and "so what, live your own life"  and "forget about her!"  but I'm curious, within the spectrum of this disorder, how the person with BPD deals with you moving on. 

Here's my circumstance:

1.  I was out at a bar with my new girl.  She does not have BPD and she's a lot prettier than my ex-wife.  I saw two of my ex-wife's co-workers there and they were staring at me and my new girl.   I'm sure the word got back to her.

2.  My new girl and I were out at a winery gift shop.  My ex-wife walks into the winery by herself and sees us together.  She ignores us but does make her way into our vicinity on a couple of occassions to get a look at us. 

I see this as karma, because after my ex-wife and I separated and I moved out, she started dating her co-worker before our divorce was finalized and rubbed it in my face.

So, how do they feel when you start dating someone else?  Any personal stories? Are they hurt? sad? I'm trying to learn more about BPD... .

[expos]

So, I'm probably going to get a bunch of responses like "Who cares! Move on!" and "so what, live your own life"  and "forget about her!"  but I'm curious, within the spectrum of this disorder, how the person with BPD deals with you moving on. 

Here's my circumstance:

1.  I was out at a bar with my new girl.  She does not have BPD and she's a lot prettier than my ex-wife.  I saw two of my ex-wife's co-workers there and they were staring at me and my new girl.   I'm sure the word got back to her.

2.  My new girl and I were out at a winery gift shop.  My ex-wife walks into the winery by herself and sees us together.  She ignores us but does make her way into our vicinity on a couple of occassions to get a look at us. 

I see this as karma, because after my ex-wife and I separated and I moved out, she started dating her co-worker before our divorce was finalized and rubbed it in my face.

So, how do they feel when you start dating someone else?  Any personal stories? Are they hurt? sad? I'm trying to learn more about BPD... .

[santa]

My ex said she'd be really upset. She moved like 400 miles away though, so it's probably not going to be an issue.

[buddy1226]

My ex dates and our divorce hasn't even begun... rubs it in my face too... says she wouldn't care if I found someone yet she comes here drunk, crying loving me... Who knows. I'm glad you got that... That would make me feel great. Cheers.

[Tausk]

It's hard to say for sure how anyone feels. 

But IMHO,  if your ex is a pwBPD:

She was probably abused and abandoned as a young child.

She's emotionally stunted at the level of a traumatized three-year old with abandonment/engulfment issues. 

She doesn't have the capacity to process the normal experiences of day to day life. 

She has limited capacity for remorse or responsibility for her actions.

She has limited memory of her relationships.

So it's very possible that she sees you as an abusive parent in relation to a three year-old (her) who:

Abused her because you demanded that she behave in a ways that were beyond her capacity (like self control),

Abandoned her to fend for herself, (even if she was the one who left you),

Replaced her, (just like she said that you would do from the start.)

And now she's alone the world in the middle of a busy street, filled with shame, anger, and terror and no real adult capacity to navigate life or the very real nightmare of her doomed future. Whatever pain you felt with her and her ex, is nothing compared to what she's feeling, in part because she doesn't have any tools to cope.


So, if you want to derive pleasure in the idea that maybe she felt pain (schadenfreude),  after seeing you with her replacement, right now she probably feels more intense pain and terror than a "normal" person could handle for even a heart beat.  We would go insane with just a glimpse of it.


Sadness. 

[arn131arn]

"Who Cares! Move on! So what... . live your own life! Forget about her!"

Sorry, bro... . I had to do it 

[ShadowDancer]

It's hard to say for sure how anyone feels.  

But IMHO,  if your ex is a pwBPD:

She was probably abused and abandoned as a young child.

She's emotionally stunted at the level of a traumatized three-year old with abandonment/engulfment issues.  

She doesn't have the capacity to process the normal experiences of day to day life.  

She has limited capacity for remorse or responsibility for her actions.

She has limited memory of her relationships.

So it's very possible that she sees you as an abusive parent in relation to a three year-old (her) who:

Abused her because you demanded that she behave in a ways that were beyond her capacity (like self control),

Abandoned her to fend for herself, (even if she was the one who left you),

Replaced her, (just like she said that you would do from the start.)

And now she's alone the world in the middle of a busy street, filled with shame, anger, and terror and no real adult capacity to navigate life or the very real nightmare of her doomed future. Whatever pain you felt with her and her ex, is nothing compared to what she's feeling, in part because she doesn't have any tools to cope.


So, if you want to derive pleasure in the idea that maybe she felt pain (schadenfreude),  after seeing you with her replacement, right now she probably feels more intense pain and terror than a "normal" person could handle for even a heart beat.  We would go insane with just a glimpse of it.


Sadness.  

Such an eloquent description. Such a precise capacity for empathy and understanding. Such a demonstration of humanity and decency. I am humbled under the gravity of this knowledge and understanding. This is truly grace under fire. THIS to me... . is the plaintive painful voice of healing.

[Pretty Woman]

She will not be happy and if she is "single" she will try to win you back only to f up another relationship and put you back where you started with her.

It's not worth it.

[expos]

Well, she seemed relatively unfazed.  She said to me "hey Expos" in a flat monotone voice and minded her own business.  

However, having known her for five years and being married to her, I know that she was prone to ridiculous outbursts over the most trivial things, like anyone with BPD is prone to do - and being that my new girl is very pretty... . I'm sure she was probably a little effected by it.

I guess what was strange about it was knowing this was an individual that I was married to and we shared basically every minute together and she was standing just 15 feet away from me.  She had my last name, we shared a bed, etc.  It was really weird.

Of course, I didn't want to talk to her (and she wrote me a condescending email after our divorce that said she never wanted to talk to me again and that I "should not reply to her email".

[expos]

She will not be happy and if she is "single" she will try to win you back only to f up another relationship and put you back where you started with her.

It's not worth it.

I wouldn't take her back.  In retrospect, she was pretty at times and really good in bed during the honeymoon phase and then here real colors came out.  She wasn't interesting, talented, or particularly a good person in any way.   

She is not single.  She is still with the guy she got with at her job before we divorced.  His girlfriend left that summer and moved away and they (my wife and this guy) had worked together for many years.  I remember it very clearly, the day or week he came into the picture.  It was like switch went off.  She stopped making eye contact with me and gave me short, mean answers to all of my questions.  She went from a wounded, depressed, crying woman to a confident, bhity, dismissive individual almost overnight.  She also lost like 30 pounds for him once he came around.  It was pathetic. 

Knowing what I know now, this guy has nothing on me really (and I shouldn't compare myself with him because it's not fair).  But after finding out who he was, I was SHOCKED that this is who my replacement was.  This is an individual who my wife, back then, would have been repulsed by.  Regardless, I know that this will not last for her.  She couldn't have changed that much... . at least, her nasty emails to me while they were together were an indication that she is still the same terrible person.

[Tausk]

Expo.  It so hard.  And I understand.  Especially the parts about being so close at one point, and now nothing.  It's so very hard and sad that it defies cognitive understanding.

It's the Disorder.  And even if she's mean and horrible to you, understand it's because she doesn't have the capacity for thinking in the big picture.  All she can do is feel black or white.  And you are evil now.  You are not with her, and she can't understand why not, so you are evil, controlling and abusive.

And even seeing you with someone new, is beyond her understanding because that would mean that you might be somewhat good, but you can't be because you're entirely evil... .

Add the above crazy thinking to the fact that she feels her emotions at a level of about a thousand times you and me, and that she really does not have a true sense of self... . it's amazing she's still surviving.  And I'm sure that you can see her torturous existence. 

Her pain that she inflicted on you wasn't personal, it's just the only way that she knows how to survive.  It doesn't make it right. But the understanding of these facts help to ease some of my bitterness.  And even though I understand in my head, I still move to the place of anger and bitterness.  But it's gotten better and it will for you as well.

You don't need to compare yourself or your new relationships to your ex and what she might have.  That's the brainwashing of the Disorder, which led us to believe that it was our shortcomings that were responsible for the unhappiness.

In reality, my ex moving on, and treating me in a similar fashion as yours, actually became the greatest gift that she ever gave me.  Pretty ironic and pathetic... . huh? 

You'll be fine as long as bitterness and anger do not overwhelm your heart, because your essence is that of a decent caring man of character.

[hypokondri]

Im doing a real bad thing now.

My exBPDgf since 2months (we we´re together for 2years) had a kind of a friend, she is sometimes splitted black by my x but anyway it is her best friend.

My ex has always known that her friend is a threat to her becuse she really is top of the line... .

We started to flirt & guess what... .

We´re going on a romantic weekend... .

Yeah, all hell will break loose when my ex will find out,

but what the heck, Im over with my ex 

[hypokondri]

You be a good lad & keep her busy, away from people that might mistake her for a good woman of honesty & integrity, only to learn the hard way again.

she has no integrity and I will keep her busy, at least over the weekend... . If i manage.

yes, I know this is a bad idea, i know about all of the but I kind of like to burn my bridges to get out from being "mindfcked by my BPDexGF 

[Waifed]

You be a good lad & keep her busy, away from people that might mistake her for a good woman of honesty & integrity, only to learn the hard way again.

she has no integrity and I will keep her busy, at least over the weekend... . If i manage.

yes, I know this is a bad idea, i know about all of the but I kind of like to burn my bridges to get out from being "mindfcked by my BPDexGF  

This is wrong but oh so right!  Have fun and enjoy every minute of it.

[Tausk]

You be a good lad & keep her busy, away from people that might mistake her for a good woman of honesty & integrity, only to learn the hard way again.

she has no integrity and I will keep her busy, at least over the weekend... . If i manage.

yes, I know this is a bad idea, i know about all of the but I kind of like to burn my bridges to get out from being "mindfcked by my BPDexGF  

"she has no intergrity?"  What about you?  

Where is your integrity?  And integrity, character, and decency is the only way out of the pain of the Disorder.

Narcissistic revenge only keeps you locked in the cycle of destruction.

If you were mirrored by a pwBPD, and fell in "love."  It means that you want understanding.  It means you want connection.  It means you want to heal the wounds of a f'ed up childhood where your needs weren't met by your parents.

Two months out from a two year interaction with a pwBPD, and you're over it?  Then you're an emotional superman with great insight into yourself and FOO issues.  But if that's so, why did you stay for two years.  Why do you hurt?  Why do you care what a person who's Bat Sht Crazy did/does to you? 

If you go through with it, think about the total destruction. Some partner's never recover.  Recovery requires acknowledgement and responsibility for one's actions.  Abusing someone else for revenge only more deeply embeds a person into the hooks of the disorder.  

There are many people on this board who are very wise who will tell you to act differently than you are planning.   You choose to confess on a side thread.  Maybe get feedback by posting your own thread.  

I wasn't very willing to accept good suggestions.  I would rather live in the addiction of drama.  That's why I'm on this board.  The damage that will be done by your planned actions will be to your own ego.  It's your false ego hurting now.  Responding with violence will only worsen your false ego.  If you were a sociopath or a narcissist, you wouldn't be on this board.  

So why are you doing what your planning?  What is your motivation?   How does your actions make you a better man tomorrow than today?  And haven't you learned yet that having sex with damaged people doesn't really help our own self worth.    Your ex and her disordered friend are already damaged... . probably beyond repair.  



You might be beyond repair as well.  There's no guarantee that you'll get better or that the pain will ease.  Does that scare you?  It scares the Sht out of me, and I've been trying to recovery for two years.



IMHO, you will cause less damage to yourself if you pay a prostitute for the weekend rather than your plan.  Life's suffering has the potential for almost no bounds, where finally death comes as a gift.  I'll keep you in my thoughts.  

[buddy1226]

Wow... That's good recovery tausk... . I'd be lying if I said I haven't done some underhanded sht for revenge. It backfires. We reap what we sow.

It's hard. What happened to most of us is unfathomable. I want to see her suffer like I have. My friends even do. It was that bad. I hope I get there too. To stay on thread here I have to admit that I have moments (very fleeting) where I feel sorry for her. She does have a disorder that she didn't ask for. It did come from abuse and she wants love and can't do it. These feelings make me want to reach out to her. I then have to remember how she treated me. Like garbage. It's hard for me to reconcile these feelings. that's why I'm here.

[Tausk]

Wow... That's good recovery tausk... . I'd be lying if I said I haven't done some underhanded sht for revenge. It backfires. We reap what we sow.

It's hard. What happened to most of us is unfathomable. I want to see her suffer like I have. My friends even do. It was that bad. I hope I get there too. To stay on thread here I have to admit that I have moments (very fleeting) where I feel sorry for her. She does have a disorder that she didn't ask for. It did come from abuse and she wants love and can't do it. These feelings make me want to reach out to her. I then have to remember how she treated me. Like garbage. It's hard for me to reconcile these feelings. that's why I'm here.

Yeah, it's hard and we all do things that we aren't proud of.  I took a really pretty date to place where I thought she and her cheating husband might be    But it's just as important to forgive ourselves and to try and do the right thing.

And if nothing try and "do no harm."

Buddy:  You sound really good.  Remember there are many ups and downs, but it's the progress that counts, and I'd bet the equity in my house that you'll make it.

[hypokondri]

"she has no intergrity?"  What about you?   

I'll keep you in my thoughts. 

I dont have any intergrity at all anymore, i dont blame my BPDexGF,

i kind of like the decensy and decay/destruction of it all,

here in our purgatory

About my BPDexGF:

I am bewitched, cursed and condemned to always love her somehow,

she destroys but her creativity is so damn beautiful, devastating,

her mindset, her contempt, her emotional storms of hatred and curses,

I never feel safe, her insecurity, her betrayal, her way of moving, everything she is, the manipulation and threats, never knowing when or how and never be able to trust her. One minute in hell and the other in paradise lost, Hated and loved by turns, not a quiet second.

I had no chance, it is obvious that I will always love her someway...

I saw right through her ​​game with all the beautiful dirt but one day I realized that I will always be there for her when she falls , when I fall .

But not in this way anymore!

I do not need your understanding and I will always be happy for every second I had with my ex, even the worst and most disgusting moments.

I do not care about what she does to me or herself, but I know that none of us would survive together anymore as a couple.

As it is today , I get every other text with hate and the other with love.

I love them all but I dont care anymore.

I 'm not looking for revenge, why should I?

I loved my ex but know I know we are over.

I will not use her friend, she will not use me,

we use each other to feel , all the dirt we both lack.

Unfortunate she´s my exGF friend but she is also so freaking beautiful and lethal. Her eyes , guilt and shame.

I do not really like what you say about BPD , they are not destroyed or damaged people, just very scared and insecure (disorder) but yet they are talented as hell to get what they want and the sex is insane!

Try to see them as they sometimes are: posessed with demons who takes over their minds, it becomes a lot easier to handle.

I will always see beyond my ex armour or maybe I didnt ?

Maybe Im beyond repair as you say but I realized that I am not angry or sad and I also looking foward the weekend... .

and I really dont know what my BPDexGF will feel when I´ve dated her friend

[Tausk]

"she has no intergrity?"  What about you?  

I'll keep you in my thoughts.  

I dont have any intergrity at all anymore, i dont blame my BPDexGF,

i kind of like the decensy and decay/destruction of it all,

here in our purgatory

About my BPDexGF:

I am bewitched, cursed and condemned to always love her somehow,

she destroys but her creativity is so damn beautiful, devastating,

her mindset, her contempt, her emotional storms of hatred and curses,

I never feel safe, her insecurity, her betrayal, her way of moving, everything she is, the manipulation and threats, never knowing when or how and never be able to trust her. One minute in hell and the other in paradise lost, Hated and loved by turns, not a quiet second.

I had no chance, it is obvious that I will always love her someway...

I saw right through her ​​game with all the beautiful dirt but one day I realized that I will always be there for her when she falls , when I fall .

But not in this way anymore!

I do not need your understanding and I will always be happy for every second I had with my ex, even the worst and most disgusting moments.

I do not care about what she does to me or herself, but I know that none of us would survive together anymore as a couple.

As it is today , I get every other text with hate and the other with love.

I love them all but I dont care anymore.

I 'm not looking for revenge, why should I?

I loved my ex but know I know we are over.

I will not use her friend, she will not use me,

we use each other to feel , all the dirt we both lack.

Unfortunate she´s my exGF friend but she is also so freaking beautiful and lethal. Her eyes , guilt and shame.

I do not really like what you say about BPD , they are not destroyed or damaged people, just very scared and insecure (disorder) but yet they are talented as hell to get what they want and the sex is insane!

Try to see them as they sometimes are: posessed with demons who takes over their minds, it becomes a lot easier to handle.

I will always see beyond my ex armour or maybe I didnt ?

Maybe Im beyond repair as you say but I realized that I am not angry or sad and I also looking foward the weekend... .

and I really dont know what my BPDexGF will feel when I´ve dated her friend

Good luck.  We all have to make our own choices.  I've made some suggestions, but I don't know what is best for you.

I post the board to:

     Share feelings and experiences that only other people on the board understand.  

     Have my feelings and experiences validated.  

     Learn about the Disorder.  

     Break the Trauma Bond

     Find the strength to look at my childhood

     Understand myself.

     Learn how to recover.  

You're new to the Board.  Can I ask you why are posting on the Board?

Can you tell us about your relationship?  In mine, besides for the gaslighting, lies... . What has hurt the most is the when we split, my ex has already cultivated a back-up who she moved in with the next weekend and married soon after.  

All the while when I was trying to figure things out, giving everything of myself, ignoring my friends, family, and career, she was working the back door exit strategy, including having her first date with her new husband at my house on a day when I was as work.  They grabbed the canoe for a date, and then he helped her move stuff out of the house... . This was a year and a half before the actual break up.  And this was only one of a least three other men with whom she triangulated me.

So now, she has painted me black with horrible accusations, filing police reports (they wouldn't give her an RO), smear campaign to our friends, she's forgotten me and won't even talk (which is a blessing), and jumped into bed with another man who she lured into marriage.  She lived a hundred miles away, but she's now been living a mile away and never told me.

And I still hurt.  I still bargain in my head with her.  I still live in limerence that one day she'll come around and change.  Or that she'll give me an apology. When we were together, even when I knew that she was being delusional I never won an argument.  Never made her see any of her responsibility.  And never was able to see my contribution to the destruction.

It was false pride and arrogance on my part.  My false ego wouldn't accept that I was just a responsible for being in a f'ked up situation. And yes, I was locked into the Disorder in part by the "insane pornstar" sex.  That's why pwBPD make the best prostitutes and porn stars.  Because they feel so much in the moment, they allow themselves to be subsumed by offering, they just shove the shame done deeper, then forget, and the next time it's new again for he moment... . until it all falls apart.

But sex with a damaged person is destructive for emotionally-balanced people.  How good would sex be if the partner was really hot, sexy, submissive, and had Down's syndrome or Autism?    Emotionally balanced people don't use sex as a conduit for shame, but a vehicle for sharing. That's what I've been learning.    

The best way is to learn about oneself for now is to share.   Share and share and share and share again.  See a Therapist.  Work out until you drop.   Be Safe, and Do No harm.

I hope you'll keep us updated.

In support,

T

[love4meNOTu]

tausk

I could feel your pain leaping off the screen.

I am so very sorry that happened to you.  

Just when I think I understand this disorder I am completely shocked. Again and again I have to learn of this cruelty. To keep it fresh in my mind that I don't want any part of that hell. Ever again.

I don't care how sorry I may feel for him some days, he does not return the sentiment. And you and I both know that. So I would ask that you keep your kindness for yourself. Because as far as I can see, you are the one that deserves it.

I know that you feel empathy for her because she can't. I'm sorry but she does not deserve it.

L

[mgl210]

At least now I sorta somewhat understand why my ex unblocks me on fb from time to time to see what my dating status is... ... .

I wonder the same thing ... what would my ex do if she found out I have a new rs on the horizon... . HMMM


MGL