How to feel secure again when they leave, then come back?

[ohmetalheart]

Hello everyone. This is my first post to the "staying" board. I detailed the whole situation with my bipolar/BPD boyfriend in my first New Members post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=102476.0

After an entire week of his explosions and nonsense, I feel drained and wilted. I don't know if you've ever seen The Dark Crystal, but I feel exactly like those drained little Podlings after the Skeksis sucked out their essence. Anyways, after weathering the storm, not sleeping or eating for a week, and crying so much I dehydrated myself, BPDbf has decided there might be a problem and has agreed to go to for an evaluation. This is after he broke up with me for the first time ever in our 4 year relationship which totally devastated me. When he agreed to go for an evaluation, apparently that voided the break-up and he acts now like it never happened.

I am dedicated to staying and walking him through therapy, but I can't shake the resentment I feel over him breaking things off and don't feel like I can be as comfortable with him or feel as safe since after so much idealizing on his part and swearing he would never, could never leave me, the sudden devaluation and cutting off has been confusing and hurtful to say the least. And now I feel like I have to go along with this charade like nothing ever happened and things are the same in order to appease him long enough to get him in for evaluation. How have others dealt with that? How do you act when they come back? Do you ever feel secure again or do you eventually steel yourself and distance yourself enough that you will be able to handle it when it happens again without getting hurt?

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[Steph]

 Hi,

  This is a really, really tough thing... and so common with this mental illness.

The first thing I am going to ask you is this: What do you need to feel better? What can YOU do to help yourself feel better?

You had a pretty extreme reaction to the break-up. Has anything like this ever happened before?

   To me, the first thing that jumps out is that you are letting him call the shots after he hurt you terribly. That is not the way to be healthy.

YOU need to be calling the shots for yourself and not going along with his desires. YOU need to be putting yourself first in this situation instead of letting the symptoms of his mental illness control and dictate your life.

How were the 4 yrs previously to this? Is he in therapy? Are you?


Steph

[Idle M]

I've gone through numerous break ups with my b/f in the last two years, so I do understand how devastating it is.  He would get scared every time we would get too close and out of the blue, he'd leave and I wouldn't hear from him for days, sometimes longer.  Since June we started seeing each other again after being apart for 5 months.  Things have been much better.  I still have that fear that he'll break things off again and leave, but I know now that he'll come back.  He goes through moods where he needs time by himself and he doesn't want to subject me to them.  But the difference is now he will contact me often when he's gone just to tell me what he's doing or ask how I am.  I've been learning to let him do what he needs to do during those times and not take it personally because it's not about me.

In the last few weeks since we've discovered that he has BPD, he's been more open about what is going on with him when these bad moods hit him.  He's not ready to get help for it, but he has gone online himself and taken self tests and read more about it.  He's known for a long time that he had a problem, but he never knew what it was before this. The more I read and learn about BPD, the better I am to handle it. 

I hope that things go better for both of you.

[united for now]

While I know how painful it is to be where you are at - it is very important that you not get lost in trying to "save" or "rescue" him x

Loving someone who suffers from a severe mental illness means that we - the non's - need to put our own oxygen masks on before we attempt to help our loved ones.

We need to stop dancing to their dysfunctional steps and stop allowing them to abuse us in the name of love.

Change is possible, but it begins with YOU my dear... .nothing changes without changes... .

[ohmetalheart]

Steph- In order to keep my sanity and feel better I've had a great support system of a couple close friends and family members who know about the situation who are always there when I need to vent or cry or just need support. I have been making myself get out, be active, exercise, hang out with friends so that this does not become the center of my universe.

It was an extreme reaction. I have depression and anxiety but have been medicated for about two years and it has helped enormously, but I still freak out when there's a big crisis and have to pop Ativan to calm down. There have been several other episodes like this one, but not lasting as long (a day or two as opposed to an entire week) and never did the possibility of breaking up arise, which is why I freaked out this week. He just kept putting it out there and I said I didn't want to and that it seemed like he did since he kept bringing it up.

It may sound like he is calling the shots, but before he broke up with me he tried some "compromising" like "Well I think we can stay together and work things out if I just keep my personal life and problems away from you and never talk to you about them." I said no, I wouldn't be shut out of his life, that is not a relationship in my book. I think he was surprised that I wouldn't agree to do absolutely anything to stay with him. That's when he got angry and broke things off. I didn't beg him to stay. I said "Ok. All right, Eric. Okay. Fine." to everything he regarding picking his stuff up and leaving. Also, I was the one who talked him into going in for a psychiatric evaluation and convinced him he has a problem. So I feel like I have some control in the situation, I just have residual anger now that he changed his mind about breaking up and is acting like nothing ever happened and I should have no reason to be upset at him. It's like, seriously? You have no idea what you put me through? But the fight/break-up is so fresh I am hesitant to push at the wound and say, "Hey, you really hurt me. Do you even care? You never thought to apologize? How am I supposed to go on like before when you just tossed me aside like that?" because he would just say I should be apologizing to HIM about something which I wouldn't agree with and we'd end up fighting again and maybe break up for good and then I would never have a chance to go with him to therapy and see what difference the meds can make. Oh, and if he moves out right now I won't be able to afford rent and will get evicted.

The past four years have been great for the most part. He goes into these rages and loses all reason about 5% of the time. So one day out of every 20, or two days in a row out of every 40... .he is not in therapy. He has no insurance and doesn't qualify for Medicare or Social Security or anything. I am medicated but not in therapy because even though I have insurance, my copays for my medications and visits to my shrink for prescription evaluation/reassessment are over $100 a month, and I just don't have the money for extra co-pays for therapy for myself. Even though God knows I need it.

[an0ught]

You are have an admirable will, are wiling to suffer a lot and you have shown great strengths, mobilized resources around you to support you and put up a good fight.

This does not matter - in fact it makes it worse as long as you follow your instincts and tackle problems head on. Dealing with BPD partner is a lot less about dealing with BPD but more about taking care of yourself and less about fighting strength but fighting technique and less about problems and more about feelings.

The relationship does not sound healthy for you. 2 years into the 4 year relationship you start popping anti-depressants and what is even more worrying you use them as a tool to deal with his anger burst. He rages - you take the pills.

Break-up as ultima ratio to get out of a situation that is beyond them is a rational response - going to therapie is an equally rational response. He sees you suffering - can't help you - does contribute to it - is not allowed to protect you in the only way he knows (bottling things up) - is afraid to be abandomed by you - a rational measured response is hard to find for someone who prefers b/w - besides the situation calls for an effective and possible extreme meassure. In some sense he is acting resposible and adult whilest you cling (wanting a very close relationship).

As he seems to be willing to go to a psychatric evaluation - get one to one time with the doctor and tell him about BPD concern and offer time or if not at all possible written input to help him with his diagnosis. Your BPDbf won't have many chances to get a well founded BPD diagnosis delivered by a professional in his life and you may want want to spend some time and money on it. You also should spend some time doing research on the doctor beforehand. (I went late to your first posts - wow - you are already thinking about all this - then maybe I should say congratulations and please stay course!)

Steph is right - you are in serious need of therapy - taking pills long term as a substitute for change is no good. My personal view (warning: very narrow based on a 1 person sample and a slightly different medication)  is that anything that desensitizes me to my wifes mood made our communication worse. Discuss the regime you are under with a professional with an eye to get off it at some time. Depression is a serious condition but it is now 2 years and you need to work on the causes and they seem chronic. Besides BPD (which is the major factor here - there is a study out there which found that BPD is the worst mental problem for a partner) have you looked at hormons (change of birth control regime in particular change to a more progestogen based methods) or nutrition (digestive problems with carbohydrates lactose or fuctose - increase of sugar intake)?

Your trust in him has been shattered and your instinct says rebuilding and your focus is on your relationship. Don't - focus on getting your old pre-relationship self back again. Accept that your relationship going forward will need to be different and some form of closeness is destructive and off-limits. Then worry about changing your reaction to his behavior and only then worry about him.

You seem to be on a very good track but you got there by force and you are now exhausted and the train is going to derail if you don't take care of yourself. In order to keep him you need to let go of some stuff in order to love him you need to    yourself first. All the best and welcome on the staying board x

[an0ught]

Do you ever feel secure again or do you eventually steel yourself and distance yourself enough that you will be able to handle it when it happens again without getting hurt?

Steeling yourself - again logic, force and sheer willpower - you need to work on feelings and acceptance. Also defensive distancing and protecting yourself is going to be perceived as either threatening or abandoning. Planning for the end is no way to plan for the future.

Break-up hurts and a BPD break-up hurts a lot more and there is no way to protect yourself against it. A way to lesson any blow is to disengage from the BPD dance and get to a as normal as possible relationship. And keep it that way even if things get rocky. So this is about planing and protecting yourself from BPD during the relationship to have a better relationship - not about being protected against something you can't protect against (besides all the steps you should take once separating from a BPD).

Feel secure - odd concept considering the number of divorces? Actually there is a study that shows that BPDs are less likely to marry but also less likely to divorce. Security is really an illusion but a convenient one that works for many. It survives most break-ups (otherwise it would not exist in adult age) but BPD ones are different. Sadly when destroyed it is hard to rebuild. You need to overcome that by finding a different sense of security that lies in yourself.

Good question, would like to hear other views as well  ?

[Auspicious]

How have others dealt with that? How do you act when they come back? Do you ever feel secure again or do you eventually steel yourself and distance yourself enough that you will be able to handle it when it happens again without getting hurt?

Security ... .hmm. 

My wife took off (saying she needed to spend a weekend in a hotel alone to "get away from all the stress", took an overdose of prescription drugs, wouldn't talk to me at all from the (court ordered) mental hospital, suddenly started communicating with me from a "less restrictive" environment that I later found out was a women's shelter, casually asked me to scan and email her some documents which I quickly figured out were for filing for divorce, admitted she definitely wanted a divorce, called me crying saying she couldn't possibly make such a decision at such a time, then turned around and filled out the paperwork the next day, was then shocked that I filed first - how could I, she wasn't really sure she wanted to divorce yet ... .just on and on and on. Went on for a few months, then she calmed down and wanted to come home.

So, believe me, I hear your question ... .how do you feel "secure"?

I don't feel secure that she won't go off the rails again - why would I?

But I do feel secure that I now have the tools to live a sane life, no matter what she does. I now have an identity that overlaps with her, but isn't so fully enmeshed with her. I now know how to listen without rushing to fix, how to not enable and let her fall sometimes. How to be comfortable in my own skin, how not to fear being alone.

It's a different kind of security, but it's real, and it feels good

[Vanityvanity]

I was amazed when he came back. But tonight (and this may change) I feel like I can't stand it any more. I don't want to see him or talk to him again. The hurt was so deep. He didn't sleep with anyone in those two months he was gone, and he seems to think that that makes it OK somehow. No. Nothing makes this OK. I am sick of thinking about it. I feel furious and exhausted.