I'm concerned by recent behaviors

[Theo41]

My uBPDw has gotten better around me but worse with respect to day to day bumps in the road and has become terribly intolerant of her friends shortcomings.

Valentines Day:

1. Snow and ice shut the city down. No paper delivery (the paper has also be late several times recently). She's fit to be tied. Goes on and on. Eventually says "I'm going to write the paper I want to PUNISH that delivery guy,I'm so angry.

2. Girlfriend sent her an e-card which she struggled to open and ultimately gave up. She sent an e mail to the friend "thanks a lot!" She now won't answer calls from the friend and says "I hate her. Did she do that to me because she couldn't part with the cost of a stamp? I never want to talk to her again ( has been a friend for 30 years and currently experiencing financial hardship).

3. Girlfriend 2 was coming to pick us up to go to movies and dinner (also on valentines day), she's always late or changing plans and,of course my wife being uBPD can't stand that. Friend calls and says she's running 15 minutes late. My w, despite the fact that she anticipated this and set the time to come15 minutes early, gets white hot mad and says: " I don't know if I can be civil to her." One time about a year ago, she did loose it with this friend. Believe it or not we still had a good valentines the rest of the day.

I have been concerned for a couple of years that she is alienating herself from most of her closest friends. Now that I'm experiencing how extremely angry she has become over little things ,it's beginning to scare me. Any thoughts advise would be appreciated. THEO

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[an0ught]

Hi Theo41,

can't do much except for emotional regulation first-aid:

- avoid invalidation

- validate

- boundaries & leave space

Too much time devoted to self destruction is not so healthy. Any chance to get her busy with something that does not involve you and she likes enough to get started and provides basic validation/satisfaction?

[elemental]

She sounds like she experiences a lot of frustration with things she can't control.

Immediate circumstance frustration.

She is better with you. Follow that positive build up and trust she has with you. Validate her feelings about things she cannot control. It IS frustrating to have a routine and then for BPD especially to have things go wrong and it can't be controlled. They find it anxiety/fear provoking. The more you invalidate, the worst she will feel and the more frustration build up.

Why is this scaring you?

[Theo41]

Thanks all for the great feedback. I have been invalidating. Need to do more validation. "I know it s frustrating when you can't get ur paper" instead of "Have some understanding. The whole city is literally shut down because of the snow and ice storm,"

Why am I afraid? Counselors have asked me "are you worried for your safety." I've always said "No." But the fear feeling came over me this last week. It was a feeling not a thought. But it was as though I had the thought: If she can get so terribly angry at good friends over such minor things, could she get violent with me at some point for something more substantive real or imagined?" Theo

[Theo41]

Addendum: does anyone have any information on the propensity for physical violence in BPDs. ? THEO

[an0ught]

Hi Theo41,

Addendum: does anyone have any information on the propensity for physical violence in BPDs. ? THEO

check out the link "Safety First" on the right column. If you are afraid - put together an escape plan and related means for your peace of mind. You are not likely to need it but if you need it is ready.

Often physical violence is an escalation from other forms of aggressive behavior. Consistent boundaries go a long, long way to avoid getting to that level.

[elemental]

If she hasn't been getting physical... . breaking things, getting in your face, acting intimidating, making threats, then I am not sure you have a problem. As for her friends, it's her problem to keep them or not.

I totally agree that it's best not to allow it to get to the point of that kind of escalation. Likely validation of her feelings will not only keep things on track with you two, but also train her outward towards friends, and so on.

[Theo41]

Wow. THANKS so much for your advise and words of encouragement. I have been drastically underutilizing validation, only using it when she begins to escalate. My natural tendency is to not want to validate inappropriate anger towards friends believing consciously and subconsciously that it will validate what she is saying and encourage her to carry on. She picks this up and complains " why does this behavior of Sue's not annoy you? Are you trying to react 180 from me? It feels like that. And the message to me is my feelings and reaction are not appropriate ." Actually , I use that same word a lot when I'm angry to describe her behavior. So, I need to practice validating her feelings. I need to comfort her by letting her hear that I understand that when Sue consistently shows up late and or changes the plan that I can understand why that would be upsetting. I'll work on that.Thanks also for the safety advise. Theo

[zaqsert]

That's good stuff to work on.  And while you work on it, remember that it is entirely ok for you to keep your own truth.

She picks this up and complains " why does this behavior of Sue's not annoy you? Are you trying to react 180 from me? It feels like that. And the message to me is my feelings and reaction are not appropriate ."

Even with validation, this may come up.  But with validation hopefully she will feel less and less like you are telling her that her feelings are inappropriate.

With my uBPDw I have found that if I validate (or use the Support and Empathy of SET) and then state my Truth as if it's not a big deal at all, then it tends to defuse what used to be escalations.  She will still often push back with something like "Really, it doesn't bother you that Sue did XYZ?"  And I just reply with a simple, unemotional "No, it doesn't."  And then I let it go.  If I were to explain why it doesn't bother me then I would be going into JADEing, which is not good and probably wipes out any validation that I may have done seconds earlier.

[Theo41]

Thanks Zasqert. Very helpful.