My Update On The Departed uBPDx

[Turkish]

uBPDx gone from my home how for coming up on two weeks. Nice to do what I want. I have had the kids all week, will drop them off in the morning at her mom's and get them back monday again to start the agreed upon schedule. She let me have them all week due to her having them all weekend. Still thanking me almost profusely for taking care of them. Like they are her kids I am watching, if you know what I mean. Odd, but I probably shouldn't put much thought into that and be appreciative she isn's a demonic monster that some spouses here have where kids are involved.

She still has some stuff at my house. Asked me to drop off some books (including one of her journals) at her mom's. I also included the bathroom journal she left conspicuously. I am resisting the urge to make some comments in it. What would that buy me other than not detaching?

I still cycle VERY angry at times in my mind over all of this, like she's getting away scot-free with all of this: a new boy toy, a responsible father so she can be half time parent/half time teenager, a nice chunk of change in CS each month, a super nice taxpayer and Turkish subsidized apartment/condo complex while I'm stuck in the ghettoish part of town. What the hell do I get? Two little angel monsters to raise by myself on my own time. Yes. That.

S4 seems to be taking this in stride. D1 is very clingy to me. Wouldn't watch tv with S4 while I was making dinner. D1 was glued to the patio window while I was in and out bbq-ing. Tried to come out, but I wouldn't let her. Poor little waif!

They've been better getting to bed the last two nights. Though S4 said he wanted to sleep with me again. I asked him to stay until D1 started snoring and then he could climb into my bed. 15 mins later I checked on them and they were both asleep. Got to bed myself about midnight and in a moment of weakness, grabbed S4 and put him into my bed. I wasn't cuddling with him or anything, I just felt better with him there. I could always sleep with them in their room on the extra bunk, but that would be me abandoning my own room. I need to stay there and make it mine. Moving the bed to make it feel like a different room helped.

I have all weekend alone. What to do? Spread out my now half empty closet. Gather stuff to donate for receipts. Yard work is a thing to do, and I find it relaxing. Go for a bike ride? Great opportunity, but I don't feel like that either. Maybe just be a hermit. Still have to gather taxes and organize, too. It's going to be a long process accepting my life now.

She just realized, as I already had, that using her mom's as a drop off/pick up point, we don't have to see each other. I could conceivably not see her in person for weeks or more now, not sure. And no, I don't want to. Honestly, if I never saw or contacted her again, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Still, talking to her for a few minutes about the kids last night when she called to check in with them, I felt strangely soothed. And then was angry at myself for feeling that way. I need to accept what I am feeling is natural, rather than directing anger at myself.

TAFN, kids. Sorry, no real drama at this point, though stay tuned down the road... .

[Dog biscuit]

What the hell do I get? Two little angel monsters to raise by myself on my own time. Yes. That.

Yes that! Being a parent can be truly wonderfull! Plus a chance for a new life. A calmer life. Maybe a more peacefull and happy future? Maybe in time a chance for equal love with someone who will value you for who you are? 


 

I have all weekend alone. What to do?

Play some loud music, dance around the house naked, cook a decent meal, go to see a movie, invite some friends, sleep late, and okay... . do some taxes 

[Turkish]

What the hell do I get? Two little angel monsters to raise by myself on my own time. Yes. That.

Yes that! Being a parent can be truly wonderfull! Plus a chance for a new life. A calmer life. Maybe a more peacefull and happy future? Maybe in time a chance for equal love with someone who will value you for who you are?  

Feeling pretty crappy about myself right now. Not as bad as I was before I shook myself out of that a few years ago, but pretty much like a worthless "failure" (as she put it) right now. Too bad I can't afford to go to my T much more to work that out. He was very good at supporting me throughout this ordeal though. I worked it out myself before, I can do it again, with a few more years' maturity and a lot more experience now behind me.

I have all weekend alone. What to do?

Play some loud music, dance around the house naked, cook a decent meal, go to see a movie, invite some friends, sleep late, and okay... . do some taxes  

I'm always playing loud music. My kids love the metal bands. Movie? Yes, like last weekend, I did, too. I cook decently when the kids are here. By myself, bachelor food. No friends close by. Need to go make some new ones that are local. Can't sleep late. Even staying up until midnight with not quite a few beers in me, I am a dawn bird. Taxes? Blah!

Thanks, DB.

[Waifed]

What the hell do I get? Two little angel monsters to raise by myself on my own time. Yes. That.

Yes that! Being a parent can be truly wonderfull! Plus a chance for a new life. A calmer life. Maybe a more peacefull and happy future? Maybe in time a chance for equal love with someone who will value you for who you are?  

Feeling pretty crappy about myself right now. Not as bad as I was before I shook myself out of that a few years ago, but pretty much like a worthless "failure" (as she put it) right now. Too bad I can't afford to go to my T much more to work that out. He was very good at supporting me throughout this ordeal though. I worked it out myself before, I can do it again, with a few more years' maturity and a lot more experience now behind me.

I have all weekend alone. What to do?

Play some loud music, dance around the house naked, cook a decent meal, go to see a movie, invite some friends, sleep late, and okay... . do some taxes  

I'm always playing loud music. My kids love the metal bands. Movie? Yes, like last weekend, I did, too. I cook decently when the kids are here. By myself, bachelor food. No friends close by. Need to go make some new ones that are local. Can't sleep late. Even staying up until midnight with not quite a few beers in me, I am a dawn bird. Taxes? Blah!

Thanks, DB.

Adjusting to being alone was the hardest thing that I went through.  It took me about 4 months to be good with it.  I started to want to do things and now I stay pretty busy.  It is hard when you are attached to someone so long.  When you add the fact that you were basically their caregiver it leaves a big void in your life when you are alone.  It is one of the pitfalls of being a codependent!  My therapist has urged me to get out of the house from day one but it is pretty pointless until you are ready.  I spent a lot of time reading about codependency and love addiction/love avoidance, two areas I need to get in touch with.  It really is a great time to discover yourself but you have to convince yourself to do it.  It is hard... . Real hard.  Hang in there.  I promise it gets better.  I am living proof!

[Dog biscuit]

Yeah, feeling crappy is crappy. I know what you mean. The feeling of being a failure sucks bigtime too.

Lets talk about failure, and being worthless, shall we?  

You are a responsible -and from what i read on this board about your situation- and caring father. You were/are a caretaker. Your struggling in the midst of an emotional storm where everything is upside down. You hold on as best as you can, you stay grounded as best as you can. You remain sensitive to the needs of your kids, while you are deeply hurt inside.

Wow, how worthless you are!

You like loud music  , you dont like doing taxes   and you cook decent meals for your kids. The only failure I see is that there is no failure.

Feeling wounded and hurt is hard, you are doing the best you can to get trough this.

[Turkish]

Yeah, feeling crappy is crappy. I know what you mean. The feeling of being a failure sucks bigtime too.

Lets talk about failure, and being worthless, shall we?  

You are a responsible -and from what i read on this board about your situation- and caring father. You were/are a caretaker. Your struggling in the midst of an emotional storm where everything is upside down. You hold on as best as you can, you stay grounded as best as you can. You remain sensitive to the needs of your kids, while you are deeply hurt inside.

Wow, how worthless you are!

You like loud music  , you dont like doing taxes   and you cook decent meals for your kids. The only failure I see is that there is no failure.

Feeling wounded and hurt is hard, you are doing the best you can to get trough this.

Thanks DB.  your words are kind... .   and wise.

Waifed, I  am not a homebody.  there's just stuff to do where I need to be.  That stuff,  however,  can wait. I  think I'll go for a long hike in Saturday morning at the newly discovered wilderness park I've been taking the kids to.  maybe take my DSLR  and tripod and snap some nature selfies.  Yes,  that sounds like a  plan.  Thanks for your encouragement.

[janey62]

Hi Turkish,

I'm kind of at a similar place to you, though no kids involved and I was only with him for 18 months, but I've left, moved to another town and am living by myself about two weeks ago.  I feel exhausted, sad and kind of empty.  I'm just here waiting for it to get better.

I started a new job on Monday and really struggled to keep my eyes focussed on people who were talking to me, explaining the ins and outs of the job. 

I'm so passionate about my field of work and this is so exciting where I am now, but I really found it hard this week.  In the moments when no one's looking I just want to stop expressing anything and shut myself off.   

I recognise your mixed feelings too.  I find myself ranting inside about how he has messed my life up and at how I've let him.  I'm far from home, from my life which was going along nicely.  Now it's all changed and I'm lonely and have no way of getting back to where I was.  I miss him too, the good things which were so good, and feel bewildered most of the time.

I'm sick of being brave and mostly curl up with my dogs and avoid the world at the moment - they're my saviours.  I have to feed and walk them and they give me love and company.

Your kids will keep you going, even though at times it will feel like hard work.  You have to grieve in the in between times. 

The point I was getting to, slowly, is that in my humble opinion it's ok for your kids to sleep with you if you want them to, and cuddling them is ok too, good for all of you.  My son slept in my bed from age 3, when I left his father, until he was 7.  I would often put him in his bed once he was asleep, especially of course when I had a partner.  He decided one day not to sleep with me any more and that was that, but up to that point I let him.  He is now a very well adjusted and secure young man of 19 who is confidently making his way in the world.  You've all been through a traumatic time and need the closeness and security.  Do what you want to and what feels right for you... .

Janey xx

[Stjarna]

Agree with everyone else in that failure you are not! I see a lot of strength in your postings.  Just wanted to add that I identify so much with feeling "strangely soothed" after some of the more benign and kind contact I have had with my ex. I beat myself up about it too, as sometimes it leaves me confused about my feelings and desires for what my future holds and if there is any truly healthy way for us to be something akin to friends in the future. Everything I've read suggests not, but I will take your words to heart and try not to struggle so much with myself and just sort of let it be for now.

[Turkish]

 Thanks janey.  he wanted to sleep with me again.  got up and wanted more food at 11 pm  when I  was eating.  we are together,  then he said he wanted to go back to his bed.  after I  got out of the shower,  he said he wanted to sleep with me again.  wanted me to hold him so I did most of the night, which he didnt want the past few nights. I  think he got that I wouldn't be seeing him for a few days.  poor little guy. D1 was ok, but hugged me tightly before I  put her into the car.

it must be really hard for you,  so it's a  good thing you have your puppies to keep you company.  With time it will get better for all of us... .

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Turkish, remember feeling crappy about feeling crappy is like paying taxes on an investment loss. There is a reason you feel that way, and it's not strange or weird, just that it's something for you to work through.

This is a period of transition and change for you. It should be okay to have all different feelings about it. It sounds to me that you're doing a pretty stand up job with everything including taking care of your kids and even taking care of yourself.

Baby steps, no need to make any big drastic changes is there?

[Turkish]

Hey Turkish, remember feeling crappy about feeling crappy is like paying taxes on an investment loss. There is a reason you feel that way, and it's not strange or weird, just that it's something for you to work through.

This is a period of transition and change for you. It should be okay to have all different feelings about it. It sounds to me that you're doing a pretty stand up job with everything including taking care of your kids and even taking care of yourself.

Baby steps, no need to make any big drastic changes is there?

No, not really, LC. S4 even talked about changing his bed around, to mirror his daddy. He suggested it out of the blue. We may do that when he gets back. Other than that, just a whirlwind of cleaning, yardwork and laundry tomorrow after my morning hike.

[Turkish]

Agree with everyone else in that failure you are not! I see a lot of strength in your postings.  Just wanted to add that I identify so much with feeling "strangely soothed" after some of the more benign and kind contact I have had with my ex. I beat myself up about it too, as sometimes it leaves me confused about my feelings and desires for what my future holds and if there is any truly healthy way for us to be something akin to friends in the future. Everything I've read suggests not, but I will take your words to heart and try not to struggle so much with myself and just sort of let it be for now.

Thank you Stjarna!

I think it's ok to feel like that. Our former partners are those with whom we shared a life, no matter how tulmultuous it was at times. It's natural. As for friends... . I think at some point in the future I can be with mine, keeping very clear and solid boundaries. Might take years, though. And that's ok, too. It's ok to decide what is best for us to take care of ourselves in a healthy way.