Sharing with you some personal thoughts

[joshbjoshb]

Yesterday I had a work meeting, not too far from my town. The person I met with was smart but also very nice to me. She seems to be impressed with my qualities as well.

On my way home, my thoughts wandered. Why was it that every time I speak to a female who is treating me with respect, it touches my heart?

I will not be bragging if I say that my family is very smart and creative. We always valued wisdom almost over everything else. Almost all of my siblings found top positions in different areas of their skills. Myself included.

But there was something that always bugged me: my mother's constant criticism of everyone. No one was ever good enough for her - except, of course, her own children which were G-d's gift to humanity. My siblings got the same attitude. At first, I was just the same. But at one point in high school I realized how bad of a trait it is, and I started despising it with all of my heart.

So on top of me learning to accept and appreciate everyone, I also decided that when looking for a mate, I won't be looking for someone smart. In my head, smart equals judgement.  Instead, I will look for someone loving, warm, simple who knows how to enjoy life and doesn't go around criticize everyone.

I found my wife. Short dating period and we were married. Not that if it would have been longer, I would have the slightest clue to look or think of BPD. Why should I even be aware that such a disorder exist? Marriage, fast forward a very short time later... . and rages, name calling, almost it seems the better I do, the worse she wants to make me feel. As if she says "if I am not happy, I will make sure that you are miserable too!". And yes, she isn't the intellectual type.

Or maybe she might be. I don't have the chance to find out because most of the times she is either distracted 2 seconds into our conversation, or simply too upset about something to have any conversation.

Very few compliments. Yes, when she is in a good mood she will show my affection, but most time it would be what I call childish affection. No real words, no true appreciation to what I do or whom I am, but some silly words that can make at time no sense.

Just like she does with our children. When I came home, she was in a good mood (I always have that knot in my stomach when coming in... . ), but she is saying all of those silly things to them, laughs and makes faces. Yes, every mother should be silly with her children, but when the only positive interaction is silly, and the rest is angry/use-rejection-language, that's a bit too much.

And again, it hit me once more in full force: being married to a BPD is very lonely.

The nagging thoughts are: would I have known how to be married to a strong woman? I surely hope so, but I simply don't know. Maybe I am too weak myself, scared of true, real challenge and is happy with a wife that has a disorder. It gives me a constant advantage: even if I don't do anything, I am still better.

Maybe not.

I don't plan on finding out the answer. I pray to g-d to give me to courage to stay, and to send some sore of self awareness to my wife. Meanwhile, I stay. If not for my commitment, for my children. I will continue to provide them with as much emotional support as I can.

Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hello joshbjoshb,

The nagging thoughts are: would I have known how to be married to a strong woman? I surely hope so, but I simply don't know. Maybe I am too weak myself, scared of true, real challenge and is happy with a wife that has a disorder. It gives me a constant advantage: even if I don't do anything, I am still better.

Maybe you were, maybe you were not. Our FOO has quite some influence on how we set ourselves up. Our sense of self worth and strength affects us in ways we may not be fully aware. Check out the personal inventory board if you want to go down that road further.

Still I would suppose that "too weak for a real challenge" is not doing justice to the work you are doing here. Being able to set boundaries in light of an adult person who is dysregulating is being very, very strong. Needs more spine than handling a strong person who behaves within normal parameters. You may still feel weak but over time your self confidence will recover.

You may or may not have been weak in the past but you will definitely not be weak in the future  

[cullerconcerned]

joshbjoshb, thank you so much for sharing. Like so many posts I read on this site, your experiences ring true to my own. It warms my heart that you are staying in the relationship. It also gives me hope, as I've chosen the same path. I do believe that your children not only need your protection, but also your direction ... . I believe that dysregulated (sp?) behavior can be learned. The loneliness is tough. I hope that you are able to interact with peers both socially and professionally. This helps. Try not to become isolated, which can easily happen if you work remotely from home, or in an office without much interpersonal interaction. We still need the validation that comes from others appreciating us just on a human level. If our only exposure is to our pwBPD (did i get that right?), then it will surely erode away our character and feeling of self worth. It happened to me. It is a tough cookie... . a bitter pill. I hope you are researching and finding effective ways to communicate/interact with your spouse. The smarter and more disciplined I become in my approach to my situation (boundaries, being mindful to discuss things from the perspective of emotional responses, being non-judgmental, etc), the better my quality of life. I hope you are experiencing that too. Once again, thanks for sharing. It gives us strength to know we're not alone, and hope there is a chance we can improve our lives.

[elemental]

It's been said that often it's not the acts of cruelty that break us, but it is the act of kindness.

We get isolated in these relationships, self protective, expecting the meaness.

Then out in the average world, someone talks kindly, respectfully. And then you realize how starved you are for it.

A strong woman who was emotionally healthy, would treat you with respect, kindness, love. Just like any woman who is emotionally healthy.

You only know what you know... when you know it. Obscure or as wierd as that sounds.

[joshbjoshb]

Thank you for your kind words.

joshbjoshb, thank you so much for sharing. Like so many posts I read on this site, your experiences ring true to my own. It warms my heart that you are staying in the relationship. It also gives me hope, as I've chosen the same path. I do believe that your children not only need your protection, but also your direction ... . I believe that dysregulated (sp?) behavior can be learned. The loneliness is tough. I hope that you are able to interact with peers both socially and professionally. This helps. Try not to become isolated, which can easily happen if you work remotely from home, or in an office without much interpersonal interaction. We still need the validation that comes from others appreciating us just on a human level. If our only exposure is to our pwBPD (did i get that right?), then it will surely erode away our character and feeling of self worth. It happened to me. It is a tough cookie... . a bitter pill. I hope you are researching and finding effective ways to communicate/interact with your spouse. The smarter and more disciplined I become in my approach to my situation (boundaries, being mindful to discuss things from the perspective of emotional responses, being non-judgmental, etc), the better my quality of life. I hope you are experiencing that too. Once again, thanks for sharing. It gives us strength to know we're not alone, and hope there is a chance we can improve our lives.

[joshbjoshb]

When you say "break us" you mean the spouses with BPD?

And I am not sure I got your last sentence...

It's been said that often it's not the acts of cruelty that break us, but it is the act of kindness.

We get isolated in these relationships, self protective, expecting the meaness.

Then out in the average world, someone talks kindly, respectfully. And then you realize how starved you are for it.

A strong woman who was emotionally healthy, would treat you with respect, kindness, love. Just like any woman who is emotionally healthy.

You only know what you know... when you know it. Obscure or as wierd as that sounds.

[elemental]

I mean anyone who tries to be strong who is normally faced with a difficult situation where they take care of other people, etc.  You stay strong because you feel there is no choice so you can keep on in life. Then someone offers some kindness and suddenly you see how hard it's all been. Then you feel sad or melancholy, or really feel like you were dealt some bad things.

Last sentence, I mean, you only know what you know until you learn otherwise. You said something to the effect, if only you had known.

[tomo]

WOW, what an incredible thread going on here! 

Zencat, those acts of kindness often do take their toll on me by raising expectations and hopes for normalcy... . but things--unfortunately--quickly revert back to dysfunction. 

I too have chosen to stay with my uBPDw; mostly for the sake of the kids, or so I tell myself.  But I often wonder if divorce would offer the kids a better option, at least part of the time when they could be away from their mother's strange behaviors. As Joshbjioshb said, dysregulated behavior can be learned and I do see a bit of it in the kids. 

[joshbjoshb]

tomo,

First, it's always good to see others in your situation. I don't mean to enjoy you suffering, but I find that finding more people with BPD spouses - especially husbands - is really helpful.

So happy to see you and sorry that you - and I - are here

Regarding kids, I do believe that with you being around them 100% of the time, you have a major impact. They see an healthy parent 100% of the time. That is, of course, if you make sure not to let the disorder drag you and put you in a rot yourself.

And from witnessing many children of divorced families, I do believe that while it has become the norm today, it has major negative impact on the children. In fact it is my belief that children of a divorced marriage will most likely get divorced myself - in other words, will struggle with building and maintaining a relationship.

[Perez]

Thanks for a beautiful thread.  It touches on  two powerful points.  That bittersweet feeling when you meet someone who treats you with respect and empathy, and then compare that experience to your daily experience at home with your uBPDw. 

Then the back and forth as to what is better for the kids.  Do you stay with your wife  and protect the kids as best you can, or do you leave and give them a clear signal that the BPD behavior is wrong and that the family dynamics are not normal or healthy.

I too am staying now for the kids, it really helps to share our burdens.

[empathic]

Very well written. I agree, it can be very lonely living with someone with BPD. I find myself living inside my head more often these days. Often it feels like spending vast amounts of energy trying to solve an impossible problem. Energy that could be spent in more productive ways.

Recognize a lot in your story, was also looking for a positive person that didn't critizise people... . after a few years it was clear I got the opposite.

I can also think a lot of, "what if... . "s, especially when comparing my marriage to that of other couples. Women who are strong, independent. It's not that I desire other women, if we were to separate I'd definitely spend a long time single before even considering anything else.