monkeyman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 18
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« on: February 21, 2014, 12:05:04 PM » |
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I found this site by accident. Many of the posts resonated with me, and after researching BPD I became pretty convinced that much of my confusion with my ex and the way things happened would be very well explained by BPD.
I know I certainly had my issues, and they certainly played their part in the break up.
I honestly have no idea when the relationship ended because I was strung along for a month. I broke up with her around 11/22, but somehow it turned into me being surprise ditched for another man at 11:50pm on New Year's Eve just before midnight (the last time I ever saw her). I really should have immediately gone no contact.
She strung me along, didn't meet me for xmas, and pretended that she had something coming for me in the mail. I really believed her too because three months before she was telling me she wanted to have my baby, and we were trying to decide where to move to. (As soon as I started saying I was worried about getting stuck in a career I didn't like though, she canceled these plans for the future, and really at this point began distancing herself from me emotionally and physically.)
I have been no contact with her for a little over a month: blocked number, texts, and emails.
She lied to me so much in December (while asking for space) that I have no idea when, but she almost immediately began a new relationship with a server from her work, first as friends with benefits.
The thing is I start to wonder if I might have mild NBP. I know I must have been rude at times, because she really kept pushing me away, and she never wanted to have sex (after a period of many months where we had sex once or twice daily to twice a month). She never wanted to compromise. As a matter of fact, when we got together she really only wanted to watch television with me for a couple hours.
But I never really trusted her. She told me that when we first met she wanted me "to please read | her right there in the library." And I couldn't stand the way she looked at some men. When I would question her about it, she told me she didn't fantasize sexually about men like boys do when she looked at them. And I used to get severe anxiety for the 4 years before the relationship and during it (ironically it has recently stopped.)
I found all these random sext conversations she sent on her skype on her computer from within the year before we met. I found she was sending photos of herself to some guy from in my bedroom wearing my eyeglasses. She would constantly look through my computer, and then check the Craiglist personals as if I would ever have a desire to post there. (I know this was a stupid decision but we agreed early on to let each other look through our phones and computers.) I had very little to hide. I occasionally had looked at porn, felt guilty, and actually managed to cut down over time, and eventually stop. Eventually she kept her phone downstairs, and would not let me look though it, and she would tell me that she trusted me. She would regularly delete texts from certain people.
Her best friend was an overly possessive, very self-absorbed Lesbian who she had had sex with in the past, and I would get so uncomfortable because when they hung out because suddenly my ex would act like her girlfriend. I really didn't want them to hang out, and again this was me not trusting her, but they never both hung out with me. And when the three of us were at parties my ex would walk around under the arm of her best friend as though they were dating. I found this very odd.
My ex would also occasionally text her ex boyfriend that used to beat her, but also delete who knows how many of them.
I'm just so tired of trying to remember and figure this stuff out. It makes my head spin. I know she is on Craiglist with her new boyfriend chasing threesomes. I know she pursues drugs and alcohol "to chase away the emptiness inside." When I would try to talk to her, she was polite and did not curse, but she was still demeaning and used an aggressive tone, while letting me know that she had forgiven me for all the things I did (half of which were complete distortions of conversations that we had.)
My life was so please read |ty and unstable that I don't know if I was as rude as she says I was to her. I know she meant the world to me. And the entire month of December she chastised me for not giving her space in the past. The most I can say of the whole experience is that I prayed and meditated through the whole thing, and came to trust her fully, some days before new years. I have been so completely confused for this last couple months, but I have continued to try to grow from this experience. To be honest, I was completely depressed and filled with anxiety, and by using these horrible months to grow, I feel as complete as I did during the four month high of the relationship. I just wanna make sure I don't repeat any big mistakes if I made any, cause this was only my second relationship, and really the first one that was even intimate.
As of seeing those Craiglist ads and my ex's tumblr blog, I have become very worried for her safety, and so I let her family know that I would help them in any way if they thought I could. (for my part though, I would like to remain on no contact indefinitely and definitely want never to be in a relationship with her again).
All of this though, and I was the one who immediately opened up to her upon meeting her, and made myself entirely vulnerable. I was the one who told her I loved her after we had sex just a week after meeting. And I was the one who kept saying I was going to be leaving in January, but then ended up staying upon finding that I had not really given her space, that I had found it in a profound sort of way, and now I am the one getting ready to move again to pursue a stable profession or perhaps a graduate degree.
So I know we both remember things differently, and I know we both had some issues. Part of me really wanted to blame her for everything going south for the last month. But looking around on this forum, and thinking back on how she acted, I'm really just worried that she will become self destructive if my side of the story is correct and she feels guilty. Then I'm worried also that I may cause a similar disaster for someone else if I enter a relationship again.
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