Ugh a test

[Allmessedup]

Not by her... but by her son.  He is away at college and wants to chat.  Sigh.

I love him and we are close... . but today has not been the best day for me as I have been triggered by simple memories of her all day as well as a dream of her last night.

I do not mind talking to him.  I haven't chatted with him since the break up.  But I am worried about how it will affect me.  I also do not want to be pumped for information.  He is a great kid.  But he always tries to play peacemaker and wants nothing more than for me to be in his moms life again.  Perhaps I am being paranoid... . But I woul not put it past her either to find out info thru her son since I have blocked her.   Hell it's going to be hard for me not to ask about her!  But I have no need to know... .

Sigh.  It will be a test of my newfound boundaries and I am way shaky on them today ;(

[Tausk]

ARRRG.  Yes, it sounds like it could be a difficult conversation.

Both of you have been affected.  :)oes her son know about BPD?  If not, the book about growing up with a borderline mother might be of use to him, when you think it might be appropriate to mention.

But for you, the conversation will be a trigger.  Keep your boundaries.  Perhaps let her son know that the conversation has to be about the relationship between you and him.   And you need for him to respect your boundaries in order to interact.   He's old enough to be expected to respect such a request.  And I'd bet it would be good for him to let go of the care taking.

And maybe ahead of time,  think about and  write down a list of ok topics to talk about, and topics not on the table.   Think about what you are willing to discuss, and things that you are not, and gently start to establish those points.  It can be a positive exercise in boundary development, as well as developing connections that do not revolve around the dominant theme of the past... . the ex.  

Maybe, think about it like an agenda for important negotiations in the Majority Whip's office.  There are salient points of discussion, which have been agreed to in advance, and other topics are not for that particular meeting because it will be nonproductive.  

Frank Underwood wouldn't be swayed outside of his agenda

Good luck.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks tausk!  Especially for the house of cards visual

I work night shift but I can talk on the phone to him as I am the only staff with 13 schizophrenics

He hasn't called quite yet.  Finishing up some studying so at least I am not blindsided by it.

He has no idea about the BPD.  He has seen the scars from the self mutilation but all he knows is that she had an abusive childhood... .

I think you are right though... . I can just tell him I don't want to discuss his mom period.   He is a typical 20 year old kid.  He wants to talk more about himself anyway.

So hopefully I am going to channel my inner Francis and see if I can keep him distracted.

I don't mind telling him about my life but I don't want to tell her.   I don't know why I feel so strongly... .

You see my 16 year old daughter is having a massive open heart surgery on the 19th.  She is friends with my ex's son.  Of course my daughter isn't saying a word to anyone cuz she is terrified.  But I know her son will ask.  (God it gets confusing with all the kids and such added to the mix)

I don't mind though that he knows.  I just really don't want her to know.

I don't even really know why I dobt want her to know.

That's just one example and the one that is weighing most heavily on my mind.  It just that I want to isolate her away from the rest of my life.  It's enough that she is in my head I need to keep her from the rest.

That probably makes zero sense!

But you are right!  An agenda is.a fantastic idea and he will respect that.

He is a great kid.  And I want to keep in touch with him... . I just wish it wasn't gonna be tonight!

[Allmessedup]

And I just realized I already know why he is wanting to call.

My ex bday is next week... .   He is wanting to know what to buy.  We do this three times a year.

I can't believe I didn't think how close it was until now.

I am so NOT ready to have that discussion

[Turkish]

And I just realized I already know why he is wanting to call.

My ex bday is next week... .   He is wanting to know what to buy.  We do this three times a year.

I can't believe I didn't think how close it was until now.

I am so NOT ready to have that discussion

Hi Allmessedup. It's perfectly ok for you to not have a conversation right now. Can you text or email him, saying that you are dealing with some family issues right now, and need to concentrate on that? It might elicit some more questions from him, but you daughter needs you. Not your ex or even her son whom you love. You come first, and so does your daughter. I hope everything goes ok with her!

[Allmessedup]

Thanks Turkish.

You are right.  Luckily I avoided having to talk to him last night.  He ended up getting busy with friends I think I will try to avoid him for the next few weeks until the crisis with my daughter has passed.  She needs her mom there 100% not a shell.  And despite everything else I know from experience that I will be.  (This her 5th open heart)

That will help I suspect in some way with the healing.  I will only focus on her and me. Getting thru the endless days at the hospital.  Seeking balance replied to another of my posts today and she brought up a point that made me think.

Feeling bad = illusion of unconditional love for me. 

I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling right now.  I am vulnerable and will be so until the surgery has passed and all is well with my daughter again.   I need to think about that and how it relates to my feelings about my ex.

But for now my plan of action is to be mindful in my thoughts and actions and too keep my focus on my self and my daughter.  That's where they belong

[Turkish]

Thanks Turkish.

You are right.  Luckily I avoided having to talk to him last night.  He ended up getting busy with friends I think I will try to avoid him for the next few weeks until the crisis with my daughter has passed.  She needs her mom there 100% not a shell.  And despite everything else I know from experience that I will be.  (This her 5th open heart)

That will help I suspect in some way with the healing.  I will only focus on her and me. Getting thru the endless days at the hospital.  Seeking balance replied to another of my posts today and she brought up a point that made me think.

Feeling bad = illusion of unconditional love for me. 

I think that has a lot to do with how I am feeling right now.  I am vulnerable and will be so until the surgery has passed and all is well with my daughter again.   I need to think about that and how it relates to my feelings about my ex.

But for now my plan of action is to be mindful in my thoughts and actions and too keep my focus on my self and my daughter.  That's where they belong

That is an interesting insight... . how exactly do you mean?

[Allmessedup]

Ok so I was looking at why I seem to have the hardest time when physically I am not feeling well.  There is a direct correlation there.

In taking a look at my past I realize that the only time my mother was there for me 100% was when I was ill.   Even as an adult I find that I wanted my mom when I was sick.  Now my mother has her own undiagnosed pd.  and our relationship is tulmulous at best but when I was sick she is a totally different person.  As was my ex. 

They both treated me the way that I craved to be treated when I was sick.

So feeling bad = the illusion of unconditional love for me.

Now I need to find out why that is and what I can do with it all... .