Am I justified in wanting out?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been 9 years... . I'm tired and drained. Does it make me a bad person to want out of this relationship? I'm exhausted from the drama and the constant excuses and the shifting of blame and responsibility. I didn't sign on for a marriage to an adult child that's barely capable of taking care of herself much less our 8yr d. I'm worried and scared about what will happen if I split... . I'm worried and scared of what will happen if I don't split from her.

She wants more validation and more attention and more love and I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't give her those things like I used to. I want to just scream and say " Because you suck the life out of me daily and I feel as though I can't breathe" but then I'd have to deal with an infant scorned and a tantrum.

She's started smoking again... . I'm a non smoker so kissing and hugging on a person that smells like an ash tray doesn't exactly make me feel warm and bubbly inside(no offense to those who smoke... . just not my thing... never has been). So how do you gently tell that to a pwBPD  and not get into a overly heavy "boo hoo nobody loves me" discussion for hours.

maybe I'm just having a bad week... . feeling pretty low.

Sorry for the rant I just needed to vent. Any advice or support is always appreciated and welcomed Thank you all.

[saitek]

It's been 9 years... . I'm tired and drained. Does it make me a bad person to want out of this relationship? I'm exhausted from the drama and the constant excuses and the shifting of blame and responsibility. I didn't sign on for a marriage to an adult child that's barely capable of taking care of herself much less our 8yr d. I'm worried and scared about what will happen if I split... . I'm worried and scared of what will happen if I don't split from her.

She wants more validation and more attention and more love and I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't give her those things like I used to. I want to just scream and say " Because you suck the life out of me daily and I feel as though I can't breathe" but then I'd have to deal with an infant scorned and a tantrum.

She's started smoking again... . I'm a non smoker so kissing and hugging on a person that smells like an ash tray doesn't exactly make me feel warm and bubbly inside(no offense to those who smoke... . just not my thing... never has been). So how do you gently tell that to a pwBPD  and not get into a overly heavy "boo hoo nobody loves me" discussion for hours.

maybe I'm just having a bad week... . feeling pretty low.

Sorry for the rant I just needed to vent. Any advice or support is always appreciated and welcomed Thank you all.

[GreenMango]

Well exhaustion was one of the reasons I backed out of the relationship.  A relationship like this can be a lot of work.  I try not to look at it as a who's right or wrong in this respect, but more of a what are you capable of situation.  

It sounds like you feel tapped out and don't have much more to give. IIs this where the guilt is stemming from?

In general high conflict situations can be very exhausting both mentally and physically.  There are technique that can bring down conflict and help to establish boundaries around your emotional well being.  

I'm not sure what your situation is regarding leaving and the logistics of staying in the same house. Are you putting together a plan to leave?

[LettingGo14]

While no one can answer that question for you, you've come to the right place to raise the questions and share your story.   

I think the characteristics you've wrestled with can lead to further inquiry.  One of the things I found is that I needed to stop telling myself the story of my ex.   I needed to "feel the feelings" and "lose the story."

The feelings made me realize I was in a crazy relationship, marked by chaos and dysfunction.  I stayed for a long time (emotionally) because of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).

Since I've found this site, I have started to release myself from owning my xBPDgf's story.   It doesn't matter anymore.   I've needed to make sure that I do the following:

1. Draw boundaries for self;

2. Accept & acknowledge my own participation;

3. Be brave enough to move on alone

I've decided to leave my relationship (emotionally & physically).  I am doing so b/c I need to define me, without her.   I needed to say "game over."   Note:  I was not married to her, and did not have children with her. 

That said, only you can decide for yourself and your child.   

Keep posting & reading.

[saitek]

I'm not sure what your situation is regarding leaving and the logistics of staying in the same house. Are you putting together a plan to leave?

Kinda but not really... nothing that will happen soon I'm just doing some long term thinking. The House is in my name and she has no job or income. hasn't for almost 8 years now hasn't helped me pay for anything that is currently ours.

[saitek]

Thank you for the kind words guys I do appreciate it greatly. having a child in the middle is what binds me most right now I know that if that element were not present I would have already been gone. But I would never take back my d she is the light in my tunnel I just don't know if I'm making the right choice.

[myself]

What is it like for your daughter to have the drama in her life?

Which choice (stay or go) is better for her?

A bad week in a good relationship can be dealt with, alone or together.

A bad week in a bad relationship very often leads to more bad weeks.

Being exhausted makes it much harder to make a move.

The truth is vital. It sounds like you feel to stand up for it.

[GreenMango]

Children are a common reason to struggle with leaving or staying.  You aren't alone there.   

You seem new.  I came here exhausted too.  It may help for you to post a little on the staying board with specifics to situations and how to address or handle them if you uncertain right now.

The staying board has a set of tools in the lessons that are geared to address the conflict.  If you can start to address that and start to establish boundariesaround you emotional well being and stability you are going to be in a better to make a solid decision about this.

And read from the Learning Center board on BPD clinical info.  Getting a handle on that is going to dispell some of the unpredictableness of the disorder and what you are experiencing at home.

You have every right to be concerned, be worried about your kid, and tired ... . Getting your feet underneath you is going to help a bit with the exhaustion and fatigue.

[Skip]

It's been 9 years... . I'm tired and drained. Does it make me a bad person to want out of this relationship? I'm exhausted from the drama and the constant excuses and the shifting of blame and responsibility. I didn't sign on for a marriage to an adult child that's barely capable of taking care of herself much less our 8yr d. I'm worried and scared about what will happen if I split... . I'm worried and scared of what will happen if I don't split from her.

There are no simple answers to a situation like this.

From your description, it sound like your marriage has grown stale - not abusive - but not a lot of like to it.

Does it make me a bad person to want out of this relationship?

This is a values question, so you know better than anyone here.  Its a big decision for your little girl. Breaking up the family will be hard on her and you won't see her everyday again - visitation is often every other weekend - some get more.  There will be a year or to of battling.  You will divide your assets.

Have you tried, with professional guidance, to rebuild the relationship? Would she be willing?