Is lack of gratitude a BPD trait?

[living in the past]

 Hi just wondering,i helped friend pwBPD, move last week, was a lot of bags of cloths,etc, some things damaged in the basement, to make this story short,was exhausted after about 3 hours, also had to put up with the tension between her roommate, told her if she needs more help this saturday i would help her,well her friend helped her some during the week,moved about 8 bags, she said what we did last week was a waste of time,that they got so much more done( not really true),was hurt , but after telling her she should have some gratitude for what iv"e done.  And trying to be understanding of the insanity they live in,( i think she is manic this week) i did help her finish the job of moving,(she did say thanks)I wouldn"t want to be BPD and bipolar all in one,even with all the things i learned here it still hurts,but not as much or for as long.thanks for reading

[maxsterling]

From what I have read here and from what I have experienced this seems to be a common issue with pwBPD.  I've also noticed that if you tell a pwBPD that they "should" be thankful or gracious, the immediate response is almost always ":)ON'T TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!"  And they also don't like being reminded of how much you do for them.  That usually starts a rage.

I know my dBPDgf spend 6 months taking advantage of my hospitality without so much as a thanks.  All she did was criticize the way I did things, when she did absolutely zero to help out with the house.  I'd fix dinner, and she would complain about the noises I make when I chew food.  I'd be the only one cleaning, and she would complain about the cleaning method I used.   And when I told her she had to leave, she'd blame me for putting her out on the street.  Yet, I helped her out with everything - money, a place to live, food - and I never once asked for anything in return.  She's better towards me, but not so much to strangers.  She rarely says thanks or notices how much others are going out of their way to help her out. 

I think the lack of gratitude is part of the mindset that revolves around having a poor sense of self and personal responsibilities.  Something makes the pwBPD feel that it is up to the external world to fill their internal needs, because they have a hard time validating themselves.  But since their internal needs are a bottomless pit, the external force (such as you or I) can never satisfy it.  So instead of them being happy for what they have been given, they instead focus on what else they need.  Thus they are never satisfied, and see no reason to give "thanks". 

That's probably a generalization, but that is the way I interpret it in my case.

[Aussie0zborn]

Not a generalisation at all... . A pretty good summing up of these situations.  My experience is identical.

[living in the past]

 Thanks for comments maxsterling and AussieOxborn, its always good to feel that its not me,and just part of this horrible illness that i guess i will never completely understand, today my saving grace is from reading on the left side of the page here ,Choosing a Path, Take a step backward.Right now friend pwBPD has a new friend (and this is all friendships)so i should be glad she has a women to relate to and they seem to help each other,why she idealized me for over a year, and now has been devaluing me some! is just the pattern of the illness, i am trying to be gratefull for this new friend, which will give me a chance to get out of the fog some more and stop the bleeding,also started therapy in december and the therapist said when this passes,and from reading here that when we get some space from pwBPD we can get our life back,i have some hope for me, thanks

[arielleis]

Hello,

unfortunately it is.

This is actually why the entire discard started for me. I wrote a post about BPDs and Money where I shared my experience and believe me, my relationship was stinking "ingratitude" all along, to the point where I told her "you are ungrateful".

They have a sense of entitlement where they feel they deserve the best of the best, without having to say thank you. One day, I offered her a ticket to go on a trip and her response was "you know I never say this... . but thank you!". What da heck?

If you want to read a chunk of ungratefulness, you can check this post... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220212.0

You may find some similarities

AL

[DiamondSW]

Max's comment about the word "SHOULD" is SPOT ON PERFECT.

I told my BPDexgf that she should be grateful for something and she went nuts... .   lots of shouting, nasty comments and being told the exact same line "don't you tell me how I should feel"... .  

It was an early indication that her emotions were all over the place and hr ability to rationalise maturely was also not possible at that stage -probably now too.

It was VERY hurtful and I ended up questioning my own sanity, reasoning and morals.  I really feel sorry for her because she just couldn't control her anger -the amount of people who love her that will be alienated in this way will be huge... .

BPD is rubbish.  What a waste... .  

"SHOULD" (even exhibited as kindness) = WW3 for a BPD sufferer.

[dansure]

From my experience YES!

Actually the lack of gratitude pissed me of the most and was one of the reasons I broke up with my ex.

I know my dBPDgf spend 6 months taking advantage of my hospitality without so much as a thanks.  All she did was criticize the way I did things, when she did absolutely zero to help out with the house.  I'd fix dinner, and she would complain about the noises I make when I chew food.

I have been also criticized for the exact same thing!

Another example that I remember was when she had chickenpox. Even though we just fought a couple of days before, when she told me that she had chickenpox I immediately invited her to my place to take care of her. I wouldn't let her move a finger. Cooked for her, bought medication for her, cleaned the dishes... . just did everything for her. What did I get for it? 3 weeks later when she invited me to the cinema for taking care of her, we had a fight because I told her that I don't like it that so random guys that I never met ask her to go clubbing together. However, in her disordered reality I accused her of being a b!itch so she started shouting at me in the middle of the street and finally just walked home. I guess I don't have to mention that for her that was one of the many break ups that we had during the relationship.

When we broke up I also told her "you are the single most unthankful person that I ever met".

[Mirdin]

Well, I do agree that it is a general trait, however, there are exceptions, also it depends on the type of BPD, Waif, Queen, Witch etc.

[living in the past]

 Thanks everyone for your comments,maybe some day i"ll be back on the leaving board,i haven"t called friend pwBPD since helping her move on 2-22-14, and she hasn"t called me,trying not to figure it out so i must be doing better, got my therapist appointment on thursday, so i tell myself don"t call till at least i get to appointment,my heart goes out to everyone here in a relationship with a pwBPD,i know it can be so much worse than what i am going though(just friends)but somehow i got caught up in this illness trying to help a friend, also i try to understand what a pwBPD has to deal with(can"t imagine)i never heard of this illness till friend told me back in october she was diagnosed,(at the time i thought i was just dealing with bipolar)thanks again for reading and replying,it means so much to me.

[hergestridge]

Gratitude? They don't understand the concept. My wife says I should "use" people more (her word!) more when I can, but I only ask people for help when I really need to. She doesn't understand that trying someone's patience is damaging to a relation long term.

Lack of gratiude is a BPD trait. So is lack of friends.

[drv3006]

Mine is the most ungrateful man I ever met.  I could give him my kidney and a lung and he woudl still find something wrong with my "behavior".  However, strangers are wonderful and he treats them like gold.

[pintweaks]

From my experience, their lack of gratitude is directly linked to their seemingly insatiable sense of entitlement. And for me, it isn't the lack of verbal appreciation that gets to me. I enjoy doing things for people I care about, and I never really expect a verbal 'thank you' in return (although it's nice).

What truly starts to wear on me after months and years is the complete and utter lack of physical appreciation ... . and no, I'm not talking about physical intimacy. What I mean is that there are no reciprocated thoughtful gestures, no favors... . it truly is like taking care of a child without even getting so much as a cute card drawn with crayon.

I have been taking complete and total care of us (paying all the bills, rent, the only one with a job, cooking, shopping, cleaning, dishes, coordinating logistics for vacations/outings/doctors visits, etc) for four years, and I can literally count the number of reciprocations on one hand. When her car breaks down, she gets furious with me if I don't leave work to drive her somewhere, saying I am "unbelievably selfish" and the like. This is all due to her sense of entitlement... . her subconscious belief that her priorities (which are few) are simply more important than mine.

This, I believe, is what you're experiencing on a much smaller scale. One should never do anyone a favor expecting anything in return... . that's just a good general rule. But with a person who suffers from BPD, just know that you will not receive any gratitude at all... . Unless all you want is a casual utterance of 'thanks'. That seems easy enough for them to muster most of the time.

PS: I did receive a thank you for dinner last night, but it was put out there so laboriously and insincerely that it truly would've been better to not hear it at all. This is also pretty common from my experiences.

[HealingForMe]

Sense of entitlement, ingratitude, thanklessness, demanding, selfishness... . IME its all part of a pwBPD.

Just be glad she has a new friend now & you can leave it all behind

[MissyM]

Yes, a huge lack of gratitude.  What we were told in  therapy is that my dBPDh feels like the victim in every situation, therefore he doesn't see anything he has to be grateful for.  He isn't grateful for his job (he should be because they should have fired him), he isn't grateful for his kids or for me.  It is ridiculous that he constantly talks about me not being grateful for him.  If he watches the kids so that I can go to codependency meetings, I should be grateful.  When I have the kids nonstop and he is gone for 3 weeks, well that is just my job.  The distorted entitlement is part of BPD and it is part of addiction.  I know when he works hard in 12 steps, he starts to see his selfishness and works on it.  He is extremely dysregulated right now and thinking he is entitled and has nothing to be grateful for.  Hate this side of him.

[letmeout]

I never noticed any gratitude, he only could feel entitled.

[HealingForMe]

He isn't grateful for his job (he should be because they should have fired him), he isn't grateful for his kids or for me.  It is ridiculous that he constantly talks about me not being grateful for him.

Classic projection. Stay strong 

[hergestridge]

My wife is fixated on having a 50/50 shared workload in the household. If I do more than my share she's not grateful, she's more like "Why did you do that for!". I think it's not about owing anyone anything.

One of the premises of gratitude is trust, and that's not easy for my wife.

[MissyM]

Thanks, Nacha!  I am mostly doing well, which is of course escalating his behavior.  I set a boundary yesterday and he was super pissed off.  He seems to have calmed down a little this morning.  Of course, he will try and push that boundary again today  It is to be expected.  Difference is, I am prepared for that this time. 

[GopherAgent]

pintweaks... .

Oh, Yes! You describe my experience to at "T"!

You said... . "What truly starts to wear on me after months and years is the complete and utter lack of physical appreciation ... . and no, I'm not talking about physical intimacy. What I mean is that there are no reciprocated thoughtful gestures, no favors... . it truly is like taking care of a child without even getting so much as a cute card drawn with crayon."

Yes... . The utter lack of physical appreciation is astounding. Especially when you combine it with the demands from your SO that you don't show enough attention or compassion to them and you don't do anything SPECIAL for them, ever. On top of that, you probably get told that you don't spend enough time with them or take her out enough, because after all," all of her friends get treated better by their husbands than you treat me!"

Never mind that you've given them cards, flowers and gifts on regular occasions and taken them places to foster and build that relationship with them only to be told at the very minute they dis-regulate that you NEVER do these thing for them. Then, when they are dis-regulated and are raging at you, you get the most heinous descriptions of how little you do for them and how pitiful what you do when you do it it is and that it is so cheap and awful that you have so much to learn about how a woman wants to be treated that there is little hope for you.

I remember one incident just recently with her. I bought flowers and a card for her on a whim just to be "romantic". Got home and gave them to her. Little did I know, she was T-O'd about something that I was unaware of and just minutes after I gave her the flowers, they ended up on the floor and I was told I how horrible these pathetic things were and that I didn't care for her feelings about the matter at all. Not the first time I've experienced that with her. And then she wonders why things are the way they are? Oops... . I just asked a stupid question. I know the answer to that one, now.

Yes... . pintweaks... . I can identify and feel the disappointment in your words. They don't see our hearts. They have to take an external sign of our love through a gift or a loving act and crush it, destroy it and spew such venomous hate toward us that I wonder why we continue to give them anything at all.

And, yes, when you do get that little bit of recognition from them, it is accompanied by a such big to-do about how much effort it took for them to do this and how you should... . oh, sorry... . are now obligated to see their many and never ending sacrifices for you.

Now that I've "studied" this matter, I've come to a new perspective and appreciation for me and the decent and loving man I know I am. I am not the loser she p#** whips when she is dis-regulated.

Ah, yes. The fun and joy of it all!

pintweaks... . I can tell from your post that you are a caring and sensitive person. You are looking at this and are coming to the realization of your "limitation's" and making adjustments in your life to work around these matters. You are a decent and reasonable and loving person. If for no one else but yourself. Hang in there and be strong.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[living in the past]

 Thanks for all your replys,this illness effect on me has been hard to deal with,you all make it a little easier.