Help, Need Advice ex is Losing It.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDexgf showed back up via text on Thursday. I took the advice here and haven't responded. I've changed my cell and home phone number. Got a new email address and I'm 100% sure she doesn't know where I live now.Even if she did I moved into a gated community with a 24 hr guard on duty. Yes, when I moved in I had her in mind. I'm not to worried she could actually make to my apartment. That said,yesterday she started calling me at work. If you Google my name my work number is displayed. She left 18 messages each on crazier than the previous one. She accusing me of stuff I didn't do. I cant change my work number. But yesterdays antics caught the attention of my boss. I just started this Job. I'm scared to death she's gonna get me fired. I called the police and they told me she has to make a threat to do anything. I work for the govt and was told she has a right just like anyone else to call that number. I don't know what she wants and I don't know what to do. It's been two months since I went nc.

Any suggestions?

[coastalfog1]

My BPDexgf showed back up via text on Thursday. I took the advice here and haven't responded. I've changed my cell and home phone number. Got a new email address and I'm 100% sure she doesn't know where I live now.Even if she did I moved into a gated community with a 24 hr guard on duty. Yes, when I moved in I had her in mind. I'm not to worried she could actually make to my apartment. That said,yesterday she started calling me at work. If you Google my name my work number is displayed. She left 18 messages each on crazier than the previous one. She accusing me of stuff I didn't do. I cant change my work number. But yesterdays antics caught the attention of my boss. I just started this Job. I'm scared to death she's gonna get me fired. I called the police and they told me she has to make a threat to do anything. I work for the govt and was told she has a right just like anyone else to call that number. I don't know what she wants and I don't know what to do. It's been two months since I went nc.

Any suggestions?

[Surnia]

This is tough, costalfog, 18 messages! I can understand that you are scared about your job.

What about being proactive and speak with your boss about it? I mean the messages are showing that she is out of control. And that you the number is visible through Google, made it easy for her. 

I would make notes too and keep the messages, if possible. The police's answer is unsatisfying. I mean who needs 18 attempts in a row?

What she wants: Your attention. Don't give in, bc you would enforce bad behavior.

[HealingForMe]

She left 18 messages each on crazier than the previous one. She accusing me of stuff I didn't do. I cant change my work number. But yesterdays antics caught the attention of my boss. I just started this Job. I'm scared to death she's gonna get me fired. I called the police and they told me she has to make a threat to do anything. I work for the govt and was told she has a right just like anyone else to call that number.

Yes she has a right to call that number but not to harass, although specific laws vary among countries & even states. I strongly suggest you get legal advice, either from a lawyer or some other organisation as you shouldnt have to put up with that or have your job jeopardised.

I would make notes too and keep the messages, if possible.

+1

Also, you may be able to get a restraining order, preventing her from calling you.

I hope this works out for you, good luck

[Skip]

Is "no contact" really helping the situation or making it worse?

You wrote this recently... .

I'm angry and I'm not sure why. I want to break nc. I want to hear her voice. Her final words to me "breaking up with me is the biggest mistake of my life" are playing in my head like a loop tonight and I can't them stop. I've gone for a walk, taken the dog for a swim, done some packing so I 'm going to break nc here. To my ex: the biggest mistake of my life was never leaving, it was meeting you.

You've moved cross country - she's not a physical threat - maybe open a yahoo account and contract her by email and let her say what she wants to say.  Just don't engage the emotion of it.  You can even have a friend read the it and respond for you if you want.

It might be the easiest and safest way to wind this down.

The goal is to detach - not go no contact - they are not the same.  If you are both fighting yourselves over the no contact - then its raising the anxiety level not lowering it.

[growing_wings]

Is "no contact" really helping the situation or making it worse?


The goal is to detach - not go no contact - they are not the same.  If you are both fighting yourselves over the no contact - then its raising the anxiety level not lowering it.

just to add my experience... i did what Skip described and calmed my ex down... . when i went NC for first my, my ex lost it big time and started calling my phone non stop, non stop... so, i texted, i went to minimum contact for a few days until she calmed down... . then she only emailed every now and then, then she went NC entirely

[SunflowerFields]

What about being proactive and speak with your boss about it?

This is good advice and part 1 of what worked for me.

Part 1 (work aspect): At the start of the de-enmeshment process with my N mother (who would begin call my work colleagues and bosses if I did not respond), this is what I told my boss: "I regret you are receiving calls from my mother and that this is happening. My mother has issues. I've tried talking to her about it and nothing helps. I cannot control who she calls but please feel free to ignore her calls."

My boss appreciated my honesty and understood the situation.

Part 2 (her own social circle aspect): I contacted her best friend, with a polite and concise txt of what was happening: "I regret to bother you but I have no one else to contact and hope you can help me. My mother keeps calling my work colleagues when she cannot reach me. This is jeopardising my job. I tried talking to her about it but she keeps doing it. At the moment I am dealing with a lot of issues of my own and need to concentrate on my healing.  I cannot lose my job. I would greatly appreciate your help, if you can talk some sense into her."

Her friend ended up calling her, told her I txted her, and said, "I received a txt from SunflowerFields. I am going to just read it to you." My mother, being her polite self in front of others, just told her "thank you."

The calls to my work then stopped.

Take control of the things you can

[Skip]

Part 2 (her own social circle aspect): I contacted her best friend, with a polite and concise txt of what was happening: "I regret to bother you but I have no one else to contact and hope you can help me. My mother keeps calling my work colleagues when she cannot reach me. This is jeopardising my job. I tried talking to her about it but she keeps doing it. At the moment I am dealing with a lot of issues of my own and need to concentrate on my healing.  I cannot lose my job. I would greatly appreciate your help, if you can talk some sense into her."

SunflowerFields, in some states this would be considered harassment.  One would need to be very careful with something like this.  It might also result in a similar retaliatory action.

Some things to also consider.

[SunflowerFields]

SunflowerFields, in some states this would be considered harassment.  One would need to be very careful with something like this.  It might also result in a similar retaliatory action.

Some things to also consider.

You may well be right, Skip. My experience has been that the key is always "know who you're dealing with". In my own case, I've known her friend since birth, I grew up playing with her kids, she already tried to knock sense into my mom, and my mom knew to respect her. It worked like a charm for me (mom never did it again nor mentioned it because she felt embarassed she was publicly outed). Others' situation may be different of course

[coastalfog1]

Thank you for the advice. Monday morning started with 3 more messages threatening me with the police. She's accusing me on not returning her stuff. I did. I took pictures, contacted her neighbor to attest to me leaving it at her place, recorded a voice mail to tell her where it was left and contacted my local police. I don't know what to do, I feel like throwing up. I can't give her back stuff I don't have. If i respond I can't keep my emotions in tact.My boss told me take the day to figure it out.I'm giving her what she wants by talking to her.  I feel defeated.

[Dog biscuit]

Thank you for the advice. Monday morning started with 3 more messages threatening me with the police. She's accusing me on not returning her stuff. I did. I took pictures, contacted her neighbor to attest to me leaving it at her place, recorded a voice mail to tell her where it was left and contacted my local police. I don't know what to do, I feel like throwing up. I can't give her back stuff I don't have. If i respond I can't keep my emotions in tact.My boss told me take the day to figure it out.I'm giving her what she wants by talking to her.  I feel defeated.

How horrible this must be! I understand your feelings of defeat. 

If you returned everything, there is no need to talk to her. Can you find a way to ignore her (emotional) blackmail? Can you see her number on the display of the phone and not pick it up? Can you block her number on you work phone? Can you get a restraining order of some kind?

She is harrasing you at work! I feel your pain! Ugh!