Ending It Was My Choice

[Turkish]

I suppose my pulling back from the affection was a passive aggressive way to trigger her. Her finding a paramour so quickly was unjustified (as well as all but throwing it in my face for 5 months), but I was the one who "technically" ended the r/s when I was tired of fighting their luv attraction. So why I am still so angry? It was my choice to kick her out, even though it took 5 months. Am I jealous that she found someone so quickly (an emotional affair which started months before she said we were done)? Probably, that things seem to be going so well for her now (taxpayer and Turkish subsidized luxury apartment while I'm stuck in the ghetto part of town, Turkish subsidized new car, Turkish baby sitting her kids half the week so she can play on her time). It was my choice to stop fighting. I should accept that this is really what I wanted: to be free of her. I enabled it in a roundabout way. It's on me. Perhaps I should be angry at myself?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Turkish, you sound angry now... . Maybe feeling betrayed, cheated, or taken for a ride? Being angry is a legitimate response to those feelings. Do you think that you'd probably still feel this way regardless of who technically ended it?

You've been on the boards long enough to have heard that healing isn't necessarily a journey in one directions. Sometimes we take two steps backwards for every step forwards. Maybe allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and then try to understand the reasons behind your feelings -- which is what you seem to be processing in your post.

Hang in there. 

[arn131arn]

Hey Turkish! Good to hear from u again, bro! Our stories are so similar it's really kinda funny... . or sad. The way I've gone about handling my anger is to think about my son, and how he does love his mother and center myself in a place where I can walk in his shoes and feel what he feels. You actually gave me that advice in a pm a month ago. How would my son like a man to treat his mother? Then I'm flooded with compassion, patience, and serenity.

I also pray that everything I want in my life she gets. I say them every night, every morning, and throughout my day. It was hard if not damn near impossible in the beginning to do, but I am blessed today with a grace that I have no idea why or how I deserve.

I end those same prayers with "god, save me from being angry at the mother of my child, show me how I can be of help to her, Thy will be done."

It takes ME out of the problem and puts me into the solution. And the solution is no matter what she is or who she's with or how she acts, I need to be a better person. And that depends entirely on me. I don't want to be angry anymore. Our kids need to see that vindictiveness and aggression only perpetuate problems, they do not solve them.

[NyGirl8]

I'm with you.  I think it doesn't matter who ended it... . the anger is still there.  And even though I KNOW how awful it is... . I don't want him to be doing "well" at all.  I want people to really see how awful he treated me and I don't want anyone to believe the lies he is telling about me.  But, if I truly look at myself... . these things all trigger my control issues.  I have to keep repeating to myself that it is really none of my business what other's think of me.  People will believe what they choose and see what they choose to see... . all out of my control.  And, looks are so very deceiving.  He may "look" like he is doing well... . but he truly is living a hellish existence that he will never be able to escape from.  He may "look" happy... . but he doesn't have that ability, he is too broken and damaged.  BUT, I remind myself... . I do have that ability!  It will get better for me!  It is just hard to see sometimes through the anger, hard to see the happiness and peace and calm that is ahead of me.  So, I understand, I do... .

[Turkish]

I'm with you.  I think it doesn't matter who ended it... . the anger is still there.  And even though I KNOW how awful it is... . I don't want him to be doing "well" at all.  I want people to really see how awful he treated me and I don't want anyone to believe the lies he is telling about me.  But, if I truly look at myself... . these things all trigger my control issues.  I have to keep repeating to myself that it is really none of my business what other's think of me.  People will believe what they choose and see what they choose to see... . all out of my control.  And, looks are so very deceiving.  He may "look" like he is doing well... . but he truly is living a hellish existence that he will never be able to escape from.  He may "look" happy... . but he doesn't have that ability, he is too broken and damaged.  BUT, I remind myself... . I do have that ability!  It will get better for me!  It is just hard to see sometimes through the anger, hard to see the happiness and peace and calm that is ahead of me.  So, I understand, I do... .

Though it is no longer my business at this point, a friend told me the other night that she and her bf were all lovey dovey on FB (she hasn't purged her friends list yet apparently). I think I will tell him though I appreciate it, I don't want any updates unless he sees something odd that may involve the kids. The salient thing is that no one is "liking" thier posts. "I love and appreciate you" and all of that stuff. funny, she only told me she loved me months after we were together, and her family fully accepted me. She told this dude while she was still living with me and sneaking around. So it is a public love fest that no one on her side is buying.

Yes, it's ok to be angry, and it feels like we are in the same place. I put out the best face I can and take the high road. Sometimes saying or doing nothing says more than doing the opposite. Let the enablers, if there are any (and there are a specific few who bought into what she told them), continue being that. I'll continue to be myself: genuine.

[Turkish]

Thanks LC. I do feel like it is a few steps back. But I hate being angry. I don't quite know how to let it go... .

yet Arn, you bring up some good points. Your prayers are noble. I do so with the kids, but somehow it doesn't feel sincere yet. You had it worse than me (mine is rather passive in all of this, trusting me to do the leading, and I don't have an enabling in-laws with which to deal), yet you seem to be in a better place. You have come out of a very dark tunnel and are enjoying the sunshine for the first time in probably many years. I see the light, and smell the frangrance of the impending spring, but I am still lingering at the edge of the tunnel. Maybe I'm afraid to step out into the sunshine, exposing myself for who I really am now after all of this?

[arn131arn]

Thanks LC. I do feel like it is a few steps back. But I hate being angry. I don't quite know how to let it go... .

yet Arn, you bring up some good points. Your prayers are noble. I do so with the kids, but somehow it doesn't feel sincere yet. You had it worse than me (mine is rather passive in all of this, trusting me to do the leading, and I don't have an enabling in-laws with which to deal), yet you seem to be in a better place. You have come out of a very dark tunnel and are enjoying the sunshine for the first time in probably many years. I see the light, and smell the frangrance of the impending spring, but I am still lingering at the edge of the tunnel. Maybe I'm afraid to step out into the sunshine, exposing myself for who I really am now after all of this?

Turk, you said it not me, bro. I have learned that I reached a point where I know the answer only when I no longer have to ask the question!

Look within. Become vulnerable.

[seeking balance]

Anger is a very real and important part of this process - it is the gateway to the hurt and letting go.

Yes, it's ok to be angry, and it feels like we are in the same place. I put out the best face I can and take the high road. Sometimes saying or doing nothing says more than doing the opposite. Let the enablers, if there are any (and there are a specific few who bought into what she told them), continue being that. I'll continue to be myself: genuine.

Turkish, you mentioned you might be mad at yourself in the beginning of this thread - could it be that you see the enabling part of your behavior in this too and slowly coming to terms with it?

[Madison66]

The anger comes and goes with me, but has calmed some since I kinda took it out on an inanimate object a couple weeks ago after she broke n/c.  Like you, Turkish, I ended the r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  I was struggling seeing the replacement's car (well, second replacement) within a few weeks of the b/u.  Why should I be surprised or angered after I dumped her @ss?  Well, I allowed myself to endure a sh!tpot of abuse and didn't listen to those around me who were yelling at me to "RUN"!  I wasn't married to her, but had a relationship with her three kids who are all pretty messed up.  So, add guilt on top of my "anger sunday"! 

We are beautifully human and can actually process and show these emotions in healthy ways, unlike our ex PD's.  Even when it hurts like hell, we aren't out hurting other people to cope with it.  Hang in there and keep pushing forward! 

[Turkish]

Anger is a very real and important part of this process - it is the gateway to the hurt and letting go.

Yes, it's ok to be angry, and it feels like we are in the same place. I put out the best face I can and take the high road. Sometimes saying or doing nothing says more than doing the opposite. Let the enablers, if there are any (and there are a specific few who bought into what she told them), continue being that. I'll continue to be myself: genuine.

Turkish, you mentioned you might be mad at yourself in the beginning of this thread - could it be that you see the enabling part of your behavior in this too and slowly coming to terms with it?

SB,  you mean still enabling her (sure I  did for the last year)? I  don't see how that's possible with very LC.  Our do you mean enabling myself?

[seeking balance]

SB,  you mean still enabling her (sure I  did for the last year)?

yes, we all enabled the behavior... . we played our part in the roles.

Your initial post talked about your anger possibly being at yourself... . you seem to have anger directed towards those you see as enablers now.  Most folks who have been on a recovery path tend to eventually look face first into the mirror to see our own roles and really really own them.  The beginning of this process can look like anger and anger even directed at others.  Thus my question to you is perhaps you are starting to come to terms with your part -which could look like anger at oneself.

I suppose my pulling back from the affection was a passive aggressive way to trigger her. Her finding a paramour so quickly was unjustified (as well as all but throwing it in my face for 5 months), but I was the one who "technically" ended the r/s when I was tired of fighting their luv attraction. So why I am still so angry? It was my choice to kick her out, even though it took 5 months. Am I jealous that she found someone so quickly (an emotional affair which started months before she said we were done)? Probably, that things seem to be going so well for her now (taxpayer and Turkish subsidized luxury apartment while I'm stuck in the ghetto part of town, Turkish subsidized new car, Turkish baby sitting her kids half the week so she can play on her time). It was my choice to stop fighting. I should accept that this is really what I wanted: to be free of her. I enabled it in a roundabout way. It's on me. Perhaps I should be angry at myself?

It seems like you are questioning yourself - what parts you enabled, your passive-aggressive behavior, etc.

I  don't see how that's possible with very LC. 

Oh, I see it often in LC when boundaries are not clearly defined.

LC is not a cure for boundary work just as NC does not equal detachment.

[arn131arn]

Thanks LC. I do feel like it is a few steps back. But I hate being angry. I don't quite know how to let it go... .



yet Arn, you bring up some good points. Your prayers are noble. I do so with the kids, but somehow it doesn't feel sincere yet. You had it worse than me (mine is rather passive in all of this, trusting me to do the leading, and I don't have an enabling in-laws with which to deal), yet you seem to be in a better place. You have come out of a very dark tunnel and are enjoying the sunshine for the first time in probably many years. I see the light, and smell the frangrance of the impending spring, but I am still lingering at the edge of the tunnel. Maybe I'm afraid to step out into the sunshine, exposing myself for who I really am now after all of this?

Anger is a very dangerous place for me to be, Turk. You "normals" can handle/process anger better than me.  As an alcoholic, I stand no chance in my recovery harboring resentments.  I found that when I wrote my son's mother's name on a piece of paper, than wrote why I was angry at her, how what she did effected me (sexual, money, pride, personal relations, etc), then I wrote down what my part in all of this was.  That's when I could see what I did to help in all of the chaos, but more importantly, what I could have done different. 

I think it's very important you try to come out of that tunnel and expose yourself.

My guess, you will absolutely love what you see.

My second therapist session, my P asked me a very important question, "Who is Arn without his son's mother?"

Who is Turk?

I'd say a dude who loves his kids dearly, a great dad, a guy, like me, who would give a woman the world, and a guy I would dig a foxhole with and spend a few days with that's for sure. Give the anger up, the control, the pain... . give it away, and be Turk for a little while.  My bet is you may find some truths that you admire and like me, forgot you even had... .

[Turkish]

SB,  you mean still enabling her (sure I  did for the last year)?

yes, we all enabled the behavior... . we played our part in the roles.

Your initial post talked about your anger possibly being at yourself... . you seem to have anger directed towards those you see as enablers now.  Most folks who have been on a recovery path tend to eventually look face first into the mirror to see our own roles and really really own them.  The beginning of this process can look like anger and anger even directed at others.  Thus my question to you is perhaps you are starting to come to terms with your part -which could look like anger at oneself.

My role was freeing her from my moral leadership, if you call it that, giving her the choice to make an adult decision, when I new darn well which path she would take. So in this, it was my fault. I just got sick of fighting it.

I suppose my pulling back from the affection was a passive aggressive way to trigger her. Her finding a paramour so quickly was unjustified (as well as all but throwing it in my face for 5 months), but I was the one who "technically" ended the r/s when I was tired of fighting their luv attraction. So why I am still so angry? It was my choice to kick her out, even though it took 5 months. Am I jealous that she found someone so quickly (an emotional affair which started months before she said we were done)? Probably, that things seem to be going so well for her now (taxpayer and Turkish subsidized luxury apartment while I'm stuck in the ghetto part of town, Turkish subsidized new car, Turkish baby sitting her kids half the week so she can play on her time). It was my choice to stop fighting. I should accept that this is really what I wanted: to be free of her. I enabled it in a roundabout way. It's on me. Perhaps I should be angry at myself?

It seems like you are questioning yourself - what parts you enabled, your passive-aggressive behavior, etc.

Yes, she has totally legitimate points to make about me. But what she did was unjustified. When someone writes (and I saw this back in Sept, and was still trying to work it out): "every day is one closer to when we can be together forever" and later, "Turkish is everything a woman could want in a man, but I just can't love him." Then I threw in the towel when I knew what I was up against.

I  don't see how that's possible with very LC. 

Oh, I see it often in LC when boundaries are not clearly defined.

LC is not a cure for boundary work just as NC does not equal detachment.

I'm the one totally defining this LC. She wants to hang out as a family now and then (probably later I will do this). I don't want to see her at all. She may finally be getting it. I think at this point it is helping me detach (and probably her, too, as she is still trying to hang onto me in a way). But that is an interesting point. We'll see if I "get it" with someone else later on, establishing clear and healthy boundaries.

If you are meaning I am still enabling her teenlike behavior, well, I don't see how that's possible. I see she is trying to be a good mom, asking me in ways for validation (like texting me pics of them at the park this weekend, still taking them to Sunday school on her weekends). I give her validation-lite in this regard. What she does on her own time, however, is beyond my control. She will do it no matter what, and at this point, it is none of my business.

[seeking balance]

Let me see if I am following you Turkish:

So, when you refer to this below

I enabled it in a roundabout way. It's on me. Perhaps I should be angry at myself?

What you mean is this?

My role was freeing her from my moral leadership, if you call it that, giving her the choice to make an adult decision, when I new darn well which path she would take. So in this, it was my fault. I just got sick of fighting it.

[Turkish]

Let me see if I am following you Turkish:

So, when you refer to this below

I enabled it in a roundabout way. It's on me. Perhaps I should be angry at myself?

What you mean is this?

My role was freeing her from my moral leadership, if you call it that, giving her the choice to make an adult decision, when I new darn well which path she would take. So in this, it was my fault. I just got sick of fighting it.

Yes, SB. This is in regard to the kids. I expected her to make the choice when she was already signaling she wouldn't. On some level, i knew she wouldnt, so that is on me. Her mom saw it before I did.

[Turkish]

I'd be in that foxhole with you Arn. In a way, we already are.