grasping at straws?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since my long-time BPDgf abruptly dumped me almost a year ago, I've heard from friends that, in addition to hooking up quickly with a rather dubious replacement, she has immersed herself in a charismatic form of Christianity, has had psychic readings done, and now holds a fascination with Hindu-inspired gurus such as Ram Dass.

I think her dumping me was a prelude to taking a dive into the deep end of the pool. I'm looking for perspective and feedback here. Does this sort of "grasping at straws" behavior resonate with your experience with BPDs getting to a certain stress point? And if so, what should she be considering instead? She said she wanted to take time and space to find herself and work on herself; she was empty, lonely, and lost despite her acknowledging what a great partner I had been.

This woman is in her fifties, not some teenager or twenty-something from the sixties!

A mutual friend says that we are witnessing a train wreck, and sadly, I must agree. Your comments, please... .

[day2day]

Since my long-time BPDgf abruptly dumped me almost a year ago, I've heard from friends that, in addition to hooking up quickly with a rather dubious replacement, she has immersed herself in a charismatic form of Christianity, has had psychic readings done, and now holds a fascination with Hindu-inspired gurus such as Ram Dass.

I think her dumping me was a prelude to taking a dive into the deep end of the pool. I'm looking for perspective and feedback here. Does this sort of "grasping at straws" behavior resonate with your experience with BPDs getting to a certain stress point? And if so, what should she be considering instead? She said she wanted to take time and space to find herself and work on herself; she was empty, lonely, and lost despite her acknowledging what a great partner I had been.

This woman is in her fifties, not some teenager or twenty-something from the sixties!

A mutual friend says that we are witnessing a train wreck, and sadly, I must agree. Your comments, please... .

[seeking balance]

pwBPD are looking for meaning and to be happy just like anyone else.

It sounds like you are looking for meaning in the breakup day2day or perhaps some validation that you did matter or somehow she was better with you?

How do you feel hearing that she is a "train wreck" from a mutual friend?

[day2day]

I feel very frustrated and very sad.

[seeking balance]

I feel very frustrated and very sad.

yeah, it is hard to love someone and not be able to save them. 

It helped me to understand where I was in the detachment cycle - look to the right, where are you today?

For the record, I asked mutual friends not to tell me anything about my ex - I was too raw and honestly didn't want to know -  I still don't want to know, it is not my business.

[day2day]

To clarify, I never go into a relationship or stay in a relationship to save somebody. To help and support, yes... . to try and save the relationship itself, yes... . but fixing and rescuing someone is not what I'm there for.

I'm NC and do not go out of my way to keep tabs on her. In the beginning, I had my ear to the ground 24/7, and upon learning what I learned (which was a lot) and with the help of lots of research, reflection back on the r/s, several hard-to-interpret contacts by her, and my discussions in therapy, I came to the inescapable conclusion that BPD (which I never knew about) was a likelihood. In the wake of all that, I went NC. I realized that in BPD I had met my match.

Sometimes, in my social circle, just by virtue of having ears I find things out that floor me whether I want to hear them or not. I have in fact cut off conversations when I see where they are going and let people know I would prefer to change the subject. There have been cases where people talk right through anyway!

I have no intention of reaching out. As I said, BPD seems to be like an offense in football for which there is no answer.

Where am I? Still doing a lot of processing. That's what brought me on here. The more I can understand, the more it helps. Better but struggling. Wiser but still capable of stupid. Earning plaudits from my T and from friends and family. Good days. Bad days. Occasional triggers. Occasional temptations. Occasional shifts from sadness and really giving a damn about her welfare to "I hope you're happy with the mess you've created for yourself."

A different person in many ways. A situation in flux.

The ultimate reality show. Or is it unreality show?

Thanks for your reply.

[woodsposse]

To clarify, I never go into a relationship or stay in a relationship to save somebody. To help and support, yes... . to try and save the relationship itself, yes... . but fixing and rescuing someone is not what I'm there for.

First off, welcome.  You landed in the right place.

I'll cut right to the chase, because I (personally) have been exactly where you are and said the exact same things you have said regarding my life, the disorder and what I think I'm trying to do.

After coming here and learning more about the disorder, I was able to finally slow down and realize that what I was really trying to do was learn what the matter was with her... . and, wheter I admitted it to myself or not - tried to fix her... . so I could fix the relationship.


To help and support and save the r/s - is the exact same as to rescue and fix her.

It wasn't until I followed the readings and asked myself, honestly, why am I still connected after all the chaos happened... . why is it so difficult to disconnect?  Why did I allow myself to be in that r/s in the first place and to stay as long as I did?

I allowed myself to really look at my life and took it back to my FOO - and it all made sense.

Yes, I was trying to fix her... . rescue her... . save her - because there were parts of me I needed to fix/rescue and save.

So the truth wasn't, for me, that I didn't want to rescue or fix her - the truth was that I was doing that.  And it made me feel good.  She was a puzzle, a mystery to solve.  Even finding this site to have all the pieces fit made me feel great. I finally found an answer I was looking for - something which made sense.

And you know the first thing I thought of doing... . reaching out to her to say "look, I found it.  It makes sense.  and there is a roadmap we can use to fix this"  (fix her).

But upon further study I realized, disorder or not, I can't fix or rescue anyone  - at least not until I fix me. 

So I have taken the time needed to actually focus on me.  Some things I found, uncovered, and/or ripping old scars off old wounds hurt.  they hurt bad.  But at least I know what I have been dealing with my entire life and can now heal.

Does this mean I want to run in and rescue her... . part of me still wants to from time to time.  But she is not my responsibioity any longer (and in this case, she never really was).  She has to want to come to the understanding of whatever her issues are and work on them in her time.

I would rather be honest and in an interdependent relationship with someone who is honest - than in one where I'm fixing me... . and need to somehow save the r/s by helping to support someone who isn't being honest, or themselves or even know they are disordered.

Everythign I  am sharing is my opinion and really deals with and focuses on me and my healing.  I just like to share so maybe something I'm sharing resonates with someone else at a place I use to be.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be another step forward - and hopefully a week from now I'm not three steps back.

Honest to myself has been the key.  My happiness and wellness strart and end with me.

[seeking balance]

Wiser but still capable of stupid.

heck, that could be my 6 word memoir!

We all do our best - so do they.  Some of us are just more capable is all.

Your post has a lot of solid information, hope others join in.

[DiamondSW]

Please don't grasp at straws.

My BPDexgf who is 30 followed an identical route to your ex... . I ended the r/s, returned when all hell broke loose with her terrible choice of a replacement, and then she decided that she finally had to work on herself and pushed me away... . re-phase that... . "Kicked/booted" me away, naturally without her being honest with me abt her diagnosis... .

I've never been so confused.

In the last 3 mths she found God to excess, through a charismatic church in London, and that moulded her life (no job, not many friends, not really much going on, pretty lonely) ... .

Today, she seems to still be in therapy and she is less devout so the religion part is wearing off... .   I'm hoping it's a sign her DBT is working.

But that's it.  I've seen her, we politely ignore each other.  No straws to clutch.

I got what I wanted:  I physically can see she's well.

She got what she wanted:  She can physically see that I'm alive (just). 

We both got what we wanted:  She and I know nothing about each other's love lives, family lives, and any chaos which made our (my) life a misery.

TBH that's as good as it's going to get for now. 

I have set myself 3 targets for 2014:  New home (done), My emotional and physical health back (5/10), New Job (not yet), a new relationship if I feel ready (I'm not close yet). 

Her targets?  She's BPD... .   She could manage the health one (and looks well, so that seems ok), and the relationship one (I DON'T WANT TO KNOW).  I just pray myself that the relationship move comes secondary to her treatment... .  

Not my business though... .   phew! 

[day2day]

Thanks, Diamond. I appreciate your detailed response!

The title of my post, grasping at straws, was in reference to my ex's behavior, not mine. It sounds like she'll resort to just about anything (mainly around the PERIMETER of her issues, that is) to try to find that elusive whatever-it-is that she hasn't found. Since I've discovered what BPD is like, my grasping at straws has been lessened considerably.

Reading between the lines a little, I gather that you feel less confident in a charismatic church than DBT! I smiled when I read that. (I've always been concerned that when one person hears voices, they call it psychosis, and when a group of people hears voices, they call it organized religion.)

Wood's Posse, hello again! I believe we've chatted on another thread. Thanks for your input. The one thing I'd want to discuss with you some more is I think there IS a difference between working on fixing a relationship and working on fixing a person. In the former, you are willing to admit that both people have some work to do, whereas in the latter, the focus goes strictly one way... . you're the defective partner: I'm the enlightened one, and I'm going to fix you! However well-intended that is, it's not a wise move.

Being in this r/s has made me contemplate long and hard some basic psychodynamic issues. Some examples:

 

When are you helping and supporting, and when are you trying to be a rescuer for the benefit of your incompleteness?

When are you being kind and caring, and when are you only giving that illusion because you want something?

Where do you draw the line between a want and a need in a r/s? Is there not such a thing as a "healthy" need? So often "neediness" is viewed as a strictly negative thing.

Up to what point is some selfishness good?

Is there ANYTHING in a r/s that can truly be considered an ultimately unselfish behavior?

What, really, is love when you consider that at some level our bodies and brains are a composite of chemicals colliding in countless ways and proportions totally unknown to our conscious selves, and sometimes subject to profound, beyond-our-complete-control change as our bodies, brains, and life experiences tack on the miles?

Is there ANY kind of "love" that psychologists can't break down into a pile of less than honorable pieces?

Reductionist thinking can really keep me awake at night if I let it! So many questions... . and are there really any answers? This is particularly concerning as the questions get bigger and bigger.

Time to go put a bag of ice cubes on my overheated skull! LOL.

I appreciate your feedback, and if any of you can tell me anything credible about philosophies and movements arising from Hindu gurus

that would be a bonus. I'm very leery of people who claim to have the "answer" to life who tend to charge a fee for it! 

[arn131arn]

Funny mine seems to be doing the opposite of what ya'lls is doing. Mine was a church-going girl every Sunday. Volunteering week nights to help watch the kids, going to counseling for her "co-dependency", being the good soccer mom, etc, etc.

Now since finding the replacement she does none of that. No church, no volunteering, no TRUE time for my son, and no more therapy. She has found someone, she is worthy and good enough, nothing wrong with her... .

She is cured!

Make sense?

[day2day]

Arn, can I assume you think she has BPD?

From where I sit, she just threw away everything she had going for her for the sake of having a good time. And if she's BPD, that won't last.

I'm very sorry about what you described because it will affect not only you but also your child and the volunteer groups she worked on behalf of.

At least you could end your post with a little dark humor.

[arn131arn]

I believe my son's mother has a personality disorder with heavy borderline characteristics. Yet, I had to learn through weeks of frustration and making myself crazy that the diagnosis nor the label matter really. Her behavior and mine is what I need to learn from and find truth in.

All of the cluster B's traits can present in all of us, it's to what extreme and frequency and how it effects their quality of life that matters most for the diagnosis.

I am not Christian, though respect those who are. He'll, after 35 years and a 14 year ride into a circus on LSD, I'm just finding spirituality and what some may say a "higher power".

I'm a baby when it comes to that, But I am loving it really.

It does suck about my son; but it makes me stronger being stronger for him!

Arn

[arn131arn]

Oh, funny how you tell me about the sense of humor. My P tells me that I use that to avoid confrontation and to show my inner feelings.

When confronted with confrontation, I tend to crack jokes and take light, and that could be good at times, maybe not so much at others?

Tell you the truth that's the last thing I'm working on with my P right now! Lol!

[day2day]

Interesting take on the humor thing, Arn. My T will sometimes stop me and say deliberately something funny just to get me down off the ceiling!

And it works!

Appropriate humor is a wonderful thing. And sometimes inappropriate humor is even better!

Made you laugh, didn't I?

Have a good night, and best of luck. Hang in there!