Opening Myself up to be Hurt Again...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have had little to no contact with my mother since her last rage at Christmas.  It has been a very peaceful place.

 

Still, I miss the good days that usually come in between.

 

She was so volatile at Christmas, that I can no longer trust her words and this is what I am battling still.

 

Yesterday, the young son of a family friend was critically injured.  I had to let my mother know. 

Now the door has once again been cracked open. 

She is missing me.  I know this is true, I have worked hard to be a great daughter 

I will try to keep my boundries.  I will work towards limiting my co-dependent ways and my extreme enmeshment.

The hurt is not healed and the pain is still raw, but for this day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and as my

friend lucyhoneychurch always reminds us, this is something I can count on to feed my spirit!

I am stepping cautiously into the minefield once again.

[Legacymaker]

I have had little to no contact with my mother since her last rage at Christmas.  It has been a very peaceful place.

 

Still, I miss the good days that usually come in between.

 

She was so volatile at Christmas, that I can no longer trust her words and this is what I am battling still.

 

Yesterday, the young son of a family friend was critically injured.  I had to let my mother know. 

Now the door has once again been cracked open. 

She is missing me.  I know this is true, I have worked hard to be a great daughter 

I will try to keep my boundries.  I will work towards limiting my co-dependent ways and my extreme enmeshment.

The hurt is not healed and the pain is still raw, but for this day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and as my

friend lucyhoneychurch always reminds us, this is something I can count on to feed my spirit!

I am stepping cautiously into the minefield once again.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Sometimes life demands we stand beside the minefield and have to figure a course - like when someone is hurt (I so hope this young person will be okay!) and need to inform our ubp'd parent... .

You've seen those amazing police or EOD soldiers who wear how many pounds of padded armor and that huge head covering to go anywhere near something that is likely to blow?

Sometimes it ends up being a harmless forgotten package - usually not.

They are dressed for the weather, so to speak

They are wary, smart about being afraid because IT COULD KILL THEM - fear is a healthy instinct in this case.

I so wish you wariness    and the ability to know that if your door had to open, you can close it again as soon as the threat seems to be too close.

Walk away.     even just emotionally.

I was thinking about emotional intimacy this weekend, the kind we have with loved ones, our kids, very good trustworthy friends, not just romantic kind... . it's so precious and so dear to those of us who have started our lives pretty much bankrupted in that department.

Guard your intimacy.   

Get all armored up - it's not paranoia, it's being savvy and careful.

Cheers.  Speaking of birds and sun - today is going to be one of those awesome spring days, but tomorrow it will drop by about 40 degrees as the day progresses - but no snow like I see on weather reports for us -

Devoured the sun yesterday.     it was delicious.

[StarStruck]

Hi Legacymaker

I will try to keep my boundries.  I will work towards limiting my co-dependent ways and my extreme enmeshment... .

... .

I am stepping cautiously into the minefield once again.

Like to lend my support - Good luck. It's a good opportunity to see how far you have come x

[Sitara]

Just remember, just because she's back in your life doesn't mean things have to go back to the way they were! Stay strong and hold up your boundaries!

[AsianSon]

Hi Legacymaker,

From your words, you are strong and resilient.

I agree with lucyhoneychurch that you should "strap on your gear" and be ready for the weather in case it happens.  You can practice (in your mind) for the contingencies, and remember that you are strong. 

Any "landmine" that blows up will not hurt you because the explosion will pass right through you and then you can look behind you and see the explosion moving away.   And you will remain whole.

You are not alone!  Strength and peace to you!

[Legacymaker]

So here is my update... . we made it 6 whole days before the first of the landmines exploded!

Basically, because I have allowed very minimal contact on fb, because I notified my mother of an injury to a family friend, she believed all was right in her world again and she could continue her abuse.

She immediately began sending me love notes about what an amazing daughter I am (this, after she expressed in her last rage that I need to quit saying I have been a good daughter and that I am a goody two shoes).

Yesterday, her enabling husband sent a text to my husband asking; why I am not speaking to her.  He wants me to know how much it is killing her and to remember she is not getting any younger (after all she is 70).  Of course I am also to remember she has health issues... . blah, blah, blah.  

GUILT TRIP!

My husband stood up for me and said, "he understood that everyone is worried about the impact this argument is having on my mom, but that he is more concerned right now about the damage that the verbal vomit has done to me and for the moment, I would be his priority."  

WOW, THAT FELT GOOD!

We have been mostly NC since Christmas.  The two times we have had contact, my mother continues to add to the reasons why she behaves the way she does.  All of these justifications lead to the same conclusion... . I am the fault.

The list is now over 35 years long!  I am beginning to understand I will never be able to please my mother.

The latest text continued to cover a 2 year period of my misgivings and how I never take responsibility for anything.  In actual fact, I spend every day trying to please every single person in my life.  Even after months of therapy, I am so enmeshed and co-dependent, that my therapist hasn't been able to get me to define what my own personal needs are.

After receiving still more accusations, my husband turned this latest text around and said this was a perfect example of why I am constantly on eggshells... . because I never know which behavior will continue to elicit her rages, temper tantrums and on-going accusations.

He also stated that we would no longer be revisiting the past, because we choose to live our lives in the moment and fill our days with positivity and happiness.

We got a final text from her husband, it simply read... . "ok".  

INTERESTING!  

I am very sure that this new behavior being shown by my husband and I, is throwing them both off.  They are not use to either of us fighting back or expressing our own concerns.

Still, it's been another hard day.  Logically I can see that every time I try to move forward, I am sucked back into the abyss and FOG.  I know that NC would and should be my answer.  I wish my head was more capable of making decisions and that my heart didn't ache for a loving mother... . the one who cherishes, respects and generally loves the person that I am.  I wish it could be different.

[Sitara]

So nice of your husband to stand up for you and congrats on both of you holding firm on your boundaries!

[AsianSon]

Congratulations to you and your husband!  It does not sound like it was easy, but at least both of you have set a boundary regarding the past.  (A quick note is that the boundary will be tested, and so enforcement of the boundary will be needed.)

I too wish for a different situation with my uBPD mother and enabling (maybe uNPD) father.  It weighs on me, but as I've read elsewhere on this site, we have to enjoy the times that are free of the BPD behavior, even if we have to learn to do so. 

Stay strong!