uBPDw threatens divorce.

[Moselle]

I'm new to the site and have spent most of my time in the undecided or improving the relationship sections, but it is becoming clear that a distinct possibility is divorce.

I've been separated from my uBPDw for 2,5 months now.

I have communicated my boundaries last week, but she had an experience of a person trying to get into her car at a traffic light, dysregulated and blamed it on me for not having enough empathy :-)

I was not willing to be blamed and listen to her abuse, and said I was taking two days of emotional space.

Her response was: "That will not stand in a court of law. In fact that will count heavily against you. This is over"

She went on to say "Get out of my life, I never want to see you again."

I don't know what she will do with this. Her family is pressing for divorce now, particularly her uBPD mother so she may decide to follow through.

I recognise how much damage she would try to inflict, and she has threatened that she will go public with things that will destroy me. I said "Go ahead, I'm not scare of that" Her imagination is vivid but I am concerned about what she may make up about me.

Are there any pointers of how to do damage control with a BPD spouse that opts for divorce and war?

[ugghh]

Everything you are hearing is standard operating procedure for pwBPD. 

1.  Get therapist for you to keep you on even keel.

2. Get EXPERIENCED attorney who has handled high conflict divorces.

3. Get a digital recorder that is always on when you are around her.

4. Stop taking legal advice from your soon to be ex - STBX.

5. Make a video of every room / contents in the house.

6. Stop being so noble.  Begin discussing the issues and warn family and friends that you are having issues.   If comfortable let your supervisor at work know as well - yes she will call your work.

7. After opening discussion with family / friends formulate escape plan  - you may need to eave on short notice.

[Moselle]

Thank You for the advice!

I have begun damage control by getting everything put into trust.

I do have a good lawyer - a friend.

I never realised how callous she could be. This disease is a horrible thing.

I have moved to a different city, so I am safe but I have 3 children who are stuck there. This is my greatest concern

[maxen]

6. Stop being so noble.  Begin discussing the issues and warn family and friends that you are having issues.   If comfortable let your supervisor at work know as well - yes she will call your work.

hi Moselle. i'm so sorry to hear about your situation. i'm divorcing my uBPDw so i have some sense of what you're going through. you seem to have taken excellent steps so far. if your concern is that she will fabricate and spread stories, or give her distorted version of things that really happened (which is what mine did), i think ugghh's advice is exactly right. she may or may not call your workplace but it's still important to have your supervisors in the know and on your side. i did that, and the response was better than i could have imagined. keep friends and family informed too. i didn't (i assumed nobody would believe what i had to tell) and crikey did i pay for it.

I never realised how callous she could be. This disease is a horrible thing.

and i never realized how self-centered and sadistic mine could be. i'm in shock about that and will be probably forever. she's so sick and her family and her T are such enablers.

[ugghh]

Moselle,

Not to seem overly critical, goodness knows we have all put up with that enough, but if you are so concerned about your kids, why have you moved away and left them?  They need you you more than ever.

[momtara]

The book SPLITTING by Bill Eddy is all about dealing with these things - get it!  Good luck.

[Moselle]

Ugggh,

I have had the opportunity of a lifetime to acquire a phenomenal company in our home town, where our families are, and where W and I grew up. We have been abroad for 10 years and then in a different city for 3.

The plan was for the children to stay in school for 6 months or a year until I had situated and arranged affairs in the home town.

Then Christmas hit and she went into meltdown for 4 weeks (raging, hitting me, going ballistic). We went to a marriage counselor who we've been seeing for three years, and she suggested a formal separation. So we did. My guess is she cannot tolerate me succeeding, she seems hardwired to prevent anybody around her doing well. My dream is there to be shattered, and I don't think she can control that destructive urge. She committed fraud twice last year, when I was having a very difficult time at work - seemed like self sabotage, and I like a good co-dependent jumped in to de-risk the fraud and negotiate the way out of it with the banks. SHe's a reputation risk to me, she's an everything risk to me. It seems her response to any kind of family stress is dysregulation or fraud or self destruction, and I don't ever seem to do enough. Each time she does something like this it's my fault.

I have flown back on average each two weeks to spend 2 days with the children.

[ForeverDad]

The problem with undoing the fraud damage is that you effectively enabled her to evade her consequences.  Odds are, without consequences, she'll do it again and again.

Why do you think that her fraud would cause you problems?  Perhaps if there is a divorce case in process, then her actions wouldn't reflect badly on you either professionally or in family court and it might make her likely demand to have majority parenting not get automatic approval.  Frankly, right now you're an alternate weekend parent and most courts are reluctant to change the status quo without evaluations or documented issues with child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps I ought to expand on that.  She's raised the issue of divorce.  She can get a divorce against your wishes - just as you can do similarly - that's just the way it is, no judge will force two people to stay married.  So really, if a divorce is inevitable, start planning and strategizing now, get your ducks in a row so to speak.  Don't be caught off guard or unprepared.  Check with lawyer (confidentially) perhaps in both countries to determine what each countries requires or allows.  I say confidentially because you do not share confidential information about how you think you might unwind the marriage.  So don't feel guilty and blab when being interrogated.  Loose lips sinks ships and all that.

For example, next time she does something fraudulent, let her face her consequences.  You might even be able to use that as basis to seek additional custodial authority or parenting time.  But do be aware that her behaviors with the children (parenting  behaviors) will have more weight in court than her behaviors and actions with you and other adults (adult behaviors).  So while you document both types, give more focus to the parenting (mis)behaviors.

[Moselle]

Thanks Forever Dad.

I'm caught up in the fraud because she signed a fraudulent insurance claim on my householders insurance for $20 000. They figured her out when she couldn't supply the serial numbers for the three professional cameras she claimed were stolen. Ironically, my wedding riing was one of the things on the list. I think she pawned it to feed the money addiction.

The first I knew was an email saying my cars and household insurance had been cancelled. It is still subjudice but I had my lawyers make it clear to the insurance company that they accepted her claim, though I was the principal policy holder.

I cringe when I think of what she might do next, but I can assure you I won't jump in. Her mother will though. She has already. She's the next co-dependent in line LOL

Great advice on not being caught off guard. Its one of the reasons I joined the divorce board. Thank you so much for your advice!