Subtlety

[arn131arn]

So, I met my son's mother 16 yrs ago. We worked at a bank together and became good friends. I dates a few of her friends that she would hook me up with and we really had a good friendship, laughing, joking, and being extremely goofy. It was playful, childlike almost, but allot of fun. At the time, no guards were up, no anger or resentment, just plain ok goofy fun between 2 friends.

She had one other serious relationship besides me, and she was dating him at this time. She had been seeing this guy for 3 yrs and was living with him.

One night after work she was waiting for him to pick her up. I was walking out of the bank and we were the only ones there. We both worked part-time as drive thru tellers.

I, being the white knight didn't want to leave a damsel all by herself at this hour with access to a major bank, so, I told her I would wait with her until her ride arrived.

"My boyfriend is not going to like you waiting with me at all.l

I refused to leave until he arrived. But now that I remember that event, and knowing how everyone in her family hated this guy (who moved all the way across the country), makes me think of my recent smear campaign, the fact that her family hates me now, and that she is probably saying the same thing to my replacement.

They broke up a few months later, he left her and she was heartbroken, but it's almost like she was on the devaluing stage with him during that time. We got together a few years later, while she went out had fun and did her thing.

Anyone else have these subtle thoughts after your relationships have ended?

[fromheeltoheal]

Ah yes, as we peel the onion more shall be revealed.  I was driving somewhere this morning using my GPS, and I flashed on how she used to hate that thing, and it took me a while to realize it was because in her head she was relinquishing control to that little box, and any kind of relinquishing control was problem.  I once told her I trust the pleasant girl with the English accent speaking to me out of the GPS, and she never gives me attitude, so I was going to listen to her instead of my ex.  That didn't go over well.

[Madison66]

My uBPD/NPD of 3+ years was separated when we met and got together.  She portrayed her stbx at the time as a narc with little regard for their three young kids.  He did cheat on her and leave the r/s.  The divorce process took 1.5 years of the time we were together.  As the process heated up, she would tell me how angry her ex was with her.  I used to scratch my head at why he'd be mad.  She didn't do him or his new wife any favors with what she said to the kids about them.  It really hurt the kids more.  Anyway, I think I get it now why he left for another woman and why he was so angry.  I definitely shared the need to get out after being worn down and understand the anger part.  So, it appears to me now that while he's not a perfect human being he also dealt with the same BPD/NPD traits and behaviors that I ultimately couldn't radically accept.  She had a replacement lined up with a week of my departure, so expect a new poster on this board in a year or two... .

[Pecator]

My uBPDex had a relationship that lasted about as long as ours. Only they were engaged. It bike off six months before we met.

Her narrative was that every thing was perfect until one day while painting their new home they bought together. He got cold feet and as she put it, dropped the paintbrush, said "i can't do this." and walked out the door. Almost three years and not even a proper good-bye. (pointing out the irony of how she ended us expectedly meant nothing to her).

A year or so into our relationship, I tripped up on some emails from that time. It seemed to suggest something different. I never brought it up because past was past.

Then a month before it ended (there were no clues it was ending) I had a heart to heart with her oldest son. I was living with them for a couple of months why my immigration and job thing was working out. I apologized for the times his mother and I broke up and my being in and out from time to time. He shocked me when he said, no big deal. It was no different than (the former ex). Apparently their relationship mirrored our quite a bit! I assured him that his mother and my relationship was different. We were committed and working hard at keeping a healthy and stable relationship.

A month later he met my substitute.

Oh how we like to kid ourselves.

[RecycledNoMore]

Ahh yes hth, the onion... .

About a year befor the bu, the exs grandmother died.The ex and I went to her tangi( funeral), the ex was of Maori descent.Tangis traditionally last 3 days.It was held in his grandmothers homeland, a tiny community of about 200 people in a very remote area of nz.

He Ignored me 80% of the time,went and hung out with his family, which I totally understood,I kept myself busy trying to help with the funeral preparations, food, laying of tables,peeling veges etc... . I did notice though, that his family,and extended family were quit cool with me.

Id offer to help, they would decline,Id try in vain to enter into conversation, theyd clam up.

I couldnt say anything to the ex bc it was neither the time or the place, and I knew what sort of response id get.

I couldnt leave,we had travelled with his sister and were out in the middle of no where.

I was totally and utterly alone.

The first nights dinner was held in a large hall.

My ex got his dinner,and sat down at a table not bothering to save me a seat.

I got mine and wandered around looking for a spare seat.I finally found one amongst his female cousins.They all fell silent,they looked at eachother,I heard a few snorts of dissaproval,then they ALL got up,about 20 of them and left me there,red faced and wanting to cry.The whole room was packed,and I sat there, alone.

I looked at my ex, he was laughing.

I knew that something was very wrong.

What I didnt know back then was

The smear campaign had already started,and I had no idea.

[mywifecrazy]

Ah yes, as we peel the onion more shall be revealed.  I was driving somewhere this morning using my GPS, and I flashed on how she used to hate that thing, and it took me a while to realize it was because in her head she was relinquishing control to that little box, and any kind of relinquishing control was problem.  I once told her I trust the pleasant girl with the English accent speaking to me out of the GPS, and she never gives me attitude, so I was going to listen to her instead of my ex.  That didn't go over well.

Laughing my freaking ass off! Thanks for chearing me up this morning. I had a bad night as I had to see my uBPDxw at my sons hockey game last night and to make matters worse my S9 was crying at night for his mom (she abandoned him, only sees every other weekend).

Your post was much needed medicine!

[itsnotme567]

Ah yes, as we peel the onion more shall be revealed.  I was driving somewhere this morning using my GPS, and I flashed on how she used to hate that thing, and it took me a while to realize it was because in her head she was relinquishing control to that little box, and any kind of relinquishing control was problem.  I once told her I trust the pleasant girl with the English accent speaking to me out of the GPS, and she never gives me attitude, so I was going to listen to her instead of my ex.  That didn't go over well.

the gps unit how she would beat it on the dash to get it to work and I'd say i'm glad you don't treat me that way. it was always my fault when it took us the long way to get somewhere. when it would not work for her one day she  tossed it out the window.

Just now  as i writing this i remember her telling me one day that she had purposely broke the plug so that i could fix it for her, that was when we just started going together.