A new hobby. How not to feel guilt.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I should know the the answer without putting it out there.

I am getting a nice work bonus check. I would like to spend a littel of it on my self and start a new hobby. I'd liek to get a guitar and learn to play. I have asked about this before when our tax refund came back and was made to feel guitly for not putting it into savings.

It will be difficult to find the time as it has always been when I want to do somethign that doesn't fully include her. Hunting, reading a book, watching a tv show when she doesn't want to wath any TV, etc.

Thats the challenge that stands before me. I'm looking for ways I can address this. I don't want to be selfish but its time I put for soem time for my self

[Cipher13]

I should know the the answer without putting it out there.

I am getting a nice work bonus check. I would like to spend a littel of it on my self and start a new hobby. I'd liek to get a guitar and learn to play. I have asked about this before when our tax refund came back and was made to feel guitly for not putting it into savings.

It will be difficult to find the time as it has always been when I want to do somethign that doesn't fully include her. Hunting, reading a book, watching a tv show when she doesn't want to wath any TV, etc.

Thats the challenge that stands before me. I'm looking for ways I can address this. I don't want to be selfish but its time I put for soem time for my self

[Want2know]

That sounds like a great thing to do with some of your refund.  I understand the issue, though.

Two things - getting her to accept this is what you want to do, and also allowing you to peacefully have some time to work your new hobby.

I see you are in couples counseling.  Do you think that bringing it up in counseling might be helpful?  Work through the issue with a 3rd party?

As far as letting go of the guilt, that is totally within your control.  As mentioned in the link to the right, embracing the realities, "The goal for us is to gain enough knowledge to understand the chaos we've been living with and what is likely going on."  Do you understand why she would put up a fight over this, in terms of BPD?  Perhaps that will help you approach her about your desire in a more compassionate way.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: This sounds like a great idea.  I play music, and I'm not sure how I would cope with uBPDw's behaviors without music as a way to relax and blow off steam.  It's verrrrry helpful to me, and it could be good for you too I expect.

You can get a really nice starter guitar for less than $500, so what I would suggest is telling your wife: "I'm ordering a guitar and planning to start lessons at the local music store."  Then book lessons at a set time each week, and your wife will always know what to expect in terms of your schedule.  Stay the course when she starts crazy-making over it because it will be worthwhile for your own sanity.  Make time to practice in another room while she is watching TV or sleeping (which is probably a lot of the time I would guess). 

This could be great for your sanity - I encourage you to go for it!

[maxsterling]

An interesting topic.  I've got plenty of hobbies; she has none.  My hobbies have been brought up by her as a secondary point during arguments, but never the source of an argument.  She has made positive and negative comments about my hobbies depending on her mood at the time.    But, I suspect that much of the time she is resentful of the hobbies.  She tells me of one other ex she lived with for a long period of time having a hobby in which he collected plastic figurines, and that she hated that.  The fact that she brings up this ex's rather innocent and inexpensive hobby is pretty telling about her overall attitude towards other people's hobbies.

I really don't think money is an issue here.  If your hobby cost 10 bucks rather than 500, it would not make a difference. She'd still make the issue over the 10 bucks, finding a way to make it much larger than it was.  And there is no way you can explain this to her to make her get it - because it really isn't about the money.  So saying you will give up something else in order to pay for it, or comparing the 500 to something she spends money on won't get you anywhere. 

Judging from how my BPDgf reacts to my hobbies and interests, I think the emotions your wife faces are probably:

1) She's doesn't understand how you can be happy doing something that does not include her because this is something she is incapable of herself. And if you are happy doing something without her, that means you don't need her, and will eventually figure that out and leave her. 

2) That you will somehow meet other women through this hobby and then leave her.

3) Loneliness - she can't entertain herself, so when you are off doing something else, she feels lonely. 

4) Jealousy.  She's jealous that you are happy.

I'm not sure the best way to deal with this.  So far I have had moderate success with:

1) encouraging my GF to do things on her own, or highlighting that the problem is with her.  So, when I am fixing to spend time on my hobby, she may ask, "what are you going to do tonight?"  I will reply enthusiastically, "work on this for about an hour, what are you going to do tonight?"  Somehow this helps her realize the problem is not that I have something to do, but that she has nothing to do, and she already feels this as a chronic problem for her.

2) make sure I tell her specifically how long I am going to be doing something and that I will have time for her after a certain time.  If she has to wonder when I will be done, that is very uncomfortable for her.

3)  Encourage her participation in your hobby so that it's not a "secret" hobby.  This can be as simple as sharing with her what I am doing or asking her opinion. "I've been trying this new technique, is this better or worse than the other way I do it?"

4)  Remind her that the hobbies help me relax and happier and make me more present for her in the long run.

I'm glad to hear you are considering doing something to make you happy.  Having hobbies has been a real lifesaver for me over the past year.  And remember - she may get agitated, but there is nothing wrong with having personal time or personal hobbies.   It's not your job to soothe her or satisfy every desire of hers.

[seeking balance]

I see you are in couples counseling.  Do you think that bringing it up in counseling might be helpful?  Work through the issue with a 3rd party?

This is a wise way to bring up a triggering subject and remember to use the validation tools for whatever she says she feels.

Validate her feelings; clearly state your truth and needs - don't negate what she feels nor placate it by changing your reasonable needs.

Regarding guilt that is not justified - sometimes we simply have to "sit" with uncomfortable feelings in order to change.  Changing for you is not going to feel comfortable either.

[mywifecrazy]

Get the Guitar!

I play guitar and sing. It is definitely a stress relief hobby. If she belly aches and complains get a pair of headphones too!

Maxsterling. It's weird how your pwBPD didn't have any hobbies either. I would always ask my uBPDxw what hobbies she had or what she liked to do. I didn't know anything about BPD. She could never answer me and it was sad. She would always just try to get into things I liked like fishing and actually asked me to teach her guitar. I guess that's the mirroring aspect of the disorder. By the way I couldn't teach her how to play the guitar because she would get MAD at me when I TRIED to instruct her.

[maxsterling]

@mywifecrazy - I don't think my GF could easily answer the question "what do you like to do for fun?"   It's interesting that this seems to be a common symptom of this disorder.  If I objectively look at all the things she has told me about that she likes to do or formerly liked to do, I see a mirroring explanation for almost all of them.  She blames depression for no longer doing things, but I think it more likely that she no longer does certain things because others that like those things are no longer in her life.  For sure she mirrors me, and for sure she mirrored exes and friends.  And I think this is a big reason she doesn't have consistent hobbies or interests in her life. 

[empathic]

My wife doesn't have any hobbies either, if you don't count talking to friends on the phone or meeting them. I think she considers hobbies a waste of time. She's a bit fixated on money, I think that plays a role in it as well - if a hobby somehow generated money she probably would do it.

If there was a way to get her interested in a hobby I'd sure go for it. The house is a lot more relaxing place in the evenings when she's occupied by something (like talking to a friend on the phone, or working on her computer).

[Cipher13]

My wife actually does have a hobby. Maybe its an obsession. She is a 7 day a week exerciser. She is a runner. I have gon to a few races with her to support her. She has been stressing about the test she is studying for. She has 2 interviews lined up that will require her to have passed this test at soem point. She has been studying for 6 weeks and has not been able to get about 70%. She has study guides and preactice tests and even done online research. I've never seen someone study so hard and consitantly remain at the same level.

She will take this out on me I'm sure. Even though I have been helping her when I can. She thinks we will have to move if she can't get one of these jobs. I don't want to move as it will be expensive. I am adding to my own knowledge bank in order to be more mobile with my career.

I have brought up my intrest a few times about my new hobby desire. It did not go down in flames. Then again it hasn't gotten close enough for my bonus to come yet.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: That's good to hear that initial discussions about your hobby have gone well.  Keep in mind that you don't really need her permission to do something beneficial for yourself.  Will you get your bonus paycheck soon?

For what it's worth, my uBPDw does not have a hobby either (which I always found strange before learning about BPD).  If a hobby is defined as something unnecessary that one spends a lot of time doing, I guess I could consider her hobbies to include drinking, shopping, and complaining.   

Actually things have been going very very well with my uBPDw lately.  I've been validating and normalizing her emotions at every opportunity.  Instead of unexpected blowups and accusations, recently, she has been making statements about her thoughts and feelings, followed by mildly hostile questions and requests for reassurance.  And intimacy has been relatively frequent... . good progress here, folks!

[maxsterling]

This thread makes me wonder - does anyone's pwBPD have a hobby?  By "hobby" I mean:

- something one doesn't have to do. 

- something one does primarily for fun, to make one happy.

- something someone as done for a significant portion of their life that is independent of their social contacts.

Just using those three criteria, the only possible hobbies I can see my GF having are watching TV or movies.  I hear of other people on here whose pwBPD have a few things such as playing music that they like to do.  I could list reading as a hobby of my GF because she has lots of books, but in the year I have known her I have never seen her read.  She also has some art supplies, but again I've never seen her use any.  Then again, she uses TV more to kill time than anything else.  I'd be so much more comfortable in this r/s if she just had one thing that she did on her own that made her happy.  If she had that one thing I would not feel so much like I am her sole source of happiness.   

[mywifecrazy]

Not only didn't my uBPDxw have her own ideas or hobbies but she tried to take on my likes and hobbies... . such as: Fishing, guitar, Tennis, Church, etc. now that she has painted me black she has no interest in any of these things. As a matter of fact I can pinpoint when she started cheating on me as the time she lost interests in MY hobbies and interests.

[Surnia]

Mh, its something interesting here in this thread: Making changes while being in a relationship. It may be a hobby or something else, like style of haircut or whatever.

When I think back to my relationships I had to deal with guilty feelings about changes. Somewhere in my brain it seemed to be forbidden to change something when you are in a relationship. When I look at my parent's relationship, I can understand that in some way. Or I remember my mother's reaction when my brother or I came home with tinted hair. 

And it was a topic in my now divorced marriage, my h was not able to search work - he is doing the work now he spoke sometimes about, was never able to apply during marriage. I tried to encourage him, without success.