What do you make of this e-mail

[Enoughforme]

A little back story: My mother is downsizing and getting rid of things, last week she told me she wanted to get rid of all the pictures she had. She told me she called my uncles to see if they were interested in the family pictures. I told her I would be interested in looking them over and she actually said: I am not offering them to you. I let that slide……… Then Saturday she called sounding upset that neither of my uncles called her back to let her know if they wanted them. Again I expressed interest in seeing them, again she told me that she was not offering them to me. That she would rather have my father toss them away at the dump.  She even said all the pictures of my as a child growing up she was going to toss. I could not hold my tongue I am/ and was so hurt. I just said I am done and hung up. She did try to call my cell phone but I have not answered in two days. She did e-mail me this:

Why would YOU what pictures of people you don't  even really know?   Do you remember , my aunts?  Do you remember Grandpa  or Grandma l? What did you THINK!  you heard me say?   I Kept the ones with Grandma  and MY Dad, AND SPECIAL pictures of the family and the ****. and AUNT AND uncle y.   Would.t YOU rather have pictures of people that YOU ACTUALLY KNOW?    People you went to school with.  I did really did not know you wanted those pictures.  Any pictures you want from 1970 to now , with the exception with the ones I wish to keep, YOU can have.     You will have come and sit with dad and I, so we can see witch pictures you really want. Upon our approval, there may pictures of mike and pat we want.



She is using the I heard her wrong…. Yeah right…... I does care if they were pictures of the grass who says to a human being I am not offering them to you and would rather toss them in the dump.


What is you opinion?

[lucyhoneychurch]

It's a hurtful game, isn't it? we are asked a question or told something (your mom is going to call uncles about pix or else send them to dump)... . and we say, Oh no please, may I see them and maybe get a few/some?

If we were talking to more normally thinking folks... . i don't imagine we'd be run in little tight circles like this.

I have always felt so bad for those little ponies I remember at roadside fairs... . on a wheel and kids would climb on... . and hours and hours of just walking in circles with some unknown little person kicking you and yanking on (if there were any) reins... . and mules that used to be on similar wheels for making cane syrup in the south... . or turning grindstones for meal in a mill... .

My point being - humans don't like feeling that we are being trotted in circles.

I had to learn not to chase the carrot. Family photos or heirloom type items? and I am asked if I would like them years ago? I learned to say, Oh wow, thanks but no... . and give no explanation for refusing them. The few times I got excited and said, oh yes please, I'd love aunt x's old linens or storybooks or whatever... .

Snarky remarks about someone else had dibs already... . or someone else had been closer to said aunt - anything to *invalidate* my saying I would enjoy having them and using them.

I'm very sorry for you about these pictures.

What I did, and you can too - I  bought up old family photos in junk stores and I love ones especially of children in starchy old stiff Sunday best in a studio at the turn of the century - or family patriarch/matriarch ones of a family on a porch and the children sort of pour down the steps so stiffly.

You can substitute something for nothing, is what I mean. If you are left empty-handed, fill your home with discarded old sweet things that need a place to be.

It works for me and friends ask who someone is in a sepia-toned portrait and it's fun to say, I have no idea but I wish I knew - isn't she something else? (either because she's a beauty or one hell of an old witchy poo!)

good luck carefully treading landmines like these. best response might be that you are sure she knows someone who would really enjoy having them. This always worked with my late mother. It made her sound like everyone's fairy godmother and got her out of my face about why I suddenly wasn't interested in something. My inner thought was always, You don't think I am really falling for that again do you?

We're suckers only when we allow ourselves to be.    and I mean that as having been one all my life.

Never too late to learn.  

Edited to add - micromanaging - look how she harangues you about why you would possibly even consider photos of someone you didn't know - wow yes none of us on this planet have paintings or pictures of long- ago relatives or ancestors. that's an odd requirement, that you had to know them personally. And the idea of you having to sit like a child and be guided through which ones you want... .

Control control control.

Add freak to that too... . control freak.

I hope you have a good day

[Sunnys Blues]

Why would YOU what pictures of people you don't  even really know?   :)o you remember , my aunts?  Do you remember Grandpa  or Grandma l? What did you THINK!  you heard me say?   I Kept the ones with Grandma  and MY Dad, AND SPECIAL pictures of the family and the ****. and AUNT AND uncle y.   Would.t YOU rather have pictures of people that YOU ACTUALLY KNOW?    People you went to school with.  I did really did not know you wanted those pictures.  Any pictures you want from 1970 to now , with the exception with the ones I wish to keep, YOU can have.     You will have come and sit with dad and I, so we can see witch pictures you really want. Upon our approval, there may pictures of mike and pat we want.



What is you opinion?

That email is a PERFECT example of the twisted manipulation BPD's love to use!  You have to wait for her "approval?"  Really?  Those of us who are not BPD can understand why you want pictures of extended family members- how sad the BPD person in control of the pictures can't understand it. 

The sheer manipulation is what's so sad about the entire situation.

[beatup]

She is trying to get you to engage... . Ignore, ignore, ignore.

My uBPDsis wrote my brother and I that she had decided to give Dad's wedding ring to our nephew. She said it belonged to her and she could do what she wanted with it. My brother was ok with that but I expressed that I wanted to wear it and that I would honor her wish and see that the nephew got it when I die. Her answer was that she had decided she would keep it.

It is a mean game they play and I am not playing anymore... . and I don't think your uncles want to play either.

[Sunnys Blues]

She is trying to get you to engage... . Ignore, ignore, ignore.

My uBPDsis wrote my brother and I that she had decided to give Dad's wedding ring to our nephew. She said it belonged to her and she could do what she wanted with it. My brother was ok with that but I expressed that I wanted to wear it and that I would honor her wish and see that the nephew got it when I die. Her answer was that she had decided she would keep it.

It is a mean game they play and I am not playing anymore... . and I don't think your uncles want to play either.

My oh my. It's like BPD people sit down, and draw up a chart of how they can divide people, and upset them!  I know they don't actually do it; the disease gives them the ability to do this without prior planning!

[Legacymaker]

I love photos and the stories that they tell.  Your post brings up two memories for me.

I have very few photos of myself as a child (like less than a dozen). My father abondoned me when I was 3 and my brother was 18 months.

I didn't really see him again until I was around 14 and then again at my wedding when I was 19.   I am the first born.  My mother always said that she had kept the traditional "baby" book for me, but that it had been stolen.  I never saw it.

Long story, I am now my father's guardian.  At around age 40, he brought me two photo albums (still not sure if these were the stolen one). He had carried these around in his car his entire life (and they looked it).  In it were my baby pictures!  I actually didn't recognize the child at all!  He promised that at his next visit, I could copy the pictures and repair the albums.  That day never happened.  One day he went to church.  He had the albums in a tupperware box, in the back of a pickup truck.  It was pouring with rain.  He forgot to close the back gate and hit a bump.  As he drove, the box fell out, the contents spilled.  He describes seeing all of this happen through his rear view mirror, but not being willing to go out in the rain to retrieve the photos. Some of the church members were able to salvage a few photos from the puddles, but none were of me.  Anyway, the document of my life is gone once again.

This put me on a major mission to preserve all family photos.  I also have an uNPD who is terrific at finding my weak points. He knows that I am the keeper of memories and he is very jealous of the stories that I have collected.  He has been in and out of my life and cut my uBPD mother off many times.  He is currently the Golden Child and I am the Scapegoat (our roles have recently reversed).  Suddenly he is making it his mission to aquire "the original family photos" upon my mothers death. My mother remarried and we lived in an angry, abusive, alcoholic environment.  There are still very few photos of us as children.  Most of our family photos are of two sad looking children, forced to pose and pretend all is normal.  Generally, they cause a lot of anxiety in me but they still they represent my "story".   I anticipate my mother will cave into my brothers demands and will, will the pictures to him.  I started scanning all the photos into my own computer just so I will have them if this ends up being the case. 

Maybe you can "borrow" the box of photos and scan just what you want.  The other thing you might consider is to go completely around your mother.  Start asking the uncles and other relatives to send copies of anything that is important to you.  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  I agree with "beatup"... . she is trying to get you to engage.  Disengage as best you can.

[busybee1116]

Work on SET or EAR if you can. She is trying to provoke you.  Disarming works really well with my mom. For example, in answer to the "why would you want pics of people you don't even remember?" you could answer: "You're right, it may seem strange to want to see photos of people I don't remember or know. But these people are important to you and our family, I'd love to hear stories and go through pictures with you someday." I somehow managed recently to get ALL the family photos from my mom on the promise that I would scan and return them. I can't believe she let me do it. I need to stick to my promise and get to it... .