Changing the status of your relationship?

[misty_red]

My pwBPD (for only two months, but have know her for a year now) told me from the beginning that she didn't like classical relationships. Which means the "clingy" ones. Also she doesn't wanna marry people, live together. The things you do in the so called "normal" relationship. I for myself also don't like the classical ones. Which means I'd still like to have my own life, a personal haven, that I don't have to hang out every day with my significant other. Things like that.

When we decided to get together I wasn't sure wether it would be good to really call it a relationship hence to these things. It's not that I wanted to have things going on with others as well - I am very faithful, loyal and don't cheat. Still I was a bit afraid about the term relationship. So we said we would see where this goes. A few weeks after we got together I asked her what that is between us. I wanted to be sure. I wanted to know the "rules" between us. So is aked her "So, are you unofficially my girlfriend?" and she said happily: "Yes. You are my same sex life partner - as they would say politically correct." It felt good, I liked it and rarely got afraid (sometimes I feel a kind of disgust towards my partner - I think it's because they like me and because I sometimes am disgusted of myself, but that happens very rarely and I make sure I don't show it - it also appears within only a few hours).

Then her first episode of isolation came on. I knew something was up. Wrote her if something was wrong, if I should leave her alone, she didn't reply first. On my birthday she wrote me a message saying "Happy birthday" and I got kinda angry 'cause she didn't say a word about my other messages. I asked her ":)o you know what you are doing with your behaviour?" (I didn't yet know about her problems). I also asked her blandy if she wanted me to break up with her. I did not ask in a blackmailing kinda way, like in saying "If you don't behave well I will break up with you." It really was an honest question 'cause some weeks before she told me that she never breaks up with people and waits for them to do it because she can't. So I just wanted to know if this was that kind of moment. But she didn't want me to. She wanted to talk and a few days after we did. She told me that sometimes there are episodes were she can't stand people and she wanted to be alone because other wise she would've said things to me she didn't really mean. It was fine for me. It was her life and she could do whatever she wanted with it. That's what I told her. I also told her that she has the right to look after her and do what she thinks is best for her. But I also wanted her to tell me the next time. She said yes.

One exact month later the same thing happened - out of the blue. We were writing about meeting this week when I told her that this one day wouldn't be too good because I had to work very long and it would be too stressfull and asked for another day to meet and only a few minutes later she told me "No, this would be simply too much this week." First I didn't understand this as another episode because she told me she would tell me. I know she did, I just expected a "I'm in another episode"-thing and I know it's my fault I didn't understand because of my aspergers. People need to tell me exactly what's up otherwise I don't get it. So I got it all wrong, thought it was because of me being too intense (while I really am not - I always tell her if meeting up is too stressful we could do it another time an things like that).

A few days no messages, then finally she told me "I already told you about my episodes. I can't and don't want to talk about it again and again." I told her she didn't need to and that I only was confused. Then she only replied with: "So I hope this is clarified for a while now." So I said "I'm sorry for the weekends being so intense. I'll restrain for the future." I didn't mean it in a defiant way. I really meant it. I also said: "Maybe it's better if you let me know when you want to hang out and then we hang out. So I obviously know when you want to be on your own." Thing was: in the beginning she was the one to ask to hang out, then it was always me and it felt weird for me. I didn't want to pressure her so I decided it would be better to give her the control she obviously wants and needs. I know this could be misunderstood in saying "I'm angry with you. I won't write you again because that you did as well. Now it's your turn. I want you to show you're not important to me anymore." But I didn't mean it like that. I really just wanted her to show that I respect her freedom. She replied with: "Ok."

A few days later (today) she wrote me being "the old one" and asking if I was fine.

The thing now is: emotionally I still have feelings to say I want a relationship with her. But it doesn't feel like one. We used to write messages when we didn't see each other (we saw each other every Saturday to Sunday) - not every day, but every other day. Sometimes we even met within the weeks - but only because I asked (which was fine for her, she always said she wanted to see me as well). Now this is the first week I won't ask her because I want her to decide on her own. I don't know if she's going to ask me or not. Again, it's not some kind of game I want to play. I don't like these games when people won't get in touch with somebody only to get a reaction. So assumed she won't ask or won't ask very often that means we have different expectations about the relationship. To be honest for me it then would feel more like a "friends with benefits"-thing.

But it wouldn't be good to suggest this, right? I mean, I want a relationship but I also think only the name of it raises a lot of expectations - maybe some she's afraid of. But suggesting it could also mean abandonment for her, right? Maybe for her it still feels like a relationship, but not for me?

I don't want to run away from her. I only want to make it easier for her. I know I'm the only one she trusts in - not fully, but in some parts. And she also accepts my aspergers unconditionally.

So yeah, what to do? To leave it at that? Suggesting some kind of relationship without too much severity? Or should I just talk about what I feel like about all of this? Should I tell her to find a psychologist (she's very defensive about these topics... . )? What would you do?