Anyone know of any resources for sibling rivalry as a result of child abuse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I have been reviewing some things from my childhood that have carried over into adulthood. I was looking for a book or article that discusses the affects of child abuse by a parent that leads to sibling rivalry. Two of my siblings, sisters, have pretty much hated me since childhood because of the special attention I received, but at a heavy price. This attitude has continued into adulthood, and I don't know what to do. They have both made statements as adults that I was treated better and was special. I reminded them that I was the child and not in control of what my parents did. My father molested me, so I don't qualify this as special treatment. Is there any literature that discusses the dynamics between siblings when this happens?

Thanks for any help. 

[clljhns]

Hi all,

I have been reviewing some things from my childhood that have carried over into adulthood. I was looking for a book or article that discusses the affects of child abuse by a parent that leads to sibling rivalry. Two of my siblings, sisters, have pretty much hated me since childhood because of the special attention I received, but at a heavy price. This attitude has continued into adulthood, and I don't know what to do. They have both made statements as adults that I was treated better and was special. I reminded them that I was the child and not in control of what my parents did. My father molested me, so I don't qualify this as special treatment. Is there any literature that discusses the dynamics between siblings when this happens?

Thanks for any help. 

[HappyChappy]

clljhns - (ignore my spelling) You might want to read up on Triangulation and the Golden Child (GC). This treatment is designed to create syblin rivalry. There is also a thing called syblin rivalry syndrome. But based on how you describe your farther, the former is where I'd start.

My BPD Mom used triangulation on us, my old Bro is the GC and also a Covert Narcassist. His rivalry is rampant. He kicked me out of a moving car when we were kids, stole all my ventolins and worse. So it can be quiet bad. The family described his appauling behaviour away as sybling rivalry - my fault for making him jellous (at aged 50). But in truth humans normal grow out of these rivalries. If this is still alive in adulthood you're right to look into it. Good Luck.

[clljhns]

Thank you Happy Chappy! It was very helpful!

[isshebpd]

I'd like to learn more about this too. I'm trying to see things through my siblings' eyes.

I've always been proud of my sister, even though I didn't like being compared to her by our parents. That's not her fault, though. She really did excel at everything and has done well in life despite our family problems. The only thing she did to upset me growing up was being a tattle-tale. But I suspect a lot of little sisters did that.

I have a more difficult relationship with my GC brother. Since I'm eight years older, he has never been a physical threat (not now either) but he always has a dismissive attitude towards me. I never inherited the "geek gene" so my math skills are a bit above average while his are through the roof.

When I was in my teens, I wasn't much of a big brother. I was out all the time, constantly avoiding my family as much as possible.

When we were both in our 20s, we shared apartments (along with my wife) and I always ended up the one who talked with the landlord... . at the landlord's request. My brother was upset when we decided to stop sharing apartments with him. While I respect his hurt feelings, some of his behaviour was not acceptable or respectful.

Being the GC is a huge burden. Both our parents poured a lot of their own goals into my brother, after my sister and I left the nest. While I don't want to be around him much, I'm starting to understand his point of view.

[Islandgrl]

Hi cljhns

I don't know of anything (I'm still quite new to all of this) but I think it's definitely an important issue and I hope you can do some useful work on this.  I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child.  My older sister was also the golden child but from time to time she would also face my uBPD mothers wrath.  In response to my mother's behaviour, my sister bullied me and my brother bullied her!  In retrospect, my sister was pretty nasty and still has her moments and my brother could be violent but was generally anxious and quiet.  I don't blame either of them now for their behaviour as they were children and it was my parents fault.  Also, my scapegoating gave me the ability to distance myself from my mother and her crazy ways, my sister still has my mothers hatred and venom and has never married or had children or done very well career wise.  My brother has fared better but is still very quiet and depressed.  So I think even though I got it worse, I ended up better. 

[clljhns]

Islandgrl,

Check out this website: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/forms-of-abuse.html. I found lots of helpful information about triangulation of siblings through the mother. This pretty much sums up what I experienced. My oldest sister is GC, while other sister and brother were scapegoats. I was fathers GC, so the triangulation in my family was pretty complex. Once scapegoat sister and brother were gone, I became the scapegoat. I am actually glad that my mother chose me the next in line to get rid of. I feel fortunate that I am able to be apart from the insanity and begin to heal and have a peaceful life. There is a reference in an article on the website that talks about how fortunate scapegoats really are, as they do escape the insanity. Unfortunately, the GC will remain. This is true for my oldest sister, who is so completely enmeshed with mother that she has no true identity. Only what my mother tells her she is. Really sad, but at the same time, I get she is making a choice.

Hope you find the website helpful.

Peace and blessings. 

[HappyChappy]

The following link covers the four types of syblins that can arrise:

www.lightshouse.org/lights-blog/the-four-dysfunctional-family-roles#axzz31fonxKzL