Succes with using Understanding the BPD Mother techniques?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I recently started reading Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/christine_lawson.htm. Very eye-opening book. My mother very clearly falls into the Waif and Hermit types, with occasional (thankfully rather mild) Witch behavior. I underlined nearly half of those two sections, because the descriptions of the behavior was uncannily accurate.

I wondered if anyone else has read the book and had success using the techniques outlined towards the end of the book with dealing with the different personality types?

The reason I ask is that she writes that to help the Waif mother (and to protect yourself) it is important to stop the rescuing behavior and to reinforce the belief in herself that she is competent and capable of making her own life choices. My therapist has been urging me to take a very different course of action though, such as having my mother declared incompetent,  or taking control and making phone calls/setting up things that she isn't doing herself. Intuitively, I've felt resistant to doing this, for a variety of reasons, but mainly because it seems like it's just reinforcing the behavior in a way.

I think I'm going to try some of the techniques in the book, but was interested to hear others experiences.

[Lily77]

I recently started reading Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/christine_lawson.htm. Very eye-opening book. My mother very clearly falls into the Waif and Hermit types, with occasional (thankfully rather mild) Witch behavior. I underlined nearly half of those two sections, because the descriptions of the behavior was uncannily accurate.

I wondered if anyone else has read the book and had success using the techniques outlined towards the end of the book with dealing with the different personality types?

The reason I ask is that she writes that to help the Waif mother (and to protect yourself) it is important to stop the rescuing behavior and to reinforce the belief in herself that she is competent and capable of making her own life choices. My therapist has been urging me to take a very different course of action though, such as having my mother declared incompetent,  or taking control and making phone calls/setting up things that she isn't doing herself. Intuitively, I've felt resistant to doing this, for a variety of reasons, but mainly because it seems like it's just reinforcing the behavior in a way.

I think I'm going to try some of the techniques in the book, but was interested to hear others experiences.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks for the tip.

[BreatheDeep]

I think that was one of the recommended books that my library doesn't have.

Keep us posted on how the book's techniques work. I'd be interested. If it's good I'd even buy the book.

I just picked up from the library today a book by Randi Kreger called The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. It's interesting, it is published in 2008 but the book looks like it's been read a million times!

[AsianSon]

The reason I ask is that she writes that to help the Waif mother (and to protect yourself) it is important to stop the rescuing behavior and to reinforce the belief in herself that she is competent and capable of making her own life choices. My therapist has been urging me to take a very different course of action though, such as having my mother declared incompetent,  or taking control and making phone calls/setting up things that she isn't doing herself. Intuitively, I've felt resistant to doing this, for a variety of reasons, but mainly because it seems like it's just reinforcing the behavior in a way.

Hi Lilly77,

Thank you!  Your message made me realize that I should go back to that book and "re-learn" its contents with all the things I've learned here.  Definitely a good idea. 

I think the techniques in the book include "individualization" of the child as a focus.  So the "Waif" section talks about putting the responsibility for the BPDm back on the mother.  I think this helps the child become more "individualized," and the same can happen if the mother is declared incompetent and placed under separate care. 

I think you are correct in that your T's urging to "take control and make phone calls" would be the opposition of individualization (unless they are limited to only the steps for having your mom declared incompetent). 

I have been reluctant to use the "I am... . " then "I will... . " then "I won't... . " format (in the book) with my BPDm because her strong tendency toward anger and rage will likely come out in response to any kind of individualization or separation. 

Instead, I have been trying the SET method where the Truth can be a boundary if I choose.  I think SET supports individualization because as the child, I am not giving into my mom's views or demands. 

Now that I have re-read parts of the book, I think the "I am... . " then "I will... . " then "I won't... . " format can be in the Truth to whatever extent I think is right.  So thanks again for leading me back to the book! 

A

[MSE1081]

Does anyone know/direct me to resources regarding having a parent who is BPD? I believe that my mother has BPD... . and I would like to know if I can read up on it.

Thanks!

[HappyChappy]

Lilly77 you pose an excellent question. I have used some techniques with my BPD. There was some small short term value, but nothing that stuck. She is very high on the spectrum. The advice I've had, from the medical profession, has been there is no cure, only containment.

I understand that it's normal to want to reach out to a Mom. But I'm lucky - due to the abuse, I lost all love for my BPD Mom before leaving home. BPD are poison to our mental health, so in my case can't see any point trying with her. A small improvement in the BPD, with a big cost to me - sounds like the bad old days.

Almost all the advice I've had is to avoid. But then my BPD Mom isn't your BPD Mom. Since her diagnosis I have now lost most of my fear.  I believe you need a lot of exposure to the BPD to make any progress - and they need to except the diagnosis, and attend the therapy. If they don't except the diagnosis, why would they change ?

[Lily77]

Sorry for the delay in writing--thanks for all of your replies!

I just picked up from the library today a book by Randi Kreger called The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. It's interesting, it is published in 2008 but the book looks like it's been read a million times!

I'm reading that book too at the moment--I got that one first, and then switched to Understanding the Borderline Mother, so I need to get back to it! The first chapters were very helpful in confirming that my mother is a high-functioning Borderline, but I need to delve more into the chapters about how to interact and deal with the relationship.

I think the techniques in the book include "individualization" of the child as a focus.  So the "Waif" section talks about putting the responsibility for the BPDm back on the mother.  I think this helps the child become more "individualized," and the same can happen if the mother is declared incompetent and placed under separate care. 

I think you are correct in that your T's urging to "take control and make phone calls" would be the opposition of individualization (unless they are limited to only the steps for having your mom declared incompetent). 

Now that I have re-read parts of the book, I think the "I am... . " then "I will... . " then "I won't... . " format can be in the Truth to whatever extent I think is right.  So thanks again for leading me back to the book! 

A

Thanks, AsianSon. I visited my mother last week and used the SET technique, and just tried to view our whole conversation/interaction from the perspective of not reinforcing the Waif/Hermit-y behavior. Part of the problem I've been having is that she's in a really bad financial situation at the moment and hasn't really been making plans for what's going to happen next. Hence, my T saying "well, make the plans/calls for her." A part of me thinks that my mother goes into Waif mode to get attention (these episodes always seemed perfectly timed around when someone is pulling away, or moving on with their life). So this past weekend, I tried to be sympathetic, but I did not immediately come rushing with suggestions or offering to help. I also very clearly said, I am able to do X, but I can't do more beyond that, reinforcing boundaries that I had already set up. And using the advice from the book, I tried to encourage my mother and say that I know she'll be able to handle the situation.

The visit went okay, although I got very triggered when she went into Hermit mode and started lecturing me about my personal safety and some perceived carelessness on my part (it was completely overblown paranoia). The UTBM book suggests that you not belittle or ignore the Hermit's fear. I felt so completely suffocated though when she started lecturing me that I just stood up and said "No, I'm sorry, we're not having this conversation." and started to leave. She continued trying to talk to me as I left and I just kept saying "No, sorry. Goodbye." Probably not the ideal reaction, but it's one of the few times that I've been entirely aware of the behavior and decided not to feed into it and participate in it, even if it meant just getting up and leaving. Normally, I was start trying to argue and reason with her. So progress I guess!

Lilly77 you pose an excellent question. I have used some techniques with my BPD. There was some small short term value, but nothing that stuck. She is very high on the spectrum. The advice I've had, from the medical profession, has been there is no cure, only containment.

Almost all the advice I've had is to avoid. But then my BPD Mom isn't your BPD Mom. Since her diagnosis I have now lost most of my fear.  I believe you need a lot of exposure to the BPD to make any progress - and they need to except the diagnosis, and attend the therapy. If they don't except the diagnosis, why would they change ?

Thanks, Happy Chappy. At this point, I don't really expect her to be cured (she's not even in therapy and doesn't think she has a problem) but I am seeing lots of ways that I've been reacting in the past that have probably made the situation worse.

[AsianSon]

The visit went okay, although I got very triggered when she went into Hermit mode and started lecturing me about my personal safety and some perceived carelessness on my part (it was completely overblown paranoia). The UTBM book suggests that you not belittle or ignore the Hermit's fear. I felt so completely suffocated though when she started lecturing me that I just stood up and said "No, I'm sorry, we're not having this conversation." and started to leave. She continued trying to talk to me as I left and I just kept saying "No, sorry. Goodbye." Probably not the ideal reaction, but it's one of the few times that I've been entirely aware of the behavior and decided not to feed into it and participate in it, even if it meant just getting up and leaving. Normally, I was start trying to argue and reason with her. So progress I guess!

Hi Lily77,

I can completely relate to feeling "suffocated" in situations like yours.  Have confidence in yourself as doing the right thing for you!

My BPDm does the same kind of thing, where everything can suddenly be a "teachable moment" for her to unleash "her concerns" about her children.  She has total disregard for the audience. 

My SET process are along the lines of me wanting to help with her concerns for me, understanding the "kernel of truth" that she cares about me (in her own way), and the Truth that the future will be fine.  Because her focus is on the past, using the Truth to move the focus to the future (and how her perceptions will not repeat) seems helpful. 

Have a good Sunday!

A

[Lily77]

My SET process are along the lines of me wanting to help with her concerns for me, understanding the "kernel of truth" that she cares about me (in her own way), and the Truth that the future will be fine.  Because her focus is on the past, using the Truth to move the focus to the future (and how her perceptions will not repeat) seems helpful.  [/quote]
Thanks for sharing your SET process, AsianSon. This is quite helpful!