Trying to feel alive but failing...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel like I should write masses but my head just won't work properly...

I split up from my ex a year ago and yet I feel no further forward...   I just seem to be existing in a horrible dark place that I can't get out of...   The last time he made contact was by far the worst as he convinced me that we should be back together.  Just as we were about to meet he cancelled.  That was two weeks ago and   I just can't lift myself out of the shock... . I cry all the time and just ruminate about what it would have been like if we had met.  I am so lonely.  It's like a horrible ache inside me that I just can't get rid of no matter what I do.  I just sit eating and watching mindless junk on the tv, anything to take it out of my head.  I have so much to do and yet I have absolutely no energy to do it...   I am unable to look in the mirror because I feel so horrible about myself...   God I read this and I wonder what the hell I am going to do. 

Spyralle

[Spyralle]

I feel like I should write masses but my head just won't work properly...

I split up from my ex a year ago and yet I feel no further forward...   I just seem to be existing in a horrible dark place that I can't get out of...   The last time he made contact was by far the worst as he convinced me that we should be back together.  Just as we were about to meet he cancelled.  That was two weeks ago and   I just can't lift myself out of the shock... . I cry all the time and just ruminate about what it would have been like if we had met.  I am so lonely.  It's like a horrible ache inside me that I just can't get rid of no matter what I do.  I just sit eating and watching mindless junk on the tv, anything to take it out of my head.  I have so much to do and yet I have absolutely no energy to do it...   I am unable to look in the mirror because I feel so horrible about myself...   God I read this and I wonder what the hell I am going to do. 

Spyralle

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, big hugs to you.  :)o you really believe (with the cancellation and all) that anything would be different?  Can you imagine spending a few good days only to have it all go poorly for something you don't even recognize as negative?  

I know this is hard, I'm where you are right now in some ways, the longing is still there but not as intense.

I'm lonely too, and so, I give into that and then force myself to do something outside, or to do a chore I dislike.  I honestly do not want to waste my life grieving for someone who couldn't care less about me.

I wish you some peace today and that you can do something proactive to ease your pain.

CiF

[dontknow2]

Spyralle,

I am sorry for the constant aching that won't go away. I can't believe how long the pain has lasted for me. I find contact with my ex stirs up my emotions and puts me back at the beginning no matter how much time has past... . My heart breaks EVERY time my candle of hope for us flickers and then gets stomped on. Unfortunately, my ex has no problem heading down a known path where he knows I'll just get hurt; so it is me who has to stop the cycle.

When I am at my lowest, I have to just sit with my emotions however long that takes (days, weeks). When I find the emotions are not as disabling, I find taking it 1 step at a time is the only way to avoid being overwhelmed or feeling worse. I might just take a 5 minute walk or do the dishes that day. Each day, I will only do 1 small thing unless I am ready for something else.

Please take very good care of yourself. 

[letmeout]

I honestly do not want to waste my life grieving for someone who couldn't care less about me.

That statement really hits the nail on the head! Maybe you should print it out and tape it to your computer for inspiration to find people that have the ability to care.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Spyralle,

I've read your backstory and I'm really sorry about your breakup.  You have been through a lot, and your pain is very understandable.   So many of us can relate.

Be gentle with yourself.  The grieving process is hard.  Treat yourself with TLC as much as possible now.  Do you have supportive friends and family you can reach out to? 

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but these feelings do pass.  The symptoms associated with these kinds of breakups can feel like drug withdrawal.  We've been there, Spyralle, you are not alone.   

You can get through this.  We're here for you. 

[Spyralle]

Thank you so much to all of you for listening.  I feel so alone and that is what is so crushing...   I do have friends but they are all in relationships and all tend to be doing their own thing at the weekends.  I find weekends excruciatingly painful.  They are the times that we spent together.  Even though when I think back so many of them were spent in pain...   They would start off ok and then I would say something wrong...   and then I would spend the rest of it begging him basically to love me...   By the time Monday came I would be exhausted...  

I keep finding things he has taken... .   He took incidental things that I would discover later on.  Things that would make my life difficult.  For example my driving licence...   the sunglasses out of my case... my sat nav... and now I have discovered my car service record is missing just as I need it... He once told me he does this so I will think of him... . It's horrible... .

I feel useless and helpless at the moment...   sick and tired and totally isolated...   The silence goes around and around in my head.  I feel completely unable to do anything... I don't want to give it to this as it terrifies me.  It really does help to listen to others though...   at least it makes me want to try ...

Spyralle xx

[Eric1]

I've just read your back story & it pretty much sums up my relationship.

Everything started off so quickly and I couldn't believe I actually found my soulmate, only for it to quickly evaporate.

We broke up nearly a year ago for the 'final time' & have still had a further two recycles . The last ending only this week. It has got my nowhere. I'm still idolizing her and being treated like crap. She's been Triangulation & she's now gone back to him. I'm left picking up the last dregs of pride and emotional well being from the gutter.

Going back really does get you know where. I know how you feel, I still want to go back.  I want her to contact me or for us to finally make it all work out. But, it's not going to happen. The best thing I can suggest is to do is read. I'm buying a book tomorrow on trauma bonds, because I think that's what it is. No one I know would put up with the crap and turmoil I have.

[Spyralle]

So sorry to hear that Eric.  It's rubbish isn't it.  I remember sitting on my sofa a few months after he had left.  We were seeing each other again.  He wanted to come around and I was hoping he would change his mind even though I couldn't bear to let him go...   I remember feeling so stuck...   helpless... just so deeply entangled with him that I had no say anymore.  I know it will never work and I still desperately want him to get in touch.  It's the horrible paralysed feeling I have now that I can't stand.  I feel unable to do anything to help myself.  When he left I read everything I could on BPD but now I have trouble focusing on anything.

Spyralle x

[LettingGo14]

When he left I read everything I could on BPD but now I have trouble focusing on anything.

Spyralle x

Spyralle-- I am very sorry you are suffering right now.  Many of us have felt the same way.  I never knew greater darkness or despair, and this experience stripped me to my core.   Some thoughts of encouragement for you:

1. We can start, slowly, to reclaim ourselves.  It's not easy -- there are steps forward and steps back -- but we can begin with intentions.  For example, I have written intentions for myself as follows, at various times:

---I accept my relationship is over.

---I take responsibility for my emotions.

---I am enough.

---I am free.

2. We can experience our emotions, by ourselves.  I used to "need" (or so I thought) to reach out to my ex-girlfriend for validation.  Most times, I ended up feeling worse.  Learning about BPD merely allowed me to accept I could not do anything to fix things.  I needed, instead, to walk back toward myself.   I had to learn how to process emotions like loneliness, fear, grief, and heartache on my own.  I started to meditate, and breathe, and read about radical acceptance, and post here.   Little by little, day by day, the sky has gotten clearer.

We're here for you.  Keep posting.

[Spyralle]

Thanks LettingGo,

You are right...   I struggle with validation.  I can't give it to myself somehow.  He would say the most horrendous things to me... .   Doing impressions of me performing sexual acts on other people... . calling me terrible names...   Even though none of it was true, it didn't matter...   I had to make him believe I wasn't like that in order to feel better about myself.  It's ridiculous when I hear myself say it but I just couldn't deal with it.  Even two weeks ago, as he cancelled he did the same thing and again... even now all I wanted to do was make him understand I was not that person.  It's difficult writing it down as then my fear is that others will believe it. 

He of course is out there sleeping with lots of women but he informs me that that is ok as that is how he deals with things... .   I on the other hand am totally isolated in my house. 

I will make a list of intentions...

Spyralle x

[goodmann11]

That's what I am doing just sitting in my house ruminating... . maybe we need a nons rebound dating website to get us through this traumatic time

Louis x

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Spyralle -   to you - I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I've been thinking a lot about needing validation from "them".  And why we crave it.  Why it hurts so much not to get it.  You were in an extremely abusive relationship.  "Willy" wrote to me about how damaging that is to your self esteem.  They paint you as this horrible person and on some level you start to internalize it.  Which really, really hurts.  This is the person you love.  The person who was supposed to love and care for you.  It's wrenching.  It wounds you to your core.  My xBF has severed all contact with me and "painted me black".  I can understand these are his defense mechanisms.  This is part of his disorder.  I can get all of that intellectually but emotionally it's another story entirely.  I feel like I can deal with the end of the relationship but I can't deal with him hating me in this way.  I understand.  I'm not sure what the answer is.  Beyond realizing I need to let go of his opinion of me as well as the relationship. 

The loneliness is really tough as well.  I'm in the same situation.  I'm in my 50's.  My friends are all married and busy with their own lives.  Saturday nights are the worst.  That was also our standing date night.  I was thinking last night that I was sitting here, alone, in all this pain, and he's probably out sitting at some bar finding his next girlfriend.  Or out with his next girlfriend.  Now the last thing I want to do is sit in some bar and look for my next boyfriend.  But I really resent the fact that he can do that and I can't.  He's a guy.  He can go out by himself and distract and console himself.  He doesn't have to sit home and deal with pain and loneliness.  He's a very good looking guy and he can just easily go out and meet someone new.  I can't.  I'm afraid I never will.  It rips me up. 

I also have so much to do and no energy to do it.  Which just makes everything worse.  And I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to do.  I don't even know where to start.  I get further behind every day.  I'm trying to tell myself it's okay... . to just take baby steps.  It's okay for right now.  Just accomplish one little thing.  It's a start. 

I wish there was something I could do or say to take away your pain.  I really do.  Just know there are many of us here who share your feelings.  You're not alone.

[goodmann11]

I am a 50 year old guy and she was just 32 so imagine how I feel. She started off idolising me telling me everyday How smart I am and handsome I looked. We finished with her calling me Old man amongst plenty of other abuse. As well as driving her car into my house. bankrupted herself 30K and assaulted 2 police officers as a swansong. but it was all my fault. she just goes off reinvents herself and starts again. I am slandered isolated and bewildered. I have never felt like this in my life. We are 7 weeks no contact and 5 months split. My life has been on hold this year and I am in total shock. This forum has helped and is diagnosed but in total denial

[Spyralle]

Hi Emelie and Louis,

It's such a relief to come here and no that I am not alone... It's really hard to think of it as an abusive relationship... even now... Even though I went to the police at one point and also called the domestic abuse line.  The shock you talk about Louis is right... How the hell did I ever end up in this state...

Emelie, you have totally nailed the way I feel...   The Saturday nights... the imagining him out picking up other women... the ripped up feeling... .   But when I read both your posts it makes me think... .   They are going to do it agin... to some other unfortunate person who will be taken in by the initial idolisation before the bewilderment starts... .   I was and am still very confused...   Confused that all I was offering was love and all I got in return was mockery and abuse...   He used to laugh at me whilst he was abusing me... the more I begged the more he got off on it... .   I am 51... He was 47... . He told me I was old and desperate...

He might be good looking Emelie but that is nothing but a facade... . I guess we need to somehow feel lucky that we were the ones who got away...

Spyralle x

[jibber]

We are all as beautiful as we think we are. Trust me, for years i thought i wasn't all that beautiful, and people react to you that way. When you think of yourself as beautiful, people start to see you that way too. So love yourself when you look into the mirror. 

However, i can tell you this is not a big factor in our ruminating, at least for me it's not.

My exBPD always told me how she thinks i am handsome. She never said anything different when we split up. I occassionally get comments from other people about my looks too... .

Does this help me now with feeling alone and rumiating? Does it help me when i think about my future, and meeting someone new eventually someday? It absolutely doesn't... . Because after this relationship, i am so much worried about my looks, but rather worried about who will love me again (for who i am). After all the emotional devaluation, hearing once a week what a horrible and selfish person i am, it really sunk in... . should have left a lot earlier and saved myself, but i let it happen for one year... . it did have its effect on me.

I am scared to go out there, i am scared to reach out to friends. I feel really alone and like i probably better stay away from people. I really keep beating myself up over the things she called me over and over again.

Looking into the mirror and seeing yourself as "good looking" really doesn't help in that, i can assure you... .  

I know it's really really hard to feel so alone. I take a little comfort in knowing there's people here on this site who share our struggle. Give yourself a big hug today (something i'm still trying to learn to do, it's not that easy). 

[jibber]

Wanted to say: "After this relationship i am NOT so much worried about my looks... . "

[Narellan]

Oh sweetie, today I feel exactly the same. I'm a blubbering mess again. It's been only 2 months for me, so still new but when I read your post and another of someone being in pain still after a year out it leads me to despair. Many people on here have been out for years and are still in devastation. I feel profoundly sad today for all of us. I have no answers for when the pain will end. I've done all the reading I can possibly do, just ordered another book today. I've done the lessons, I've gone NC for months, and the sadness is still so raw. It gets better, then I crash again because of a small little trigger or reminder.

Thank you for sharing with us, your post has really hit home with me today just how much impact they have ( maybe forever) on our lives. Be strong and try NC. You have given enough of your soul to this man. 

[antjs]

The symptoms associated with these kinds of breakups can feel like drug withdrawal.

OH MY GOD ! Thank you so much for mentioning so !

[Ihope2]

Hello Spyralle

Are you able to see a psychotherapist about what led you into this relationship and the hold that it has over you still?

I have also had a traumatic and turbulent 12 months, instantly falling for and marrying a very psychologically damaged man with BPD. And now I am in the process of divorcing him.  He moved out the moment it became apparent that we would divorce.

I can relate to the trauma bond and the pain you are feeling, the shame the confusion,etc.

I am turning 45 in September, and this was my first marriage, and the first time I really felt in love and alive with possibility.

But it started imploding, crashing and collapsing from the start.  There was a lot of emotional abuse, etc.  The ridicule and abuse from my spouse was nothing like what you have had to endure.  I was not mocked sexually etc.  But there were insinuations that I was seeing other men, or at least, fantasizing about being with someone else.  It is the most hurtful thing ever, because nothing could have been further from my mind.  Why the heck would I commit myself in marriage to someone, and then barely months into my marriage, start emotionally fantasizing about other men! It took a while for me to realise how distorted his thinking and feeling really was and how damaged he really is.

I thought love could conquer all.  I was wrong.  Love is a wonderful thing, but it can only work when it is a mutual, honest, open, caring thing between two people and nourishes the both of them, not just one person to the detriment of the other.

What is helping me now in this time of detaching and accepting the finality of my shattered dream, is that actually we did not make memories together.  We did not share joy.  We did not get truly close.  I never felt truly safe with him.  I heard him utter words of love and care, but I never felt it.  Nothing about him sustained and nourished my soul.  Being so enmeshed with him and sucked into his anger and despair and joylessness, was draining the life out of me.  We did not build anything of lasting value together... . So I let go of all the despair and pain and confusion.  The only way this relationship has served me, is to allow me to wake up to my own problems, to start attending to my own damaged and hurt "Inner Child". 

I wish you peace and may you find a way to repair your broken heart and find your balance again.