What should I talk about in next family counseling

[formflier]

So... . in the first family counseling sessions I made some weak references to me not having any decision making power in the family.  I was not specific about anything that uBPDw says or does.  Even after counselor said this was "safe room" and I could say what I really felt.  Said same to kids.

This was all done in a room with all kid present.  From 18 down to 1 year.  So... . I was a bit reluctant to talk about "real problem" in front of them.

They did talk a bit about my PTSD issues.  It's not a secret.  In the past I have hollered at night and caused a commotion.  (pre BPD knowledge).  I did not explain to kids or anyone else in the family that I had been sleep deprived because uBPDw wanted to talk about my illegitimate children I had with some of the whores she had identified... . and I would JADE about how that wasn't possible.

So... . I have no intention of getting into nasyt intimate details of what she said... . but I do think that some explanation of the behavior that I want to change is in order. 

"Mommy thinks Daddy has other families"... .

"Mommy thought Daddy had a marriage in the barn when she was away"

I could be ready with written "proof" if she claims she never thought... . said that... .

Up to this point... . all our other attempts at counseling have been a farce... . but it has been she and I.  It was her choice to take this "public" to the rest of the family.  I would rather her not do that at this point... . but if that is her choice... . I don't see me keeping a lid on the "real problem" as helping.

The kids "know" that something is up... . or way wrong.  So... . that part won't be a shocker.  uBPDw has bolted from every previous counseling... . I have written "proof" of that... . where she said I have all the Psychologists under my control... . and that is why she will go to another state to deal with her issues.

She may bolt again from this situation she has created... . but I don't think my "fear" of her bolting should keep me from discussing or bringing up issues I see as the problem.

Thoughts? 

How much detail is too much for kids?  I have from 18 down to 1 year... . so I get it that advice can change based on age.

[corraline]

Phew formflier,

that is a difficult situation. I know this is not my board but can you speak to this counselor and bring your questions and concerns about what is appropriate to talk about in front of them?  I think  children depending on their age are not developmentally ready to handle issues like that.  I think your concern is very valid.

[Grey Kitty]

Formflier, I'm gonna be blunt: I think you are going about this wrong.

I think you are trying to PROVE that your wife was being unreasonable in how she was fighting with you, in front of your kids and this T.

I see three problems--one, it is hard to prove what your wife was thinking. "he said" "she said" arguments aren't very convincing. (And bringing up recordings of her in the middle of these won't help either) Two, It is very hard to prove the absence of something. (i.e. you weren't having an affair)

And most importantly, nothing good will come of talking about her unsubstantiated, untrue accusations against you.

The best thing you can do is JADE. This isn't a criminal courtroom, where providing doubt will stop you from being convicted. In front of your family and a counselor, JADEing doesn't look good, even if what you say is true!

The worse thing is that her side could seem more credible than yours.

Nothing good will can possibly come of this for you.

I'd recommend you lower your expectations for this family counseling: It *isn't* going to change your wife's mind about stuff, so stop working on that at least for now. Instead, think damage control.

What can you do in these sessions that won't make anything worse?

I would still be truthful, and might even be somewhat vulnerable... . however I think you are in the midst of a parental alienation type skirmish with your wife in this T session--Your wife seems to be showing little effort toward making things work with you in her actions.

You might state that your wife kept you up all hours of the night fighting with you when you were having those PTSD problems, and you no longer let her have these fights when you need to get your sleep. In your shoes, I would probably refuse to bring up what these fights were about right now.

*IF* your wife brings up the topic of these fights, then you have to respond, and you should think about what you will say then.

[formflier]

I agree with your assessment.  The further I have gotten from this "ambush"... . and after talking with my Pastor today... . I now am putting this T in one of two categories.  Complete quack or very skillful.  He is 75 years old, phd... . been around... . I'm doubting quack.  Although I haven't experience what I think the method he was using for family T... . never done full family T before.

Here is my Pastors take on it.  He talked to everyone in room... . saw who was being reasonable and who wasn't... and more importantly trying to take the temperature of who is ready to change... . or maybe more importantly who can change in the situation. 

Because overall the goal is to take a family dynamic that is "stuck" and that is clearly not working... . and get it to change.  Does't mean it gets fixed on first change... . but somehow change the dynamic and see what happens.

Back to saying things in front of wife.  That is another thing that ticked my off about initial DSS interview.  We were informed of decision... . not really interview and no chance to chat 1 on 1.   So any concern I raised was in front of wife.  I don't think any major damage done... but... . that still was uncomfortable.  I'm positive that anything I said ... she has heard before... . but lots of things she forgets. 

Formflier, I'm gonna be blunt: I think you are going about this wrong.

I think you are trying to PROVE that your wife was being unreasonable in how she was fighting with you, in front of your kids and this T.

I see three problems--one, it is hard to prove what your wife was thinking. "he said" "she said" arguments aren't very convincing. (And bringing up recordings of her in the middle of these won't help either) Two, It is very hard to prove the absence of something. (i.e. you weren't having an affair)

And most importantly, nothing good will come of talking about her unsubstantiated, untrue accusations against you.

The best thing you can do is JADE. This isn't a criminal courtroom, where providing doubt will stop you from being convicted. In front of your family and a counselor, JADEing doesn't look good, even if what you say is true!

The worse thing is that her side could seem more credible than yours.

Nothing good will can possibly come of this for you.

I'd recommend you lower your expectations for this family counseling: It *isn't* going to change your wife's mind about stuff, so stop working on that at least for now. Instead, think damage control.

What can you do in these sessions that won't make anything worse?

I would still be truthful, and might even be somewhat vulnerable... . however I think you are in the midst of a parental alienation type skirmish with your wife in this T session--Your wife seems to be showing little effort toward making things work with you in her actions.

You might state that your wife kept you up all hours of the night fighting with you when you were having those PTSD problems, and you no longer let her have these fights when you need to get your sleep. In your shoes, I would probably refuse to bring up what these fights were about right now.

*IF* your wife brings up the topic of these fights, then you have to respond, and you should think about what you will say then.