Could it be that the degree of BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I noticed that some people here describe the sex with their pwBPD merely as very spontaneous and intense whilst others would say it was "fake" and did not feel natural and that there was no emotional binding between the lovers.

I wonder why that is, could it be that the degree of BPD (as in "severe" BP or slightlier) matters or is it all in the eye of the beholder ?

in my case , I would say that the physical act was indeed quite intense, but something just didn't feel right and that was mainly because of a lack of emotional binding and also because I gradually started to notice how differently my BP experienced the sex, and it was always a turn-off to me how he was analysing his own behaviours afterwards... .

[lemon flower]

I noticed that some people here describe the sex with their pwBPD merely as very spontaneous and intense whilst others would say it was "fake" and did not feel natural and that there was no emotional binding between the lovers.

I wonder why that is, could it be that the degree of BPD (as in "severe" BP or slightlier) matters or is it all in the eye of the beholder ?

in my case , I would say that the physical act was indeed quite intense, but something just didn't feel right and that was mainly because of a lack of emotional binding and also because I gradually started to notice how differently my BP experienced the sex, and it was always a turn-off to me how he was analysing his own behaviours afterwards... .

[iluminati]

I would agree with your assessment.  I think it has to do with a certain amount of life experience.  I know that for me,  the sex wasn't that special because I had managed to get a lot of experience from other means.  That said,  I could see how someone could see something different,  especially if they haven't had a dramatic experience like that before.

[Narellan]

My experience with the sex with my ex BPD was the most intimate and emotional I've ever had, along with intense and passionate . My history of being married for 23 yrs to a bipolar man with depression has certainly impacted my experience. A lot of my struggles to get over my BPD ex is around losing this connection. We were still in the honeymoon faze too so it's harder, and I haven't seen every part of him yet.

[thinkingthinking]

Here's the thing with me though.  I'm not against the porn star sex per se, but I do keep it perspective.  If anything, being cognizant of your behavior and motivations and not doing that stuff all the time with nothing else going on emotionally is where it becomes a problem.  It's much like having a drink.  A couple of beers or a cocktail every now and again isn't particularly harmful and can be a part of a healthy life.  Drinking a fifth of vodka daily definitely is harmful.

Agree completely. At the beginning of my relationship with my exBPDh, the sex was exciting but we were too young to really understand what healthy intimacy is.  The longer we were married, the more he used sex as just one more coping mechanism (along with drinking, gambling, buying... . ), and the more "porno-like" he wanted it to be.  It became obvious that sex was not about wanting to be with me, but about some other need he was trying to meet.  If I didn't feel like it, he would literally throw a tantrum. By the end of our 22 year marriage, I could not stand the thought of having sex with him anymore because it simply made me feel used.

Sex is another way that my exBPDh confused extreme emotion with love, and it still affects me post-divorce.  He has moved on and found a replacement (which tends to make me feel like anyone that would be his sex partner could replace me), and I'm left trying to figure out when/if I can establish a real intimate relationship.

[Iforget]

In the beginning the sex was great. Then it became a major control issue. This is when I started to realize that he had no concerns for my feelings. After years of feeling used and degraded I finally said no and moved into a separate room. It was like he had to prove himself through sex but without regard to what I wanted. He went into a rage that lasted awhile. It was all about him.