Just getting started - Seperated, but relieved to find this site.

[Indymomofsix]

Hello,

So happy to find this sight.  I have been married to my BPD husband for 19 years and together for 23.  I have thought all of this time that he was bi-polar (and may have some bi-polar tendencies), but the more I read about BPD, the more I am convinced that this is his condition. He was actually diagnosed with BPD three years ago and I dismissed it because I didn't know much about it.  He was put on Lexapro for 6 months and he was actually worse and severely depressed, but we were also seperated and he was living away from the family, which is hard for him.  This time, I left a year ago, to try to keep the family stabilized, but now realize that he has BPD and am reading the books by Paul Mason & Randi Kregar.  (just started)

I want to try to get help for my husband, and at least he knows that he was diagnosed, but we have not discussed this diagnosis in 3 years and he is not likely to get help.  I need the name of a good doctor/counselor in the Indianapolis area that can help me navigate these waters.  I love my husband.  We have six wonderful children and I need some answers.

Thank you for your help,

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Indymomofsix,

welcome here on board. Getting professional help may be a good idea although professionals for good reasons will focus on their client i.e. you. Getting him into therapy even with professional backing could proof a challenge in the short term. On the other hand he got a diagnose already and that is a significant step forward already.

Whether or not he gets into therapy the short and part of medium term improvements depend more on you acquiring skills than anything else. There are two ways to start learning key skills - one with boundaries and one with communication. Since you have separated to some degree there are basic boundaries in place. As you are interested in helping him to get into therapy it would make sense to focus on communication skills.

A good start is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0 . The video is worth your time.

[SweetCharlotte]

Good luck to you. In the early stages of accepting that my H probably has BPD and will never seek treatment for it, I found the book BOOMERANG LOVE very helpful. It has advice for either way it may go—leaving and helping yourself, or staying and helping yourself. Of course I second an0ought's essential advice too.

[Grey Kitty]

  and best wishes for you.

I saw your comment that when you try to communicate or help things with your husband, it goes badly.

Unfortunately, our natural reaction to BPD behaviors does exactly that--makes it worse. Just learning how invalidating we are in response to a challenge/attack and learning to stop doing that makes a huge difference. The books you have and the lessons here will help.

Or tell us about a recurring (bad) situation and ask for advice on better ways to handle it.