Needing to keep the link alive after break up

[Arminius]

After breaking off our 7 year relationship for the final time, by uBPDxgf played a game of 'trying' to fox it for 4 months. In that time she was coming home at weekends, initially staying one night ( spare room) and this built up to staying Fri, Sat and Sun nights, and a mid week night, and back in our bed ( no sex though).

Classic hanging on?

In that time she also spent Christmas in Canada with some of her family ( a trip we had planned together for some time) and while she was there she was sending me messages saying things like :

' I miss my best friend and partner, I wish I had brought you.'

' I'll bring you here next time as I know I want to live here.'

' The family are doing 'x' but I'm not going, I prefer it when we do that together.'

She spoke about doing lots of stuff together when she returned.

Within a few weeks of her refund, she had disclosed serious financial secrets, and had asked me to go to the Dr with her. All seemed like steps in the right direction but despite her disclosures and expressions of wanting a future, when I suggested that now all the bad stuff was out in the open, and she was at least seeking some sort of help, that perhaps she should come home fully, rather than 4 nights a week!

She said ' I'm not ready'

Asked when she might be, replied 'I don't think I ever will.'

So, I had to end it, stop her coming etc

Seems like she wanted me to be the one to finally call time.

[Arminius]

For 'refund' read return

[imsodizzy]

I feel its a way of testing the waters and the fear of intamacy she wants tonkeep you at a safe distance

[heartandwhole]

That is really tough, Arminius, I'm sorry you went through that.  I think you are right that she may not have been able to break things off – she is likely afraid of losing you completely, but also afraid of getting too close.  That is the tragedy of this disorder, and my heart goes out to you (and her).

At some point, you have to save yourself, and put your needs first, and it sounds like that is where you are now. 

What feelings are coming up for you, Arminius?

[Chunk Palumbo]

Her being back in the area would've been too much, let alone the bed.  I'm not entirely sure how you're still standing after those hits. Sheesh.

I hope you manage to detatch sooner, rather than when you're fully broken.

[Arminius]

Her being back in the area would've been too much, let alone the bed.  I'm not entirely sure how you're still standing after those hits. Sheesh.

I hope you manage to detatch sooner, rather than when you're fully broken.

Thanks for the comments. I dint know how I'm still standing either. And if I was able to write the extremely graphic info she's provided about her new sex life, then you'd wonder how I hadn't exploded.

I'm a strong man, but I've been brought to my knees, have insomnia, depression and am struggling in my career as a result.

[Narellan]

I'm so sad to read this Arminious. So you have ended it? I would strongly suggest you need to go no contact now. It is crucial now she has made it clear she can't be in a relationship with you. What she wants is to keep that attachment to you so she can bounce things off and share her sex life details with. You can't heal with this sort of contact. It will destroy you. It's not possible to be friends with a BPD  after a relationship. There was a  thread on here in that very topic recently.

Boy, they pull you back in just to kick you back down again don't they?

A few days after my first recycle my exBPD was about to head home, and I said " see you soon", and he replied " that's if I ever come back"

I laughed at that, and of course he came back... . They always do. But it hurt and confused me, as I imagine her saying she'll never be ready must have felt. Especially when she was IN YOUR BED saying it! I really feel for you. It does get easier if we can totally remove them from our lives. Peace