Can't take it anymore

[pipehitter]

At work. Barely functioning.

So much pain. I don't know know what to do.

It's excruciating.

I read so much things lately. Thought they helped. Made it worse after taking them in.

I'm at the end of my rope.

[pipehitter]

Nothing left.

Not even memories. Since it seems it was all a reflection of myself.

Nothing left. I lost myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, going through what we went through, plenty of psychological and emotional and some physical abuse in my case, and then learning about the disorder and processing what we went through, it can seem that the entire world is different and we knew nothing, were so blind.  It's important right now to take care of yourself very well, eating, sleeping, hydrating, exercise, and just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, one hour at a time, whatever it takes.  It may be hard to believe me now, but I too lost myself, I totally relate, and the good news, when there's nothing left and you feel like you're at the end of your rope, is you can fashion anything you want out of your life now, build any kind of life you want.  I'm here to tell you that moving forward, once you integrate everything you've learned about yourself and relationships as a result of this 'experience', life on the other side will be much better, and you'll be much stronger and more aware.  No really.  One foot in front of the other, and take care of you!

[LettingGo14]

Nothing left.

Not even memories. Since it seems it was all a reflection of myself.

Nothing left. I lost myself.

Pipehitter -- you are expressing pain honestly.  Give yourself credit.

Most of us enter this phase, whether we call it "lost" or "shattered" or "broken."  I felt like an addict, shaking in a corner, desperate for another fix.  Psychologically, I was defining "self" by what I lost.

It was a temporary state.  A necessary passage.   

"Loss" -- whether it's death, or a relationship, or a sense of purpose -- is devastating.   We are so trained to "figure" things out, we never want to marinate in loss.  We want to grab the wheel, punch coordinates into a GPS, and get to where ever is "better."

We can "lean into the spear" of the pain now, rather than numbing ourselves.  A good friend told me recently -- dude, slow down, don't try to figure it all out at once. 

She was right.  Grief is a process, no matter how much I want to "snap out" of it.

Thank you for your honest sharing.

[laelle]

   I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.  It is a pain that I can relate to.

Go easy on yourself.  Be your best friend for a bit and cut yourself some slack.  You have and are going through some tough stuff.  It is perfectly normal to be feeling as you do.  It is ok.  I felt my life would end without my ex, but it didnt.  

As far as none of it being real, I have to disagree.  In my relationship, my ex felt affection for me, he just didnt have the capacity to bring that affection into a full grown, mature, adult relationship.  He did not have the ability, but it didnt mean that he would not have wanted to.

When I became really sad,  I tried to keep in mind how awful it was to have to be at his beck and call, and how I got the silent treatment if I was a few minutes late to respond.  How his behavior was unpredictable other than being fed up and needing me to be quiet because he had a bad day.

At the time I only remembered the good things, but as time has progressed, I realize that it wasnt so great.  It nearly destroyed me.  There isnt anything good about that.

I agree with fromheeltoheal...  You can be or do anything you wish.  It is now ALL about you, and you deserve it.  pamper yourself... take a weekend camping or doing things that you enjoyed doing before the relationship.

I forgot who I was and had to relearn some stuff like... . What do I like?  I started with my favorite ice cream  

take care and we are here for you.

 Laelle

[All ears]

I agree with what everyone is saying... . the most important thing is to be good to YOU! I am working on "reframing" my thinking and one of the main things I tell myself now is I can only get better! It's true... . think of how low we all have felt or are feeling... like a drug addict hitting rock bottom. They can only get better once they admit they have been defeated by the drug. I myself am in recovery and am a recovering addict/alcoholic. I hit that rock bottom and felt that my life was OVER... . boy was I wrong my life has become AMAZING since then but that is only because I admitted I was defeated and could not win the battle any longer. I am working on incorporating these same principles into getting over my ex and working through these horrible feelings. Please stay strong and tell yourself positive things about yourself! You deserve it! The fact that you are reaching out for helps already shows some signs of healing... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey pipehitter, I'm sorry to learn about what you are going through.  It is painful and it does hurt!  So you could start by acknowledging that you are in pain.  For me, I got to a point where I had "nothing left in the tank" and could no longer continue with marriage to my BPDxW.  Like you, I felt that I had lost myself in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.  It's OK.  You are now in a good position to start finding your way out of the dark wood.  I echo those above: focus on yourself and what you need to start feeling better.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[seeking balance]

At work. Barely functioning.

So much pain. I don't know know what to do.

It's excruciating.

I read so much things lately. Thought they helped. Made it worse after taking them in.

I'm at the end of my rope.

Hi Pipehitter,

The pain is tough - many of us have been where you are and it will get better. 

Are you actively working with a T in all this?

Best,

SB

[going places]

At the end of your rope?

Tie a knot and hang on.

I have been dangling off the cliff... .

I was asked "so, what do you like to do for fun" and "what are your hobbies"?

THAT set of questions rocked me to my core, because I could NOT answer them... . because I didn't KNOW what to do for fun and I had no hobbies... . it was always about 'him'.

THAT day I decided to 'define' me.

What do *I* love.

What are *my* passions.

What are *my gifts, talents, strengths*.

Wow... . you know what?

I am a pretty neat chick!

I HAVE WORTH because *I* have passions, talents and gifts, that are mine, just mine. All mine.

I always thought if I 'thought of myself, treated myself, did things for myself, cared for myself" that I was a "selfish pig, insensitive to others needs, greedy, awful person".

THOSE ARE ALL LIES FROM THE PIT.

Focus, on YOUR good.

You have it.

You do.

Start writing it out. Tape it to your mirror.

Recite it every time you brush your teeth, comb your hair, get ready for work.

Breathe those words of LIFE into your soul... .

[pipehitter]

Thank you very much.

My problem:

Apart from having mirrored me, there's another problem I face.

We got to know each other through something that has always been my passion, my life long dream. I won't tell what it is, because of privacy (I'm pretty good at it and we'll known in certain circles.) I met her when I was "breaking through." While it was still a LDR most of the time. She accompanied me in my my heart when I traveled to wonderful places, doing what I love.

I taught her a lot. Seeing her bloom in getting better was the best best thing. Better than any world games and what not.

It is gone. The thing I loved most has become my biggest hell.

It's my "work",  and it has become slavery. Torture.

[MrEveryman]

In many ways the choice to get back who you are/become more than you are has been taken away now.  From this day on all you will do is wrestle with the pain of what was until you have understood and learned from it.

You do come back because you had to.  Even deep hurtful memories soften and the fond ones remain to remind you, not what you lost, but what you are capable of sharing.

No other love is the same, nor will it ever take such out of you again.

--

After the torrent of confusion, despair and self-doubt.  You feel a seed of rebirth and understanding take root again. 

It will grow within you every day.  Until you become what you were before, and then something more.

--

Nothing will inspire you like this experience can.   

[blissful_camper]

Thank you very much.

My problem:

Apart from having mirrored me, there's another problem I face.

We got to know each other through something that has always been my passion, my life long dream. I won't tell what it is, because of privacy (I'm pretty good at it and we'll known in certain circles.) I met her when I was "breaking through." While it was still a LDR most of the time. She accompanied me in my my heart when I traveled to wonderful places, doing what I love.

I taught her a lot. Seeing her bloom in getting better was the best best thing. Better than any world games and what not.

It is gone. The thing I loved most has become my biggest hell.

It's my "work",  and it has become slavery. Torture.

You found your dharma (your work).  That can't be taken away by anything/anyone.  When you have that much passion for something that you do in life, it will come back.  Your work will improve because of this.  It will be better than it was before.  It will evolve as you process this experience, and will emerge in a more refined form.  Believe in that.  I'm so sorry you're in pain.  I've been there too. Hang on, you will get through this.  Keep posting.  We're here to support you. 

[jibber]

I wish i could help. But i know most of the "we are here" and "hang in there" comments do pretty much nothing for us in these moments.

I can only say you are not alone.

Despite knowing the relationship was unhealthy, despite feeling like she lied to me in many things, despite everything... . I still miss her every day. Despite knowing i did the right thing keeping the door closed when she rang the doorbell, i still wish everyday she would "come and save me", even if i know she can't do that for me (nobody can but myself).

I'm in a pretty bad state since january. The only thing that just recently started to change... . I don't cry anymore every single day.

I don't do the things anymore i was once passionate about, and i barely function at work like you say yourself. I dream of her every night (if i remember my dreams), this is the hardest... . And the dreams are so life like... .

Today wasn't particularly a good day. I know the "love" i had with her was an illusion, but i miss it constantly (not the abuse, but how we could be silly together and laugh, the affection).

I did the bare minimum at work once again, it's a wonder i haven't lost my job.

Now comes a 4 day weekend... . And i'm sitting here alone, wondering how to stop my mind from thinking about her and how to pass the time until monday (i'll find something, but it only works if i force myself, which is tiring).

I have a wonderful family which is there, i could visit them... . But i never felt so alone in my life.

It helps to know there's other people going through the same, but like i say at the beginning of my post... . Those words don't help that much after all... . In the end i'm sitting here alone, looking at a computer screen. I'm immensly grateful i have found this community, but i have to be there for myself in this situation, and it's hard!

You sound like you are in an awful lot of pain right now. If you can't anymore yourself, please find a therapist to talk about all of this. It doesn't fix the pain either, but it helps to talk about it all... . And it's a lot more helpful to talk to someone in real life, than reading "we are here for you" on a computer screen. Again, not saying this community is not helpful (it's actually very helpful in my opinion), but if you can't anymore, please find someone professional to talk to.

I think many of the members here can relate when you are left feeling hopeless and at the very bottom of your existence.

I catch myself saying "i can't anymore" almost every day... . It's a very tough place i know... .

I wish i could offer more help. We'll have to go through this, there's no way around it... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Pipehitter, I know feeling "at the end of your rope" pretty well.  It feels like everything is over, but looking back it is a really good thing.  When you hit the end of your rope, you stop trying to control everything.  And that's when you begin to see more clearly.  I know it hurts.  Been there.  I wish I could offer you more.  This is not an "end" for you... . it is a beginning.  That is 100% true.  You will look back on this in a year or two and think, "Wow, I feel so much better."  But you know what?  Today, just get through today.  Take a walk.  Stop reading stuff and ruminating about it all.  Go to your car and cry.  Let it out.  And then take a deep breath and get back up.  You can.