Should I move far away?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I found public housing in my state but the issue is that its 5 hours away. They even have emergency opens for right now.

I NEED to leave, but 5 hours away in a city/town I know little about scares me. If it was just an two hours away it wouldn't be so bad.

There's another one that has an opening for 6 months away but heck I don't know if I can wait that long. It's a short time if you have a normal and sane family but a LOONG time when you have two BPD nut cases who are using you as an emotional (sometimes physical) punching bag

My BPD mom is getting nuttier by the day. I was recently discussing with her my options and in one breathe she was discouraging me from leaving and then in another accused me of wanting to sit on my butt for six months doing nothing (even though I have a steady modest income from working).

I just need some advice, should I leave and move 5 hours away? try to wait another six months for an opening that is closer by ?

My goal is to finally graduate from college because I was never able to do that. I had so many obstacles  put in my way--BPD mother being physically abusive and starting explosive arguments with me. In a normal setting, I know I can finally finish and be able to concentrate.

[kharma]

I found public housing in my state but the issue is that its 5 hours away. They even have emergency opens for right now.

I NEED to leave, but 5 hours away in a city/town I know little about scares me. If it was just an two hours away it wouldn't be so bad.

There's another one that has an opening for 6 months away but heck I don't know if I can wait that long. It's a short time if you have a normal and sane family but a LOONG time when you have two BPD nut cases who are using you as an emotional (sometimes physical) punching bag

My BPD mom is getting nuttier by the day. I was recently discussing with her my options and in one breathe she was discouraging me from leaving and then in another accused me of wanting to sit on my butt for six months doing nothing (even though I have a steady modest income from working).

I just need some advice, should I leave and move 5 hours away? try to wait another six months for an opening that is closer by ?

My goal is to finally graduate from college because I was never able to do that. I had so many obstacles  put in my way--BPD mother being physically abusive and starting explosive arguments with me. In a normal setting, I know I can finally finish and be able to concentrate.

[HappyChappy]

Kharma  - Couple of techniques I was taught for decision making were as follows. Consider the worst thing that could happen, and then the best thing that could happen. Or a more refined version is listing all the pro's for taking the housing 5 hours away, versus all the cons. Then you weight each pro and con with a number. Add them up, and the largest number wins.

If you feel you normally have good instincts - ask yourself what do your instincts say? At the end of the day, how long would you be tied down to this house move? So what is the worst thing that could happen - you just need to move again, once your head is in a better state? You know better than anyone what the right decision is for you. It's good to have options.

All the best

[twogrey]

Moving 1000 miles away from my uBPDm was the best decision I made in my life. Do you have job opportunities in the new place?  Could you leave and return "home" if you needed to?

[kharma]

Yes, I have a work at home job, and a car.

BPD mom has been trying to bargain with me by offering to help me buy a new laptop (help with monthly payments). Just another way to manipulate me into staying home  I don't need any more bills or commitments right now and I need to get as far away from her as possible. She's getting worse and worse. Constantly harping on me about not finishing college and how long it has taken. She is the sole reason I couldn't finish. If I didn't have her beating me up all the time, I would have been done a few years ago. I have so many memories of her physically assaulting me and accusing me of lying about going to school. The fact that she wants me to stay here so I can continue being her punching bag makes me angry

[HappyChappy]

I need to get as far away from her as possible. She's getting worse and worse. Constantly harping on ... . If I didn't have her beating me up all the time... . I have so many memories of her physically assaulting me and accusing me of lying ... . continue being her punching bag makes me angry

Kharam, I think you've answered your own question. She sounds like poison to your mental health. You have control and you have options. But plan this carefully, does your Mom need to know, or can you send a postcard when settled (if at all) ?  Could you Mom lend you some money for a laptop - which then gets used on rent ? Where ever you go, you have your work, car and this community plus all the rest.

[kharma]

I need to get as far away from her as possible. She's getting worse and worse. Constantly harping on ... . If I didn't have her beating me up all the time... . I have so many memories of her physically assaulting me and accusing me of lying ... . continue being her punching bag makes me angry

Kharam, I think you've answered your own question. She sounds like poison to your mental health. You have control and you have options. But plan this carefully, does your Mom need to know, or can you send a postcard when settled (if at all) ?  Could you Mom lend you some money for a laptop - which then gets used on rent ? Where ever you go, you have your work, car and this community plus all the rest.

I live at home with her so I would have to let her know Im leaving.

AS for her lending me money for a laptop which gets used on rent would not work. She wants to know exactly where the money is going and if doesn't go towards the intended  purpose she will explode and likely wind up physically assaulting me.

[HappyChappy]

She wants to know exactly where the money is going ... . likely wind up physically assaulting me.

Kharam, I understand your position is very difficult right now. I also know that BPD program us to confess everything. But in truth, normal parents respect your privacy, respect your boundaries. You have no obligation to tell your BPD anything.

As for physically assaulting - if you live separately, that becomes harder. If she doesn't know where you live - impossible. Once you get to the impossible place, the Fear your BPD actively encourages will drain away. Never forget a bully will only attack if they think they can get away unscathed. They’re cowards at hart. I once called the Police on a N who really went to town trying to scare me. He  just slid away once he saw there were consequences.

Now Kharam I haven’t know you that long, so I can’t pretend to know your situation as well

as you do. But  as for telling you BPD you’re moving – why ? What’s it got to do with her ? Can’t you move when she’s out at work or something. Can’t you get her drunk, so she can’t stop proceedings ? I once did this. My N was drunk on the floor whilst we were lifting furniture out of the house. This is a man who had attacked me with a knife and all sorts. It was empowering to see him, useless on the floor.

Kharam, put yourself first, and don’t let your BPD use Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to stop you doing what’s best for you. I know it’s easy to say and incredible hard to do– but you come first. Loads of people on this forum have escaped the FOG. You will too.

[going places]

My goal is to move from Indiana to the Pan Handle of Florida.

About 12 hours away.

I simply cannot wait!

[kharma]

She wants to know exactly where the money is going ... . likely wind up physically assaulting me.

Kharam, I understand your position is very difficult right now. I also know that BPD program us to confess everything. But in truth, normal parents respect your privacy, respect your boundaries. You have no obligation to tell your BPD anything.

As for physically assaulting - if you live separately, that becomes harder. If she doesn't know where you live - impossible. Once you get to the impossible place, the Fear your BPD actively encourages will drain away. Never forget a bully will only attack if they think they can get away unscathed. They’re cowards at hart. I once called the Police on a N who really went to town trying to scare me. He  just slid away once he saw there were consequences.

Now Kharam I haven’t know you that long, so I can’t pretend to know your situation as well

as you do. But  as for telling you BPD you’re moving – why ? What’s it got to do with her ? Can’t you move when she’s out at work or something. Can’t you get her drunk, so she can’t stop proceedings ? I once did this. My N was drunk on the floor whilst we were lifting furniture out of the house. This is a man who had attacked me with a knife and all sorts. It was empowering to see him, useless on the floor.

Kharam, put yourself first, and don’t let your BPD use Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to stop you doing what’s best for you. I know it’s easy to say and incredible hard to do– but you come first. Loads of people on this forum have escaped the FOG. You will too.

If I'm not telling her my every move, she practically nags or harasses me about what I'm going to do with my life on a regular basis. So I have to tell her something. She's very aggressive. She goes nuts if she doesnt know what I'm doing and will start fights and presume I haven't put in any effort.  For instance, when I was looking for a job, I have to almost PROVE to her that I put in applications, interviews or else she'll accuse me of lying or not doing anything at all(I have always been able to find work btw)Not knowing my every move makes her very irritable and combative. She has to validate everything I do or else she gets hostile and reactionary. She doubted I was actually going to college, and I even had to show her my grades to PROVE that I was really attending. 

So yes, I have to let her know because she is such a control freak. Maybe with semi normal folks i wouldn't have to do let them know every single detail of my life but with them its imperative because they'll presume the worst.

[jessienbp]

She sounds exactly like my mother.

Whom, by the way, I was never happier than when living 3,000 miles away from. (It wasn't quite far enough -- drat the invention of the telephone -- but was as far as I could get without leaving the continental U.S. The best times were when she went on business to Asia.)

[kharma]

now BPD mom makes the comment "you think you can just up and move anywhere you want?" What is the deal with this woman? I have a feeling this is something my father said to her and she is just parroting his words. There is no pleasing them. I am definitely leaving and i"m tired of this wishy washy nonsense.