Children of BPD parents --- did you ever seek help/advice, growing up?

[DaughterInDespair]

I just wanted to ask this question of y'all, because, I never did... . never had anyone I felt I could trust... . So I just "took it" from my mother -- all her rages, paranoia, odd behavior, etc., by myself, for years and years.

(... . I was an only child... . )


My dad was on the scene, but was completely worthless... . in denial, didn't really care that much, etc.


My mother's family of origin knew how she was, but we only saw them once a year, for two weeks in the summer, and I knew that if I ever let my guard down and revealed anything to them, it would get back to her... . and I would never see any of them again.


And as for people outside the family... . they were completely fooled by her... .   They wouldn't have believed me either... . or have been able to help, for that matter.


Did you guys feel as "alone" growing up as I did, or did you have somebody -- an informed third party -- you could turn to for help?


Thanks.

[Turkish]

No. What I did do is try to attach to mostly healthy, or at least intact families. I got flack from my mother for this at times. "They don't know the real you!"

I was sent to family counseling when I was 13 or 14, but I correctly surmised that most of what I would tell the therapist would get back to my mom, so I kept everything inside, even if I wanted to scream the truth. I never felt safe there. If affected my view of therapists thereafter.

Being an outsider at school, too, I never felt so alone. I was a loner well into my 30s. Hermit. Nomad. I processed stuff myself, and it probably held me back in life... . and also led me to my uBPDx since I never worked through my issues with a professional.

I never really talked to anybody. Luckily, I have a few friends I've known 25-30 years; brothers, really. They saw my mom, and the knew. And sympathize.

[DaughterInDespair]

Wow, thank you so much, Turkish, for getting back to me... .   x-o-x-o... .   You described me as well as you when you used the words 'hermit,' 'loner,' etc... .      And like you, I was also sent to a therapist to deal with my 'issues' when I was young... .   And also like you, I knew damn well that if I let loose on how things really were at home, there would be hell to pay, later on... .   Even the comment you made about how your mom said, 'they (the healthy families you did manage to attach to) don't know how you REALLY are' struck home... .   I think on some level, it angers our BPDs to see other people treat us with love and respect, because it throws a glaring, unflattering spotlight on their own behavior... .   and so they try and brainwash into believing that anyone who is kind to us is somehow 'fooled' by us... .   and, sadly, it often works... .   Thanks again.

[HappyChappy]

Everyone was scared stiff of my BPD Mom. I got plenty of feedback on how "not right" her parenting methods were. But as a young child - who could you go to ? My friend's parents were scared of my BPD - she's the sort of person you just don't chose to get involved with.

So DaughterInDespair - to answer your question, I was alone in this. My sister is 6 years younger than me, and she did say the only validation she got was from me. But my sis was never, even now, able to support me.

But hey – this forum is full of support, so better late than never I suppose.

Personally my friends brought me up, I spent most of my time outside the house. I couldn't talk about my BPD with them, because they would think I was making it up - or would worry that I was wierd. I spoke to several friends resently, and they simply said - I can't relate to that. I don't know what to say. Then you wonder, will they think I'm unstable saying this... . But the fact my friends stood beside me, despite my BPD doing her best to scare them off, meant I tended to have very loyal and trustworthy friends.  Attributes missing in a BPD.

[DaughterInDespair]

Hi, HappyChappy!   

(... . Great name, by the way... . )   ;-)


You are soo right about how the BPDs in our lives are able to "scare off" healthy people... . much to our our own personal detriment... .


And yeah, people outside the family -- who have never experienced BPD -- have NO IDEA what we have to deal with... .    Which makes our situation so intensely painful and lonely... .


Thanks for sharing with me.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, DaughterInDespair,

You know, when I was younger, I didn't even know there was anything to tell. There were adults I could trust, but I thought everyone's household was like mine. My parents always managed to put on their best behavior when I had friends over, so for a long time, I assumed when I went to other people's houses and they weren't yelling and slamming things, it was just because they had company.

As I got older, I realized some of my peers seemed really close with their mothers. I knew things were horrible between my mother and me, but I believed her when she said it was because I was a bad daughter, and I believed my father when he said it was "normal mother-daughter stuff." I didn't know there was anything to tell other than "We don't get along," and that would only be to my peers. My dad was a public figure, and everywhere we went, people would come up to him and my mom--everyone seemed to adore them.

Even though I never went to any adults to talk about what I was going through at home, I did still get a lot of healing from my best friend's family. One of my therapists said my friend's mother was an angel for me, and it really is true. Without even trying, just by being herself and letting me spend time with her family, she showed me what a good mother looks like. She laughed a lot and let her kids play and get messy, and treated me like she really valued me. It meant a lot in the long run. I think if I had gone to her about my home life, she would have listened. I like to think she would have believed me.

I'm wondering, DaughterInDespair, how are you coping with the fact that you felt alone growing up? How does that affect you today--are there people in your life that you can trust now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[isshebpd]

DaughterInDespair,

My enDad was a lot like yours. Mine even made it worse sometimes, and was never emotionally supportive.

I was the oldest of three, and ended up being the target of my uBPDmom's rages when my enDad wasn't around.

I felt alone because I didn't trust adults, as a general rule, especially those who had power over me. A few times I saw the guidance counsellor in High School, but I never bothered opening up because I didn't even understand what the problem was. To be honest, I didn't even like the guidance counsellor.

My extended family were pretty much useless to me too. I did enjoy visiting my paternal mother and stepfather, even though they had some pretty weird views. At least, it was some cooling off time in the country.

I think the adult I felt closest too emotionally, to the extent that I did, was my maternal grandmother. I ended up at her apartment on a regular basis, and enjoyed playing various card games with her. But she was on her way out by the time I was in my teens.

[Turkish]

Wow, thank you so much, Turkish, for getting back to me... .  x-o-x-o... .  You described me as well as you when you used the words 'hermit,' 'loner,' etc... .     And like you, I was also sent to a therapist to deal with my 'issues' when I was young... .  And also like you, I knew damn well that if I let loose on how things really were at home, there would be hell to pay, later on... .  Even the comment you made about how your mom said, 'they (the healthy families you did manage to attach to) don't know how you REALLY are' struck home... .  I think on some level, it angers our BPDs to see other people treat us with love and respect, because it throws a glaring, unflattering spotlight on their own behavior... .  and so they try and brainwash into believing that anyone who is kind to us is somehow 'fooled' by us... .  and, sadly, it often works... .  Thanks again.

The confusing thing was with my mom was the alternating behaviors. The split black then white then black, etc... . I was mature enough (kind of)to resist feeling like a loser when my uBPDx did it, but as a child, I wasn't mature enough to understand it. I thus coped by rejecting both criticism and praise from anybody, because I was stuck in the disordered world of my childhood. I rejected both to suurvive and protect my Little Turkish. The "real" me is pretty awesome, I've been told by many people for a long time, yet I didn't really believe it. Those people didn't raise me and have to put up with me, did they? They don't know the "real" me. They weren't in a r/s with my like my uBPDx.  I therefore bought into the projection of my uBPDx. Sure I'll go to counseling (again), there's something wrong with me.

Over $2k later, sure, I'm a Rescuer, and I have wounds ("everybody has wounds, Turkish!", but there's nothing really wrong with me. I'm a decent person. I'm still trying to own that view of me.

[HappyChappy]

... . never had anyone I felt I could trust... . So I just "took it" from my mother -- all her rages, paranoia, odd behavior, etc., by myself, for years and years.

(... . I was an only child... . )

DaughterInDespair Looking at your responces, I'm guessing we had to trust ourselves. I know I was labeled illiterate by my BPD mom - as I am dyslexic. She tried so hard to convince me I was stupid (as was she) as I struggled to spell etc... . Yet my school teachers throught I was some sort of genious. Who do you believe ?  We're supposed to trust family first. But I think I ended up trusting my friends first - they were far more complementary.

If you were an only child born to a BPD, I'm guessing they couldn't use triangulation on you. Where you the scapegoat or golden child, or both ? My sis is 6 yeas younger, and was the lost child - she felt very alone, also. So even when we have siblins - the BPD ensure we

don't collaberate.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

"They don't know the real you"

That really hit home for me... .

I left home at 19 to figure out if I really was as bad as my mother (BP) and younger sister(BP) said I was.

My life has turned out pretty wonderfully, of course with the  same problems all people will have at one time or another. I have enjoyed many loyal friendships over the  years. The oldest for 50 yrs. I can count 5 of these friends as deep and mutually satisfying -- without drama, able to right themselves after the inevitable but infrequent misunderstandings, with no grudges or pettiness.

All in all - now know I am not as bad as they said I was. Once, in a phone call, when I mentioned how grateful I was for my good friends, my mom said, "They're not really your friends. They don't know you like we know you."  I said, "Mom, you can't fool people for 20 yrs... . "

I am sure you get what I am saying.  Like what are these people thinking? they are the ones who don't know the real me!

[Turkish]

"They don't know the real you"

I am sure you get what I am saying.  Like what are these people thinking? they are the ones who don't know the real me!