Getting the silent treatment... but need to sort stuff What do I do?

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all,

Well you can see the full story of my relationship with my dBPDbf which has brought me to where I am now on the L1 message board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226538.0

Today marks 2.5 weeks of silent treatment after a disagreement and exactly 2 weeks since I was blocked on his social media and messaging apps and apart from a minor attempt on his part to provoke me into a response... . NOTHING. I haven't contacted him. He hasn't contacted me. (This is the first time this has ever happened in our relationship and to my nonBPD mind a two week silence is as good as a breakup but after reading some things on here who knows what this means to him?). 

This few weeks of silence has given me time to think and truthfully, I feel that (very sadly) this relationship isn't going to be for me however there are a few housekeeping matters to sort out. Namely I have quite a bit of stuff at his house (although he may have burnt this in a bonfire in his back garden... . ), an online subscription that is in his name which I am paying for needs to be sorted and he owes me some money (some of which he has already repayed).

None of this is hugely pressing at this very second although I find the whole situation absolutely ludicrous, I mean my last ex (non BPD) was a total and utter you-know-what however we still managed to sort matters caused by the split! My gut feeling is that he is expecting me to contact him about these things, I know he knows they need sorting but I am considering the best way to go about this... . any ideas? Or should I just write it all off?

[christoff522]

Online subscription > contact the company and finish it, if you need to cancel the direct debit.

Please forgive what I'm about to say, you're making excuses because you want to contact him.

For your own sake, begin to view it as over... work towards healing. Silent Treatment is him now going off and finding new girls. Chances are he will come back for a week then horrendously dump you, in as painful a way as possible. Don't allow it.

[blissful_camper]

Silent treatment is abusive.  If it were me, I would let the money owed and personal stuff left behind at his place go, unless there was some sentimental artifact that couldn't be replaced.  It's just not worth it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Blonde-

Two weeks isn't very long and you're still enmeshed with him.  Better to forget about the 'stuff' for now and focus on you, your detachment, and your life moving forward, if you are committed to it being over with him.  There are a lot of good resources on this site for detaching, addressing your beliefs and knowing what to expect; read them all, it will help.

If he does exhibit BPD traits he will end up feeling abandoned eventually and probably contact you.  It will be important to steel yourself for that and learn the ways to deal with it so you don't end up susceptible and emotionally engage.

Take care of you!

[corraline]

blonderunner

It might be a good idea to take care of the online thing on your own as others have suggested.  Are the personal items very important to you right now? Can you live without them ?If you must have them back you could always send a message with a request to have them returned to a neutral place.  Silent treatment is so painful.  I went through that often.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Christoff552,

Please forgive what I'm about to say, you're making excuses because you want to contact him.

Haha! No need to be forgiven, you're 100% right! This is something I have acknowledged within myself. Deep down I do believe I should stick with NC. Honestly, I'm not having massive issues in maintaining this - it crosses my mind but I wouldn't say I am fighting an enormous urge to contact him (guess my stubborn side is coming out to play). Oh and I do view it as over, as difficult as that is. I've never been treated so poorly in my life and will not accept it. I'm just irritated I guess.

Hi BlissfulCamper

I would let the money owed and personal stuff left behind at his place go, unless there was some sentimental artifact that couldn't be replaced. 

I can let my possessions go. The money owed does bother me as it was a substantial amount. I did leave some killer shoes at his though 


Hi Heeltoheal,

Better to forget about the 'stuff' for now and focus on you, your detachment, and your life moving forward, if you are committed to it being over with him. 

If he does exhibit BPD traits he will end up feeling abandoned eventually and probably contact you.  It will be important to steel yourself for that and learn the ways to deal with it so you don't end up susceptible and emotionally engage.

Thank you so much and agreed- I am very much focusing on moving forward. Exhibit BPD traits? He's diagnosed and is a complete textbook case. Thank you for the heads up re: possible future contact. I am not sure whether that has been a pattern for him in the past or not.

Hi Corraline,

blonderunner

Are the personal items very important to you right now? Can you live without them ? Silent treatment is so painful.  I went through that often.

I can live without them. It's the owed money that bothers me but for the time being I will let it go. Isn't it so painful to be on the end of this treatment? I am doing my best to soldier on.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone,

Last night I went for a long run to figure out exactly why I want to contact my dBPDexbf. I uncovered the following: Do I want to get back together with him? YES. Will I get back together with him? NO.

I've never gone back to an ex - I’m very headstrong and once I’ve picked my path I do stick with it, no matter how painful. I have very high standards of what I expect in a relationship (and rightly so) and once those have been breached there really is no going back for me. Don’t think for a second I don’t find it difficult or upsetting, I do, but I very much stick to my guns and remember the bigger picture.

The main thing is – I want my money back! I lent my dBPDexbf $2700 in good faith, to help him out of a sticky spot with a clear agreement (which actually happens to be in writing!) that it would be paid back. I really don’t see why I shouldn’t request he do what was agreed (he had already started to pay some of it back anyway). He has a  job that is very well paid (almost double what I earn) and he can and should pay it back. 

I definitely think I should wait until I feel stronger in myself until I deal with this as I don’t know what response I will get from him and how this might make me feel – it could be anything from further silence to a charm offensive to a tirade of abuse to him just getting on with it and sorting it out (your guess is as good as mine!).  Two weeks really isn’t that long, but when I feel ready I do think I should approach him about this, I would with any ex – BPD or NonBPD.

[Should I stay or...]

 ... . Three weeks ago we had a fight, it wasn't a nasty, raging, "name calling" fight (I don't enter into those) but a strong disagreement nonetheless - to cut a long story short my BPDbf has badgered me for ages about living together, something I am not ready for and made clear although I agreed to have a discussion about possible time frames, sensible expectations etc as it seemed to be something causing him much frustration and distress. I felt this was reasonable. He then did a complete 180 on me and claimed that he doesn't want to live together and I quote "said it all because I love you and want to be with you so I wanted to make myself feel that way" (despite zero pressure from me!). I was angry and incredibly irritated by this revelation, as someone who has always been truthful and honest in this relationship. The argument later spilled into text and after receiving a message saying he was sorry for hurting me and wanted to take some time to think about why he "behaves like this" I, in my anger, shot off an unwise message asking for my possessions back (I keep a lot of clothes and shoes at his house as I often go to work from his) while he does all his thinking and if he has anything I want to hear then I'm all ears.

BR,

I believe in this pragraph that you wrote summarizes the root of your recent problem... . he was vulnerable when he asked you to live together and you became vulnerable when he retracted his statement. You, being vulnerable, asked for your possessions back... . you state that it was an unwise message. Both of you have been giving mixed signals, right? Both of you want each other but aren't being adult about it.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Should I Stay... .

Yes, the signals were mixed on both sides and yes, in retrospect my text was unwise as it was childish and sent in the heat of the moment (you're bang on, I felt vulnerable which I am absolutely not good at and therefore got hurt and angry).

This past (almost) three weeks has given me time to think and I just don't think it's going to work.  I couldn't, for instance, live in fear of this happening again. It isn't acceptable to me to go silent on my partner for over two weeks, it's so far across the line! I have never experienced such a thing in my life!

Um, I think it's safe to say that he doesn't want me - I reached out and he ignored it completely and he has removed me from most of his social media, messaging apps etc. I haven't heard a peep so I am putting a lot of effort into moving forwards.

[Should I stay or...]

Hey BR,

I didn't know how you would take my bluntness, phew... . all good. Rejection sucks, there's no fun in it, no matter how much I try to see the positive in being so. If it helps here's my run away story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225647.0

[BlondeRunner]

Hi!

No issue with bluntness, I’m renowned for not sugar coating anything 

Wow. Your story almost made me cry. I don’t know how you kept doing it. That’s a big thing for me – I don’t think I could ever do this again which is why I think it’s in my best interests to leave, no matter how painful.

I do hope you heal from this soon   

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all,

Just a quickie to thank you all for your stellar advice above. 

I took it very much on board and the good news is: first hurdle down. Online thing is now in my name with the password changed and didn't need to contact him. One small victory to BlondeRunner!

Bizarrely, since switching it over I have realised that he would have been getting regular emails going  “Hi Blonde Runner! So and so has updated their categories... . ” or “Hi BlondeRunner! Thanks for following... . ”. He would have known this needed sorting! Why not just freaking well do it instead of leaving it? For goodness sake!