"It's hard to hate someone once you understand them"

[Narellan]

“It’s hard to hate someone once you understand them.” -Lucy Christopher

I just read this quote on the boards today and this is where I'm struggling ATM. All my good work and resolve around NC seems to have gone. It's been a rough couple of weeks with my exBPD returning back to our local Suberb and staying NC, my ex best friend still begging me to get our friendship back, and the worst trigger was my parents returning home after 4 months interstate. When they left we were not on speaking terms due to my relationship. Because I've always been very close with them, they are asking questions that have been so difficult to answer.

They have known of my exBPD since he was a child, and involved in a serious car accident. They had preconceived ideas about him being a weirdo, and my sister fed them with stories and her negative opinion of him. My father was asking questions about how he functions in the real world. They believe he is retarded. So it opened wounds for me and I told them lots about our time together which I'd never had a chance to before. They were astounded at the depth of my sadness. I also emailed my father links to awards my exBPD has received for his photography and an email detailing how he lives and supports himself. The way they were talking they had the opinion he couldn't even wipe his own ar$e !

My dad asked " does he manage his own finances and pay bills etc?"

My sister told them his brain was mush.

It was hard to talk about him again, and of course I was sobbing from the memories but the picture they had in their heads of him was so untrue. My mum asked why I'm still defending him. So I emailed a " fact sheet" of his work and accolades, newspaper articles etc. my dad believed he just wandered around taking photos for no income. Every library and national gallery in Australia has purchased his work. I could see the confusion on my dads face, that my information did not match my sisters.

I kept the email to facts, and then at the bottom I added a few " feelings" about him as a person. Kind, caring, spiritual etc etc.

It felt therapeutic. I never got a chance to " yell from the rooftops " how happy and in love I was, and what a good person he was. As soon as the relationship went public with photos he posted of us on holidays, the $hit hit the fan and he was gone. So I missed out on that step as the relationship had been kept a secret for many months.

In my email I said if they attack him I will defend him. I still will. Beacause I understand him now and I can't hate him.

Along with all this pouring out of information is the profound sadness again.

But I feel it's the right thing to have done, to set them straight. I just wonder though if I'm justifying why I fell in love with someone everyone thinks of as a " nutjob"

I don't want to disclose all I've learned about BPD and I didn't. I tried to stick to facts, but my fondness for him and attachment is back again.

One step forward, 3 steps back ATM.

Thanks god he's leaving me alone, I'm unsure of my response to him now if he comes to the door.

[seeking balance]

It felt therapeutic. I never got a chance to " yell from the rooftops " how happy and in love I was, and what a good person he was. As soon as the relationship went public with photos he posted of us on holidays, the $hit hit the fan and he was gone. So I missed out on that step as the relationship had been kept a secret for many months.

In my email I said if they attack him I will defend him. I still will. Beacause I understand him now and I can't hate him.

Along with all this pouring out of information is the profound sadness again.

But I feel it's the right thing to have done, to set them straight. I just wonder though if I'm justifying why I fell in love with someone everyone thinks of as a " nutjob"

I don't want to disclose all I've learned about BPD and I didn't. I tried to stick to facts, but my fondness for him and attachment is back again.

One step forward, 3 steps back ATM.

Thanks god he's leaving me alone, I'm unsure of my response to him now if he comes to the door.

Narellan, we all want our parents approval - no matter what our age.

You loved him, that was real for you - it doesn't matter that he might have looked like a "nutjob" to everyone else... . justifying why we love someone shouldn't be necessary - but when we feel like we are not measuring up to someone else's standards - well, there we go.

Setting a boundary with your family regarding defending him is good - this boundary will help you - can you see how it will help?

[Narellan]

"Setting a boundary with your family regarding defending him is good - this boundary will help you - can you see how it will help?"

Yes I can. If they don't attack him I won't need to defend him. I won't get pulled into their anger over him. I've asked that we not speak of him anymore now, and everyone just to move on without anger and blame. I said it really upsets me that they despise him.

They know my boundaries now. I don't want to be pulled into situations where I'm acting as a rescuer to him anymore. It's just another Triangulation, and I'm so over them!

My mother and sister can be quite viscous, and I'm really on edge trying to be the peacemaker. She's trying to rescue me in the only way she knows how. She sees how distraught I am, so she says " he's pathetic, a weirdo. Don't take any more $hit from him"

This is her way of coping, but it's not mine. I hate hearing this talk about him, and I straight away want to defend him. For all sorts of reasons. I can't stand bullying or blaming or viscious anger. And I rarely feel anger towards people. So I'm sort of stuck in the grief cycle somewhere between denial and acceptance.

It does feel therapeutic though to have " justified " myself. Even if acceptance comes from them in the form of not having ill feeling towards him I can deal with it.

Hopefully  

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Narellen,

I don't think we have to hate them. Is hating or loving them the only options? I don't live by that quote. It's just understanding enough to know that it's not meant to be is how I look at it all. I'll just say I don't like my ex or what she stands for. Even though she probably has BPD there is no excuse of what she did to me. Too much of it was calculated and there is no remorse after the fact shown. Is she the Devil? No. The Devil is the Devil.

So what has triggered your change of heart toward your ex? It looks like its related to your parents critical comments right? Probably telling your parents how great he is in such detail is bringing back good memories. Hard to detach with the good memories in your mind right? Is this more about proving to your parents you don't make mistakes?

AO

[Narellan]

Hi AO, I've admitted to them I've made mistakes, so I don't think it's that. But it could be? It's more that he's been painted in a really bad light by my sister and I never got the opportunity to speak of him in any way shape or form. They didn't know I was with him. So my sister poisoned them with her opinion. She apparently was crying and distraught I was with " her childhood friend, how dare I?" And painted him really really black to my parents. It's where all the conflict started. My sister is aggressive and has lost many friends from her sharp tongue.

My heart hasn't really changed much. I still love him. But what's changed is my mind. I understand him now and can't be with him. I can't live in this world of pain and confusion. I need to be apart from him for my own sanity. But yes you're right, those memories and presenting my parents with good facts have triggered me. Because they threw so much negative at me, I overcompensated with positives. I know my exBPD has lots of flaws and negatives, but I didn't raise them. There was already enough persecution coming from them anyway.

You're right I have to get the balance back.

Today ill remember a few hurtful things and that will wake me up to reality a bit.

Thanks x

[seeking balance]

They know my boundaries now. I don't want to be pulled into situations where I'm acting as a rescuer to him anymore. It's just another Triangulation, and I'm so over them!

My mother and sister can be quite viscous, and I'm really on edge trying to be the peacemaker. She's trying to rescue me in the only way she knows how. She sees how distraught I am, so she says " he's pathetic, a weirdo. Don't take any more $hit from him"

This is her way of coping, but it's not mine. I hate hearing this talk about him, and I straight away want to defend him. For all sorts of reasons. I can't stand bullying or blaming or viscious anger. And I rarely feel anger towards people. So I'm sort of stuck in the grief cycle somewhere between denial and acceptance.

It does feel therapeutic though to have " justified " myself. Even if acceptance comes from them in the form of not having ill feeling towards him I can deal with it.

Hopefully  

We cannot make people behave differently, even family.  I actually had to tell my mom that my divorce talk was off limits - she was pissed, but I simply didn't have it in me... . funny how we can look back on these relationships and see where we first stop having boundaries... . FOO is where we learn these less than healthy boundaries.

You did a really big thing in all of this - I hope you can see this.

[Narellan]

Yes, thanks SB  

My mother and sister thrive on drama. My mother has turned this into a weird " Romeo and Juliet " type of drama. My mum started throwing abusing accusations at his family. She said " I HATE his mother. She was always weird bla bla bla"

I had to defend his family also. And say that I disagreed with her and that I liked them.

ExBPD's mum said to me during all the conflict " you only get one mother Narellan." I told her at the moment her son was my priority and I loved him more.

I think my mum would feel ashamed of herself if she knew me exBPD's mum was In batting for her. I want her to be ashamed of her abuse towards everyone.

None of it was her business.

Boundaries have been set now, but my mum doesn't do boundaries very well. That's why I emailed dad  

[Mutt]

My dad asked " does he manage his own finances and pay bills etc?"

My sister told them his brain was mush.

My mother and sister can be quite viscous, and I'm really on edge trying to be the peacemaker. She's trying to rescue me in the only way she knows how. She sees how distraught I am, so she says " he's pathetic, a weirdo. Don't take any more $hit from him"

funny how we can look back on these relationships and see where we first stop having boundaries... . FOO is where we learn these less than healthy boundaries.

If you look at the comments from your dad, mother and sister. Do you see that they are invalidating? My family is much the same way about my ex.

[Narellan]

Yes Mutt, so true. Is that why I'm going all out to defend him?

My mother said " can't you see that nothing good has come out of the r/s? Everyone has been hurt. Why do you need a man in your life anyway? You're stronger than this. We just have to love you to bits to get our daughter back"

I'm 48 by the way. I wouldn't interfere in my 16 year old sons relationship to this degree. In fact I said to bring his gf over for tea one night, then I changed my mind and said " you know what mate, keep her to yourself. Have fun and spend time just the two of you. Everything changes and gets messed up when you involve other people"

It makes me feel really sad when I reflect on that.

[seeking balance]

I think my mum would feel ashamed of herself if she knew me exBPD's mum was In batting for her. I want her to be ashamed of her abuse towards everyone.

Here is your golden nugget in healing - your mum is who she is - radical acceptance means grieving the mother you wanted (one that would be ashamed) so you can accept the one you got.  This is not a light exercise, are you working with a T on your FOO stuff?

[Mutt]

Both my father and sister are invalidating. I fought hard trying to defend my ex to both.

I had to radically accept that this is how they are. I grew up in an invalidating environment. That lead me to my path to my ex and her idealization, validation. I didn't know how to validate myself.

Despite everything that transpired between my ex and I, I can say that I do not hate her, because I understand. I can't control what my family thinks. My feelings are my own. She is a person with feelings, that has a disorder. I'm a person with feelings with baggage. I still care for her, but can't be with her because a line was crossed with her infidelity.

[Narellan]

Have only just touched on it SB. Only in relation to where I fit with my siblings. I'm the oldest, T knew that ... . My nasty sister is the middle one, and always makes competitions out of nothing. My youngest( by 6 years) sister is a psychologist and similar minded to me . We both believed a theory that our middle sister wasn't fathered by our father at one point. Just tongue in cheek, but she really is different. As she's gotten older though, I see she's exactly like my mum. And we are more calm and rational like my dad.

Lots of work to be done here with my T I think... ,

By the way my mother thinks if u need to see a T , you're nuts. She told me in a bit "off" ATM so she thinks it's good I'm going 

[seeking balance]

By the way my mother thinks if u need to see a T , you're nuts. She told me in a bit "off" ATM so she thinks it's good I'm going 

My mom was a big believer that I was the problem, thus I needed a T - yet, she is perfect... .

It was no real shock when I called my own T with the big realization, "oh my god, I married my mother"... . fun times

BUT, if you work through it - it will get better, we do change and look at our families differently, time has a funny way of doing that.  Radical Acceptance.

[BorisAcusio]

Hi Narellen,

I don't think we have to hate them. Is hating or loving them the only options? I don't live by that quote. It's just understanding enough to know that it's not meant to be is how I look at it all. I'll just say I don't like my ex or what she stands for. Even though she probably has BPD there is no excuse of what she did to me. Too much of it was calculated and there is no remorse after the fact shown. Is she the Devil? No. The Devil is the Devil.

So what has triggered your change of heart toward your ex? It looks like its related to your parents critical comments right? Probably telling your parents how great he is in such detail is bringing back good memories. Hard to detach with the good memories in your mind right? Is this more about proving to your parents you don't make mistakes?

AO

I have to agree with AO. First off, they are all truly capable of horrible things. Like with a ticking bomb, the question is not whetether it's going to happen but when. As SB stated, radical acceptence is the key. Understanding them will make us stop engaging in the disordered dance, realizing there is no way it could/will work out. You don't have to hate him as it's not binary.

[Red Sky]

Firstly... . Hugs. Hugs definitely required.

Coming to the stuff with your mother. Does she recognise he may have BPD? I know you had your disagreements with her over the relationship, but I kind of wonder whether she is objecting to what she perceives as disagreeable versus what hurt you. It's 'how could you get yourself hurt by making him your 'partner in crime'', so to speak, versus 'how could you get involved with someone with a PD?'

If you accept that your child has been dealing with a partner with BPD, things look different, but it requires the parent to understand why the child is hurting... . Tying in very well with your quote about not being able to hate what you understand. If you're feeling like you've been painted a little black, which I think you do feel, from your need to defend your actions, would you be able to explain to your mother why it ended? Or is it too emotionally risky to you?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Narellan: Sweetheart... . such a kind person to all except yourself.  

It is not him you are defending but your choice.  And of course, you are defending your choice to yourself as well.  Your parents are a tool that has broken the dam and is allowing you to let it all out.  There is good in every relationship that deserves a strong and vigorous defense.   You did accumulate some good memories in that relationship.  Those are worthy of defense.  You know that every living organism... . and especially the sentient human race is in itself worthy of certain acceptance and respect and inherently valuable.

Your defense comes from a visceral kindness.

One of the clinical definition of insanity is "absence of altruism".

By this definition... . you are entirely sane.  :-)

[Red Sky]

Also: for me 'radical acceptance' meant accepting that my parents wouldn't necessarily approve of all my lifestyle choices but they would always love me anyway. For them, I think there was a bit of acceptance that they would rather have a daughter who wanted to be a part of their lives than one who felt driven away from them by their disapproval. Which largely boils down to 'let's not talk about it ever ever ever again.'

Pallavirajsinghani... . That was lovely :3

[Narellan]

Thank you all... . Beautiful words of wisdom 

I'm still waiting a reply from my father which is unusual to get no response. He is vigilant about replying. Maybe the facts about his success were too confronting to what they had been told? I hope it doesn't stir up disagreement with my sister now. That really puts me ill at ease. Because she retaliates and will pick a fight with my exBPD for causing problems   I did ask my parents not to discuss anything with her.

It's very difficult knowing what's the right and wrong thing to do. But I couldn't sit there in all honesty and listen to lies about how retarded, and unsuccessful  he is. I did mention to my parents he has some issues about coping with his emotions. Hopefully that's all I need to say. All my research is just theory not fact. So I don't want to get into that with them. I told them about the abrupt hurtful end to the r/s. that's all they need to know. I can't trust that things I tell them won't be passed on to my sister and then disclosed to my exBPD. I don't want him to think for a minute how much he's devastated me, and that I'm even still thinking about him 3 months later. I know he will attempt a recycle for sure if he thinks I feel this way.

Thankyou for the hugs and love... . I can feel them despite the many miles and oceans