How do you guys keep things in perspective/reality?

[Octoberfest]

I am having the hardest time keeping things accurate/based in reality in my mind concerning my BPDex. I know the facts, logically speaking: She is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a slut, not very smart, with a crazy family.  In my mind though my emotional side paints a picture of the sweet girl that I fell in love with.  It is really frustrating because that image/projection makes all sorts of other possible thoughts possible.  For example, the event/fact that she has a new boyfriend (she is actually on number AT LEAST 5 since we split up 13 months ago).  If I was only looking at the facts, I would be able to say (and more importantly believe), "Hey, too bad for that guy, I'm not missing out.  That girl is a terrible person, thank God I am not with her anymore. I win."  But with the distortion I am dealing with, it is, "I can't believe she has a boyfriend who isn't me, what if she makes it work and rides off into the sunset super happy forever after (even though I have seen at least 4 guys come AND GO).  It is these negative thoughts that bring me down, and I really want to get rid of them because I am tired of devoting time to my BPDex. Anyone have ideas?

[myself]

She's both of those. Sweet and horrible. One much more than the other, which is why you're detaching from her. As far as perspective, it comes down to focusing, which is a constant process. Keep looking at the facts. Concentrate on what's good about you, not what's bad about her. Feelings are deeply important, but can also keep us hanging on if they become negative patterns. Why do you think you're distorting things? Because you're mad? Hurt? Want the wrongs to be righted? See it as you're the one heading off into a better life. Looking in that direction will help your eyes not stare into the past. 

[LettingGo14]

It is these negative thoughts that bring me down, and I really want to get rid of them because I am tired of devoting time to my BPDex. Anyone have ideas?

Hello Octoberfest.  I'm going to take a crack at articulating my new perspective, for which I apologize in advance if unclear or unhelpful.

I stumbled into this community four months ago feeling like an addict in need of a fix.  I knew -- at least intellectually -- that my ex-girlfriend had split me, and painted me black, a few months earlier.  I also knew that our relationship, while emotional, was unsatisfying and unstable.  Yet, despite everything, my heart -- and its rose colored glasses -- clung to her memory, and ached because I had been replaced.

Over the past months, I've found a couple things:

1. My rational mind could not solve my heart's dilemma.  It was almost like my brain had a software glitch, and it cycled and recycled the same thoughts in search of an answer.

2. Because of this, I've had to turn away from my rational mind, and focus on the emotions churning inside of me -- anger, fear, love, shame, grief.  Sitting with these emotions -- rather than trying to excise them from my consciousness -- and "allowing" them to exist opened some doors for me.

3. My ex-girlfriend exists --- NOW --- purely in my imagination.   Everything about her -- good and bad -- is simply a story I tell myself.  I say this because she's no longer present in my life, and because anything I am "stuck" on [for example, being replaced] is merely a product of my thinking.

4. Because of this, I have tried to re-examine, re-frame, and re-evaluate "how" I think, and -- as a byproduct -- how I feel.   I try to start with a realistic view: (a) the relationship was unstable, (b) at times I loved her with all my heart while, other times, I abhorred our relationship, and (c) the only thing I can control is how I relate to what happened.  I still have the capacity to love -- she did not take that with her.  I just have to accept that it's there too, with the hurt and the pain.

5. If I quiet my brain, I'm left with the fact that I still hurt.  And, that's okay.   I don't need to spin deeper into hurt by imagining her happy now, or being with the replacement, or... . whatever.    I can hurt.  I can feel.  I can cut the source of any power I gave to her.  She's gone, except in my imagination.   She's just another person among 7 billion in the world.

The point I hope I'm making is that it doesn't matter what happened anymore, it's now how I relate to it.   I still get "stuck" at times, but I can work with more and more.

[Octoberfest]

I'd say that I am hurt and do feel a sense of injustice.  It has really messed with me that all the people that I trusted (my BPDex and my friends) betrayed me and screwed me over.  Overall it just seems like this can't be it, it can't be over.  Maybe it in a weird way seems like I played a game and got my ass kicked, and can't believe the clock ran out before I had a chance to make my comeback.  I mean I was the one to end things finally and say enough is enough, but even if I hadn't I wouldn't ever been able to make my BPDex stop cheating or lying, and I sure couldn't undo all the hurtful things that she did.  

Bottom line I would like to be able to see her in real life and shake my head, and say, and believe, "That was sure a crazy part of my life, thank God I got out of there", instead of getting flushed and having a rush of memories and pain and turmoil come to the surface.  I am perfectly capable of looking back at past endeavors where at the time I sure thought I was in pretty rough, choppy water and laugh at my naivete and my mistakes.  With my BPDex I look back and still feel hurt.

[Turkish]

I am having the hardest time keeping things accurate/based in reality in my mind concerning my BPDex. I know the facts, logically speaking: She is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a slut, not very smart, with a crazy family.  In my mind though my emotional side paints a picture of the sweet girl that I fell in love with.  It is really frustrating because that image/projection makes all sorts of other possible thoughts possible.  For example, the event/fact that she has a new boyfriend (she is actually on number AT LEAST 5 since we split up 13 months ago).  If I was only looking at the facts, I would be able to say (and more importantly believe), "Hey, too bad for that guy, I'm not missing out.  That girl is a terrible person, thank God I am not with her anymore. I win."  But with the distortion I am dealing with, it is, "I can't believe she has a boyfriend who isn't me, what if she makes it work and rides off into the sunset super happy forever after (even though I have seen at least 4 guys come AND GO).  It is these negative thoughts that bring me down, and I really want to get rid of them because I am tired of devoting time to my BPDex. Anyone have ideas?

Is it still possible to play within the Karpman Triangle with the other person in the r/s missing?

Your rational mind sees the dysfunctional pattern, and you are aware of your emotions being stuck. I'll leave aside theorizing if she will actually go the distance in a r/s where she didn't with you. Maybe she'll be good for someone else, who knows? 50+ more years of life is a long time to get things right, as well as get them wrong.

My question is, was she good for you?

[Octoberfest]

I am having the hardest time keeping things accurate/based in reality in my mind concerning my BPDex. I know the facts, logically speaking: She is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a slut, not very smart, with a crazy family.  In my mind though my emotional side paints a picture of the sweet girl that I fell in love with.  It is really frustrating because that image/projection makes all sorts of other possible thoughts possible.  For example, the event/fact that she has a new boyfriend (she is actually on number AT LEAST 5 since we split up 13 months ago).  If I was only looking at the facts, I would be able to say (and more importantly believe), "Hey, too bad for that guy, I'm not missing out.  That girl is a terrible person, thank God I am not with her anymore. I win."  But with the distortion I am dealing with, it is, "I can't believe she has a boyfriend who isn't me, what if she makes it work and rides off into the sunset super happy forever after (even though I have seen at least 4 guys come AND GO).  It is these negative thoughts that bring me down, and I really want to get rid of them because I am tired of devoting time to my BPDex. Anyone have ideas?

Is it still possible to play within the Karpman Triangle with the other person in the r/s missing?

Your rational mind sees the dysfunctional pattern, and you are aware of your emotions being stuck. I'll leave aside theorizing if she will actually go the distance in a r/s where she didn't with you. Maybe she'll be good for someone else, who knows? 50+ more years of life is a long time to get things right, as well as get them wrong.

My question is, was she good for you?

The messed up part is that when I read the bolded part, something rose up inside me and said "But that's not OK!".  Although I suppose being "good" for someone does not mean that you are "good". Two bad people can be good for each other.  I guess i struggle with the fact that I was likely the best guy she has ever had (and she has had a lot, many loser types), one who stuck through a lot of ___ and tried to help her sort things out, and I worry about, "What if she meets a respectable, going places dude and acts perfect for him? That means it was me!".  In hindsight I wish she was still dating the fat, tattooed out greasy dude.  At least then I knew she wasn't going anywhere  .

I do see the point though.  It shouldn't matter who she is dating... . I am living MY life, not hers.  Maybe that is a part of it... . that I still see her, and her value, tied to me and my value. That her going and whoring around speaks badly about me because I stayed and tried so hard to make it work with a girl like that.  This is all compounded by the fact that she seems to be reconnecting to many people close to me/memories (like my former best friend and former close friend, the two that made out and had sex with her behind my back).  I don't talk to either dudes anymore, but I see them occasionally and it is weird to know they have reconnected with her when it was such a big deal and explosion back when it all happened. 

Sorry to get sidetracked, I am living MY life.  I, for ME, do not want a girl who has slept with everyone, who cheats, who lies, and who is an all around mess (my BPDex is not a successful, popular, high functioning one).  Someone else can want that, can be ok with that, but I see people who do those things as awful, worthless people, and I am not OK with my significant other being that way.

[enlighten me]

In a way I am lucky.

I had a very messy divorce. My ex wife dumped me while I was overseas and I didn't see it coming. She then drew me back in and then dumped me again while I was away. This destroyed me and I eventually managed to get over her and put her behind me.

Now with my ex girlfriend there are so many emotions that I went through before that they are almost dulled down. Not that I didn't feel them as intensely but I had been over them so many times before that I didn't need to do it as much. Its a bit like talking to people about what your going through. You want to talk and talk and talk to anyone who will listen but one day your bored of talking about it. You've got it out of your system.

I am beginning to think that both my ex wife and ex gf both had BPD. The signs for the ex gf are more obvious but as I read more about BPD I start to see it in my ex wife but they were 2 different sides of the BPD coin. The ex gf was the angry in your face where as the ex wife was the quiet resentful type.

The way I am really coping with this is by being practical and looking at the worse case scenario. I tell myself that she has already moved on, I am now relegated to a bad mistake and that she never truly loved me. With this in mind I then think how much happier and relaxed I am not being caught up in it, her future relationships will all fail and any dreams or goals I had before meeting her are now achievable as she cant hold me back. That said though it still hurts. You just need to find your anchor to the reality of the situation. I also have examples of her bad behaviour in my mind that I can replay to remind me of how bad it was.

Don't know if that helps you at all but I hope it does

[myself]

"What if she meets a respectable, going places dude and acts perfect for him? That means it was me!"

It sounds like it would take a lot of changing for her to get to that point. Not 'acting'. If she ever does, good for her. It wouldn't erase how she was with you (and others), would it? It wouldn't alter how you were with her, either. Her actions are not really about you or caused by you. The ones that may have been, at the time, are long over. Anything else is on her. Grieving includes leaving behind what isn't ours. You're doing the best thing you can for yourself to stay away from ANYONE who is harmful to you.

[Turkish]

I do see the point though.  It shouldn't matter who she is dating... . I am living MY life, not hers.

My T reminded me that she is a free agent, and no matter how wrong her choices were, she was still free to make them. He brought this up again in the context of talking to S4 accepting that mommy had a bf. He didn't have to like it, but she was free to make that choice.

Maybe that is a part of it... . that I still see her, and her value, tied to me and my value. That her going and whoring around speaks badly about me because I stayed and tried so hard to make it work with a girl like that.  This is all compounded by the fact that she seems to be reconnecting to many people close to me/memories (like my former best friend and former close friend, the two that made out and had sex with her behind my back).  I don't talk to either dudes anymore, but I see them occasionally and it is weird to know they have reconnected with her when it was such a big deal and explosion back when it all happened.  

Do you think it reflects badly in the eyes of how you think others view you, or how you view yourself? We'll leave aside discussing any Caretaker traits for now. You say this was your first love, right? Give yourself a little slack her on making what you only know in retrospect was a poor choice in a gf. You don't think you will do this again, no, now that you have clarity? Which leads to... .

Sorry to get sidetracked, I am living MY life.  I, for ME, do not want a girl who has slept with everyone, who cheats, who lies, and who is an all around mess (my BPDex is not a successful, popular, high functioning one).  Someone else can want that, can be ok with that, but I see people who do those things as awful, worthless people, and I am not OK with my significant other being that way

Values. Mine was intelligent, open, successful, beautiful, and spoke the right language, nevermind all those    I saw in the first weeks of just being friends. I thought I had found it. I thought whatever I did could make it better, "handling" her, as her uBPD dad told me... I feared losing her, and maybe subconciously, I needed to prove that I, objectively far above her previous bfs (and the current one), was worthy enough for her to change. I therefore sacrificed a few of my core values to be with her. That was wrong. I gave up part of who I was to do that. Now I am left wondering why, and vowing not to do that again.

You valued yourself enough to get out of it. That says a lot about your strength. Build on that.