My 4 year roller coaster ride (Extremely Long)

[robert4574]

Year 1

It all started at a single’s party 4 years ago. The party rules stated that you would wear red if you were involved, yellow if you were semi-involved (whatever that means), or green if you were single. I’m single so I am rocking the green shirt with a smile and tons of confidence. The only reason I go is because I am after a particular girl, to my surprise, is wearing yellow. I tread lightly, only to find out that she is interested in someone else. Oh well, life goes on. I stroll over and see a good friend of mine and she is sitting next to a girl with a green shirt.  I sit town and say a few jokes to get them both laughing and end up talking to the green-shirt girl (let’s call her Jessica) for the rest of the night.  I end up leaving and don’t really think much about her.

The next day I wake up and go to the gym and whom do I see? Jessica. Small city. I make some small talk about how I am trying to makeup for all the drinking the night before. I brag about an amazing Halloween party that is coming up and she mentioned she was going as well. I’m already thinking wow, what is going on here?

The party day arrives and we have a great time.  She tells me all her ambitions (Marine Biology) and how she was in the Navy and is now going to school full-time while bartending. I eat it all up. We end up partying together until NOON. Yes, Noon. It was the first night really hanging out and I’m already thinking about how I want to be in a relationship with this girl.  She seems very intelligent and I feel like she is really into me as well. Not to mention she is gorgeous.  I left the night feeling incredible. We talked about hanging out again soon.

We end up seeing each other a few more times, but I never made a move past friends and neither did she. It wasn’t until mid-December that everything changed. I had a Tahoe tripped planned for a while with 10 friends and invited her to come too. She accepted and rode down with me. Long story short, we were no longer friends after the trip.

I had an old friend (who was a girl) coming to visiting me from High School after the Tahoe trip.  Mind you this had been planned way before I even met Jessica. The good news is that my friend from high school was visiting during the time Jessica was away visiting family. I made it a point to let Jessica know about my friend because it was the right thing to do in that situation. My friend comes to visit and we have a great time. Unfortunately, we end up getting really drunk one night and fooled around. We wake up the next morning and come to an agreement that it was really stupid and that it wouldn’t happen again. The rest of her trip was great; however, Jessica comes back into town early and I really missed her, so I invited her to come out. Immediately I could tell she was not happy. She was acting so cold and distant towards me. My friend from high school and Jessica are having a better time and getting along great. I end up saying that I am tired and I’m just going to go home and pass out. They both say its fine and I reach over and ask my friends to watch over the two of them. I go home and pass out.

3+ hours later I get a phone call from Jessica, “I’m outside, come get your friend right now.” My mind is in “out ___” mode. I put some pants on and run downstairs as fast as I can. Jessica is holding up my friend who can’t even walk. Jessica screams, “Take your friend, right now.” I ask, “What’s wrong?” I already know what has happened before she even tells me. My friend from high school has spilled the beans. I grab my friend and attempted to help her. She is cursing and calling me all sorts of names. I hear her drop her phone and I go to grab it and as I do she sprints off down the street. I lose her in the crowd. Now, I have her phone and she is lost in the city.

I immediately call Jessica to try to put a Band-Aid on the situation. She is pissed and I beg for her forgiveness.  I tell her I want to come over and talk about it. She finally agrees. I go over and we talk for a couple hours and she tells me the whole story of the night. My friend from high school came over to her place and tried to make the moves on her. She says my friend said that since we fooled around it’s okay if they fool around. Jessica wasn’t interested. This is when I realized that my friend from high school was actually bat sh#t crazy. I looked through her phone to get some contact info and there were weird texts from unknown people that scared me. I finally get a call on my phone from my friend. I tell her that I need her to come back to my place and get her stuff and go back home. She agrees. I get Jessica to take me back that night. Not sure how I did it but I did. I end up staying over at her place that night.

I know I was wrong by fooling around with my friend from high school, but the point is Jessica and I weren’t even really together yet. She did forgive me for my mistake, but never forgot. She used it against me for the next 4 years any chance she could. The first month or so after the incident I was walking on eggshells. I guess that’s the reason I didn’t notice so many initial red flags. I just assumed it was a result of my actions.  

Fast forward 6 months into the relationship, Jessica plans at trip to Thailand to visit her deadbeat dad. Her dad lives in Thailand because he is a man child who doesn’t have a job and tries to live off some kind of allowance from his father. At this point I don’t know anything about him really. She plans to go for 3 months. Coincidentally, my lease is up in my apartment and we work out a plan where I will stay at her place for 3 months to save money until I find a new place. I move in and she goes to Thailand. We talk every couple a days during that time. She mentions that I should just stay in her place when she gets back. I am hesitant, but I ultimately accept. She gets back and everything is amazing. We are living together, she is going to school, and I walk to work. Life is great.  She loves me and I’m satisfied.

She eventually tells me more about her father. She didn't see him until she was 11. He was around for a bit during that time, but would always disappear. She said he would often make fun of her and it killed her confidence. I felt really bad and always tried to reassure her that he was a douchebag, she was beautiful, and that she was better off without him. I saw that he would even come back to the states and not even give her a phone call. What a worthless human being.

During our relationship I always paid. I’m not even exaggerating.  I had no problem with it either. I have always been the type of guy to grab the check.  I never even thought anything was wrong with that, until now. She was happy and I was happy, so why did it matter? Well anyways, back to how great things are. We go to the gym together in the morning. She makes dinner and we have sex regularly. We end up taking a trip to Vegas for March Madness. I do it every year to see some of my family. Thought I was a perfect opportunity for her to meet all of them. I tell her to bring a friend because I am most likely going to be really busy with my cousins. She brings one of her friends who is a complete mess. I didn’t care though; I wasn’t hanging out with them. During the trip she was off doing her own thing and coming by sometimes to ask for money. Once again, that was normal to me, just taking care of my girlfriend. We get back and things start to slow down. Honeymoon is over.

[robert4574]

Years 1-3

Slowly she started withholding sex. She used an excuse that she had stomach issues that I still to this day don’t believe. She even went to doctor who diagnosed her with microscopic colitis. I did some research and found out that you can’t really cure it. You are pretty much stuck with it for life. After finding out, I went with her to all of her appointments and took care of her.

I came home one day and she was completely out of it in bed. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was part of an experimental treatment for her incurable disease. She was in one of those tight suits and had bandages on her lower abdomen, shoulders, and back. My first thought was BS, but what if she was right? If so, I am a complete ass. I buy the story for our entire relationship, then come to find out that it was plastic surgery that she didn’t even need. She is now suing the plastic surgeon because she is not happy with it.

More time goes by and she still has the stomach issues, which only seem to come around at home when it’s just me and her…. Hmmmm…... that makes a lot of sense.

We lived in a studio apartment, which had become pretty unbearable to live in. There was just not enough space and privacy. A good friend let me know about a 1 bedroom for a good price nearby. I end up getting it and we move in a month later. I thought this could be a fresh start for us. We move in and things are great. She wants to decorate the apartment. No problem sweetheart. I could care less about the décor. I buy all new furniture for the place. Literally, everything is purchased by me, except for things that she already owned. I start to put together this IKEA wardrobe that I bought for her to put all her clothes in. She tells me she wants to put it together so that she knows how to take it apart if she leaves. Wait, what? Sweetheart, this wasn’t a gift. We argue about that for about an hour.

Now the lease is entirely in my name and of course I’m paying the full amount. She is paying for nothing. She gets money through the military for going to school and it’s a lot because I used to get it as well while I was in school. She never offers to pay for anything and I don’t even care.

She told me in the start of the relationship that she had donated her eggs for a family she knew. I thought it was admirable. Mid-way through our relationship she says that she is going to do it again. I have no objections, it’s her life. She ends up doing it AGAIN after that. Turns out it was always about the money. She got to fly down to LA a few times to take care of it and got like 10k each time. I never saw a dime of it even though I had to put up with the headaches that resulted.

She goes to burning man with her mom every year. She gets back and starts acting really strange. She all of sudden is locking her phone. I ask her why? Of course, she says she always has. I decided to check her phone records. She is so smart to use the same password for everything. Being a good detective, I found out she had been talking to her ex ever since she got back. I confront her and she says that they are just friends. Turns out he camps with her family EVERY year at burning man. Wait, What the heck? Of course, she finds a way to pull me back in. I love you, blah blah blah. You know the story. 

[robert4574]

The END – Last 6 months

She plans a trip to go to Brazil with a few girlfriends. No objections out of me, even though by this point I should be gone. She is gone for almost a month. Comes back and nothing has changed. Our relationship is very blah. If anything good happens it’s because I make it happen. I know how to get into her email so I look and find out she is researching apartments in the area. I decided whether or not to confront her about it and I finally decided I’m going to regardless of the fact that I will be turning myself in for looking into her email. Of course she has an explanation. There is not enough space in our apartment and she just wants a place closer to school that she can work at and hang out in when she is filling ill—obvious BS. In my mind I’m thinking this is good news. I can get rid of her without causing a scene. She will find a place and I will be done with her.

She ends up finding a place with a roommate near school. The girl she is roomed with is a complete alcoholic, which is a testament to her judgement. I even helped her move out.  I noticed her taking a lot of the items I purchased for our place, but I didn’t even care at that point. I just wanted her out. She moves out, but wants to stay together. If not 2 years ago, I should have said it’s over right then, but I didn’t. I stayed with her despite the fact it was obviously over. I wouldn’t even listen to my friends when I told them the story of her moving out, which is about the most they have heard. She continues to stay at my place every other night. Things were actually better because we weren’t always around each other. Just when you think things are looking up. It all comes crashing down. 

Well, it looks like she is going to take ANOTHER trip without me. She is going to go to Thailand with a girlfriend from school. Or at least, that is what she tells me. The trip was for a week. Well, it turns out she went and met her ex-boyfriend who now lives in Thailand. This isn’t even the burning man ex; this is the ex before him. The guy is like in his 40s. Her explanation was that she needed closer. Oh really, after we have been together for 3 years YOU need closer from a double ex? Unbelievable.

So, I’m sick to my stomach. I tell her that I am finished. It was the nicest possible breakup I could do. This is when she finally tells me about her BPD. She was diagnosed while she was in the military and let out early because of it. I started researching and everything made so much sense. I don’t see her for about a week and I continue to ask for my extra set of keys. Of course, she has an excuse every time about it. She is busy. I even offer to come to her place and get them, but nope she doesn’t like that.  It takes about 3 weeks to get my keys back. She drops them off finally at my place and shows up in tears. I try to be a nice guy and console her. She starts prying about my personal life and girls I am talking too. I tell her that it’s really not any of her business. I mentioned the fact that I’m going to block her from all social media for my own good. She goes a bit insane and runs out.

I end up calling her later to make sure she is okay. She is hysterical. I tell her to come back later, so we can resolve this like adults. She drives all the way back to my place and ends up staying the night because it’s like 3am by this point.

I wake up and have to go to work. She is parked far away, so I told her I would give her a ride to her car. We get to my car and she looks at me and says “WOW” someone keyed your car. I look over and the whole right side of my car had been keyed. I looked at her and said “You have got to be kidding me!” She replies, “You don’t think I did it, right?” Actually, I do. Tell her to get out and I go to work.

That was a few weeks ago. Now I stare into the bathroom mirror and am disgusted at what I have become. Checking her email, Facebook, phone records, what is wrong with me? Why did I do this to myself?

All I know is that I am no longer the guy smiling when entering the room or the guy telling jokes. I AM the joke. I have a long way to go, but I’m trying to stay positive; however, the only thing that is keeping me from contacting her is this anger inside.  I have her blocked every way possible and have changed my number. Hopefully, I can stay strong.

I supported her the entire way with a smile on my face. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I saw she had 30k in the bank. Looks like she just saved up a bunch of money our entire relationship. She always said she was broke.

Oddly enough, I am still sad for her. She is so lost and has no idea how to plan for the future or maybe she does and I was just played. I’ve heard her go through wanting to be a marine biologist, a glass blower, fitness instructor, dancer, bartender, etc. It never ends and never will end. 

There is still so much missing from the story. It could probably be 100+ pages long.

Thanks for reading,

Robert

[LettingGo14]

Robert -- thanks for posting.  The details are actually helpful, because I think you'll find like I did, that many of the stories here contain spot-on similarities.   Like you, I had a 4-year relationship.

One of the main challenges in detaching is starting from a position like you articulated, as in What the heck just happened, and "who did I become?"

Many of us start there.  I know I did.

Have you read this list yet?  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

It's a good starting point.

[robert4574]

Robert -- thanks for posting.  The details are actually helpful, because I think you'll find like I did, that many of the stories here contain spot-on similarities.   Like you, I had a 4-year relationship.

One of the main challenges in detaching is starting from a position like you articulated, as in What the heck just happened, and "who did I become?"

Many of us start there.  I know I did.

Have you read this list yet?  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

It's a good starting point.

Thanks for the quick response LettingGo14! I haven't, but I will definitely check it out. I'm actually scheduling an appointment to see a therapist soon. A bit nervous because I have never been before or even thought of it, but the fact is there is something going on with me that has allowed this pathetic excuse for a relationship to happen. I definitely want to get to the bottom of it before I attempt any normal relationship. It's mind boggling how I could not register the relationship as anything but normal?

Has anyone been able to get past this and into a healthy relationship?

-Robert

[Ihope2]

Hi Robert4574

Therapy is absolutely the best thing to do right now to help you understand your own relationship dynamics and why you have tolerated certain people and behaviours in the past.  And stay on this message board, the information, support and fellowship here is very healing.

It was here that I first heard about "trauma bond" relationships, and I have just finished reading "Betrayal Bonds" by Patrick Carne MD, which I read about here.

I have also spent my adult life recreating the exploitive relationship patterns that I witnessed and was subjected to in my family of origin.  This has given me a predisposition to enter into relationships with people who are unsafe for me and who exploit me, and yet I have tolerated them and stayed incredibly loyal to them.  This is a betrayal / trauma bond!

All the best on your journey to recovery and healing!

[AwakenedOne]

only thing that is keeping me from contacting her is this anger inside.  

Hi Robert,

I'm 10 months NC with my uBPDstbxw of 4 years. What worked for me was to hold on to that anger (within reason of course) and slowly find ways to vent the anger in a healthy way such as at this site. The anger will keep you from taking her back as you realize from your statement above. The anger should eventually diminish as you detach further from her over time.

Peace,

AO

[robert4574]

only thing that is keeping me from contacting her is this anger inside.  

Hi Robert,

I'm 10 months NC with my uBPDstbxw of 4 years. What worked for me was to hold on to that anger (within reason of course) and slowly find ways to vent the anger in a healthy way such as at this site. The anger will keep you from taking her back as you realize from your statement above. The anger should eventually diminish as you detach further from her over time.

Peace,

AO

Hi AO,

I can't wait to be 10 months NC, congrats to you. I am a very passive guy and I try to avoid conflict, which makes no sense why I stayed in this relationship. Right now, I am masking the anger. I've been channeling it in the gym right now, which has always been the case. Now I am just hitting it even harder.

The last thing that I said to her was very hateful yet very accurate. I wanted to let her now the damage she done albeit she probably doesn't even understand. The problem is that hateful messages like this always cause her to act even more crazy, so I am preparing for the time that she shows up at my doorstep because that is the only way she can get to me. I have her blocked in every way imaginable.

She has meet up with every ex she has ever had during our relationship. I'm sure she is thinking I will be there just like them. Sorry sweetheart, not today, not ever.

[AwakenedOne]

I held on to the anger and kept a remembrance of all the nasty things she's done to me. If the anger was getting overwhelming I posted and vented here or screamed out her name in my house that she is a ***** or played my guitar to relax. I looked at the list I made of the horrible stuff she did to me and asked myself is this what love and relationship is supposed to be? Top of my list is mine abandoned me in a very horrific way. Maybe on your list that $30k hiding of money would be something to add.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself though for putting up with stuff. We always have heard others say to us in life that if we give more love and work harder and forgive things the relationships will work out. That plan doesn't work out though with someone with a mental disorder unfortunately. Maybe find something you never did before that you'd like to do now to take your mind off of her for at least some small moments for a break. I play guitar. I spent a ton of time escaping in music and advancing my skills. I changed my music tastes from heavy metal to bluegrass just to give my mind something positive and different. Hang in there.

[robert4574]

I held on to the anger and kept a remembrance of all the nasty things she's done to me. If the anger was getting overwhelming I posted and vented here or screamed out her name in my house that she is a ***** or played my guitar to relax. I looked at the list I made of the horrible stuff she did to me and asked myself is this what love and relationship is supposed to be? Top of my list is mine abandoned me in a very horrific way. Maybe on your list that $30k hiding of money would be something to add.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself though for putting up with stuff. We always have heard others say to us in life that if we give more love and work harder and forgive things the relationships will work out. That plan doesn't work out though with someone with a mental disorder unfortunately. Maybe find something you never did before that you'd like to do now to take your mind off of her for at least some small moments for a break. I play guitar. I spent a ton of time escaping in music and advancing my skills. I changed my music tastes from heavy metal to bluegrass just to give my mind something positive and different. Hang in there.

Hi AwakenedOne,

I will definitely add that to the list. Another embarrassing red flag was the fact that she was in Brazil when my grandmother passed away. Does she make an attempt to come back early? of course not. I don't even see her for two weeks after her death. I just get a text "Wish I could be there" Sadly, I don't have family in the area, so it was rough time. I'm starting to understand that BPDs just can't handle situations like this. I remember eating with her family and her grandmother called a meeting to talk about her Will. She got hysterical crying for hours.

When told me that I am the ONLY one who knows she has this disorder, I believed it. It might be true, who knows. She has told everyone I ever met that she got out of the military because she has bad knees (which is the initial story I got). Her mom has a lot of the same qualities, not emotionally supportive, but happily re-married. I'm pretty sure my BPD ex didn't get a lot of hugs and kisses when she was a child.

-Robert

Coincidentally, I play guitar as well. It's the one hobby that I had long before my ex that seems to always put me at ease.