Feeling so much pain today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have no idea why I feel so bad today. I've had NC with him for 4 months. He did come to my door a few weeks ago, but I wasn't home and nothing since. He's been quiet. After months of doing so many hurtful things to get a response I think he's given up. I don't want him back at all, well I can't have him back is more accurate. I really miss him today.

Good things have been happening in my life. I've got a new job which I start in a month and will give me so much more quality of life in that I won't be dealing with daily assaults and conflict. ( I work with disabled people). I'm looking forward to a change.

So much has changed in my life since I broke up with him. Lots of good and bad.

On the negative side my whole social connection has ended, and I'm missing that today. I feel like a hermit. I'm happiest when I'm in bed asleep. I waste my days off doing this. Every blond is closed in my house. I work I come home I cook dinner for my boys which I don't eat and then I go to bed.  I feel like the walking dead some days.

When will the grief end? On good days I feel like I'm playing a part. That I have a mask on.i have no interest in anything.

I regrouted my shower to keep busy, took me a week cos I'm such a perfectionist. Great job, except I used the wrong grout and have to start all over. So I feel completely $hit like I can't do anything right. Little things are tipping me over the edge.

When will things get better?

Sorry for such a negative post... . I'm barely here today ...

[Narellan]

I have no idea why I feel so bad today. I've had NC with him for 4 months. He did come to my door a few weeks ago, but I wasn't home and nothing since. He's been quiet. After months of doing so many hurtful things to get a response I think he's given up. I don't want him back at all, well I can't have him back is more accurate. I really miss him today.

Good things have been happening in my life. I've got a new job which I start in a month and will give me so much more quality of life in that I won't be dealing with daily assaults and conflict. ( I work with disabled people). I'm looking forward to a change.

So much has changed in my life since I broke up with him. Lots of good and bad.

On the negative side my whole social connection has ended, and I'm missing that today. I feel like a hermit. I'm happiest when I'm in bed asleep. I waste my days off doing this. Every blond is closed in my house. I work I come home I cook dinner for my boys which I don't eat and then I go to bed.  I feel like the walking dead some days.

When will the grief end? On good days I feel like I'm playing a part. That I have a mask on.i have no interest in anything.

I regrouted my shower to keep busy, took me a week cos I'm such a perfectionist. Great job, except I used the wrong grout and have to start all over. So I feel completely $hit like I can't do anything right. Little things are tipping me over the edge.

When will things get better?

Sorry for such a negative post... . I'm barely here today ...

[Tolou]

N... .

Hopefully tomorrow will be better?  I am almost 1 year N.C. and I work with this person, yet haven't said a word to her, there wil always be good days and bad ones.  But, it is good to see that you have some positive changes coming your way with the new job... . I ignored many attempts at the breaking of N.C. too, I withstood all of that, and I am glad I did, though it was difficult and painful.

The fact that you withstood it, it creates doubts, tricks in the mind, of "maybe, this, or maybe that"... . No, you did what was needed to protect yourself and your health from someone who doesn't begin to comprehend how their behaviors and actions and words effect others and their lives and emotional states.  You are special and deserve to receive what you give in a relationship if not more, unfortunately, the people we found at this time when we met them in our lives and theirs, are not able to provided that for us.  It's okay, it doesn't mean were failures, or we can't get things right, sometimes things just don't work out the way we think they should, accepting it, and moving forward in your time will help.  Maybe even pusing yourself out of bed, and replacing an hour with something new into schedule can be the begining of anew change, exercsing helps a lot, but it takes a dedication to yourself to find those things that help you through the ruff times... . No one can control our happiness or emotions, try to start thinking better thoughts and replacing those irrational ones, with things that can be more hepful to you!

[mywifecrazy]

I'm a year out and I remember VIVIDLY how you feel! I remember walking around the house (kids away with X) not knowing what I was doing. I would leave one room to go do something and forget what I was going to do. I would go back to remember what I wanted to do only to forget again! I swear I would walk in circles for a good amount of time. I was BARELY able to get the energy to just pay my bills. I was just able to keep my house and kids running by a razors edge... . But I did it!

What you are going through is NORMAL! What helped me tremendously was a support group called Divorce Care (Google it, meetings are all over). I learned about the grieving process and the depression that comes with it. I was in a depression for three months that I was crying all the time (work, home, bed). Tears like I never experienced before, my whole body hurt from crying. I learned that this too was normal. I also learned that you must embrace these feelings and not stuff them down or they will remain with you. It's OK to feel the way you do! Don't beat yourself up! I learned that you must let these feelings out to come out on the other side Healed and Healthy.

Find a SAFE person you can talk to (T or trusted friend). Someone who will let you get out all of your anger and sadness. Exercise is a great stress reliever, I did biking and walking. I also found it helpful to make list of things I needed to get done. This was very helpful as I was very forgetful at the time. Do some things for YOURSELF. Get into some personal hobbies or interests that are about what YOU like! It's about finding yourself again.

I'm not completely healthy, YET but I'm so much better now for going through the pain instead of burying it. I'm such a better person now as a matter of fact I'm better and healthier than any other time in my life.

You will get there Narellan, be Patient!

... . MWC

[Narellan]

Thanks guys! I was just posting on another similar thread the best days are when I have to get up for work. There's no choice there so I just do it. It sets the scene of my day then and as I'm rushing and organised at work the same follows through when I get home. It's the days off, or MWC as you said when my boys go to their dads and I have time to myself, I just waste it lying around being sad. I don't know where to start so I procrastinate.

Thanks for the advice and support 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Narellan,

Sorry you are hurting so much!  I wish I could give you a timeline, but I do know that it will get better!

I sometimes still mope when the kids to go my ex.  Yesterday, however, I had a great day.  I got so much done.  I felt good.  I let go.  It does happen.  You get there.  Today or tomorrow I may fall flat on my face, but soon the good days will far outnumber the bad.

What exactly do you miss about him?  Or is it that you just miss having someone there, and you're used to it being him?

[seeking balance]

MWC gave you really good advice.

I was just posting on another similar thread the best days are when I have to get up for work. There's no choice there so I just do it.

I remember those feelings too, needing to stay busy and have a routine.  It helped tremendously, because too much total alone early on was just really, really hard and not good for me.

I signed up for the 3 Day Walk; it required a lot of training and gave me a place I "had" to be.  I know others have volunteered or trained for marathons - the same concept, scheduling time.

Is there something you have always wanted to do?  Over to the right, detachment steps - they don't have to be linear, creative action... .something new for you to do in this free time - it will help more than I can stress.

Changing our habits is hard, but you are stronger than you realize (I know you don't feel this way, but it is true) - what activity are you up for tackling?

Peace,

SB

[Blimblam]

Im sorry you feel so empty narrallan I can relate.

I started watching a tv series called arrested development and it has brought some much needed humor into my life.

[Narellan]

BB I'm into series 6 of dexter . No humour but it's so different watching it again with my BPD experience and knowledge. Today's been a better day. I worked and took a 14 year old autistic boy to the zoo. We did an African safari on a bus and I really had fun. The sun was out and I felt good. One day at a time. 

[Narellan]

Outofegypt what I miss most is laughing. Everything he said made me laugh. He was so much fun. And I felt like a teenager going out with him, doing fun things. Just touching him, walking holding hands, him constantly touching me, kissing my forehead all the time. I have never been with anyone affectionate before. He made me feel so wanted, and beautiful . Right up until the split, and the suddenness of it has been soul destroying. But I'll cope. 

[Blimblam]

BB I'm into series 6 of dexter . No humour but it's so different watching it again with my BPD experience and knowledge. Today's been a better day. I worked and took a 14 year old autistic boy to the zoo. We did an African safari on a bus and I really had fun. The sun was out and I felt good. One day at a time. 

ahhh dexter I was watching that one with my ex.  Have you checked out that book from abandonment to healing?  I got it today ad have been reading it a lot and wow. 

[Veronykah]

Outofegypt what I miss most is laughing. Everything he said made me laugh. He was so much fun. And I felt like a teenager going out with him, doing fun things. Just touching him, walking holding hands, him constantly touching me, kissing my forehead all the time. I have never been with anyone affectionate before. He made me feel so wanted, and beautiful . Right up until the split, and the suddenness of it has been soul destroying. But I'll cope. 

Ugh, that is the worst part. I can identify with you too. Last Sunday I was all alone and had nothing to do. I spent every weekend with the ex and now am all alone. It sucks, terribly. We had so much fun, even if we didn't do anything it was still just nice to be with him. Now to be home alone I don't even know what to do. I could go and do stuff that we'd do (stuff I want to do, he always was game to to whatever I wanted) but it's not the same doing things alone. This is what I miss the most about him, the companionship. Having someone who I adored who also said yes to EVERYTHING.

Be happy you have a job. We broke up after my best friend for 10 years my dog passed away and I lost my job. I haven't been working really at all and am just stuck trying to fill the days.

I go to the gym 5-6 days a week and walk my foster dog every night but that leaves a lot of free time to ruminate about all this. No fun.

Sorry you were feeling badly, hope you wake up feeling better. 

[Narellan]

No BB I haven't read  it, but I might give it a go. I started the Buddha and the borderline and it depressed me so much. I was identifying with the BPD girl it was awful. Not that it's an awful book, but reading about her cutting and suicidal thoughts when I was depressed was a bad idea.

Veronykah  yes it's tough. You are going through a lot all at once. I'm so sorry about your dog and losing your best friend. I lost my best friend a few months ago to my BPD ex. It feels like she died, I'm grieving it that way only she keeps sending loving miss you texts every couple of weeks. It's really hard to cope with.

I only work 30 hrs a fortnight and it's not enough i have way too much free time. I used to spend every day with him when my boys were at school walking and talking and doing lunch etc. when I wasn't with him I was with my best friend, so that's a huge void to fill.

I've been keeping busy doing stuff around my new house. I regrouted my shower which took a week and I used the wrong grout, so it will take another week to do it all over again! 

Oh well. I've got plenty to do, just some days are hard I don't want to do anything but read and sleep. And that's ok too.

[Blimblam]

good luck with that regrouting!

I highly recommend that book.  It is easy to read and well laid out.  It really hits home too.  Ive been buying books ive seen recommended and so far that one has been the most helpful with where I am at in my own healing process.

It has been extremely validating for me too.  The other day I really started exploring shame. Then someone on the board mentioned that book and how the book mentions shame is at the core of the matter. The next day the book arrives and I read it for myself.  It really made me realize where I am at in my healing process. It also gives coping strategies.  I really think everyone detaching should read it.