Not cut out for this, in Trouble Mentally and Physically, 9 Yrs

[bansh]

I wrote a longwinded post in pieces which I linked below which was going to be an article of sorts but turned out to be personal desperation... .

For about 7 months I've been hesitant to post this directly for worry in case she does seek out BPD info (total refusal so far), but some of this is blatantly "us" and I don't want to risk it.  I know a 3rd party shareable link is harder to reply to on a forum, but the formatting makes it more readable in my opinion.

I cannot function like this anymore, but I did attempt to apply optimism and a bit of much needed humor to go along with it.

It's a shot in the dark, but thanks in advance to anyone who's up for the read:

www.evernote.com/shard/s7/sh/eff9d565-d063-4be4-b20c-883935d5a5c5/af80ddbbb2c9c666510f1d59ef519715

[calmboom]

Hello Bansh,

I'm coming also coming from a long term r/s - 6 years.

I'm rather new here so won't attempt any advice but wanted to say WOW I could so relate to your post.

Especially the part about them coming down from the current cycle, and sometimes having some clarity of hindsight.  But not ever applying the learnings in the next bad spot even with gentle prompts.  Even with years of experience and love in the r/s.  That's been the most difficult thing for me to process - so much frustration, realizing it may be fruitless, that love and care from our nBPD side aren't necessarily enough.

Hope your journey is insightful and you keep your sense of self and good humor.

[JohnLove]

Hi bansh, I read your Evernote post. It was a little all over the place and many people reading that would probably think YOU'RE the crazy one. I know different. I know BPD. I know you're not crazy but after living for so long with a mental illness you've likely picked up a few traits or maladaptive coping skills. The situations and poor treatment you describe are heart breaking. We all have to endure... but why, oh so much?.

I found your post very insightful but fear that what you describe regarding any corrected, explored, understood, recognised behaviours that improve only to completely regress with the next cycle. I had not heard of this before. This chills me. It is what I am currently experiencing. I don't want to believe that BPD can not improve or that when workarounds are put into place... .that we don't start from the start EVERYTIME.

I'm curious, you seem particularly worried about being discovered posting on the Net to obtain personal help. I can identify with that fear but this is not the place for people actually having the disorder.

You still have a sense of humor and wit. All is not lost.  

[bansh]

Hah, I appreciate you guys for even attempting to trudge through any of that. Also, sorry. :D  (... .and thank you).  Really sorry to hear you both relate so well to the regression too.  Despite that, one thing I can say is that the episodes are a lot less than they used to be here.  Maybe the improvements are making a difference in the down time. Have either of you noticed a change in frequency?  Has it started to effect your physical health after a certain point? 

It is a fragmented mess with a handful of random incidents henpecked just to cover ground. It's a major bad habit where I usually only add to it whilst taking shelter from the chaos.  I guess this is why it reaks with desperation and incoherence, yet it kinda captures the atmosphere right before the smoke clears... .but it's just so hard to think straight in that state anymore.     

Like you saw, having my own set of issues, severe anxiety, and deep flaws to balance (which were not related to her episodes, though extremely impacted) have made it particularly challenging. When not dodging our landmines, I still have/had a pretty solid handle on it. Without being in a stable environment for so long, that has gone down hill quite a bit. I also struggle to think straight more often these days to a worrisome degree. 


When not in the middle of this and my brain doesn't feel like an overly wrung-out sponge, I can convey myself much better - but at the same time it's about as easy for me to make an appointment to get a tooth pulled as it is to delve into this stuff while I'm on break from it.  I get spoiled... .  definitely need to regain some self discipline here.

It just brought me a little ease this morning to post what I did have jotted down while waiting out another all-nighter after she ran out of the house and drove off into the mountains wrecklessly (also on no sleep) and out of her head, to make me see what I made her risk doing this time.

Thanks again. I hope we all keep our sense of self and our partners can let any healing stick.