Broke NC = Pain

[robert4574]

Well, I was doing pretty good until about a week ago. I was up to almost a month of NC. Just an occasional text from my DexBPDgf every 4 or 5 days. I started when I went on vacation for almost two weeks to clear my head. I ended up drinking too much and texted her back. Unfortunately and Fortunately I don't have much recollection of what was said and I deleted all the texts by morning. I remember mentioning the fact that she is most likely trying to triangulate me with whomever she is seeing. I also remember a "FU" (from me) followed by a long text from her that mentioned blocking me or at least that is all I could recall. The next day I send an email saying that that I  am obviously still really angry and she CAN'T make it right. Also, I don't think I will ever forgive her and that blocking me is a good idea. I get no response for a day or two and then I start to lose it. I'm on my way home from vacation and I send an email "Call Me"  and when I get nothing then I follow it up with a call. I end up getting a text 2 days later asking if I know where her camelbak, frisbee, and football are. Apparently, she is going to the beach. I respond with a "nope" and "you want something, why am I not surprised?" no response.

That was 3 days ago. Now we come to today. I've honestly never felt more depressed about the situation. Not even right after I dumped her. I sent her two texts today "how are you" and "i'm not sure where you are or what are you doing, but please give me a call back if want to salvage any sort of amicable relationship" nothing... .I even found out that she is going to be out of town for the next two weeks. Most likely flying overseas again to see her ex.  It's so pathetic how I gave her control back. I had her number blocked and email blocked, but I unblocked them both for no sane reason.

I pray for the day I wake up next to a truly beautiful women who understands the term "love" in it's entirety. So much time and love invested into this stranger I call my ex.

[Blimblam]

I pray for the day I wake up next to a truly beautiful women who understands the term "love" in it's entirety. So much time and love invested into this stranger I call my ex.

Reading this made me cry I pray for the same. I've been contacting my ex again recently. And I think I probably will some more

[Karmachameleon]

Oh, I have so much empathy.  I was doing GREAT with NC.  I let my guard down for a half a second and BAM! right back where I started.  I had my ex blocked and he got a pre-paid phone and started texting and calling again from a number I didn't recognize.  I didn't have to respond, but I did because I am apparently an idiot.  Just start over from here.  You can do it.  There wasn't too much harm done.  Be strong.  I feel what you are going through.  You stood up to her so you still have some dignity left.  Just stop now.  Good luck.  I hope I can take my own advice.

[LettingGo14]

I wish we had a precise formula for detachment, but it's a process of trial & error for many of us.  We go up and down on a roller coaster of emotion, and the resolve of one day dissolves the next.   I felt, for longer than I care to admit, like I needed a "fix" -- as if I was an addict.

The triggers can be internal (e.g., raw emotion) or external (e.g., ex makes contact).  I know, for me, that because my own mind & heart generated such conflicting emotions, I felt like a ping pong ball tossed on a stormy sea.

I wish I could say that I reached a point where my head exorcised a demon, and suddenly I was free.  But, in deep reflection, it was my heart that finally gave me the answer.  My head -- i.e., thinking -- kept me in a loop of why? why? why?   The rumination was an endless loop of futility.

It was not until I dropped into the somatic (bodily) experience of painful emotion that I started to work through the experience.   I felt the burning in my chest, and tightness in my gut, and I resolved to lash myself to the mast and allow it.   If my brain had any contribution, it was to acknowledge that I owned my emotions [that they did not come from outside of me].  So, I felt the pain pummel me, and I let it.  I just sat with it.  And sat with it.  And kept telling myself that I owned it.

One day, sitting in meditation, I chose to see if I could recreate the feeling of love I had with my ex-girlfriend in the early days.   I let myself find it in me, and feel it.  And I held it for about 30 minutes.   And, I had a minor epiphany:  I owned my love too.  It came from within me.

When that fleeting experience passed, the pain in my chest came back, and I broke NC (fortunately, at that time, I received silent treatment in return -- and I say fortunately because contact could have stopped further growth).  

I stayed with my feelings more than my thoughts.   And I felt pummeled by the feelings.   But, I definitely started to own them.   And I had more experiences where good emotions rose, and alternated with bad emotions.  I noted that the tightness in my chest disappeared when I was engaged with my kids, or with friends, or in an activity.  

The more I held (allowing emotion but containing within me), the more power returned for me.  I had a sense of ownership, or agency, that rose in me.   Some days better than others, but one foot in front of the other.

We're in this together.

[robert4574]

Thanks guys. My feelings come in waves. One minute I despise her the next she is on pedestal. Really need to stop tricking myself into thinking she is the BPD exception.  Maybe she CAN love me like I deserve to be loved... .Maybe she is semi-wired like us... .I just have to face reality: that plane never had wings.

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys. My feelings come in waves. One minute I despise her the next she is on pedestal. Really need to stop tricking myself into thinking she is the BPD exception.  Maybe she CAN love me like I deserve to be loved... .Maybe she is semi-wired like us... .I just have to face reality: that plane never had wings.

I can completely relate to this.  That mine is the exception I still struggle with this a lot.  For me it is coming to terms with my own narcissism that perpetuates this belief.  I realize though I would not cling to it so much if it wasn't for the trauma bond.  

There were moments when I think back to the devaluing and how to protect myself I his my feelings behind my own narcissism if I showed them sure I probably would have faired a lot better but then she would know how much power she has over me and it would kill it too.  There is no winning except leaving before things take a turn for the worst.