Boundary about contact with my replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in my ex's town this weekend and let my ex know. She said she wanted to see me but I was worried my replacement might be present (not that I told her that) so I said it didnt look like it would fit for me.  I went to see her sister and she said she wished she was there.  I am proud I set up a boundary by not meeting the replacement but now I am second guessing myself.  I felt I needed to demonstrate some seld-respect.  Do BPD's perceive boundaries as rejection or abandonment?  I miss her and want a second chance (i know that is not a great idea but I do want her back to see if we can make this work) but I am curious if I blew it by having boundaries.  I was not confident I could hide my pain and we have been pretty civil and respectful since the breakup.  I have really taken the high road but I have also totally hid how incredibly devastated I am so I just wasn't sure I could pull it off.  Thoughts on the internal reaction to my boundaries?

[Hawk Ridge]

I was in my ex's town this weekend and let my ex know. She said she wanted to see me but I was worried my replacement might be present (not that I told her that) so I said it didnt look like it would fit for me.  I went to see her sister and she said she wished she was there.  I am proud I set up a boundary by not meeting the replacement but now I am second guessing myself.  I felt I needed to demonstrate some seld-respect.  Do BPD's perceive boundaries as rejection or abandonment?  I miss her and want a second chance (i know that is not a great idea but I do want her back to see if we can make this work) but I am curious if I blew it by having boundaries.  I was not confident I could hide my pain and we have been pretty civil and respectful since the breakup.  I have really taken the high road but I have also totally hid how incredibly devastated I am so I just wasn't sure I could pull it off.  Thoughts on the internal reaction to my boundaries?

[Mutt]

From my experience I lacked boundaries when I got involved with my ex. When I put my foot down years later and set a boundary she didn't like it. She started blasting dad in front of the kids and went into her dissociative phase. It was the end of my marriage.

Irregardless of a borderline or not. Boundaries should be set early in the r/s as opposed to much later. It's very difficult to set boundaries later.

They don't like boundaries. Think of it as emotional arrested development. Like a young child of 2 or 3. Emotional immaturity. Much like a young child they flail again a parent's boundary. You have to have strong boundaries.

BPD is an attachment disorder. She lacks a stable sense of self. If you became a trigger it makes her feel bad. They don't like to feel bad, they want to feel good all of the time.  


If she's with your replacement. There's not much that you can do. She's back to her emotional baseline and feels good in the honeymoon. You're going to need for this to play out with the replacement and your gf. I'm sorry.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps... .so much to learn

[Mutt]

I'm happy that you have found us.  Thanks for joining the family 

[Aussie0zborn]

I was not confident I could hide my pain... .

You did well in "taking the high road" and setting a boundary but the quote above, when you read it in a few years time and you are in a healthy relationship, will seem pathetic to you. When we look back at our stupid mistakes we see how foolish we were. What then makes healing harder, is forgiving ourselves for our stupidity because nobody else is responsible for that and we are the only ones who can put a stop to it. A pwBPD cannot feel about us the way we feel about them so our efforts to help them are in vain.

The fact that you are not confident is my concern. I would suggest that if you had confidence you wouldn't be in this position, correct? Sometimes we need to look within to see what makes us a lap dog rather than a tiger. You took the first step by setting a boundary here, but you should think about taking the final step and going "no contact" or you'll have more sleepless nights while she is being pleasured every night. That just doesn't sound fair to me.