Goodness Gracious... More contact still...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ug... .I'm getting worn down.

Another phone call today. That's five days in a row. I've been OK for the most part. First one didn't phase me. Second one kind of phased me. Third one confused me. Fourth one scared me. Fifth one (today) is making me sad now. I don't know why. I guess the first few days were confirmation that she is BPD (as if I needed more... .). Now she is back stuck in my head. And I'm starting to miss her again. Lordy lord. This has been going on for 2 years. Months of NC and then she contacts and ramps up. In the past I would try using the 'tools' or guidance on breaking up. I would only reply with a really boring message. She would gush about me and ask me how I am and I would answer: fine. If she would ask me what was up, I would tell her, 'not much'. This always escalated though so I know that is not a good line of attack. Ignoring is making it ramp up too, it would seem. I really can't afford to let this bother me anymore. It's been too long. It just seems the more it happens, the more she is getting back into my head. And I've fought so hard to remove her from it. I havne't really been posting here anymore and I only occasionally check the boards (once a week or so). Not that checking the board is a bad thing. I just use it as a gauge of how well I'm doing. And, the last month or so I've been doing really well!

It is just weird because with each ignore, I feel like I'm breaking up with her again, over and over and over again. I know what lies on the other side... .her being crazy. The fact that she is contacting me again like is totally crazy. I have no idea what's going on with her. But I guess that is a good thing. It would be worse if I totally got it. That would mean that i was crazy.

Just rambling here. Sorry. I can't really talk about it with many people in my life. They are all sick of it!

[willy45]

Ug... .I'm getting worn down.

Another phone call today. That's five days in a row. I've been OK for the most part. First one didn't phase me. Second one kind of phased me. Third one confused me. Fourth one scared me. Fifth one (today) is making me sad now. I don't know why. I guess the first few days were confirmation that she is BPD (as if I needed more... .). Now she is back stuck in my head. And I'm starting to miss her again. Lordy lord. This has been going on for 2 years. Months of NC and then she contacts and ramps up. In the past I would try using the 'tools' or guidance on breaking up. I would only reply with a really boring message. She would gush about me and ask me how I am and I would answer: fine. If she would ask me what was up, I would tell her, 'not much'. This always escalated though so I know that is not a good line of attack. Ignoring is making it ramp up too, it would seem. I really can't afford to let this bother me anymore. It's been too long. It just seems the more it happens, the more she is getting back into my head. And I've fought so hard to remove her from it. I havne't really been posting here anymore and I only occasionally check the boards (once a week or so). Not that checking the board is a bad thing. I just use it as a gauge of how well I'm doing. And, the last month or so I've been doing really well!

It is just weird because with each ignore, I feel like I'm breaking up with her again, over and over and over again. I know what lies on the other side... .her being crazy. The fact that she is contacting me again like is totally crazy. I have no idea what's going on with her. But I guess that is a good thing. It would be worse if I totally got it. That would mean that i was crazy.

Just rambling here. Sorry. I can't really talk about it with many people in my life. They are all sick of it!

[LettingGo14]

It is just weird because with each ignore, I feel like I'm breaking up with her again, over and over and over again. I know what lies on the other side... .her being crazy. The fact that she is contacting me again like is totally crazy.

willy -- you have been doing well.   if it was a telemarketer calling, you would not be triggered.  you would ignore.  the emotional bond we have with our exes keep us stuck.  what are you doing to reduce the impact of that bond on you? 

[Infared]

I completely understand the the hold she has on you. No explanation needed... .talk about it all you want. She is VERY sick and wants to have exactly this effect on you. She just wants to know if she still has power over you. She does, but don't let her know that. Just ignore her and take care of you. Maybe find a distraction or a healthy indulgence for the next week or so... .

Her behavior does not deserve to be rewarded.

If mine started calling me after all this time, I would feel just like you do. No doubt... .but I would not validate/reward the behavior by responding. No way... .not after what she put me through.

[patientandclear]

Willy, I completely understand what you're saying about how each time you ignore her, it's like having to break up again. I was doing pretty well until my ex got in touch a few months back and made an offer I felt I had to turn down. It felt like i was the one having to end something even though he was the one who left, and left, and left.

[Infared]

Willy, I completely understand what you're saying about how each time you ignore her, it's like having to break up again. I was doing pretty well until my ex got in touch a few months back and made an offer I felt I had to turn down. It felt like i was the one having to end something even though he was the one who left, and left, and left.

This is so true.  My pwBPD cheated on me and ran off with new hero and lied about all of it. We lived together for 5 years. She said really mean things to me like "I need a clean break" of course that was just to get herself free and clear to be with the replacement with out the annoyance of "me". Devastating.

... .but... over the years... .she thinks she can just drive by (back and forth and back and forth) and pull in and that I should chat it up with her whenever she has the whim...

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to go TOTAL NC.   

It is really sick knowing that after all she did and the way I was treated and all the pain it caused that in the end it was "me" who ACTUALLY ended the relationship. That is some painful, twisted stuff... .

She recently, years later, went waaaaay out of her way to do an "accidental" run-in and I actually turned and walked in an arc around her with my head looking down and away.  It hurts so bad inside, but talking to this selfish, unaccountable person who I cared about so deeply would be something that I could not indure. I just love me and get to a place of safety. It has become instinct. Very sick little girl.

[1989]

Willy, she is most likely calling just to see if the bond is still there.  My ex always referred to it as "I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay."  It had nothing to do with me because if he had truly cared how I was doing he would have cared during the times that I needed him the most.

He told me in 2011 that 14 years prior I "had just popped into his head" and he wanted to talk to me.  He couldn't find me because I had moved and married and he didn't know how to locate me.  He said for years after that he felt "psycho" trying desperately to find me somehow. 

Anyway, once we were back in touch he love bombed me and all those old feelings came back for me.  When he realized he had "procured" my love again he decided he was going to marry the girl he had been dating for 8 months and thought it best we never talk again (for the rest of our lives).

I guess my warning to you is that it's best to miss her again for a little while than it is to be reeling in pain all over again when she gets what she needs and then tosses you aside once more.

What could she possibly have to say this time?  I guess that would be my question.  Have you heard the saying "When your past calls, don't answer, it has nothing new to say?"

I get the impression that you really want this to be over and I think the only way that will happen is to ignore her attempts to contact you.  She is probably shocked that you haven't responded yet and she is probably very anxious and worried, but once you respond, she will more than likely lose interest again. 

I hate that these relationships turn out so awful, especially when they seemed so wonderful in the beginning.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this again. 

[willy45]

Thanks guys and thanks 1989. There is certainly nothing left to say. We are on two different planets and I didnt like the one she inhabited. Its not like this hasn't happened over and over again for years. I get curious and wonder if she has changed but she never has. I think I know that now.

[1989]

One thing I learned from the last experience was time doesn't change people.  It had been 17 years since I had spoken to him, so I assumed he had changed.  Nope.  Not one bit.

[Tincup]

Willy-I totally understand what you are going through myself.  Now that I went totally NC I think she finally has me completely black because I think her contact has stopped (I am just believing that the restricted calls to my house phone are telemarketers... ).  I have to admit as much as I hoped and prayed that she would stop contacting me, it does feel strange now that she has.  I have had to learn how to live without drama and eggshells.

[BacknthSaddle]

It is just weird because with each ignore, I feel like I'm breaking up with her again, over and over and over again. I know what lies on the other side... .her being crazy. The fact that she is contacting me again like is totally crazy. I have no idea what's going on with her. But I guess that is a good thing. It would be worse if I totally got it. That would mean that i was crazy.

I'm right with you dude.  Each time you think you've made yourself clear about the relationship status, you realize that your efforts to make yourself clear (even ignoring) haven't worked at all.  It's like knowing you have an unpleasant conversation on the horizon, except you can never actually have it and have the relief of getting it over with.

You're doing a great job.  What you say about "different planets" is what I currently have to remind myself of every day.  The metaphor is a helpful one. 

And yes: if you knew what was going on with her, you would inevitably fall into "oh, maybe she's different now... .maybe this experience changed her... ."  That's a place you don't want to go.  What 1989 says is correct.