Mother called - Grandpa in Nursing Home/Visit dilemma

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been over a year since I've heard my mother's voice.  It's been sad, but peaceful.  Then my phone rang last Wednesday and my mother's face popped up on the caller id.  For those of you playing at home, yes, the sight of her on my phone, even a year later, does still cause sheer panic.  I don't answer, of course because who knows what would be on the other end of that line.  Let it go to voicemail.

The voicemail is a teary message from mother saying that my grandpa is going into some place I assumed was a nursing home (google confirmed that) and that he "may not come out."  It went on to say that they really miss me and we should visit (um, perhaps my grandma shouldn't have disowned me if they missed me so much... .).  I don't have to see her, she says, but they would really like to see us.

Now when I went NC with mother the one caveat I had was that she let me know if something happened to my grandparents.  This was before they disowned me (well, grandma anyway, grandpa is blind and never signed the card so I don't really know where he stands on all of this).  Apparently, as I found out in one of grandma's nastygrams, grandpa had been in the hospital and mom never thought to mention that so I'm really of the opinion that this is just another manipulation.  There was no real useful information like what's wrong, prognosis, etc.  Plenty of people live years in nursing homes.  No info on when he was going.  I'd have to contact her or my grandma to set up a visit.  

My brother did not receive any calls.  I let my SIL know and she didn't think they'd go.  We decided not to go either since who knows what type of situation we'd walk into.  Plus my husband just had surgery last week (the day after the call) so traveling in the immediate future isn't happening (plus it's a terrible time at work for him).  

I don't even feel safe calling because I don't know where he stands in all of this.  The one thing we've considered is a card.  I was thinking of sending this letter with it:

Dear Grandpa,

We're so sorry to hear that you're not doing well.  We hope that you start to feel better soon.

We wish that we could come visit, however, we don't feel safe doing so. We're very sad that things with Mom and Grandma have worked out the way they have.  We wish that Mom would have chosen to seek the help we so desperately want for her so that we could work toward having a healthy relationship.  We also wish that the situation would have been handled better by the rest of the family.  Our primary concern is modeling a healthy family environment for DS and, unfortunately, right now, this isn't a healthy environment.  We won't re-enter it until it is.  

I'm so sorry that you got caught in the crossfire.  Know that we love you, miss you, and want the best for you.  Perhaps one day Mom will reconsider her choice and get the help she needs to find happiness and we can work on rebuilding the family.  Until then, you're in our thoughts.

Love,

LeftyA, DH, and DS  

Part of me feels like that's a bit passive/aggressive and manipulative and wants just to send a get well card with a 'we love you and hope you get better' message.

Thoughts?

[LeftyA]

It's been over a year since I've heard my mother's voice.  It's been sad, but peaceful.  Then my phone rang last Wednesday and my mother's face popped up on the caller id.  For those of you playing at home, yes, the sight of her on my phone, even a year later, does still cause sheer panic.  I don't answer, of course because who knows what would be on the other end of that line.  Let it go to voicemail.

The voicemail is a teary message from mother saying that my grandpa is going into some place I assumed was a nursing home (google confirmed that) and that he "may not come out."  It went on to say that they really miss me and we should visit (um, perhaps my grandma shouldn't have disowned me if they missed me so much... .).  I don't have to see her, she says, but they would really like to see us.

Now when I went NC with mother the one caveat I had was that she let me know if something happened to my grandparents.  This was before they disowned me (well, grandma anyway, grandpa is blind and never signed the card so I don't really know where he stands on all of this).  Apparently, as I found out in one of grandma's nastygrams, grandpa had been in the hospital and mom never thought to mention that so I'm really of the opinion that this is just another manipulation.  There was no real useful information like what's wrong, prognosis, etc.  Plenty of people live years in nursing homes.  No info on when he was going.  I'd have to contact her or my grandma to set up a visit.  

My brother did not receive any calls.  I let my SIL know and she didn't think they'd go.  We decided not to go either since who knows what type of situation we'd walk into.  Plus my husband just had surgery last week (the day after the call) so traveling in the immediate future isn't happening (plus it's a terrible time at work for him).  

I don't even feel safe calling because I don't know where he stands in all of this.  The one thing we've considered is a card.  I was thinking of sending this letter with it:

Dear Grandpa,

We're so sorry to hear that you're not doing well.  We hope that you start to feel better soon.

We wish that we could come visit, however, we don't feel safe doing so. We're very sad that things with Mom and Grandma have worked out the way they have.  We wish that Mom would have chosen to seek the help we so desperately want for her so that we could work toward having a healthy relationship.  We also wish that the situation would have been handled better by the rest of the family.  Our primary concern is modeling a healthy family environment for DS and, unfortunately, right now, this isn't a healthy environment.  We won't re-enter it until it is.  

I'm so sorry that you got caught in the crossfire.  Know that we love you, miss you, and want the best for you.  Perhaps one day Mom will reconsider her choice and get the help she needs to find happiness and we can work on rebuilding the family.  Until then, you're in our thoughts.

Love,

LeftyA, DH, and DS  

Part of me feels like that's a bit passive/aggressive and manipulative and wants just to send a get well card with a 'we love you and hope you get better' message.

Thoughts?

[Kwamina]

Hi LeftyA,

I'd like to start by saying that I think you made the right decision by first considering your own well-being and that of your family, especially since your husband just had surgery.

The way you describe the voicemail combined with the fact that your brother didn't receive any calls would make me a little suspicious. You can never know for certain but manipulation is always something to keep in mind when dealing with a BPD parent.

I've read the letter you're planning to send. If you were to send this letter, I suspect your mom and Grandma would probably get to read it too. I personally don't believe the content is passive-aggressive or manipulative but I do wonder if in this situation this would be a good thing to put in the letter. My concern would be that by putting these things in there, you'd get sucked right back into the whole BPD drama. Perhaps you could make the message somewhat more neutral, less focused on your Mom and Grandma and more on that you care for your Grandpa and hope that he'll feel better soon. That's just my opinion of course, I'm also interested in how other members think about your letter.

[LeftyA]

Thanks for the input.  My husband and I decided that we'll just send a generic get well card and not include the letter for several reasons.  First and foremost we stated when I replied to my grandmother's disownment 'thank you' card that we would not force anyone to choose sides but that we would not allow for any attempts to guilt or cajole us into going back on our decision and my final letter to my mom said we wouldn't have contact with her until she sought help.  We feel like the letter would be a response on both fronts and as they both refuse our boundaries (grandma more than mom, although mom has contacted me a few times, including this one but I did ask to be notified if something happened to the grandparents) we are not responding. 

We don't know the situation at the nursing home (I emailed the home to try to verify that he was, in fact, a resident, and find out how to get a card to him but I haven't heard back yet so I don't know if nurses will open and read mail to patients who cannot or if they leave that to family.  If it's left to family it would just stir the pot.  Even if the nurses do read it I'm sure my mom and grandma would as well and I don't want to involve him in the drama.  He knew me for three decades.  Either he understands or he believes their lies.  A letter from me isn't going to change that.

We don't know where Grandpa's head is in all of this but as I haven't gotten anything negative from him I'll continue to care and let him know I care so we'll just do a get well card and let him know we're thinking of him and keep it at that.  At least that shows that we care and cannot be seen as an attempt on my part to smear anyone.

It should be noted that none of his relatives; children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren have mentioned anything on facebook about him going to a nursing home.  Granted, many of these people I'm not friends with and aren't super personal on facebook but I find it odd.