What it feels like 1 yr after he left

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's been 1 year now since the final split black. I contributed to this being the final split by not going back for more with the subsequent and immature baiting attempts. It was an intense and beautiful and subsequently an incredibly hard and emotionally destructive ride with him for several years. On the occasion that he recycled me for a month long closer together than ever before and then subsequently dumped me overnight, I told him I would not be back for more. And that he would one day learn what he lost. That I'm not so sure about but I am glad I stuck with no more and I wanted to share a few reflections here for those still struggling.

First, I am still struggling. In different ways. The chaos and the drama and the push pulls and splits and ultimate abandonments, I do not miss. Not one bit. I struggled so much with missing the person. Over the last year, I have gone through and bounced back and forth with the stages of grief. I do believe despite the horrific disorder, he was a good person underneath. And for so long he was my friend. I so wished that good person, my friend, would come back over the last year. A part of me still does but I have gotten further and further along in knowing that will not happen and most importantly, I could never trust this man again. He may be good when he is good, but his disorder is not good for me.

I've gone through all you have gone through and all that many of you are still going through. Every emotion. I held onto hope for a great deal of time. I REALLY missed this man. These ppl fill up a huge space in your life. Good and bad space. They have an intense, incredible presence in the good and the bad. He bought to my black and white easy going life a sense of pure color and so much of that was beyond beautiful. He opened me up emotionally and in every other way. Effortlessly. I loved being with him. I greatly and forever more will miss that and that will never be found elsewhere. But his disorder is a part of that all and I have learned over the past year that the disorder always wins. It really does, BPD family.

No degree of love, of commitment, of actions, words, pleas, caring, support, agony, heartache, despondency or going back for more will change the disorder. Only the person with the disorder can change this. This disorder does indeed exist to deny itself. Its truly the saddest and most heartbreaking personality disorder as it exists bc of the denial of love,value and safety. A subsequent life long search ensues to find it. And once found it is thrown away. Not without a great deal of destruction though. Destruction that is very hard to heal and detach from when you love a pBPD.

I have been left with a lot from this interaction. More heartache than I ever knew possible. A deep heartache. Missing. Continued hurt in being erased by this person and being shown quite purposely that I am of no value to him any longer. That's the hurt that keeps on giving. Still now.

I could not have stayed away from this person, whom I loved, if not for a few things:

Choice- choice that I was worth more. Choice that I had done all I could for someone I cared for with all of my heart and it was not working. I could not fix this or him. How I wanted to. How I wished that love could win. It does not win. The disorder wins. Every time.

Alone time to go within- the one thing that scared me most about this entire interaction was not knowing why I got in so deep and why I could not leave when I clearly should have. I fear, as I still do, repeating this with another partner one day. I fear BPD. I feared that I lost my entire self to this pBPD. Some endearingly. Most dangerously. I literally lost myself to this man. I handed over my entire self to him somewhere along the line. NEVER in my life had I done this. And in a very non pretentious way, he did not deserve the person that I am. I had to take a good hard look inside myself to understand why this occurred. Through the missing and the immense soul shattering hurting and the radio silent NC and the big empty hole left that was us, I had to do this. Alone. And I think I have a pretty clear understanding now as to much. The most important priority to me is to learn this. Really learn this. Or it WILL repeat again. And it cannot.

This is a good by product of this interaction and one which I am grateful for, despite the pain. My life is on rewind. When I push play, as I have with much, it is different. In a good way. I have stronger boundaries in every r/s in my life now. I take care of me first instead of others first, in a good healthy way. That's something I have put a great deal of effort into. When I feel the urge to people please and fix with my goodness, I stop and rethink. This is becoming effortlessly a bit more as I grow. The red flags help with this decision every time and I appreciate that I trust them.

Knowledge- Without this site, I truly would not have made it. This is a poignant statement of truth. I had NO IDEA of BPD. I was going through the depths of destruction in the aftermath of that r/s and some very dark moments at times. Gaining knowledge, therapy, applying tools, and reading here. Over and over again when I felt weak. When I self doubted that I could have changed this outcome. That I could still have the good man I loved back if only I had not missed something I overlooked doing. Learning about triggers and how they made me reaction and self doubt. I still have to do this when I get triggered. Bc at the end of the day, I still do love that man. But, I love myself more now. First and foremost. If I had not fallen upon this site and the INCREDIBLE support here, I would still be on that emotional roller coaster with no rip cord. No doubt. I would have taken the last recycle attempt a few weeks ago and thought he was telling me the truth if I had not drove away. I would have stopped and taken the bait,  thinking he miraculously found me and finally missed me. That he really did seem to understand what he lost in me. I would have thought he loved me. I would have gone back. If not for this site. And ALL I have learned here. Thank God for this knowledge. Thank God that I got it. Here. By reading ALL of your stories and of your pain. I truly thank each and every one of you for educating me with your pain. Never doubt how much we help one another this way.

Maintaing NC- this is hugely important. And very hard. But ultimately the only way to detach from more torture. If you have read this far and still question how it will go if you break NC, let me tell you that each time I struggled with this, I have reminded myself of the hundreds of stories I have read on this board about this very topic. Not one. Not ONE has resulted in the better outcome. The disorder won every time. I would sometimes come to this board when I felt weak and re-read the painful threads of those that broke NC. How it turned out for them. And believe me, I did go back for more a few times before coming here. I was left feeling the SAME WAY you all have been.  Did not know about BPD then. I would have NEVER been able to maintain NC without knowing breaking it does no good.

I would like to finish by saying to those that still question if there ex is happier now without you. If your ex is all better now bc he/she is with a replacement. If he/she is all better now bc they seem so much happier and is going to great lengths in person or on social media or through acquaintances to be sure you know. If your ex is better now bc it was YOU who could have done more and the replacement is that better you. That your ex must miss you the way you miss him/her and will understand how much you love him/her if you go back to help more and you are spending time wondering what more you could have done or still can do.  You are wrong. I believed this too.

Your ex is NOT happier now without you. Is not ALL BETTER.  Is not as you perceive when you see those photos on social media with someone else or the pain of seeing them in person. THAT IS AN ACT AND WE TOO WERE THERE FOR THAT ACT. Think hard on this and remember this. It is not real.

The disorder is deeply rooted. It was there long before you were there. Well hidden from us for a long time. These are patterns that will were repeated and will continue to be repeated long before you came along. He/she is NOT happier or all better. Do not torture yourself with that thought.

My expBPD went to thousands of hours of therapy, took many psycho-pharm meds, "found God", did  immense dissociative hurt campaigns with me allowing his whole inner circle to believe he was really changed. Over the last year. And is STILL doing the same things. Still cheating and lying and trying to bait me and others. THEY ARE NOT HAPPY PPL. THEY DO NOT QUICKLY GET BETTER. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME.

Put the effort on YOU now. Do your inner work so you don't repeat this deeply hurtful and damaging interaction again. Take what you learned from this. When you know better, do better. It's hard stuff. Really hard.

Give the disorder back and work on you. You are good, amazing, valued and caring ppl or you would not have ended up here.  It's time to put the effort on you. That's the only thing you can change. For the better.

[Caredverymuch]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's been 1 year now since the final split black. I contributed to this being the final split by not going back for more with the subsequent and immature baiting attempts. It was an intense and beautiful and subsequently an incredibly hard and emotionally destructive ride with him for several years. On the occasion that he recycled me for a month long closer together than ever before and then subsequently dumped me overnight, I told him I would not be back for more. And that he would one day learn what he lost. That I'm not so sure about but I am glad I stuck with no more and I wanted to share a few reflections here for those still struggling.

First, I am still struggling. In different ways. The chaos and the drama and the push pulls and splits and ultimate abandonments, I do not miss. Not one bit. I struggled so much with missing the person. Over the last year, I have gone through and bounced back and forth with the stages of grief. I do believe despite the horrific disorder, he was a good person underneath. And for so long he was my friend. I so wished that good person, my friend, would come back over the last year. A part of me still does but I have gotten further and further along in knowing that will not happen and most importantly, I could never trust this man again. He may be good when he is good, but his disorder is not good for me.

I've gone through all you have gone through and all that many of you are still going through. Every emotion. I held onto hope for a great deal of time. I REALLY missed this man. These ppl fill up a huge space in your life. Good and bad space. They have an intense, incredible presence in the good and the bad. He bought to my black and white easy going life a sense of pure color and so much of that was beyond beautiful. He opened me up emotionally and in every other way. Effortlessly. I loved being with him. I greatly and forever more will miss that and that will never be found elsewhere. But his disorder is a part of that all and I have learned over the past year that the disorder always wins. It really does, BPD family.

No degree of love, of commitment, of actions, words, pleas, caring, support, agony, heartache, despondency or going back for more will change the disorder. Only the person with the disorder can change this. This disorder does indeed exist to deny itself. Its truly the saddest and most heartbreaking personality disorder as it exists bc of the denial of love,value and safety. A subsequent life long search ensues to find it. And once found it is thrown away. Not without a great deal of destruction though. Destruction that is very hard to heal and detach from when you love a pBPD.

I have been left with a lot from this interaction. More heartache than I ever knew possible. A deep heartache. Missing. Continued hurt in being erased by this person and being shown quite purposely that I am of no value to him any longer. That's the hurt that keeps on giving. Still now.

I could not have stayed away from this person, whom I loved, if not for a few things:

Choice- choice that I was worth more. Choice that I had done all I could for someone I cared for with all of my heart and it was not working. I could not fix this or him. How I wanted to. How I wished that love could win. It does not win. The disorder wins. Every time.

Alone time to go within- the one thing that scared me most about this entire interaction was not knowing why I got in so deep and why I could not leave when I clearly should have. I fear, as I still do, repeating this with another partner one day. I fear BPD. I feared that I lost my entire self to this pBPD. Some endearingly. Most dangerously. I literally lost myself to this man. I handed over my entire self to him somewhere along the line. NEVER in my life had I done this. And in a very non pretentious way, he did not deserve the person that I am. I had to take a good hard look inside myself to understand why this occurred. Through the missing and the immense soul shattering hurting and the radio silent NC and the big empty hole left that was us, I had to do this. Alone. And I think I have a pretty clear understanding now as to much. The most important priority to me is to learn this. Really learn this. Or it WILL repeat again. And it cannot.

This is a good by product of this interaction and one which I am grateful for, despite the pain. My life is on rewind. When I push play, as I have with much, it is different. In a good way. I have stronger boundaries in every r/s in my life now. I take care of me first instead of others first, in a good healthy way. That's something I have put a great deal of effort into. When I feel the urge to people please and fix with my goodness, I stop and rethink. This is becoming effortlessly a bit more as I grow. The red flags help with this decision every time and I appreciate that I trust them.

Knowledge- Without this site, I truly would not have made it. This is a poignant statement of truth. I had NO IDEA of BPD. I was going through the depths of destruction in the aftermath of that r/s and some very dark moments at times. Gaining knowledge, therapy, applying tools, and reading here. Over and over again when I felt weak. When I self doubted that I could have changed this outcome. That I could still have the good man I loved back if only I had not missed something I overlooked doing. Learning about triggers and how they made me reaction and self doubt. I still have to do this when I get triggered. Bc at the end of the day, I still do love that man. But, I love myself more now. First and foremost. If I had not fallen upon this site and the INCREDIBLE support here, I would still be on that emotional roller coaster with no rip cord. No doubt. I would have taken the last recycle attempt a few weeks ago and thought he was telling me the truth if I had not drove away. I would have stopped and taken the bait,  thinking he miraculously found me and finally missed me. That he really did seem to understand what he lost in me. I would have thought he loved me. I would have gone back. If not for this site. And ALL I have learned here. Thank God for this knowledge. Thank God that I got it. Here. By reading ALL of your stories and of your pain. I truly thank each and every one of you for educating me with your pain. Never doubt how much we help one another this way.

Maintaing NC- this is hugely important. And very hard. But ultimately the only way to detach from more torture. If you have read this far and still question how it will go if you break NC, let me tell you that each time I struggled with this, I have reminded myself of the hundreds of stories I have read on this board about this very topic. Not one. Not ONE has resulted in the better outcome. The disorder won every time. I would sometimes come to this board when I felt weak and re-read the painful threads of those that broke NC. How it turned out for them. And believe me, I did go back for more a few times before coming here. I was left feeling the SAME WAY you all have been.  Did not know about BPD then. I would have NEVER been able to maintain NC without knowing breaking it does no good.

I would like to finish by saying to those that still question if there ex is happier now without you. If your ex is all better now bc he/she is with a replacement. If he/she is all better now bc they seem so much happier and is going to great lengths in person or on social media or through acquaintances to be sure you know. If your ex is better now bc it was YOU who could have done more and the replacement is that better you. That your ex must miss you the way you miss him/her and will understand how much you love him/her if you go back to help more and you are spending time wondering what more you could have done or still can do.  You are wrong. I believed this too.

Your ex is NOT happier now without you. Is not ALL BETTER.  Is not as you perceive when you see those photos on social media with someone else or the pain of seeing them in person. THAT IS AN ACT AND WE TOO WERE THERE FOR THAT ACT. Think hard on this and remember this. It is not real.

The disorder is deeply rooted. It was there long before you were there. Well hidden from us for a long time. These are patterns that will were repeated and will continue to be repeated long before you came along. He/she is NOT happier or all better. Do not torture yourself with that thought.

My expBPD went to thousands of hours of therapy, took many psycho-pharm meds, "found God", did  immense dissociative hurt campaigns with me allowing his whole inner circle to believe he was really changed. Over the last year. And is STILL doing the same things. Still cheating and lying and trying to bait me and others. THEY ARE NOT HAPPY PPL. THEY DO NOT QUICKLY GET BETTER. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME.

Put the effort on YOU now. Do your inner work so you don't repeat this deeply hurtful and damaging interaction again. Take what you learned from this. When you know better, do better. It's hard stuff. Really hard.

Give the disorder back and work on you. You are good, amazing, valued and caring ppl or you would not have ended up here.  It's time to put the effort on you. That's the only thing you can change. For the better.

[elessar]

Cared very much... .thank you for this! It has been a year since I started a thread here, and I have a draft written down just like your have written about everything I have learned about BPD in the past couple of years... .their behavior, actions, thoughts. I will post mine when I am ready, but you pretty much hit so many points on the nail. I hope the mods post this in all the sections because when many of us come to this BPD site, we just have questions and confusions. We want to know if others experienced it or if our unique situation means we are crazy because none of our family or friends understand what we are saying. This post should help all the newcomers on this site

[Green_eyes]

Reading this post has left me in tears. I am you, one year ago... .

The most challenging thing is that I deeply love this man who I know I cannot be with and we now share a child who is only 7 months old.

I struggle daily to keep myself believing that this is probably for the best. The he is incapable of changing and I am incapable of giving anymore. I can't do it anymore and my son deserves a good life. I know that I do too, but it is hard to feel like it will ever get better when you feel that deep ache and are caring for an infant and trying to give them a happy daily existence at the same time.

I just wish I could erase him from my memory. I am terrified at what the future holds and the fact that we are tethered together for a lifetime because of our child makes me want to continue to work things out... .I don't know why... .

I pray that I can find the strength to continue NC until he brings me to court over the baby.

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for your heartfelt reflection, insight, and encouragement.  I'm 13 months out.  

[Popcorn71]

Thanks.  You stated exactly how I feel a year after the breakup 

[myself]

Great post, CVM. Thank you. Very good reminders of where we've been, how to get through it, and how to keep going. I really like that you acknowledge you still love the person. Those deeper feelings never really leave.

I woke up this morning with some regret about how at the end of my r/s I blurted out some truths about her behaviors. I know that my intentions were good, like a last-ditch effort to help someone I care about. I wasn't as calm as I could have been, but within such an upsetting situation I did alright. I knew at the time that saying those things would most likely make her feel to rage more and stay away longer. With BPD, it became all or nothing.

I was also pointing out my own behaviors, how I'd take the abuse, overcompensate, withdraw, come back for more. Focusing on and changing myself has been the best thing to do. I haven't completely closed the door to her, but am pretty sure she's not ever going to walk through it in the honest, loving, I'm-also-working-on-myself-for-real ways which would help us with a healthier relationship. So... .Acceptance. Balance. Understanding. Appreciate yourself. Letting go of unreasonable expectations has lead to less disappointment. A better grasp on what's actually possible vs. daydreams.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you so much for this post CVM-- it helps a lot to read. It was really good, especially to read that one of the things that has been useful in it is that it has helped you to have stronger boundaries in every r/s-- I will work towards that as well.

[Caramel]

Caredverymuch,  your post made me cry. Your love is so beautiful. You have a beautiful heart.

Thank you for this post . And for your support to the BPD family.

[amigo]

Dear Caredverymuch,

I too want to thank you so much for posting this amazing piece. I am not out one year, but every single thing you say applies to me. Every one. And you put it so eloquently. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Numbers]

Dear Caredverymuch, thank you a lot for sharing this. I am also almost a year out and what you wrote describes very well the place I too am in now. This in particular:

When I feel the urge to people please and fix with my goodness, I stop and rethink. This is becoming effortlessly a bit more as I grow. The red flags help with this decision every time and I appreciate that I trust them.

Wouldn't you say it's revealing when you stop and think how not only your ex but so many other people took your giving for granted? Truly, it is said that we should give without expectations. But hold on, isn't that the kind of thinking that brought us all here together in a first place? There must be some other quality to living a honest and true life that I was missing and still struggle to find. I hope that new connections I am making from this place of utter loneliness will reveal this great mystery to me. If that happens, there will indeed be a great prize at the end of this toil.

[Tibbles]

Thank you for your post. I needed to read it, it has helped me to stay strong.

[Tolou]

Caredverymuch... .

Very insightful post, shows ultimately how strong you are become and had to be to endure this.  Kudos to you, One thing I will say... .You can find something genuine and true and fulfilling again, you did once, though it did not work out, why not believe that you can have happiness again, atleast thats my perspective. Hopefully it will be with someone who can return it in a healthy way and comforting way to you.

thank you so much for your post here, it was touching and needed! I am over 1yr N.C. and work with the person, haven't uttered a word, it's post like yours that remind I did what was best for, and that's okay!

One love to all!

hold your head up caredverymuch!

[pavilion]

Dear Caredverymuch, thank you a lot for sharing this. I am also almost a year out and what you wrote describes very well the place I too am in now. This in particular:

When I feel the urge to people please and fix with my goodness, I stop and rethink. This is becoming effortlessly a bit more as I grow. The red flags help with this decision every time and I appreciate that I trust them.

Wouldn't you say it's revealing when you stop and think how not only your ex but so many other people took your giving for granted? Truly, it is said that we should give without expectations. But hold on, isn't that the kind of thinking that brought us all here together in a first place? There must be some other quality to living a honest and true life that I was missing and still struggle to find. I hope that new connections I am making from this place of utter loneliness will reveal this great mystery to me. If that happens, there will indeed be a great prize at the end of this toil.

Giving without expectation is fine but allowing negativity in without expecting depletion is not. Perhaps this is about boundaries "I am me and am happy to give when I have the energy and inclination" is healthy. "I am me and do not want to be around someone when they are undermining that" is also healthy. Thoughts?... .

[Caredverymuch]

Reading this post has left me in tears. I am you, one year ago... .

The most challenging thing is that I deeply love this man who I know I cannot be with and we now share a child who is only 7 months old.

I struggle daily to keep myself believing that this is probably for the best. The he is incapable of changing and I am incapable of giving anymore. I can't do it anymore and my son deserves a good life. I know that I do too, but it is hard to feel like it will ever get better when you feel that deep ache and are caring for an infant and trying to give them a happy daily existence at the same time.

I just wish I could erase him from my memory. I am terrified at what the future holds and the fact that we are tethered together for a lifetime because of our child makes me want to continue to work things out... .I don't know why... .

I pray that I can find the strength to continue NC until he brings me to court over the baby.

Green Eyes, I am sorry for your mutual experience. And to be bonded by a child is another layer. Your post is very poignant and you do deserve a very good life. I hope that your days ahead allow more healing to come with NC or however you can frame that as parents. It's a process like no other, one day at a time, and I share your sense of emotion with regard to it all. 

[Caredverymuch]

Cared very much... .thank you for this! It has been a year since I started a thread here, and I have a draft written down just like your have written about everything I have learned about BPD in the past couple of years... .their behavior, actions, thoughts. I will post mine when I am ready, but you pretty much hit so many points on the nail. I hope the mods post this in all the sections because when many of us come to this BPD site, we just have questions and confusions. We want to know if others experienced it or if our unique situation means we are crazy because none of our family or friends understand what we are saying. This post should help all the newcomers on this site

Elessar, thank you for your kind words. I am happy you are farther along as well and I look forward to reading your words that you hope to post on your own experience. No one indeed understands this ordeal unless experienced, and why this site and the support has been instrumental to me and so very many. 

[Caredverymuch]

Dear Caredverymuch, thank you a lot for sharing this. I am also almost a year out and what you wrote describes very well the place I too am in now. This in particular:

When I feel the urge to people please and fix with my goodness, I stop and rethink. This is becoming effortlessly a bit more as I grow. The red flags help with this decision every time and I appreciate that I trust them.

Wouldn't you say it's revealing when you stop and think how not only your ex but so many other people took your giving for granted? Truly, it is said that we should give without expectations. But hold on, isn't that the kind of thinking that brought us all here together in a first place? There must be some other quality to living a honest and true life that I was missing and still struggle to find. I hope that new connections I am making from this place of utter loneliness will reveal this great mystery to me. If that happens, there will indeed be a great prize at the end of this toil.

Numbers, I have always lived my life by the golden rule: do unto others. This has been a very spiritually meaningful and satisfying way to view life... .before the pBPD experience. I enjoyed treating others as I would like to be treated, celebrating life and the glass half full, always. I truly enjoy making specials meals for those I love, sharing special desserts, wrapping gifts in fun ways, decorating for holidays, etc. All those things warm my heart. People pleaser to a very ration degree, nothing over the top or self indulgent nor had I never felt taken advantage by any of this before. My "people pleasing" if you will was easy, delightful and always with gratification in peace and celebration of life's good. I knew when to say no to things I did not want to do and did so quite confidently. My life was very satisfactory and balanced internally as a result. I felt satisfied personally, spiritually, as a parent, as a friend, being me.  Sure life had it's lemons but I always made lemonade. Easily. I went to bed with a smile and slept well. I was happy as I knew it. That was me back then. A peaceful person and at peace.

This has all changed since the BPD experience. I don't give him all the blame as there was a core dynamic which kept me stuck when I should have walked away. But you see, this man knew my good  and giving nature. He knew my spiritual side bc we celebrated that together. He knew my enjoyment in the way I loved those most meaningful to me. He knew that I had a caring heart that was fulfilled.  And he did indeed take advantage of and exploit those very things.

He saw how well I took care of my children, myself, my home, my profession, my way of life.  He was a guest at my table and experienced being treated this way, when we were friends. He worked on mutual projects with me professionally and he saw the degree of genuine commitment that is my natural ethic. In happiness, not desperation. He saw that I indeed had an identity.

And he purposefully took advantage of all of that.

This I do blame him for and I will not allow that to be excused by his disorder. This was purposeful in many ways and I was left with very little of those very meaningful supports as a result of his explosion and subsequent devastation in my life. Which had ripple effect.

He did removed me in ways of isolation from much of that which I truly enjoyed. In the way pBPD do. Laced in "love", laced in promise, laced in fantasy, laced in need, laced in lies of which I now realize. Manipulations, laced in good. Tonic of overflowing manipulations called good. Which fully received, quickly became very bad and one sided. Almost overnight.

I do realize that pBPD have arrested emotional development, but much of what he did to me is not excusable as such. He removed me from my church environment where I was very satisfied to become one in his. He pleaded for me to join in spiritually and I did, so very meaningfully. I valued that.  Years later after devaluation and smear campaign, he left me with no spiritual home of my own. That is a soul raping behavior. I will not excuse that to BPD or any other disorder.

I truly always gave to him without expectation. He told me I taught him so much about the right way to live a fulfilled life. This was what he "always wanted and had finally found." You see to me, if you you give from your heart in rational not desperate ways, you give without expectation.  That was my identity. I had an identity, unlike him. And I was happy there.

He stole much, if not all, of that from me. And just walked away leaving me in ruins. Major ripple effects. Got a new identity. And not once checked to see if "I" was okay.

And as a result my boundaries are much tighter now. Yes, I can see that I was known as someone who gave. But no one had ever taken advantage of me or exploited me for that. Except him.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch,  your post made me cry. Your love is so beautiful. You have a beautiful heart.

Thank you for this post . And for your support to the BPD family.

Caramel, and all others who have taken the time to leave such valued feedback and comments, thank you.  YOUR love is beautiful. YOU have a beautiful heart. And I often cry reading the pain so many of you are struggling in carrying for this good and valued essence which you are gifted to know. I have been supported by each one of you in your shared pain. We grow together to a better place through this that knocked us down hard. I hope everyone on this board gets to their best place. It's a gift to know how to give and receive love. To know how to sustain that gift.

Give back the disorder my friends. It's time to put the effort on you. The gift which you are 

[seeking balance]

CMV,

Really insightful and honest post 

I look forward to hearing what year 2 will look like.  Keep doing the work, it is showing.

Peace,

SB

[pari]

Caredverymuch, I want to give you a big hug for writing this post. I could have written this word to word  (about situation and experience with BPD). You have beautifully summarized your leanings and progress. I am so proud of you and so happy for you.   

THAT IS AN ACT AND WE TOO WERE THERE FOR THAT ACT. Think hard on this and remember this. It is not real.

This one really hit me hard. Part of me still likes to believe in the fantasy that my r/s with xBPDbf was really special and it won't be same for him with any replacement. You showed me the glasses of truth and I need to see the world with them.

He stole much, if not all, of that from me. And just walked away leaving me in ruins. Major ripple effects. Got a new identity. And not once checked to see if "I" was okay.

Yes, he stole almost everything, everything you mention, everything I had. I didn't know what the truth was anymore. I didn't know who I was, what I believed in. I was so lost. I had to start from scratch, finding myself. It was very painful, probably people here would understand but not others. It almost felt like a part of me died and I still had to live. (Oh my god, I am in tears again) But you know, he couldn't take it all. There was a part of me that survived and has grown to be this person who I am so proud of today. 

I am 15 month out and 11 month NC, ignoring all contact and making much progress but still there is still long way to go. I have my moments, especially thinking about good times and how he made me feel. Logical me can processes the words and understand the truth behind them. My heart continues to feel to those feelings and I am still discovering how to heal it. There is this huge empty space where films continue to play. I probably have to wait till batteries are out.   OR till I learn to change the film