turned on a dime

[Depression = 72% of members]

i am having a hard time understanding how tuesday, my ex was begging for another chance... .saying he can't lose me, only to tell me the next evening that "his ex is right, i can't give him the future he deserves." i recently spent over $4k uprooting my life to move to a new city with him, only to have him walk away. he then said he doesn't care if he loses me because i "do nothing for him." how does someone change their mind so quickly? and more than that, paint me black so quickly? we spent wednesday packing to move yesterday, and now he hates me, wants nothing to do with me

[pieceofme]

i am having a hard time understanding how tuesday, my ex was begging for another chance... .saying he can't lose me, only to tell me the next evening that "his ex is right, i can't give him the future he deserves." i recently spent over $4k uprooting my life to move to a new city with him, only to have him walk away. he then said he doesn't care if he loses me because i "do nothing for him." how does someone change their mind so quickly? and more than that, paint me black so quickly? we spent wednesday packing to move yesterday, and now he hates me, wants nothing to do with me

[elessar]

It is not your fault. It is absolutely not you. I have spent last few years wondering how can someone do this. Unfortunately, I have allowed her to do this numerous times. Their facts are based on their current feelings. It is impossible to understand their actions logically. that is the most painful part of being with them. in a real break up, you see the relationship slowly going downhill, you break up, and after X amount of grieving you move on. With them, today they want to have your babies, tonight they are getting engaged to someone else. Why? Wish I could tell you why. I haven't been able to understand how a human can do that, but what is helping me a little is that if he didn't do this to you today, he would do it to you tomorrow. If he didn't paint you black yesterday, he would paint you black tomorrow. And there is a good chance he will paint you white again, to again paint you black some time in the future. The best thing I have learned on these boards is that the pattern never stops. So instead of ruminating how they can leave us at a beautiful time on a moment's notice, I have resigned myself to the notion that they would do it eventually. And they will keep doing it because they can NEVER MAKE UP THEIR MIND.

[bewildered2]

that's BPD for you.

no consistency.

b2

[pieceofme]

thanks, elessar and b2 - my brain knows you're both right. i've been kicking myself, wishing i had handled the past few days differently. i wish i had accepted his profuse apologies on tuesday; i wish i had told him a specific time we could leave yesterday. i think when i told him i wasn't sure, that triggered his fear of rejection and that's what led to his rage and ultimately our breakup again. i think if i had done things differently, we would be together right now in our new home. i hate myself for that.

[elessar]

I am sorry to tell you this, but eventually he would have found a reason to leave you again. What you said right now is what happened to me in August 2011. I became suicidal believing it was my fault that I wrecked it. "i think if i had done things differently, we would be together right now in our new home. i hate myself for that." Oh I said this for so, so, so long! Three years later and having her leave me again and again and again, he would have found reasons to break up with you. it is not your fault he left you. and here's the logical reason why, if someone is that quick to break-up, they will be that quick to break-up in the future. my ex believed every fight is a break up. if we fight over a little thing, it means we aren't good for each other and shouldn't be together. so don't blame yourself.

[camuse]

Oh pieceofme, how I feel for you

As said above, these relationships are not normal. I had so much guilt too, but there was nothing you could have done. You could have done everything perfectly, and they would have simply invented a reason to paint you black.

I gave in to many of my ex's demands, and she simply made increasingly impossible demands. By the end there was nothing she could complain about, so she came up with utterly ridiculous reasons to paint me black. It was hopeless.

Please give yourself a break - in time you will come to learn that it wasn't about you. Not about you at all.

[elessar]

You could have done everything perfectly, and they would have simply invented a reason to paint you black.

This. Every person who feels guilty should remember this. One of her last words last month was - "remember you told me that one should marry someone who they can see as the mother of their child. well, i don't see you as the father of my future children". it was meant in a negative way that i won't be a good father. won't get into details what she is looking for in the father of her future children.

[pieceofme]

elessar, i can relate to fighting over every little thing. well, not that i initiated the fight, but you know... .a fight i will always scratch my head over is i bought my ex a bag of mini chocolate donuts (his favorite). when i arrived home with the surprise, his response was, "you irritate me," and he stormed out of the room. still not sure what that was all about 

deep down, i know that it's not about me, but i'm struggling with feeling like i am the cause... .and feeling helpless like i can't fix the situation. camuse, i relate to the utterly ridiculous reasons of being painted black. like you, elessar, my ex told me that i can't give him the future he deserves, ie, a family. this was completely out of left field! he's 21! two months ago, we had the conversation that this isn't the right time to have kids - we're too young, kids are too expensive! and suddenly this is a reason not to be with me? in addition to, he suddenly thinks i'm too skinny and "it doesn't look right for my height" (direct quote for you). oh, the insanity.

[camuse]

Mine would just say "You're the sort of guy who ... ." before some random nonsensical insult. So I didn't even have to do anything wrong, I was just the sort of guy who would.

I felt a lot of guilt, but now the only guilt I feel is that I ever felt guilty. These people are mentally ill, and nothing can defeat that. Certainly not you or I!

It's all so very confusing at the time though, takes a fair while to get your head around. But you will.

Even in a normal relationship, it takes two - unless one person does something especially terrible, then it's down to both if they break down. In a BPD relationship the breakdown is entirely in the hands of the BPD, yet the non ends up shouldering all the blame. It's so messed up.

I remember mine accusing me of cheating on her with lots of women. Who are these women,? I said. She just kept shouting. Just name one, I said! Just one! If there are loads of women, you can name one! There are lots of them, you know who I mean! Well name one then, just one, just name one and you will be right. Then she burst into tears.

It's so insane, it seems funny now. But at the time I was thinking "maybe she's right, maybe there are lots of women I'm cheating with. But who?"    Madness.

[NorthLight]

deep down, i know that it's not about me, but i'm struggling with feeling like i am the cause... .

I understand exactly what you mean, I think a lot of people in this process has blamed themselves at some point. A quote that helped me "Good realtionships dont just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together."

This is what "real" love is all about... You just don't give up over night, for no reason (I got dumped out of the blue, so I know its hard)! OKEY, maybe you are right, maybe if you had said / done something different he wouldn't broke up that day. But he could just as easily done it tomorrow, or next week, or in a year. If its BPD, it often happens without a warning, and without any logic reason  He has proven that to you now, he has shown it by his actions... .

The pain you go through now, you would have had to go through somewhere in your life anyway, so be glad it happened now (even tho its hard to accept because of the pain)... Imagine him doing this in 10 years, with a house and kids... .The pain you go through was your destiny to go through from the moment you started loving your BPD partner - Everyone here goes through it

It is so so so hard at times, but at least you are going through it now rather than in the future So I hope you really stop blaming yourself, i bet you will soon, and accept that this was BPD, not your fault. Then you will still have to accept other stuff, like why couldn't he just not be messed up so you could be together forever etc, thats where I am at right now. Good luck

[pieceofme]

i do agree it takes two. i also remind myself that in a normal relationship, every little thing isn't a fight and every fight doesn't lead to a breakup. in a normal relationship, my mistakes and flaws wouldn't be used against me. but after they are used as reasons not to be with me, it's hard to believe i'm not to blame.

my ex blamed me for his cheating. the first time, he said i made him mad and angry, although i'm not sure why seeing as how we hadn't fought. the second time, he said he just couldn't be alone (when i had moved to our new home and was waiting for him to join me a few days later). it really is madness. incomprehensible madness.   

[Hopeless777]

Mine would just say "You're the sort of guy who ... ." before some random nonsensical insult. So I didn't even have to do anything wrong, I was just the sort of guy who would.

I felt a lot of guilt, but now the only guilt I feel is that I ever felt guilty. These people are mentally ill, and nothing can defeat that. Certainly not you or I!

It's all so very confusing at the time though, takes a fair while to get your head around. But you will.

Even in a normal relationship, it takes two - unless one person does something especially terrible, then it's down to both if they break down. In a BPD relationship the breakdown is entirely in the hands of the BPD, yet the non ends up shouldering all the blame. It's so messed up.

I remember mine accusing me of cheating on her with lots of women. Who are these women,? I said. She just kept shouting. Just name one, I said! Just one! If there are loads of women, you can name one! There are lots of them, you know who I mean! Well name one then, just one, just name one and you will be right. Then she burst into tears.

It's so insane, it seems funny now. But at the time I was thinking "maybe she's right, maybe there are lots of women I'm cheating with. But who?"    Madness.

Camuse, your post was my life. For the last two years I was accused of countless affairs, porn addictions, strip clubs, sex with 13 year olds, etc. I asked for ONE SHRED OF EVIDENCE and got NONE. They are totally insane living in a different reality. Separated now 2.5 months after a 27+ year marriage and at least I don't have to hear it anymore... .just lawyers! I like the lawyers more than her. Ugh!

[Tausk]

thanks, elessar and b2 - my brain knows you're both right. i've been kicking myself, wishing i had handled the past few days differently. i wish i had accepted his profuse apologies on tuesday; i wish i had told him a specific time we could leave yesterday. i think when i told him i wasn't sure, that triggered his fear of rejection and that's what led to his rage and ultimately our breakup again. i think if i had done things differently, we would be together right now in our new home. i hate myself for that.

This will get stuck for a long time.  It's incorrect.  A real relationship does not hinge on something so trivial. 

I understand the thought process.  I went through it.  If only I had done this or that... .It's a Disorder.  It's Madness.  It's Bat Sht Crazy.

Time to let go and move on.  What you are thinking is exactly the same as most everyone else on this board.  We understand. But recovery only comes from self honesty.  And honestly... .you two never had a chance.  It was never meant to be.  It was a fantasy.  It was never true love.  The happily ever after was never on the table. 

You fell in love with a traumatized three year old. 

It took me a long time to accept this fact, but after I did things started to get better.

Be well. Stay on the board.  We understand. We can validate you. 

[myself]

You fell in love with a traumatized three year old.  

The more I look at this, the more I agree with you.

There is deep early damage that changed the course of everything they go through. The interactions are only temporary, but the push and pull is nonstop. Whatever is bad can be justified. Whatever is good can be demonized. Reality is ignored. The facts aren't ever allowed to be all in so the stories can be altered to fit. They're three year old disordered hurricanes.