Just need to talk this one through - unsure whether to try again or not.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After three or four previous discards (more like three and a half, to be exact) on a pretty precise three-monthly cycle, I felt another one coming right on schedule at the end of May and I stepped away before it could happen. In truth, I was tired of being abandoned and I felt like I needed to take control and try to meet my own needs somehow.

In the opinion of someone suffering with BPD, I probably did the worst possible thing: our last conversation before I walked away was a brief difference of opinion during which he told me he was unwilling to communicate with me about things. On hearing that, I gave up. It felt like check-mate. Deciding there was no point trying to open a discussion with someone who had already been vocal in their decision not to communicate, I dropped his possessions at his house and that was that.

We therefore never really discussed the end of the relationship, and I’m sure he felt I was suddenly abandoning him (though I felt that was what he was pushing me to do by withdrawing the way he was). At that time I was unsure about everything, but my overriding feeling was that perhaps a cooling off period, a break from each other, would help break the cycle, give us time to sort out our own issues and perhaps reconnect later on.

After two weeks I messaged him to let him know I was missing him and hoped he was ok. I just got back a brief “thank you”. A week after that, I asked if he wanted to meet up. I got a brief “no thank you”. A few weeks later I found myself in trouble and I reached out to him again, and received the message that he couldn’t help me. And a few weeks later I reached out again during quite a serious crisis. I swore I never would again, but I was in an intense panic. During that time he helped me with that particular crisis by talking things through on messenger. I sent an email afterwards thanking him and saying I was always around if he ever wanted to talk. That was a month ago.

One of the reasons I kept reaching out was, despite him stone-walling me when I contacted him directly, he was leaving covert messages on social media implying he was missing me, that he was angry with me, that he was thinking of me and checking up on me. Of course this led me to believe communication would not be entirely unwelcome. I kind of feel almost like I was being encouraged to reach out, only for him to shut me down. In any case, I’ve stopped now because I think four attempts is enough for anybody.

But underneath, I was still hoping we could talk again once we’d both had a break to calm down and sort out our own issues. I did send that email saying that I was getting on with my life now but if he ever wanted to talk about things I’d be happy to do so. Do I just leave it at that? I don’t really want to be a pest or lay myself open to more rejection. For most people, that email would have been enough, but what with the disorder and the veiled messages online, I’m not sure what to think.

It’s been nearly three months which seems too long for him not to have moved on. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated (and yes, I am unwise to be even considering it another go…).

[Suspicious1]

After three or four previous discards (more like three and a half, to be exact) on a pretty precise three-monthly cycle, I felt another one coming right on schedule at the end of May and I stepped away before it could happen. In truth, I was tired of being abandoned and I felt like I needed to take control and try to meet my own needs somehow.

In the opinion of someone suffering with BPD, I probably did the worst possible thing: our last conversation before I walked away was a brief difference of opinion during which he told me he was unwilling to communicate with me about things. On hearing that, I gave up. It felt like check-mate. Deciding there was no point trying to open a discussion with someone who had already been vocal in their decision not to communicate, I dropped his possessions at his house and that was that.

We therefore never really discussed the end of the relationship, and I’m sure he felt I was suddenly abandoning him (though I felt that was what he was pushing me to do by withdrawing the way he was). At that time I was unsure about everything, but my overriding feeling was that perhaps a cooling off period, a break from each other, would help break the cycle, give us time to sort out our own issues and perhaps reconnect later on.

After two weeks I messaged him to let him know I was missing him and hoped he was ok. I just got back a brief “thank you”. A week after that, I asked if he wanted to meet up. I got a brief “no thank you”. A few weeks later I found myself in trouble and I reached out to him again, and received the message that he couldn’t help me. And a few weeks later I reached out again during quite a serious crisis. I swore I never would again, but I was in an intense panic. During that time he helped me with that particular crisis by talking things through on messenger. I sent an email afterwards thanking him and saying I was always around if he ever wanted to talk. That was a month ago.

One of the reasons I kept reaching out was, despite him stone-walling me when I contacted him directly, he was leaving covert messages on social media implying he was missing me, that he was angry with me, that he was thinking of me and checking up on me. Of course this led me to believe communication would not be entirely unwelcome. I kind of feel almost like I was being encouraged to reach out, only for him to shut me down. In any case, I’ve stopped now because I think four attempts is enough for anybody.

But underneath, I was still hoping we could talk again once we’d both had a break to calm down and sort out our own issues. I did send that email saying that I was getting on with my life now but if he ever wanted to talk about things I’d be happy to do so. Do I just leave it at that? I don’t really want to be a pest or lay myself open to more rejection. For most people, that email would have been enough, but what with the disorder and the veiled messages online, I’m not sure what to think.

It’s been nearly three months which seems too long for him not to have moved on. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated (and yes, I am unwise to be even considering it another go…).

[peprmntcandi]

Good Morning

I went through a similar experience with my last relationship it was an off again, on again struggle that lasted 8 years.  This was long before my diagnosis of BPD was ever in the picture so you can imagine once I found out it all made perfect sense as to why the relationship went the way it did. None the less once that final door was closed though and the final call was made we ended the relationship.  We have still maintained a somewhat cordial friendship though.  I call on him in times of crisis or he calls on me when he needs help and we are there for one another and there are still the "Love so and so" at the end of the e-mails or the "talk to you later" at the end of a call. However, he has moved on with his life and I have moved on with mine that was 5 years ago.

I am not saying that this is what will happen with you and your estranged partner I am just giving you my experience of a similar situation that occurred in my life.  I hope this helps you take a step back and see that even though it has been 3 months and he may have moved on that you can move on also but that it doesn't mean that you and he can't still maintain some sort of friendship.  See now when I see the "Love" at the end of an e-mail I know it comes from a place of friendship nothing more and when I hear the "talk to you later" I know it comes from friendship nothing more.  I am okay with this.  At one time yes we were lovers and a large part of each others lives but it's okay with me now that we have moved on.  At least he is still a part of my life in some capacity even if I don't talk to him everyday.  I know he's there when I need him the most.  I hope this helps.  Above all things have patience with yourself.

 Peprmntcandi 

[Suspicious1]

Thank you so much for that; I guess that's what I need to hear. He's very important to me, and I like him very much as a person, so it's hard to think we've stepped out of each others lives forever.

I think having patience is the key. It would help if we'd actually discussed things and I didn't half suspect his silence is a kind of ST rather than anything more permanent, but only time will tell.

[Mutt]

Hi Suspicious1,

The stone-walling is splitting. Come here, go away. The radio silence is a black split. A pwBPD register the world and people in it in either all white or all black. He has difficulties with seeing the middle ground - the grey area where most people are.

What I'm saying is don't take it personally. A goal could be to become indifferent to the behavior. He has difficulties with identifying his needs and communicating said needs. The hints on social media is the other side of the pendulum. "Come here" or pull behavior. As you already know the behavior ties us up in knots inside. Very painful to be pushed one way then the other with confusing messages. I'm sorry .

My ex is very much the same as yours. It was a cycle for several years and I anticipated and knew what month the push came. Almost as if it was seasonal. It started in the fall and by the holidays it would get to a point where we'd separate. A few weeks of separation then the pull and the idealization phase all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This went on for as long as I was with her. It was so confusing and painful.

Unfortunately splitting is a subconscious primitive defense mechanism. He doesn't have control or is likely not very self aware. Not all borderlines are the same. They are people just like you or I but have difficulties regulating emotions. Having said that, you can't control being split back to white and I'm not implying that you are. You can send the letter. I don't think that there's a right or wrong here. He may not reply or give a response that you may like. Be mindful, take care of you  

[Suspicious1]

Thanks Mutt. That really helps - I was wondering if his ST/NC was part of a black split. He's only put one "come here" positive thing on social media, but on the same day put a negative one as well. And followed that up with another negative one about a week later. In any case, he was definitely checking out my page and responding to stuff on there, so was obviously feeling angry and hurt. He was also keen to talk about a friend of mine about "us" which says to me it's still on his mind. Anyway.

I don't actually have a letter to send, I sent an email a month ago and heard nothing back. I think I'm moving on pretty well at the moment so I'm tempted to wait to see if he takes me up on the offer to talk eventually. As you say I could get any kind of response to communication, and I'm not sure I can stand a barrage of hate. I think I'm thinking about the possibility as another three month cycle is coming round and I wondered if anything would be sparked.

Argh I don't know. One day I think it might be worthwhile, another day I think I should leave it. I guess if he was amenable to the idea he'd have been in touch.

[Mutt]

The negativity is the black split. His mind filters the people and world. He has nothing good to say, criticizes, and denigrates. It's because he sees you as all bad. Your split black in some of his social media posts.

Three months later, he became very angry at me again, this time because someone else had asked me on a date and although I'd declined, it made my ex feel very insecure. In retaliation he listed himself as single on social networking website we both use and was openly flirting with someone else, saying he was looking for a new relationship. I told him I was hurt by this, and what then ensued was a good 48 hours of verbal abuse from him over instant messanger, as he said I’d wrecked our relationship by flirting with someone else, and he was only doing it because I did it first. He accused me of all sorts of things, said it was obvious he wasn’t enough for me and I was always going to be unfaithful to him etc etc etc. It was my first experience of someone’s rage.

His vitriol is because he is threatened. A flight or fee response. His fear of abandonment is triggered. He's absolutely scared of abandonment - he lacks a stable sense of self and needs an attachment. His rage is because he feels threatened. He went to try to find another attachment because he fears abandonment. It's not because of you.

As you have noticed. The black and white splitting cycles can change quickly. Sometimes in the same day.

I didn't understand black and white thinking. Not in the context of the mentally ill when I was with my wife - it's very extreme.  She would split me black for weeks at a time sometimes and would say the most horrible things. She wouldn't apologize or validate me. Out of nowhere she would idealize me. I was absolutely confused but more than that I was resentful. Sometimes she would devaluate me and a few hours later idealize. The cycle can shift quickly. The random nice posts are just that - idealization.