My wife's going a support group for an issue I don't have. Smear campaign?

[levelup]

I'm separated from my wife and am in the midst of going through a divorce.  A mutual friend recently told me that she's being going to support group meetings for partners of people with sex addictions.

The only problem is... .I'm not a sex addict.  I was a virgin when we got married, and have never gone out alone with another woman the entire time we've been married/separated.

Years before we met, I used to have an issue with pornography, but I dealt with it before we met through an online support program and mentorship, and after I was done, I went back and mentored other guys who continued to struggle with that.

Meanwhile, throughout our marriage,  my wife has been struggling with reading erotic rape/incest fiction online,  which she failed to tell me was an issue when we got married.  She went to a support group for it, bailed after two weeks, and then lied about working through the program materials on her own.  We also had repeated fights about her going out and drinking too much, and boundaries with other guys... .especially when drinking.

After she quit her support program, I went to the male version of the same support group, to try to model to her as an example  that it's possible to work through it (while also being a continuing encouragement to me to not go back to pornography), but it never encouraged her to do anything positive.

Instead, it was quite the opposite.  She tried to get me to watch a show with her that had way too much sex/nudity for me to watch comfortably,  and I told her that I couldn't watch it with her.  The next time we went to visit my family, she decides to marathon that very same show with my mom.  I reminded my wife that I was uncomfortable with that show,  but she ignored me, so I had to leave the room for several hours.  When I tried to talk to her about it later, she snapped at me and refused to talk about it at all.

Now that she's going to these meetings, and telling her friends (including mutual friends) about it, it paints me as... .well, basically it paints me as if I'm her.

I'm so tempted to break No-Contact,  just so I can tell her off.  But I don't think there's anything I could say that would make anything better, as it would all just come off as me discouraging her from going to a support group.

I don't know which of our friends she's been saying this too.

It's total B.S. and I want to scream.  I feel so trapped.

[Mutt]

Hi levelup,

Smear campaigns are tough. It triggers anxiety, fear of what the possibilities are with ex. What is she going to say to whom?

I was seeing a P and going through a smear campaign. Awful stuff to her family and mutual friends.

I'm physically abusive. Emotionally abusive to her and kids. Financially abusive. Controlling. I don't think I will ever know the extent and in the end it doesn't matter.

My P said "Mutt, your ex owns that. You don't own that and don't worry about it"

I cannot control the actions of others. I can control mine. There are two sides to every story. I guess her family and friends don't know any better.

I held my head high and went radio silent. I know my truth and I don't need to convince people that don't give me the decency to ask me. If they choose to listen to distortions so be it. I'm building a new life with healthier friends.

Don't justify or defend. Be you.

Hang in there.

- Mutt

[Harri]

Yeah, it is, unfortunately a smear campaign.  I am sorry you have to deal with that. 

Mutt is so right.

I know my truth and I don't need to convince people that don't give me the decency to ask me. If they choose to listen to distortions so be it. I'm building a new life with healthier friends.

That is so hard to accept, but once you do it can be very liberating.  I found those who knew me, knew it was not true.  I had a couple of people give me feedback on that.  The best feedback I got tho was from those friends who simply laughed when either I asked them or they mentioned it.  They knew the truth and that helped me to let go and see just how ridiculous my ex was. 

With the smear campaign I had from my mother, I knew the more I tried to explain, justify, or defend, the worse it would make me look and the more she escalated.  I learned ":)on't feed it by trying to fix it". 

Keep repeating Mutt's words over and over:

"your ex owns that. You don't own that and don't worry about it"

"I cannot control the actions of others. I can control mine."

":)on't justify or defend. Be you."